Been a while

Hey there,

I'm back ! Which doesn't seem to be a good thing since I usually turn to writing when things haven't gone well. A lot to report on. A lot to catch up on. 

Lailah turned 5... Bennett turned 2... perfection.

Oh, and I'm expecting. My boyfriend and I got back together and things are going really well. A lot happened. I won't even get into it, because now we are happy and doing really really well.

Remember that 'best friend' I was talking about before? Well, yeah... we're pretty much demolished. A few days ago he admitted to me that the only reason he was nice to me, kind to me, supportive of me, caring towards me - was because he loved me, and now he doesn't. He said that he shut it off. Back after I went on the break with my boyfriend, my best friend came to visit me... but we just acted as friends. Then after he went home... he became distant, cold, mean, he didn't want much to do with me anymore. It really hurt. I called him out on it the other day - which is where he admitted he shut off everything towards me now. He's not who I once knew and I can't even tolerate who he is anymore. Where did my best friend go?

Whatever....

My boyfriend and I are doing really great. I'm so glad we got back together and worked everything out. Right after we got back together... I guess we conceived. We found out on April 3rd that we are expecting a little one. 

I feel a lot of feelings about this... I'm scared, worried, I feel guilt, shame, pain - but over all - Love. I love this baby and I love my boyfriend. I really do. 

Now my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together, I love cuddling ! We watch netflix together, he is amazing with Lailah, and he's there for me. He listens to me, comforts me, and he just really helps me feel better and sort of heal. I don't know what I would do without him.

I'm now 16w5d... we are Team Green which means we aren't going to find out the babys gender until delivery. 

I also need a new job - I quit working as a host when I got disrespected, I walked out. I don't tolerate disrespect very well.. yeah...

Today I got triggered, pretty bad. Flash back from my past. When I was about 10 yrs old - in Mrs. Burns 5th grade class, I was hospitalized instead - in Hasbro Childrens hospital for being underweight. Well, just watch this:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2013/jul/08/mos-def-force-fed-guantanamo-bay-video

That's exactly what they did to me.

Now people are outraged that the government is doing this to prisoners in Guantanamo... but nobody cares to know that this happened to myself and probably a lot of other children only 10 years ago. And it may even still be happening now. 

I feel hurt and angry because - why are so many strangers of these people outraged... but my own family/parents... weren't when it was happening to me.

I tried to talk to my best friend about it today before deleting him off my facebook and deleting him from my phone completely... he tried to compare it to get vaccinated against his wishes. Saying that being vaccinated is just as bad. 

He tried saying vaccinations are pointless. Of course I felt my parenting was being attacked - because I vaccinate my children. I was vaccinated and I'm happy I was - because I'm healthy. He asked me what proof there was that vaccines keep diseases and illnesses away. I told him to look around ! Polio, measles, mumps, rubella, and now even chickenpox is nearly non-existent. Back when we were kids, everyone had chickenpox ! But since the new vaccine, my brother, my cousins, all younger than me - have never experienced chickenpox. When Lailah got a very small outbreak after her vaccination the doctor who saw her had to get an older doctor because she's never even seen chickenpox before, because she was a semi-new doctor ! Lailah's chickenpox lasted 1/3rd of the time as from when I had them and she only had a couple small rash spots, not her entire body. She was more concerned about not being able to be around her friends than the itchiness of the spots. 

Anyways, I'm vaccinating all my children - not only for their own safety but for the safety of all the other children out there and babies who can't yet be vaccinated. 

On a different note - Lailah's father is back in town from being in NC with the Marines since last winter. He's not so bad, I don't mind him. He keeps his word and he's an okay father. We'll see how this goes. 

Well, that's all for now - done with my recent rants and ramblings. Tata.

Just to catch up.

Hi there again,
Well now.. I've decided that I'm not choosing between my best friend or my boyfriend. They both know what's going on in my mind, body, and spirit. They can make the choice. Other wise, I'm letting life pass by and just living each moment as it comes to the best of my ability. I will do my very best to not hurt either of them.
My little girls 5th birthday is coming up in 4 days ! I can not believe that she is SO big already. I really want another baby but right now seems to not be the time. No matter how bad I can't get it off my mind.
I'm finishing up school for Medical Assisting and I'll be started externship in a few weeks. I'm super excited an really nervous at the same time. I'm so glad to be opening this new chapter of my life though. Lets hope I can stay on track and on top of everything in the future.

Alright so, I'm feeling pretty frustrated. Can someone please remind me what the point of life is again? You live. You die. And the point of life is to make the best with what you go? Meaning? Give to everyone but have no time to take, focus on everyone else but don't focus on yourself, spend all your time helping someone else live luxuriously and not being able to 'live' much at all. That's how I feel right now.
I'm going to be a medical assistant soon making about $15 an hour, which isn't much at all; considering. Not enough to pay off all my bills which include: rent, car insurance, student loans, car loan, cell phone, groceries, home necessities, my daughter, and gas for necessary travel. I'm only 23. Yet I feel like I'm in my 40s with no money and little reason to live.
My only reason to live is my daughter since I've already messed up apparently and brought her into this cruel world - for her to grow up and also hate life and struggle. There's nothing I can do to prevent that. I can teach her to love life, but honestly? WHY?!
We work long hours, putting ourselves aside, to make little money and barely get by, to then die in debt and pass it onto future generations. Where has quality of life gone?
Then they all wonder why there are more mental disorders and whatever else that's going on now. MAYBE because  mothers/parents aren't able to stay home and RAISE their children, they don't have TIME to spend on these little humans to raise them right and care about their futures. They are far too busy working full time and excessive hours while their child is sitting in a small room with 10 other children with one or two adults who are getting paid to 'care' for them, which doesn't include raising or teaching them well. It's a fucked up society to live in. The parents must work all these hours so that they can earn enough income to bring their little one home to a bed after filling their little tummies. It's ridiculous. Work, school, eat, and no play. No spare time. Fuck this bullshit ! That's what's on my mind.

In a head that doesn't make sense.

So... here we are again. Where my fingers meet the keyboard for me to rant, bitch, complain, share concerns, mishaps, and great fortunes. Ha.
Anyways... since my last post things have been pretty nuts.
I've started school back up and it's great, I love learning. It makes me nervous but it's well worth the uncomfortable-ness.

Okay okay, enough small talk, let's cut to the chase.

I'm in love with two guys. I love my boyfriend of a year and I love my best friend of 4 years. How can one simply get out of this one? I'm so torn and I don't even know what to do anymore. I call it a 'standstill'. 

My very best friend - he's like my other half. We're always on the same page. We consult with each other. It's like we share brains with each other. It's not about appearance or sex or anything. We intellectually and mentally fit together. We're so in sync it's crazy. We sometimes swear we're psychic with each other. We always know, or attempt to know, what the other is talking about and know each others personalities to a T. He has always been there, almost every single day for the past 4 years. He's been there through my manic episodes, my psychosis, my depressions (rapid cycling bipolar 1). He's been there to challenge my thinking and remind me why I should choose to keep going. He's been the light in all my darkness.

My boyfriend - It's been the opposite. I always get him, understand him, know him to a T. but I feel he can't do the same. I took him in from an old broken down house with nothing in it, no parents around and little 'family'. I bailed him out of jail for a crime he didn't commit and I helped him fight his way out of a crime he battled with for 3 years - he was found innocent after my talk with the public defender. I care for him, I give him home and food, but he can't understand me. I don't even think he could handle me. My actual self. The one I repress. I don't think he'd still love that part of me. Even though he's loving, passionate, kind, sweet... but more like a dog. He's obedient and loyal without asking questions. 

I love them both. Them and my daughter are my life. 
I just want to keep feeling like everything will work itself out. So much is going on but I feel a lot more at peace with it than ever before. I feel human. 

Tonight I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we could go on a break. I told him my thoughts and reasons. Mostly that I feel that we don't really 'mentally and intellectually' fit together. It's true. We're so different. We learned a lot from one other but I don't know if we're at the same points in our lives to start to learn together. We've already taught each other most of what we know and now we should be growing together, I feel... but he's not comfortable with that yet. Which is fine... but I don't know if it'll work for us in our relationship. 
I feel so mean though. I don't intend on hurting anybody and the fact is: is that I am. I'm hurting someone. I'm hurting my boyfriend. I didn't mean for this to happen. I could apologize my life away and I don't know if I could be forgiven. I wish life could be a bit easier... but then it wouldn't be worth it though, huh? 

A new year - A new me?

It's 2013. Forever seems to have gone by. I've come a long way but I still have my struggles. I have many topics to talk about but I think they all would be a bit much for this one post, although I may touch upon as many as I can. :p
Well, Lailah's 5th birthday is coming up and I can not believe it ! I'm teaching her to say she's "half a decade old." I'm teaching her what decade is also ! She is such a beautiful, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, understanding, loving, kind, compassionate.... little girl ! I could go on and on and on bragging about how wonderful she is. I am blessed to have her as my own little one.
I'm with that guy, from the last post. I am so so glad that I didn't let his family get in the way ! He is wonderful and I love him so much ! He's so cute and caring, he's great, really. He spoils me and he's the first guy I actually have ever felt truly loved by. We live together at my dads house, we rent a room for cheap. We're making it work... which leads me into my next topic... Child care.
Child care feels like an impossibility. I don't have near enough money to pay for child care. I work as a host at a restaurant and I make some tips - it's not bad. Definitely not enough to pay for child care though, it's so expensive ! So today I went down to DHS to see if they could help me but the woman told me that because I'm in college I can't get daycare assistance, that I can only get it for work hours and not school hours. But I work at night when I can easily get a daycare - during the day everyone that normally helps me works, because that's what normal people do daily, right? You'd think they'd understand that, but apparently not. So, I'm gonna ask my school if I can somehow switch to night classes - I don't know if I can though. Gotta ask to find out though..
I am SUPER excited !! Today my sons mom told me that we can do FaceTime on the Iphones (I got it SUPER cheap at Walmart !) this Saturday at 11am !! It's a date ! I'll get to see my baby live for the FIRST TIME since he was 3 days old !! <3 I can not wait and I bet Lailah will love it as well. :D
I'm almost finished with my school program !! 5 more weeks in class and 5 weeks in externship, today I asked Lailah's Pediatric office if they do externship and they do ! I hope I can get placed there, that would be SO great ! I'm hoping everything with the daycare thing works out... I really need it to. I hope the universe works some magic or something.. :/
On another note - I really really want another baby, except the idea that I don't ovulate pops up into my mind. I get breakthrough bleeding often and I've temped and my temps never dropped and went soaring (which indicated ovulation). Also, I get symptoms of low progesterone. I hope I'm not having secondary infertility. :( That would suck... I really want to have another baby though. I know he or she would and never could replace Bennett and I don't want that either. But I really do want to feel pregnancy again and bring home my little bundle of joy.
Well, I should get around to wrapping this up - I think I've touched upon enough for today. Now I'm going to go relax, watch Dragon Tails with my little girl, read her a bedtime story, and tuck her into bed - then night night for me as well ! Gnight people.

high thoughts

God doesn't exist. In the past, the reason our ancestors created the bible was to convince people to believe in a God, that God is he higher being, the creator. But he is not.
God doesn't exist.
Every religion works because every religion BELIEVES in a higher being or beings.

Everyone is God.
We have a higher being within ourselves. This is our main self, our guidance. It's where we can listen to our higher selves and hear what needs to happen.

We learn from everything whether we want to or not, we must fix our problems as humans, or whatever problems we have will come back to torture us until we fix that in ourselves. We hold all the power of ourselves but we don't trust ourselves and overall if we can't trust ourselves or believe in ourselves - we can't trust anyone else at all.

When we pray, we reach our higher selves. A higher level of thought, a typically unconscious deep, loving, amazingly bright light type of self. This is where you love yourself, understand yourself, you guide yourself to do the best of your ability to accomplish whatever your innermost authentic self had decided you to be.
People obviously want to gravitate toward being "good", problem is that people are forces to gravitate toward the "bad" because of the people around them. They feel forced or pressured by fear.

I think religion was created to help large amounts of people find this higher self within themselves.. not God.
People would rather believe in a God, because that sounds safer. People can't or don't want to believe in themselves.
We are born to have our mothers be our "God", who teach us to become our own "god", over time.

When I was brainwashed by adoption and not coping well

So, I didn't end up smoking. I was going to smoke with Bennett's dad but he never showed, typical. I'm a glutton for punishment. After everything this guy did to me, after raping me, I still search for attachment to the father of a child I birthed. I'm all fucked up.
Typical, whatever.
Instead I did smething else that gave me the same effect. I signed onto facebook and hopped into the Birth mom support group. One woman posted about her nephew and his pregnant girlfriend (age 15). She said they've been asking about adoption and being a teen mom. She wanted to get advice for them. I posted and said:
I would tell them that adoption is the BEST route to go... I was 17 when I got pregnant and I know for a fact I was far far too young to take care of a baby... they can't even take care of themselves nevermind a baby.. yeah, sure... they could get help from others.. but how long would that last? A really long time probably. They should finish HS, get jobs, go to college.. FIRST. Or everything else is going to come SECOND, and that baby has to come FIRST... and that is really hard. It's been 4 years and I'm still getting help from my mom and I feel pathetic about it. I feel so weak all the time and honestly, I hate to face it. I feel she deserves so much more than me... I know in the long run I will be able to provide better for her, but I stil can't shake knowing that I can't give her everything she needs and everything I could to help her flourish into an adult. :/
A woman commented back: "Personally I would never encourage adoption as the BEST route to go for teenagers."
I asked her, "Were you a pregnant teen?"
"Yes, I was. Why?" was the response I got back.
I then answered, "Did you raise or place? I raised my daughter and I don't feel it's what I should have done, I don't fee that my parents helping me was the right thing either. Plus, grandparents get way too attached when the grandbaby is always around... it truly has fucked with me. Her dads momt rying to take custody, my mom threatening me about her."
She also said, "You know, many generations of people got married and had babies while still teenagers. If you really got into genealogy you really get a different perspective on things, how we've extended adolescence way too long."
I responded back again, "And you think we turned out well? I know for sure many of my generation and my parents generations did not turn out well.. if you can't support a baby yourself you should NOT be attempting to support a baby.. everyday I hate myself for not being able to give my daughter everything she should have. It's unfair to her."
To answer my earlier question she said, "Of course I placed, otherwise I wouldn't be in this group, lol".
I informed her that she could have had more than one child, that I do. That I placed my second, giving me perspective of being a teen mom and placing young too.
"Well don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling very differently in 30 years from now, that's all I can say!" is what I got back from her.
I told her I won't because I know myself well an that I'm mature for my age. I also said that one should keep their baby if they want to struggle all the time.
"Whatever, Rachael" lol
low blow there? so immature lady. "You're only 22."
My last and final post to her read:
"Yeah. and the past 4 years haven't changed.... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel how you feel. I'm sorry if you regret your adoption... But I do not regret mine... I do feel sorry for those with problem adoptions. My adoption isn't all peaches and cream either... But one thing that I DO KNOW I will not change my mind on is that I would never want someone to feel how I have. I should have placed my daughter and I LOVE her so much! I love her to death I would never ever do anything to hurt her or to leave her, she is my entire world, my everything, as a child should bee to their parents... but she deseerves better than me. She deserves a mom who finished college, got a good job, could pay for clothes, go on vacations, & have great birthdays that she doesn't forget! And 4 years later.... I STILL CAN'T PROVIDE THAT STUFF. I can barely put food in my own stomach, nevermind my daughters. And if I didn't have my mom... where the hell would we be? We would be starved, bouncing around, trying to figure stuff out. I would be on state care, working 2/3 jobs, paying for someone else to RAISE my child. And if I had kept my son I would be struggling 10x as much. I was a teen mom who decided to raise a child she wasn't ready for. You weren't. You can't say you know both sides of it, of the story. And I have placed my son, I know how that feels too."
I guess this bothers me so much because I know how hard it is to be a teen mom, I know what it takes and other teens shouldn't do that to the baby/child, they should be 100% ready. Okay I lie, but at least over 50-60%!
I really want another baby but I know I can't have one. It hurts inside. I really miss Bennett, nothing I can do though, right? I guess my body just craves a baby. Baby fever, ugh. I want to feel life inside me again, then I want to hold my new little one against my skin. Weird? Oh well... Welcome to life post placement. I should head off the bed, I have school tomorrow, yeah yeah, fun.




(Rereading this on 1/1/2016 - the following messages will be from that date)

Good God I was soooooooooo brainwashed into believing I couldn't parent because I was already a failure. It's so apparent that I only placed because I believed I was a shitty ass mom and I wasn't. I needed up - I STILL need help, sure. But NOW I know that my children are always better off WITH ME. We're not rich financially - NO. But we are rich in love. Both my children DID and DO deserve me.... they fucked bad with my head. They really got in there and made me so insecure as a person and as a mother (the agency that is and others who pushed adoption on me at that time). Then again, at that time I had to keep believing the brainwashing so that the loss of Bennett wouldn't overtake me.... but look at the post right before this one.... I was clearly not OKAY. I was an unstable complete mess and largely due to having lost my son to adoption. I was drinking so heavily and crossfading to deal with the pain of Bennett's first birthday approaching and all the while I was trying my damnest to ignore it all, ignore the pain and suffering I had inside. I had no idea.... I was so so so far gone in my trauma. :( They manipulated me and took advantage of me to take my son from me. Reading this hurts my heart so bad for younger me..... </3

Fucking drama insanity

My name is Rachael, I'm 22. I have a daughter and a son. I parent my daughter and I have placed my son. When I say placed, yes, I mean adoption. I live with my mom and her "new" husband, along with my brother, sister, and daughter. My life isn't sunshine and rainbows, it's actually far from it.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.