I just woke up from this crazy dream.
My little Bennett was a baby... through a toddler (shifted back and forth) but he talked so much like a big boy.
His aparents agreed to come and pick me and for whatever reason my little brother up and take us to their house for a visit. I was beyond ecstatic. When they came to pick me up he was about the age he's at now - 2. Even though I know they would have him in one, he wasn't in a car seat. It made me very frightened, scared, and worried - but over all, angry. I remember trying to text or facebook my friend Tiffany to tell her and rage about it with her but I couldn't find her either way.
So then we ended up stopping at this farmers place to get their bunny some food (they don't really have a bunny, but in this dream they did apparently) and across from the farmers field there were lilacs (my favorite flower) and I wanted so bad to smell their scent and tell Bennett all about how they are my favorite flowers.
But when I turned around Bennett was with his grandparents and they were drawing on some type of drawing board - getting him to karate hit it and kick it with some sort of paint chalk on his feet and hands... under what seemed to be a sign which at the top it said Girl or Boy. It had something to do with them adopting again.
Well, when we got back in the car Bennett seemed very upset, he wouldn't even buckle up. I very gently explained that it was safer to buckle up and I got him buckled. But as we were driving he ended up climbing into the front seat and out of his seatbelt, and his parents didn't mind.
Then they were talking to me and said that they were going to be stopping at this store before getting to their home, they said "We heard you wanted to go to Don's lunch today." (my favorite restaurant) With big smiles on their faces. (They also know I love french toast). So we stopped at the store and they went in to get the ingredients to make french toast - I'm assuming. They also got a banana for me and my little brother a coke and a monster energy drink. When they got back in the car - my brother said that he didn't like the monster drink and they got pretty upset about that, so I said I would drink it - but I didn't end up doing so.
So then we got back to their house and we were outside for a little while - I don't remember why though. I apparently put my banana peel on the ground and Bennett was worried about it and pointed it out saying I should pick it up. I ended up picking him up and it's as if he turned back into a little baby - and for some reason, I couldn't seem to stand very well. It was as if I had lost all balance of myself. I ended up falling over. Bennett's Amom gasped but I convinced her that we were both alright and fine. She let it go.
We then got into their house which seemed to have very little in it. There was a tiny table in the kitchen with two chairs and a high chair around it. On the counter was a coffee pot. There was a fridge as well. But everything else seemed bare. Then in the living room was a sofa, a chair, and a doctors exam table - yeah, strange. Also, there was a t.v. - which is where they went to, after Bennett's Adad asked me if I was finished with the Monster drink.
As they were all in the living room watching tv, I was in the kitchen holding and rocking Bennett. I was rocking him as I swayed my body, staring at him like I did when he was a newborn, wanting him to tell me everything about his life. He started telling me - (yes a talking newborn LOL) about memories of a redhead like me and an aunt who was silly and couldn't seem to spell the word chocolate. He also went into a story about how he wanted to skip the 3rd grade (Amom really does teach 3rd grade). He was joking around about how he doesn't need the 3rd grade. As Adad walked through the kitchen to get a drink I stopped him, concerned because Bennetts face had a lot of water retention in it making his face swollen and red - Adad told me that it was normal 'for him' and walked off. I kept staring at Bennett and holding him as if I would never ever let him go again.
In the beginning of the dream Bennett's Amom called me Rachael but when the dream got to her house she called me Mommy Rachael - I don't know why there was the change.
Now - I know that he is well cared for and that he really does have a wonderful home. I know that he gets the necessary surgeries or doctors visits if they are needed. I know that they love him just as much as I do. I know that he is okay.
But I guess at the end of the day - that doesn't stop my mind from worrying or wanting the best for my little boy. It doesn't stop my heart from wanting to be with him again. It doesn't stop every fiber of my being from missing him.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Being sparked to defense as a natural mother
Today I woke up and spent some time with my Justin honey before he made me some yummy waffles ! Numnumnum.
I then signed onto facebook and got lead to a page called "Voices for adoption".
The page owner posted this questions:
"Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend your life making blogs & posts like this?"
Like this meaning - upset or angry about adoption.
I answered back like this:
Walking into adoption I didn't know what I was getting myself into - as a birthmother. You ask -" Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend you life making blogs & posts like this?" My answer is simple. Because this "option" many of us didn't know much about. We were maybe scared, alone, worried about our baby... and out of the love for our child we called an agency. When I called the agency I knew nothing about adoption at all and I trusted the agency to give me to low down and tell me about adoption, but they did not. I did not know about everything I know now. I didn't know that my lawyer was going to lie to me on behalf of the agency and adoptive parents. I didn't know that the agency would lie to me to make their profits off my baby. I didn't know that the 'contract' I signed wasn't a legal contract and instead that it was pretty much meaningless since it was only 'morally binding'. They told me it was legal and the 'rights' I would get if I signed and agreed to it, I did. That was all lies. I was told that I would have help and counseling from the agency after placement - that was also a lie. I called them a few months after placement and I was told to "get over it and move on". My sons parents swooped in the hospital and gobbled up my child, making me feel like a stranger. They made promises to me (before signing) that they "took back" as soon as I signed my relinquishment papers. They promised that my daughter would be able to meet my son, they lied - they took him out of state without so much as a call or a text or a letter, nothing. They took him and I never got to see him again in person. I get pictures 1x a month (if I ask and if they decide to answer). We talk very briefly as well while she is (the amom) is sending the pictures. Usually between 1-5 photos, through text). I didn't know this was what adoption would be like.. and if I knew I would be walking on eggshells worrying about my adoption being closed and never knowing my son, I would never have placed at all.
Then I was talking to another poster about how when Pap's want a baby they fundraise... and people are all gungho and supportive of it, even knowing they can not afford it. They help them out, buying whatever the Pap's are selling... throwing money at them left and right. But when it's a pregnant single mother then she is told that she could not be a good enough mother due to money issues.
The poster also mentioned how someone else previously mentioned that the expectant mother, " or she's "not ready to be a parent" because of "selfishness, immaturity and poverty""
And So I said this in return:
" I had my daughter at 18... living with my parents, a job where I barely made much money at all, and being 18 - well, I was still growing up. Was I selfish to keep my own child? - some may say "Absolutely". But she is 5 years old now... and when I look her her bright smiling face each morning I know that I did something right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but keeping her and fighting for her has not been one of them. We have struggled, majorly struggled. But does any of that matter to her? No ! What matters to her is that I love her, that I cuddle her, that I read to her every night before bed. That is what matters to her. Does it matter the amount of toys she has or if they're top brand and electrical? No ! Because shes 5 and most of her favorite things to do is play "cashier" where she pretends to "scan" every item in the house... or yard sale, where she just pretend to "sell" every item in the house. She doesn't "play" with the toys she does have most of the time.. not in the sense of how they're meant to be played with. She's five ! The zoo, the park, the beach... she'd rather be there anyday! And when it's winter... she'd rather be out in the snow. My little one is kind, compassionate, understanding, bright, empathetic, and the most loving human I have ever met. And if someone wants to tell me I "was not ready to parent", I'd tell them to meet my little girl and then say it to my face, because they are dead wrong."
One day I do hope adoption changes.. but until then I guess I'm going to have to keep taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best one day. Hoping my son will want to know who I am and have a relationship one day. Hope that he knows I just wanted to do what I was told was best for him.
Later in the day: The page owner posted that she would like for everyone to have respect for each other and different views.
My response:
" I understand, unfortunately where there is pain there is typically mental blocks and emotional barriers set up. And where there is happiness there is quite the same of protective coping mechanisms. Some people joyous in adoption may not want to or care to see the negative or harmful sides of it, blocking it out or trying to negate it. But there is the other end of the spectrum where there is the pain and the hurt and some of those people may not want to or care to see the positive sides of adoption because their pain is too difficult to see through, they can't even begin to imagine happiness revolving adoption. I find that the problem usually results when one another get offended by the happy or negative stories and try to shoot each other down, tell each other they are 'wrong' without that personal experience, or they try to shove their own experiences and beliefs down one another's' throats without stopping to understand what the other party in the conversation is really trying to say. Sometimes each party will come back with a message that is totally irrelevant to the original post, just because of those mental blocks or emotional barriers. They don't want their walls broken down. If a happy persons walls are broken down that could allow the sadness, anger, or frustrations to seep in and they don't want that to happen. And vise versa - when someone is angry or hurt - they probably can't even imagine trying to let those walls down because it's overwhelming and it's frightening, etc. Do you understand what I mean? And not everyone is like this - I can't speak for everyone, obviously. Some people can see both sides and say, "Yeah there are great adoptions, that's wonderful ! It worked and everyone is happy, adoption was a blessing." but can also say, "Yeah there are awful adoptions, it's really unfortunate and adoption could use changing. There is a lot that can be done to help BETTER adoptions from where it is now so that MORE people could experience better adoption experiences. Let's think about doing this or changing that." You know? This is just based on my own personal observations and views."
Personally I feel adoption CAN work... for those people who decide to MAKE it work. Maybe a wonderful and compassionate couple decides to keep whatever relationship is comfortable for the birthmother and themselves and the child, and can make it work ! But not because of the agency or because of adoption, but because they CHOOSE to.
But then again there is nothing that makes adoption work, other than people wanting to make it work. So if a birthfamily comes across a couple who has their own motives, adoption won't work and there is nothing that makes it have to work on behalf of everyone involved either. In some states there is legal adoption contracts made.. but that also may not 'work' knowing that a birthfamily may not be able to afford a lawyer and the necessary money to fight for those rights to their placed child. In these scenarios, adoption needs a reform. In my personal opinion, money needs to be taken out of adoptions and couples need a better understanding of compassion and empathy for the birthfamily's pain, prior to getting involved in an adoption placement.
I then signed onto facebook and got lead to a page called "Voices for adoption".
The page owner posted this questions:
"Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend your life making blogs & posts like this?"
Like this meaning - upset or angry about adoption.
I answered back like this:
Walking into adoption I didn't know what I was getting myself into - as a birthmother. You ask -" Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend you life making blogs & posts like this?" My answer is simple. Because this "option" many of us didn't know much about. We were maybe scared, alone, worried about our baby... and out of the love for our child we called an agency. When I called the agency I knew nothing about adoption at all and I trusted the agency to give me to low down and tell me about adoption, but they did not. I did not know about everything I know now. I didn't know that my lawyer was going to lie to me on behalf of the agency and adoptive parents. I didn't know that the agency would lie to me to make their profits off my baby. I didn't know that the 'contract' I signed wasn't a legal contract and instead that it was pretty much meaningless since it was only 'morally binding'. They told me it was legal and the 'rights' I would get if I signed and agreed to it, I did. That was all lies. I was told that I would have help and counseling from the agency after placement - that was also a lie. I called them a few months after placement and I was told to "get over it and move on". My sons parents swooped in the hospital and gobbled up my child, making me feel like a stranger. They made promises to me (before signing) that they "took back" as soon as I signed my relinquishment papers. They promised that my daughter would be able to meet my son, they lied - they took him out of state without so much as a call or a text or a letter, nothing. They took him and I never got to see him again in person. I get pictures 1x a month (if I ask and if they decide to answer). We talk very briefly as well while she is (the amom) is sending the pictures. Usually between 1-5 photos, through text). I didn't know this was what adoption would be like.. and if I knew I would be walking on eggshells worrying about my adoption being closed and never knowing my son, I would never have placed at all.
Then I was talking to another poster about how when Pap's want a baby they fundraise... and people are all gungho and supportive of it, even knowing they can not afford it. They help them out, buying whatever the Pap's are selling... throwing money at them left and right. But when it's a pregnant single mother then she is told that she could not be a good enough mother due to money issues.
The poster also mentioned how someone else previously mentioned that the expectant mother, " or she's "not ready to be a parent" because of "selfishness, immaturity and poverty""
And So I said this in return:
" I had my daughter at 18... living with my parents, a job where I barely made much money at all, and being 18 - well, I was still growing up. Was I selfish to keep my own child? - some may say "Absolutely". But she is 5 years old now... and when I look her her bright smiling face each morning I know that I did something right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but keeping her and fighting for her has not been one of them. We have struggled, majorly struggled. But does any of that matter to her? No ! What matters to her is that I love her, that I cuddle her, that I read to her every night before bed. That is what matters to her. Does it matter the amount of toys she has or if they're top brand and electrical? No ! Because shes 5 and most of her favorite things to do is play "cashier" where she pretends to "scan" every item in the house... or yard sale, where she just pretend to "sell" every item in the house. She doesn't "play" with the toys she does have most of the time.. not in the sense of how they're meant to be played with. She's five ! The zoo, the park, the beach... she'd rather be there anyday! And when it's winter... she'd rather be out in the snow. My little one is kind, compassionate, understanding, bright, empathetic, and the most loving human I have ever met. And if someone wants to tell me I "was not ready to parent", I'd tell them to meet my little girl and then say it to my face, because they are dead wrong."
One day I do hope adoption changes.. but until then I guess I'm going to have to keep taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best one day. Hoping my son will want to know who I am and have a relationship one day. Hope that he knows I just wanted to do what I was told was best for him.
Later in the day: The page owner posted that she would like for everyone to have respect for each other and different views.
My response:
" I understand, unfortunately where there is pain there is typically mental blocks and emotional barriers set up. And where there is happiness there is quite the same of protective coping mechanisms. Some people joyous in adoption may not want to or care to see the negative or harmful sides of it, blocking it out or trying to negate it. But there is the other end of the spectrum where there is the pain and the hurt and some of those people may not want to or care to see the positive sides of adoption because their pain is too difficult to see through, they can't even begin to imagine happiness revolving adoption. I find that the problem usually results when one another get offended by the happy or negative stories and try to shoot each other down, tell each other they are 'wrong' without that personal experience, or they try to shove their own experiences and beliefs down one another's' throats without stopping to understand what the other party in the conversation is really trying to say. Sometimes each party will come back with a message that is totally irrelevant to the original post, just because of those mental blocks or emotional barriers. They don't want their walls broken down. If a happy persons walls are broken down that could allow the sadness, anger, or frustrations to seep in and they don't want that to happen. And vise versa - when someone is angry or hurt - they probably can't even imagine trying to let those walls down because it's overwhelming and it's frightening, etc. Do you understand what I mean? And not everyone is like this - I can't speak for everyone, obviously. Some people can see both sides and say, "Yeah there are great adoptions, that's wonderful ! It worked and everyone is happy, adoption was a blessing." but can also say, "Yeah there are awful adoptions, it's really unfortunate and adoption could use changing. There is a lot that can be done to help BETTER adoptions from where it is now so that MORE people could experience better adoption experiences. Let's think about doing this or changing that." You know? This is just based on my own personal observations and views."
Personally I feel adoption CAN work... for those people who decide to MAKE it work. Maybe a wonderful and compassionate couple decides to keep whatever relationship is comfortable for the birthmother and themselves and the child, and can make it work ! But not because of the agency or because of adoption, but because they CHOOSE to.
But then again there is nothing that makes adoption work, other than people wanting to make it work. So if a birthfamily comes across a couple who has their own motives, adoption won't work and there is nothing that makes it have to work on behalf of everyone involved either. In some states there is legal adoption contracts made.. but that also may not 'work' knowing that a birthfamily may not be able to afford a lawyer and the necessary money to fight for those rights to their placed child. In these scenarios, adoption needs a reform. In my personal opinion, money needs to be taken out of adoptions and couples need a better understanding of compassion and empathy for the birthfamily's pain, prior to getting involved in an adoption placement.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Being a mother and a natural mother
So today I spent the day with my Justin honey.. then Scott picked me up and with Lailah and his family we went down to some beach to dig up clams. I don't eat them but it's fun to dig them up. I don't really spend time with his family and I do find it nice to do. I like feeling connected to them because they are connected to Lailah. Although, I feel as if they don't really like me around. His mother has been talking to me a bit more which does help me feel more comfortable.. but I'm never invited places or to tag along with them, which really sort of bothers me.
On the note of my other child... I miss him and people don't get it. I really hate how much pain I feel and what it's done to not only me but many other people. Tonight on a site I use.. a Prospective Adoptive Parent (Pap) mentioned that she wanted to use a variation of the birthmothers name to honor her with her child. Which I felt was a good sentiment. But other people are so fucking hateful about something they know nothing about. Some women were saying that the birthmother doesn't deserve any honor for "giving her child away". Another woman said that the child shouldn't be given the birthmothers name so that it wouldn't have that connection to a family that isn't it's. It really pissed me off. Then an adoptee came along (betting it's a closed adoption and she was lied to by her aparents, told that she was unwanted by her natural family) saying that she would have hated to have been given her natural mothers name because she wouldn't want any connection to the 'family' as she put it, who "chose" not to raise her. Bullshit. I mean, I know each story is different but seriously? I bet she has no idea what women like us go through or the pain we feel.
I wish I could have my son back.. but these past 2years would that have been what was best for him? Probably not. I was just trying to do what was best for both my children. I love them and all I want for them is their safety, even if that means not being with me.
Why can't people even try to see our hurt or our pain? Why can people who miscarry get comfort, or people who have stillborns? But yet I'm supposed to just ignore a full pregnancy and delivery and ignore the fact that my child is alive and well and not with me? I mean - yes, I'm sure the other two are extremely painful too, I'm not lessening that pain or making little of it.. I'm just saying, why aren't natural mothers included in that?
How come when a woman who has placed gets pregnant again the first thing we hear is, "Are you keeping this one?" Or, "I gather you're keeping this one?" Why can't it just be a "Congratulations." Like everyone else gets?! Do women who have previously aborted hear things like, "Are you getting rid of this one too?" "Are you terminating this pregnancy as well?" No, more than likely not.
Why are we grouped together and attacked worse than women who choose abortion?
So many questions and so little answers.
Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I miss my son? Yes.
Do I wish I could have kept him and raised him? Yes.
Do I think about him every single day? Yes.
Do I hope that one day he will want to meet me and form a relationship with me? Absolutely.
He is my child, I am his natural mother, he is their child, they are his adoptive family.
He is mine in a way he will never be theirs and he is theirs in a way that he is not mine.
But together - we are adoption.
I am a birthmother, first mother, natural mother - whatever... and my feelings are real and they are here every single day.
I wrote this last month, I feel it should be here:
On the note of my other child... I miss him and people don't get it. I really hate how much pain I feel and what it's done to not only me but many other people. Tonight on a site I use.. a Prospective Adoptive Parent (Pap) mentioned that she wanted to use a variation of the birthmothers name to honor her with her child. Which I felt was a good sentiment. But other people are so fucking hateful about something they know nothing about. Some women were saying that the birthmother doesn't deserve any honor for "giving her child away". Another woman said that the child shouldn't be given the birthmothers name so that it wouldn't have that connection to a family that isn't it's. It really pissed me off. Then an adoptee came along (betting it's a closed adoption and she was lied to by her aparents, told that she was unwanted by her natural family) saying that she would have hated to have been given her natural mothers name because she wouldn't want any connection to the 'family' as she put it, who "chose" not to raise her. Bullshit. I mean, I know each story is different but seriously? I bet she has no idea what women like us go through or the pain we feel.
I wish I could have my son back.. but these past 2years would that have been what was best for him? Probably not. I was just trying to do what was best for both my children. I love them and all I want for them is their safety, even if that means not being with me.
Why can't people even try to see our hurt or our pain? Why can people who miscarry get comfort, or people who have stillborns? But yet I'm supposed to just ignore a full pregnancy and delivery and ignore the fact that my child is alive and well and not with me? I mean - yes, I'm sure the other two are extremely painful too, I'm not lessening that pain or making little of it.. I'm just saying, why aren't natural mothers included in that?
How come when a woman who has placed gets pregnant again the first thing we hear is, "Are you keeping this one?" Or, "I gather you're keeping this one?" Why can't it just be a "Congratulations." Like everyone else gets?! Do women who have previously aborted hear things like, "Are you getting rid of this one too?" "Are you terminating this pregnancy as well?" No, more than likely not.
Why are we grouped together and attacked worse than women who choose abortion?
So many questions and so little answers.
Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I miss my son? Yes.
Do I wish I could have kept him and raised him? Yes.
Do I think about him every single day? Yes.
Do I hope that one day he will want to meet me and form a relationship with me? Absolutely.
He is my child, I am his natural mother, he is their child, they are his adoptive family.
He is mine in a way he will never be theirs and he is theirs in a way that he is not mine.
But together - we are adoption.
I am a birthmother, first mother, natural mother - whatever... and my feelings are real and they are here every single day.
I wrote this last month, I feel it should be here:
I'm sick of people telling me to be happy about my adoption.I'm sick of people telling me "at least you get pictures"."At least you know he's happy and safe."I'm sick of people talking about Bennett like he was a 'gift' to give away,saying I blessed a couple with a gift.I'm not fucking god !!Stop !
Stop, close your eyes. Imagine, just IMAGINE having to make this choice for yourself and your baby.Or FEELING like you do.
Remember what it was like, how you felt right after delivering your baby.Remember what it was like holding your baby for the first time.Remember that moment when they opened their big bright eyes and looked right up at you, acknowledging you as mother.Remember when your baby would cry and your simple "shhh" of love and comfort would sooth them right back to sleep?Remember how adorable they looked when they took that first big yawn?Can you remember?
Now imagine strangers swooping in and gobbling up your child.They're brought backup - more family members along.You're pushed to the far corners of the room, feeling like a ghost in the room.You watch all their happiness flood in as your sadness creeps out.You don't know if you can go through with it anymore.You don't want to leave your baby - you need them and you feel in your heart that they need you.But you don't dare say anything.How dare you give a couple 'false hope'.How dare you force them to place so much of their time and wishful thinking into you.How can you tell these people that you want your baby back?How can you tell the agency that you can't do it after they've told you over and over again to not go back on your word or past emotions based on fear.You feel like not only a bad person but a bad mother.You lose all sense of self, all sense of being.You lose faith in yourself and worse - faith in your relationship and bond between you and your own child.A lawyer comes in and takes you into a room.A few other people come - staring you down and helping the lawyer urge you to sign.The whole thing is a fog as you sign over your life to these people.Do you even have a choice at this point?You walk out of the hospital alone, tears dripping down your face, get in your car and drive home.That night - there is no baby, not a peep in the house. No cries for your engorged breasts which have filled with milk and ache to feed the baby you've left behind with the strangers.The next day you go out and nobody acknowledges your pain.Cheer up ! They all say.You'll get over it! They encourage blindly.At least your baby didn't die! They ignorantly push your pain aside.
Now come back. How does that feel?Look at the child you've birthed RIGHT now and imagine them not being there, imagine you feeling like you didn't have the choice, even when it was considered your choice.
I ignore it though,all the time,everyday.Because I don't like to think these things and feel sad all the timenobody gets it.MY baby is gone.You don't think so? Ask Ap's who's baby they have. And they tell me to be happy?You fucking lose your baby and then tell me to be happy !You be happy about it after going through the loss and pain.I dare you.People tell me it was my choice, like thats supposed to make it easier.Let me tell you something - it doesn't.
And I'm supposed to just go, "Oh forget about me and my pain, I did what was BEST for my baby! I was so unselfish!"How? How was him leaving me what was best for him? How was him entering strangers arms what was best for him? Would it have been selfish if I had kept him? Would I have been the awful mother everyone made me feel like? No. I wouldn't have been.I have a beautiful, bright, amazing little girl who is 5 and I did it. We made it. When nobody believed in me. We struggled and we still are.. but I have her and she has me and we don't have her brother.
And now I'll close this back up and I'll act as if I've never suffered and that I'm not everyday. I'll wake up tomorrow with a smile and continue on with life just as everyone else has. And crying? Who does that? Crying doesn't exist.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Love for your child
I am beyond outraged. I am hurting, I am sad, and I am angry.
When I first got pregnant with my daughter at 17 I was on the rocks with her chronically lying father. My entire pregnancy he cheated on me, lied to me, and left me to be with this girl named Sandra. He was never really around. When I was somewhere around 25 weeks pregnant or so.. I started bleeding out. I rushed to the ER to find out that due to stress I lost a lot of her amniotic fluid and that they had to keep a very close eye on her until delivery.
So every week I went to 2 doctors appts, one Non-stress test (NST), and a growth U/s. At about 34 weeks they measured her and found out that she had stopped growing. For the next week they decided kept an eye on it. At my 35th week testing they also found that she was not growing. So then they scheduled me for an emergency inducement at 36 weeks.
I went into the hospital and I was in labor for 18 hours. I didn't take the epidural until after 15 hours. An hour later I was ready to push and I was fully dilated. I pushed for 2 hours to get her out. Scott was there but he was dating that girl Sandra so he would barely even look at me, even though I just delivered his child.
After that he joined the military and he left. I tried so many times to make it work with him. He proposed to me twice. The first time he proposed and I said yes... when he came home on vacation I found other girls texting his phone calling him baby, saying they missed him and couldn't wait for him to come 'home'. Later on I eventually found a very very detailed convo between him and this other chick... explaining what happened between them sexually while he was based in FL. I messaged her and she said she knew who I was and she didn't care. Some people huh?
I threw off the wedding. He swore again that he could make things right (like he always did) and I always believed him. He reproposed and I accepted. We got married on Jan 1st. I don't even remember the year. Anyways... he left and went back down to where he was based in NC. I moved down there twice. The first time we moved on base into a house living with one of his friends and the friends family. The wife and I got along at first but I quickly came to realize that they both were very abusive. They would scream, shout, punch each other, hit each other, throw things at each other, choke each other, etc. I would always lock myself up in the room with Lailah trying to help her ignore it. This couple also had a 3 month old baby. At night I would get up and feed their baby because they would leave her crying for up to 6 hours or longer. Soon after realizing how abusive they were and telling Scott about it and being brushed off.. the wife started blaming me for sleeping with her husband - which I didn't do. I demanded to Scott that I go home.
So the next day at something like 8am he dropped Lailah and I off at the airport and only paid for our tickets home, then he left. I was told by the flight people that our flight wasn't until 11pm that night. I had no money for food or anything. I spoke to them and they told me there was nothing they could do. I tried to call Scott and contact him but nothing. I eventually called his work and he told me he couldn't leave and there was nothing he could do. So eventually very nice strangers saw me with my crying baby and gave me money for food to feed her and myself.
Months later down the line Scott swore to me that he got us our own home on base and that we could be a family. So I packed myself and Lai up and we went down there. Only to realize he was lying and we were stuck in a hotel. For weeks I was trapped in this tiny hotel room with a baby and no way to get food or go anywhere. We were eating fast food because there was nowhere to store food there. I kept on him telling him we couldn't stay there. Then one day he left to go to work and he told me that I had only 1-2 days to get out, because that was all he paid for. I called my father in tears and my dad rented a car and drove 17 hours down to come and pick us up.
Finally I gained up the courage to demand a divorce. Which still hasn't happened - and I realize that that is because if we did, he knows I would get full custody and he wouldn't get any custody. So I went on living my life and caring for Lailah as a single parent. He only paid child support because it's military mandated and it went through his commanding officer.
Well last Monday he came home.. and I've been letting him see her and be around her. Which I have done every time he's come home. I've sent him updates and pictures (to which most he didn't even reply to, he just ignored). We would call him whenever she wanted to (which also was often ignored). And I respected his wishes for his parents to see her on weekends. I've never taken that from them.
(Backstory for the rest)
I don't talk to my mother and I haven't since back around easter and before that since back in october, before my bday in November. She has always been mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. Back around easter she told me she hoped I would kill myself and die, and that's not the first time she's said that. Months back.. Before the new year I think. I told her that I felt disrespected by her and my brother and that there was going to be boundaries where she would get to see lailah at the park or zoo or something like that. I told her that it would only be for a few hours with me there. I said if I didn't like something then we would leave. I tried to be the bigger person and the adult in the situation. She FLIPPED out. She got my aunt and brother to verbally attack me based of God knows what she told them. So I was like, okay deals off then,
nevermind. We didn't talk again until Easter where she sent Lailah a huge basket full of things and had my dad give it to her. I spent a lot of money on Lailah and I was the 'Easter Bunny' so when Lailah got my moms basket she threw mine on the floor because it was 'just from the Easter Bunny' and the other one was from someone she knew. Then she told me, "Mommy, why didn't YOU get me anything?" When I actually bought her hundreds of dollars worth of things for her basket. So I texted my mom telling her I didn't appreciate it and she came at me telling me to go kill myself and she hoped I would die and also that Lailah would learn to hate me.
So tonight Lailah went over to her grandparents with her father. Later on I got a text from him asking me about my mom. I explained that we don't talk and that she's been abusive to me and that I don't accept that. He then said "Well, I'm taking her over there tomorrow." And I freaked ! I felt threatened and I felt as if he was barging in and taking over on me. Making decisions for me as Lailah's mother. I felt disrespected and disregarded and yes, I overreacted a bit. Court was brought up and custody was brought up. I was crying and panicking because Lai is my entire life, I've built my life around her. She's my everything. Eventually I told him I would call his commanding officer and he finally called me. At first there was shouting but then he agreed he would not take her to my mothers without speaking about all of this further. I apologized for over reacting and explained that I have done nothing but respected him and his family and I deserve the same in return. So tomorrow he's supposed to pick me up and we're going to go get clams at the beach with Lailah and talk further. I'm feeling more stable now but that sent me for quite the loop. How dare he.
I read to her every night, I have taught her her letters; numbers; how to count; how to memorize, I watch all her favorite shows with her all the time, I cook her favorite meals, I take her to her favorite places. I have raised this little girl to be everything she is. She's my beautiful, amazing, intelligent, compassionate, empathetic - little girl. She is literally my life. I wouldn't want to live without her in my life.
When I first got pregnant with my daughter at 17 I was on the rocks with her chronically lying father. My entire pregnancy he cheated on me, lied to me, and left me to be with this girl named Sandra. He was never really around. When I was somewhere around 25 weeks pregnant or so.. I started bleeding out. I rushed to the ER to find out that due to stress I lost a lot of her amniotic fluid and that they had to keep a very close eye on her until delivery.
So every week I went to 2 doctors appts, one Non-stress test (NST), and a growth U/s. At about 34 weeks they measured her and found out that she had stopped growing. For the next week they decided kept an eye on it. At my 35th week testing they also found that she was not growing. So then they scheduled me for an emergency inducement at 36 weeks.
I went into the hospital and I was in labor for 18 hours. I didn't take the epidural until after 15 hours. An hour later I was ready to push and I was fully dilated. I pushed for 2 hours to get her out. Scott was there but he was dating that girl Sandra so he would barely even look at me, even though I just delivered his child.
After that he joined the military and he left. I tried so many times to make it work with him. He proposed to me twice. The first time he proposed and I said yes... when he came home on vacation I found other girls texting his phone calling him baby, saying they missed him and couldn't wait for him to come 'home'. Later on I eventually found a very very detailed convo between him and this other chick... explaining what happened between them sexually while he was based in FL. I messaged her and she said she knew who I was and she didn't care. Some people huh?
I threw off the wedding. He swore again that he could make things right (like he always did) and I always believed him. He reproposed and I accepted. We got married on Jan 1st. I don't even remember the year. Anyways... he left and went back down to where he was based in NC. I moved down there twice. The first time we moved on base into a house living with one of his friends and the friends family. The wife and I got along at first but I quickly came to realize that they both were very abusive. They would scream, shout, punch each other, hit each other, throw things at each other, choke each other, etc. I would always lock myself up in the room with Lailah trying to help her ignore it. This couple also had a 3 month old baby. At night I would get up and feed their baby because they would leave her crying for up to 6 hours or longer. Soon after realizing how abusive they were and telling Scott about it and being brushed off.. the wife started blaming me for sleeping with her husband - which I didn't do. I demanded to Scott that I go home.
So the next day at something like 8am he dropped Lailah and I off at the airport and only paid for our tickets home, then he left. I was told by the flight people that our flight wasn't until 11pm that night. I had no money for food or anything. I spoke to them and they told me there was nothing they could do. I tried to call Scott and contact him but nothing. I eventually called his work and he told me he couldn't leave and there was nothing he could do. So eventually very nice strangers saw me with my crying baby and gave me money for food to feed her and myself.
Months later down the line Scott swore to me that he got us our own home on base and that we could be a family. So I packed myself and Lai up and we went down there. Only to realize he was lying and we were stuck in a hotel. For weeks I was trapped in this tiny hotel room with a baby and no way to get food or go anywhere. We were eating fast food because there was nowhere to store food there. I kept on him telling him we couldn't stay there. Then one day he left to go to work and he told me that I had only 1-2 days to get out, because that was all he paid for. I called my father in tears and my dad rented a car and drove 17 hours down to come and pick us up.
Finally I gained up the courage to demand a divorce. Which still hasn't happened - and I realize that that is because if we did, he knows I would get full custody and he wouldn't get any custody. So I went on living my life and caring for Lailah as a single parent. He only paid child support because it's military mandated and it went through his commanding officer.
Well last Monday he came home.. and I've been letting him see her and be around her. Which I have done every time he's come home. I've sent him updates and pictures (to which most he didn't even reply to, he just ignored). We would call him whenever she wanted to (which also was often ignored). And I respected his wishes for his parents to see her on weekends. I've never taken that from them.
(Backstory for the rest)
I don't talk to my mother and I haven't since back around easter and before that since back in october, before my bday in November. She has always been mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. Back around easter she told me she hoped I would kill myself and die, and that's not the first time she's said that. Months back.. Before the new year I think. I told her that I felt disrespected by her and my brother and that there was going to be boundaries where she would get to see lailah at the park or zoo or something like that. I told her that it would only be for a few hours with me there. I said if I didn't like something then we would leave. I tried to be the bigger person and the adult in the situation. She FLIPPED out. She got my aunt and brother to verbally attack me based of God knows what she told them. So I was like, okay deals off then,
nevermind. We didn't talk again until Easter where she sent Lailah a huge basket full of things and had my dad give it to her. I spent a lot of money on Lailah and I was the 'Easter Bunny' so when Lailah got my moms basket she threw mine on the floor because it was 'just from the Easter Bunny' and the other one was from someone she knew. Then she told me, "Mommy, why didn't YOU get me anything?" When I actually bought her hundreds of dollars worth of things for her basket. So I texted my mom telling her I didn't appreciate it and she came at me telling me to go kill myself and she hoped I would die and also that Lailah would learn to hate me.
So tonight Lailah went over to her grandparents with her father. Later on I got a text from him asking me about my mom. I explained that we don't talk and that she's been abusive to me and that I don't accept that. He then said "Well, I'm taking her over there tomorrow." And I freaked ! I felt threatened and I felt as if he was barging in and taking over on me. Making decisions for me as Lailah's mother. I felt disrespected and disregarded and yes, I overreacted a bit. Court was brought up and custody was brought up. I was crying and panicking because Lai is my entire life, I've built my life around her. She's my everything. Eventually I told him I would call his commanding officer and he finally called me. At first there was shouting but then he agreed he would not take her to my mothers without speaking about all of this further. I apologized for over reacting and explained that I have done nothing but respected him and his family and I deserve the same in return. So tomorrow he's supposed to pick me up and we're going to go get clams at the beach with Lailah and talk further. I'm feeling more stable now but that sent me for quite the loop. How dare he.
I read to her every night, I have taught her her letters; numbers; how to count; how to memorize, I watch all her favorite shows with her all the time, I cook her favorite meals, I take her to her favorite places. I have raised this little girl to be everything she is. She's my beautiful, amazing, intelligent, compassionate, empathetic - little girl. She is literally my life. I wouldn't want to live without her in my life.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Dreams that bring back memories
Dreaming seems to be the place where my whole life tries to understand itself.
Last night I guess I was.. facing the issues I have had with my mom in my past.
In my dream it was Christmas and I opened up the gifts my mother got me... and it was all stuff that I didn't need or couldn't use. I even remember clearly 2 pairs of sandals in my size.. but literally were like toddler fashion.
My sister opened up her gifts and she had gotten Abercrombie clothing as a gift for losing so much weight and a bunch of other things she could use and needed. I FLIPPED.
This is a perfect example of how I've felt about my mother my whole life. That she's always created the 'illusion' to others that she's cared or that she's loved me... when in reality, it's all been bullshit. Then everyone views me as the ungrateful selfish bitch. They claim I should be more appreciative that I get anything at all. But really - the only reason I did get anything at all was so she wouldn't look 'bad' and so that people would accept her. It was never about me. It was always about her and her attempt at showing others she was being or could be a good parent to me, without ever actually being that good parent. Plus I've always felt like the reject child.
Growing up... I don't even remember her. Isn't that weird? She worked from home, so it's not even like I never seen her or that she was always busy. But most of the time I remember her locked in her room doing God knows what. The only time I remember her being around was for dinner time - but I guess that makes sense her being extremely overweight and such my whole life. I have one memory of my mother... we were camping and I had a Mickey mouse coloring book - I was 5 I believe it was when I broke my leg and was in the wagon. Well, my mom finally agreed to color with me. She colored a picture of Goofy... and I remember looking at it and wanting to be able to color just like her.
In my teen years I told everyone I hated my dad and that he was awful. And yes - we fought a LOT when I was a teen... fist fights and all. But my dad taught me what guilt is.. he taught me what learning was, he taught me what motivation was, he taught me what understanding of others was, he taught me everything great that I know now.
My dad taught me to read and write, he was patient with me. He read my sister and I bedtime stories all the time. I remember we had this HUGE princess book that had golden pages. And my sister and I took turns choosing a story, which my dad took the time to read us. I remember climbing up on my dads lap while he was doing crossword puzzles and him making the examples easier for me to guess the answer - and he wouldn't write the answer in until I guessed it or until he explained whatever it was and helped me understand it. I remember when my dad would put puzzles together, the big ones that you build into figurines and such and I liked to watch him. I thought my dad was so smart and awesome. I remember when I was really little (no idea the age), one day my dad was outside with me.. it was sunny and hot out... he just laid on the grass with me looking up at the sky and he taught me to use my imagination, making pictures out of clouds. I think I may have even been too little to really make pictures out of the clouds... I probably just shouted random things and pretended I saw them, but he just laughed along with me. I remember when I was little he taught me how to swim... at something like 5 years old I could swim. I remember I told him I wanted to swim without arm floats and he told me to swim back and forth across the pool something like 3 times.. and I did. I felt so proud of myself and I mostly felt that way because I felt that my dad was proud of me. I also remember when I was older - maybe 10? I don't really know.. he spent time with me outside teaching me to ride a bike on my own. And I appreciated that probably more than he knows. I remember whenever I asked him questions he answered me to the best of his ability - which is a parenting trait I now have for my own children, and I love it. In my teen years we fought a lot... nobody in my family was perfect. But what mattered the most to me was when my dad came in and hugged me, when he just tried to talk to me and explain things to me. The most important thing though was when he was apologize to me. And because of that - I now can apologize to others as well - even my children. I am grateful for my dad and I am even more grateful that I still have him in my life today. He means a lot more to me than he knows.
Last night I guess I was.. facing the issues I have had with my mom in my past.
In my dream it was Christmas and I opened up the gifts my mother got me... and it was all stuff that I didn't need or couldn't use. I even remember clearly 2 pairs of sandals in my size.. but literally were like toddler fashion.
My sister opened up her gifts and she had gotten Abercrombie clothing as a gift for losing so much weight and a bunch of other things she could use and needed. I FLIPPED.
This is a perfect example of how I've felt about my mother my whole life. That she's always created the 'illusion' to others that she's cared or that she's loved me... when in reality, it's all been bullshit. Then everyone views me as the ungrateful selfish bitch. They claim I should be more appreciative that I get anything at all. But really - the only reason I did get anything at all was so she wouldn't look 'bad' and so that people would accept her. It was never about me. It was always about her and her attempt at showing others she was being or could be a good parent to me, without ever actually being that good parent. Plus I've always felt like the reject child.
Growing up... I don't even remember her. Isn't that weird? She worked from home, so it's not even like I never seen her or that she was always busy. But most of the time I remember her locked in her room doing God knows what. The only time I remember her being around was for dinner time - but I guess that makes sense her being extremely overweight and such my whole life. I have one memory of my mother... we were camping and I had a Mickey mouse coloring book - I was 5 I believe it was when I broke my leg and was in the wagon. Well, my mom finally agreed to color with me. She colored a picture of Goofy... and I remember looking at it and wanting to be able to color just like her.
In my teen years I told everyone I hated my dad and that he was awful. And yes - we fought a LOT when I was a teen... fist fights and all. But my dad taught me what guilt is.. he taught me what learning was, he taught me what motivation was, he taught me what understanding of others was, he taught me everything great that I know now.
My dad taught me to read and write, he was patient with me. He read my sister and I bedtime stories all the time. I remember we had this HUGE princess book that had golden pages. And my sister and I took turns choosing a story, which my dad took the time to read us. I remember climbing up on my dads lap while he was doing crossword puzzles and him making the examples easier for me to guess the answer - and he wouldn't write the answer in until I guessed it or until he explained whatever it was and helped me understand it. I remember when my dad would put puzzles together, the big ones that you build into figurines and such and I liked to watch him. I thought my dad was so smart and awesome. I remember when I was really little (no idea the age), one day my dad was outside with me.. it was sunny and hot out... he just laid on the grass with me looking up at the sky and he taught me to use my imagination, making pictures out of clouds. I think I may have even been too little to really make pictures out of the clouds... I probably just shouted random things and pretended I saw them, but he just laughed along with me. I remember when I was little he taught me how to swim... at something like 5 years old I could swim. I remember I told him I wanted to swim without arm floats and he told me to swim back and forth across the pool something like 3 times.. and I did. I felt so proud of myself and I mostly felt that way because I felt that my dad was proud of me. I also remember when I was older - maybe 10? I don't really know.. he spent time with me outside teaching me to ride a bike on my own. And I appreciated that probably more than he knows. I remember whenever I asked him questions he answered me to the best of his ability - which is a parenting trait I now have for my own children, and I love it. In my teen years we fought a lot... nobody in my family was perfect. But what mattered the most to me was when my dad came in and hugged me, when he just tried to talk to me and explain things to me. The most important thing though was when he was apologize to me. And because of that - I now can apologize to others as well - even my children. I am grateful for my dad and I am even more grateful that I still have him in my life today. He means a lot more to me than he knows.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Been a while
Hey there,
I'm back ! Which doesn't seem to be a good thing since I usually turn to writing when things haven't gone well. A lot to report on. A lot to catch up on.
Lailah turned 5... Bennett turned 2... perfection.
Oh, and I'm expecting. My boyfriend and I got back together and things are going really well. A lot happened. I won't even get into it, because now we are happy and doing really really well.
Remember that 'best friend' I was talking about before? Well, yeah... we're pretty much demolished. A few days ago he admitted to me that the only reason he was nice to me, kind to me, supportive of me, caring towards me - was because he loved me, and now he doesn't. He said that he shut it off. Back after I went on the break with my boyfriend, my best friend came to visit me... but we just acted as friends. Then after he went home... he became distant, cold, mean, he didn't want much to do with me anymore. It really hurt. I called him out on it the other day - which is where he admitted he shut off everything towards me now. He's not who I once knew and I can't even tolerate who he is anymore. Where did my best friend go?
Whatever....
My boyfriend and I are doing really great. I'm so glad we got back together and worked everything out. Right after we got back together... I guess we conceived. We found out on April 3rd that we are expecting a little one.
I feel a lot of feelings about this... I'm scared, worried, I feel guilt, shame, pain - but over all - Love. I love this baby and I love my boyfriend. I really do.
Now my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together, I love cuddling ! We watch netflix together, he is amazing with Lailah, and he's there for me. He listens to me, comforts me, and he just really helps me feel better and sort of heal. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm now 16w5d... we are Team Green which means we aren't going to find out the babys gender until delivery.
I also need a new job - I quit working as a host when I got disrespected, I walked out. I don't tolerate disrespect very well.. yeah...
Today I got triggered, pretty bad. Flash back from my past. When I was about 10 yrs old - in Mrs. Burns 5th grade class, I was hospitalized instead - in Hasbro Childrens hospital for being underweight. Well, just watch this:
That's exactly what they did to me.
Now people are outraged that the government is doing this to prisoners in Guantanamo... but nobody cares to know that this happened to myself and probably a lot of other children only 10 years ago. And it may even still be happening now.
I feel hurt and angry because - why are so many strangers of these people outraged... but my own family/parents... weren't when it was happening to me.
I tried to talk to my best friend about it today before deleting him off my facebook and deleting him from my phone completely... he tried to compare it to get vaccinated against his wishes. Saying that being vaccinated is just as bad.
He tried saying vaccinations are pointless. Of course I felt my parenting was being attacked - because I vaccinate my children. I was vaccinated and I'm happy I was - because I'm healthy. He asked me what proof there was that vaccines keep diseases and illnesses away. I told him to look around ! Polio, measles, mumps, rubella, and now even chickenpox is nearly non-existent. Back when we were kids, everyone had chickenpox ! But since the new vaccine, my brother, my cousins, all younger than me - have never experienced chickenpox. When Lailah got a very small outbreak after her vaccination the doctor who saw her had to get an older doctor because she's never even seen chickenpox before, because she was a semi-new doctor ! Lailah's chickenpox lasted 1/3rd of the time as from when I had them and she only had a couple small rash spots, not her entire body. She was more concerned about not being able to be around her friends than the itchiness of the spots.
Anyways, I'm vaccinating all my children - not only for their own safety but for the safety of all the other children out there and babies who can't yet be vaccinated.
On a different note - Lailah's father is back in town from being in NC with the Marines since last winter. He's not so bad, I don't mind him. He keeps his word and he's an okay father. We'll see how this goes.
Well, that's all for now - done with my recent rants and ramblings. Tata.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Just to catch up.
Hi there again,
Well now.. I've decided that I'm not choosing between my best friend or my boyfriend. They both know what's going on in my mind, body, and spirit. They can make the choice. Other wise, I'm letting life pass by and just living each moment as it comes to the best of my ability. I will do my very best to not hurt either of them.
My little girls 5th birthday is coming up in 4 days ! I can not believe that she is SO big already. I really want another baby but right now seems to not be the time. No matter how bad I can't get it off my mind.
I'm finishing up school for Medical Assisting and I'll be started externship in a few weeks. I'm super excited an really nervous at the same time. I'm so glad to be opening this new chapter of my life though. Lets hope I can stay on track and on top of everything in the future.
Alright so, I'm feeling pretty frustrated. Can someone please remind me what the point of life is again? You live. You die. And the point of life is to make the best with what you go? Meaning? Give to everyone but have no time to take, focus on everyone else but don't focus on yourself, spend all your time helping someone else live luxuriously and not being able to 'live' much at all. That's how I feel right now.
I'm going to be a medical assistant soon making about $15 an hour, which isn't much at all; considering. Not enough to pay off all my bills which include: rent, car insurance, student loans, car loan, cell phone, groceries, home necessities, my daughter, and gas for necessary travel. I'm only 23. Yet I feel like I'm in my 40s with no money and little reason to live.
My only reason to live is my daughter since I've already messed up apparently and brought her into this cruel world - for her to grow up and also hate life and struggle. There's nothing I can do to prevent that. I can teach her to love life, but honestly? WHY?!
We work long hours, putting ourselves aside, to make little money and barely get by, to then die in debt and pass it onto future generations. Where has quality of life gone?
Then they all wonder why there are more mental disorders and whatever else that's going on now. MAYBE because mothers/parents aren't able to stay home and RAISE their children, they don't have TIME to spend on these little humans to raise them right and care about their futures. They are far too busy working full time and excessive hours while their child is sitting in a small room with 10 other children with one or two adults who are getting paid to 'care' for them, which doesn't include raising or teaching them well. It's a fucked up society to live in. The parents must work all these hours so that they can earn enough income to bring their little one home to a bed after filling their little tummies. It's ridiculous. Work, school, eat, and no play. No spare time. Fuck this bullshit ! That's what's on my mind.
Well now.. I've decided that I'm not choosing between my best friend or my boyfriend. They both know what's going on in my mind, body, and spirit. They can make the choice. Other wise, I'm letting life pass by and just living each moment as it comes to the best of my ability. I will do my very best to not hurt either of them.
My little girls 5th birthday is coming up in 4 days ! I can not believe that she is SO big already. I really want another baby but right now seems to not be the time. No matter how bad I can't get it off my mind.
I'm finishing up school for Medical Assisting and I'll be started externship in a few weeks. I'm super excited an really nervous at the same time. I'm so glad to be opening this new chapter of my life though. Lets hope I can stay on track and on top of everything in the future.
Alright so, I'm feeling pretty frustrated. Can someone please remind me what the point of life is again? You live. You die. And the point of life is to make the best with what you go? Meaning? Give to everyone but have no time to take, focus on everyone else but don't focus on yourself, spend all your time helping someone else live luxuriously and not being able to 'live' much at all. That's how I feel right now.
I'm going to be a medical assistant soon making about $15 an hour, which isn't much at all; considering. Not enough to pay off all my bills which include: rent, car insurance, student loans, car loan, cell phone, groceries, home necessities, my daughter, and gas for necessary travel. I'm only 23. Yet I feel like I'm in my 40s with no money and little reason to live.
My only reason to live is my daughter since I've already messed up apparently and brought her into this cruel world - for her to grow up and also hate life and struggle. There's nothing I can do to prevent that. I can teach her to love life, but honestly? WHY?!
We work long hours, putting ourselves aside, to make little money and barely get by, to then die in debt and pass it onto future generations. Where has quality of life gone?
Then they all wonder why there are more mental disorders and whatever else that's going on now. MAYBE because mothers/parents aren't able to stay home and RAISE their children, they don't have TIME to spend on these little humans to raise them right and care about their futures. They are far too busy working full time and excessive hours while their child is sitting in a small room with 10 other children with one or two adults who are getting paid to 'care' for them, which doesn't include raising or teaching them well. It's a fucked up society to live in. The parents must work all these hours so that they can earn enough income to bring their little one home to a bed after filling their little tummies. It's ridiculous. Work, school, eat, and no play. No spare time. Fuck this bullshit ! That's what's on my mind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)