Last night I had a dream with Bennett in it. He was with me... he was in my moms daycare. We were sitting on a pool deck while the kids were in the pool. He appeared his age - 2, but he really wasn't, he was older. I was playing with him, playing patty cake, singing songs, teaching him things. It was wonderful and I felt like I had never lost him that this was the way things were supposed to be. About an hour before his aparents came to pick him up, the older side of him talked to me. He said, "Why are you so interested in me? Why do you show that I'm so much of an importance to you? Why do you give me all this attention? You're weird. You creep me out. I'm a baby and you're an adult. Only my parents look at me that way. Only my family loves me in such a way. You're practically a stranger." I wanted to shout from my heart, "Because I MADE you ! Because I created you inside of me and the bond that we share is one that can not be broken! Because I gave you life! I am your mother! And I miss you! You were supposed to be here with me!" I wanted to let him know and let it all pour out but I just sat staring at him, my heart sinking away. But I know the truth - 'we' don't share a bond and our bond WAS broken. 'I' share a bond with him, he shares a bond with his Afamily. I am not his 'mother', not anymore and I don't know if I ever will get the chance to be again. I made that choice no matter how much I wish I didn't, no matter the circumstances I was under, no matter what anyone else said to me, I did it. It was me.
I wasn't even afraid of his reaction, even reactions of "You are not my mother, I have a mother and a family, I don't need you!" - That wasn't even my fear. My fear was that his aparents would know I told him and they would close the adoption and I would NEVER see him again, through pictures or anything. That was my fear.
Later on in the dream I talked with my mom about how I couldn't tell him and that they wouldn't and that I was forced to creepily care about a child who has no idea why I care about him in such a close and mothering way. That I feel he would never understand how deeply I care about him or why and that I can't even tell him - for me, the bond hasn't broken.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
very emotional night
Tonight I started wondering if I'm in the denial/anger part of grief. And I honestly feel I may be.
Tonight I feel very sad and I probably feel sad for many many reasons but my brain won't really fill me in. I feel so angry and hurt that I'm sad. I feel so abandoned that I feel sad. I feel so confused and worried that I feel sad. I just feel sad.
I don't like to feel this type of emotion, I don't like to allow it in. If I feel it, what if I get trapped? What if I get stuck here and I can't get out? What if I turn into a bubbling pit of depression and self pity? I can't do it. I can't allow it. If I allow myself to get down and depressed about adoption I will be weak, I have no control at all. I need to be stronger than that, I need to hold on.
The problem with that is is that I don't feel it could be done how I want it to. I am also afraid of closing up and ignoring the emotions to the point where I completely close up and then I won't be able to reunite with Bennett. That reuniting would be too triggered, too difficult - like it would be as if I had seen a ghost. Like someone gone for so long came back to life. Then I have to face the fact I moved forward without them and now here they are.. and my life has continued and maybe it shouldn't have?
I'm just going to ramble... random thoughts, might be cleansing.
I hate adoption. How can I face it? My adoption isn't even 'bad' but I can't even seem to handle it? I feel weak to adoption and that makes me hate it even more. I am weak because I can't get out. I could ignore it, sure - but where would that leave me? Not well off I would assume.
I want to keep pretending that he is their son and that I'm just a person on the outside sometimes taking a glimpse in.... but then that makes me feel like some type of strange creeper.
He is my baby though.... but he isn't, he is theirs. I love him though.... but they love him too. How could I have loved him so much to have left him there with strangers? How could I possibly have believed that was what was 'best' for him?!
I miss my bud and I miss my best friend. I want bud so bad right now so that I can hear these thoughts more objectively and not so personally. So I can hear them and work through them without having to feel all of this emotional pain and hurt. I want my best friend back and I literally feel like I am grieving over him. I miss him so much it hurts. How could he leave me? I mean... I left him but I've told him many times before that I will always be back, I told him to never believe me if I say I am going. I just need space. He's like... gone though. He doesn't care about me anymore. I mean nothing to him. I am easy to forget about and easy to move forward from. I just must not really matter that much at all.
Maybe I'm being forced to feel this due to Karma. Karma is making me feel what Bennett would feel. Maybe that's what all this about, I'm being punished.
I am so fucking emotional tonight and I don't even know the trigger.
Everything is just making me feel like I am weak and vulnerable.
Tonight I feel very sad and I probably feel sad for many many reasons but my brain won't really fill me in. I feel so angry and hurt that I'm sad. I feel so abandoned that I feel sad. I feel so confused and worried that I feel sad. I just feel sad.
I don't like to feel this type of emotion, I don't like to allow it in. If I feel it, what if I get trapped? What if I get stuck here and I can't get out? What if I turn into a bubbling pit of depression and self pity? I can't do it. I can't allow it. If I allow myself to get down and depressed about adoption I will be weak, I have no control at all. I need to be stronger than that, I need to hold on.
The problem with that is is that I don't feel it could be done how I want it to. I am also afraid of closing up and ignoring the emotions to the point where I completely close up and then I won't be able to reunite with Bennett. That reuniting would be too triggered, too difficult - like it would be as if I had seen a ghost. Like someone gone for so long came back to life. Then I have to face the fact I moved forward without them and now here they are.. and my life has continued and maybe it shouldn't have?
I'm just going to ramble... random thoughts, might be cleansing.
I hate adoption. How can I face it? My adoption isn't even 'bad' but I can't even seem to handle it? I feel weak to adoption and that makes me hate it even more. I am weak because I can't get out. I could ignore it, sure - but where would that leave me? Not well off I would assume.
I want to keep pretending that he is their son and that I'm just a person on the outside sometimes taking a glimpse in.... but then that makes me feel like some type of strange creeper.
He is my baby though.... but he isn't, he is theirs. I love him though.... but they love him too. How could I have loved him so much to have left him there with strangers? How could I possibly have believed that was what was 'best' for him?!
I miss my bud and I miss my best friend. I want bud so bad right now so that I can hear these thoughts more objectively and not so personally. So I can hear them and work through them without having to feel all of this emotional pain and hurt. I want my best friend back and I literally feel like I am grieving over him. I miss him so much it hurts. How could he leave me? I mean... I left him but I've told him many times before that I will always be back, I told him to never believe me if I say I am going. I just need space. He's like... gone though. He doesn't care about me anymore. I mean nothing to him. I am easy to forget about and easy to move forward from. I just must not really matter that much at all.
Maybe I'm being forced to feel this due to Karma. Karma is making me feel what Bennett would feel. Maybe that's what all this about, I'm being punished.
I am so fucking emotional tonight and I don't even know the trigger.
Everything is just making me feel like I am weak and vulnerable.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
What does that even mean?
Today I am not feeling well emotionally when I think of adoption.
I know - well, don't think of adoption.
But it's really not that easy... I feel adoption is a HUGE piece of who I am.
Adoption has become me.
I don't even think I could have avoided it.
How can someone see all the negative and bad in adoption and be happy about it and feel good about it?
How do others not see how wrong it all is? How do they not see that it's not about finding homes for children who need it - it's about finding womb-fresh babies for infertile couples who have money to give greedy agencies.
It really irks me the long term emotional effects and self esteem effects it has on women who have placed. They say things like, "It's the hardest thing to do - to give your child the best chances at life that they deserve."
What does that even mean?! Does that mean that your child didn't deserve their mother? Does it mean that struggling expectant mothers don't deserve their child? Does it mean that mothers who get state help or can't provide as much wealth to their child deprive them at chances in life? Does it mean that mothers who choose to parent their childs' child won't grow/ can't grow up to be successful? What exactly does mean? Can anyone explain this to me?
Does it mean that since I am not currently working and that I have a 5 year old to care for that I do not deserve this child I am creating inside of me and that a wealthy child deserves my child more? Does it mean that my child will be unhappy with me if I choose to parent?
It's all so strange though because my daughter is happy and healthy. She is content with the things she has and she always wants to help others who have less than she does, and we aren't even rich!
And you know what else is strange? I haven't received one picture or one video of Bennett that shows that he is provided with more than I've provided Lailah with or that he is better taken care of than I have taken care of Lailah. He is living a different life, certainly. But a better one? I don't think so.
I know - well, don't think of adoption.
But it's really not that easy... I feel adoption is a HUGE piece of who I am.
Adoption has become me.
I don't even think I could have avoided it.
How can someone see all the negative and bad in adoption and be happy about it and feel good about it?
How do others not see how wrong it all is? How do they not see that it's not about finding homes for children who need it - it's about finding womb-fresh babies for infertile couples who have money to give greedy agencies.
It really irks me the long term emotional effects and self esteem effects it has on women who have placed. They say things like, "It's the hardest thing to do - to give your child the best chances at life that they deserve."
What does that even mean?! Does that mean that your child didn't deserve their mother? Does it mean that struggling expectant mothers don't deserve their child? Does it mean that mothers who get state help or can't provide as much wealth to their child deprive them at chances in life? Does it mean that mothers who choose to parent their childs' child won't grow/ can't grow up to be successful? What exactly does mean? Can anyone explain this to me?
Does it mean that since I am not currently working and that I have a 5 year old to care for that I do not deserve this child I am creating inside of me and that a wealthy child deserves my child more? Does it mean that my child will be unhappy with me if I choose to parent?
It's all so strange though because my daughter is happy and healthy. She is content with the things she has and she always wants to help others who have less than she does, and we aren't even rich!
And you know what else is strange? I haven't received one picture or one video of Bennett that shows that he is provided with more than I've provided Lailah with or that he is better taken care of than I have taken care of Lailah. He is living a different life, certainly. But a better one? I don't think so.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Things Lailah says and does.:p 2012-2013 some 2010
Lailah's so persuasive
"Am I sleeping in your bed tonight or my bed tonight because YOU usually like it when I sleep in YOUR bed."
me: Be careful cuz if you spill my nailpolish I will be mad.
Lai: YOUR nailpolish *laughs
me: Yes... MY nail polish. I paid for it, did you pay for any of it?
lai: No. I don't have any money and I can't get a job because I'm just a kid !
Me : you are driving me nuts !
lai: Nuts?
Me: Yes ! Nuts !
lai: Nuts? Why yes I am......
Brian: Where did you get this Rachael? *patting Lailah on the head*
Lailah: From the petstore.
Haha, my kid.
Lailah: *wearing my stethoscope* How do you been?
Me: I don't been well.
Lailah: Good ! Does that mean you're good?
LOL
Lai: mom where we going after this? Ride around in circles?!
Me: yeah, with you on the roof.
Lai: *laughs - you don't even have tape to do that!
Lol
Today Lailah went to do a car wash for a foundation she's in called "follow your dreams". I was asking her how it went and she told me she washed three cars.
She then said, "And mommy we really were following our dreams!"
I said, "oh yeah? What's your dream?"
She replied "I was helping people! "
Awh I love her!
Earlier we played Skip-Bo with Lailah - with her it takes forever. So she was just whining that she wants to play again. I told her we will play again tomorrow.
So she kept whining, "I want to play again NOW."
So I sung, "You can't always get what you want."
So she sung back, "You can't either because you don't have enough moneeyyyyyyy !!"
-.-
Justin just got home from work and Lailah knows he goes to the bathroom as soon as he gets home so she ran and stood in front of the door.
Lai: Five bucks!
Justin: What? Five bucks?
Lai: In REAL MONEY !
Justin: What?! Do you take credit?
Lai: Nope! Only REAL money !
Justin: I'll give you real money, in tickle money ! *Starts tickling her*
Lai: Now you owe FOUR, SEVENTY BUCKS!
Me: Hun, you shouldn't have tickled her, she's upping the price!
Lai: Okay, I'll go to SEVENTY BUCKS, That's it !
Justin: Jeeze this kid should be a tax collector! LOL
So, I just want to tell everyone how blessed I am to have such a perfect little girl.
The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.
So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me.
She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice.
I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.
She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt.
We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.
When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.
I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.
She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !"
And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.
How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!
I was just finished reading Lailah her bedtime story when she started whining about having to go to bed. So I said, 'My name is Lailah and I giggle giggle, laugh laugh, and then whineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Do you want some cheese to go with that whine !!??!' All while tickling her.
So she goes, are you saying wine like - the drink?
I said, surprised that she got the whine/wine difference in how it was said, 'Yeah, because that's what you're doing, whinnningggggg.'
And so she comes back with, 'You go to the bar to do that !!'
Me : Lai can you go get me a plastic bag?
Lai: of course Me: you know where they are right?
Lai: I live in this house! How would you expect me to not even know where they are?!
So leaving my moms house Lailah was mad at me for having to leave, even though we been there since noon. So she storms off and I was right behind her and she opens the gate - walks through it, then shuts it on me with a grin on her face thinking her attitude is cute.
She then gets in the car huffing and puffing and slams the door.
So when I got in the car I say simply, 'Bed'. She starts wailing, "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want to go to bed!" x10 Then switching it to, "I don't want to go to beddd!" x10
Then I told her she could whine all she wanted but that her consequence wasn't going to change.
So she then changed it to, "But I don't want to go to bed though!!" x10 times. By then we got home and went into the house.
She went over, threw herself onto her bed without me mentioning it, and passed out in under 5 minutes.
To Justin about the baby:
"If it's a girl - I will change it. But if it's a boy - don't plan on me changing it!"
LOL ! She actually said this. "don't plan on it"
LOL Lailah - "I need to learn my letters quick. Because soon BOOM, I'm going to be going to school!"
I have the sweetest, most thoughtful little girl, ever. So, Lailah and I were having a conversation about life and stuff, what she likes to do most out of the things that we do, what else she would like, or things she really doesn't care for much and could change or get rid of.
Then she said, "What I would really like is for us to get our own home so that we aren't all squished together and you'd have more room to put your things and me to put my toys."
So I thoughts about it feeling guilty and kind of sad and responded, "Mommy's working towards that but it costs a lot of money to do that right now. Mommy works but she doesn't make that much money right now. She's finishing school to make more money."
So she responded, "Well, then what if you just brought me to the park and that's it? You don't have to take me to a whole bunch of other places.. just the park and that's it. Then that way, you could save some money and we could get that house?"
Willing to sacrifice all the things that we do that requires money. Even though she really enjoys them. If we could all just remember what it's like to be a child again.
Lailah was sleeping in the car when all of a sudden in her sleep she said, "I'm behind the phone." I asked Justin what she said and he repeated it.
Then she woke up and I asked her if she knew what she said.. she said
"I was behind the phone.. taking pictures."
I asked her, "where?"
She replied, "In my sleep." LOL !!!!
Lai : Why are you watching this again?
Me : Cuz I miss Bennett.
Lai : I want to watch it too with you ! *watching and we see the first ultrasound pic of Bennett*
Lai : Pause it !!! *I pause the video on the ultrasound photo*
Lai : Now tell me.. where is his head and everything?
Me : Well, this is his head and his belly, then his little hands, he doesn't really have feet yet or much developed at this point..
Lai : WHAT !!! That means you have to ALWAYS hold him, if he doesn't have feets !
Me : Well, he was in my belly still, he was only this big *uses fingers to show a couple inches*.
Lai : WHAT? Well, where did his feet come from?
Me : I made them... in my belly, I helped them grow, inside of me.
Lai : WHAT?!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF YOU!!
Me : yeah, I do... where do you think you came from? Daddy and I made you a long time ago and I let you grow in my belly.
Lai : NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT ! You can NOT make babies inside of your belly ! Nobody does that.....
Way back:
Brian- I'm your uncle. Lailah - No you're not. Brian - yeah I am, I'm your mommy's brother so that makes me your uncle. Lailah - No ! Brian - Yeah-huh, ask mommy. Lailah - Mommy, Brian says he's my uncle ! Me - He is your uncle, Uncle Brian. Brian - See Lailah. Lailah - No ! No ! ... hahaha Brian Mommy said you're uncleee ! You're unclee.
I have the most adorable daughter, I could ever possibly have. She just gathered her friends up and said, "make a circle!!!" and she held their hands and basically did a ring a round the rosy, but she said "circle circle, we all fall down !" and they call fell down ! hahahha. awhh
"Am I sleeping in your bed tonight or my bed tonight because YOU usually like it when I sleep in YOUR bed."
me: Be careful cuz if you spill my nailpolish I will be mad.
Lai: YOUR nailpolish *laughs
me: Yes... MY nail polish. I paid for it, did you pay for any of it?
lai: No. I don't have any money and I can't get a job because I'm just a kid !
Me : you are driving me nuts !
lai: Nuts?
Me: Yes ! Nuts !
lai: Nuts? Why yes I am......
Brian: Where did you get this Rachael? *patting Lailah on the head*
Lailah: From the petstore.
Haha, my kid.
Lailah: *wearing my stethoscope* How do you been?
Me: I don't been well.
Lailah: Good ! Does that mean you're good?
LOL
Lai: mom where we going after this? Ride around in circles?!
Me: yeah, with you on the roof.
Lai: *laughs - you don't even have tape to do that!
Lol
Today Lailah went to do a car wash for a foundation she's in called "follow your dreams". I was asking her how it went and she told me she washed three cars.
She then said, "And mommy we really were following our dreams!"
I said, "oh yeah? What's your dream?"
She replied "I was helping people! "
Awh I love her!
Earlier we played Skip-Bo with Lailah - with her it takes forever. So she was just whining that she wants to play again. I told her we will play again tomorrow.
So she kept whining, "I want to play again NOW."
So I sung, "You can't always get what you want."
So she sung back, "You can't either because you don't have enough moneeyyyyyyy !!"
-.-
Justin just got home from work and Lailah knows he goes to the bathroom as soon as he gets home so she ran and stood in front of the door.
Lai: Five bucks!
Justin: What? Five bucks?
Lai: In REAL MONEY !
Justin: What?! Do you take credit?
Lai: Nope! Only REAL money !
Justin: I'll give you real money, in tickle money ! *Starts tickling her*
Lai: Now you owe FOUR, SEVENTY BUCKS!
Me: Hun, you shouldn't have tickled her, she's upping the price!
Lai: Okay, I'll go to SEVENTY BUCKS, That's it !
Justin: Jeeze this kid should be a tax collector! LOL
So, I just want to tell everyone how blessed I am to have such a perfect little girl.
The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.
So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me.
She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice.
I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.
She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt.
We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.
When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.
I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.
She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !"
And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.
How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!
I was just finished reading Lailah her bedtime story when she started whining about having to go to bed. So I said, 'My name is Lailah and I giggle giggle, laugh laugh, and then whineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Do you want some cheese to go with that whine !!??!' All while tickling her.
So she goes, are you saying wine like - the drink?
I said, surprised that she got the whine/wine difference in how it was said, 'Yeah, because that's what you're doing, whinnningggggg.'
And so she comes back with, 'You go to the bar to do that !!'
Me : Lai can you go get me a plastic bag?
Lai: of course Me: you know where they are right?
Lai: I live in this house! How would you expect me to not even know where they are?!
So leaving my moms house Lailah was mad at me for having to leave, even though we been there since noon. So she storms off and I was right behind her and she opens the gate - walks through it, then shuts it on me with a grin on her face thinking her attitude is cute.
She then gets in the car huffing and puffing and slams the door.
So when I got in the car I say simply, 'Bed'. She starts wailing, "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want to go to bed!" x10 Then switching it to, "I don't want to go to beddd!" x10
Then I told her she could whine all she wanted but that her consequence wasn't going to change.
So she then changed it to, "But I don't want to go to bed though!!" x10 times. By then we got home and went into the house.
She went over, threw herself onto her bed without me mentioning it, and passed out in under 5 minutes.
To Justin about the baby:
"If it's a girl - I will change it. But if it's a boy - don't plan on me changing it!"
LOL ! She actually said this. "don't plan on it"
LOL Lailah - "I need to learn my letters quick. Because soon BOOM, I'm going to be going to school!"
I have the sweetest, most thoughtful little girl, ever. So, Lailah and I were having a conversation about life and stuff, what she likes to do most out of the things that we do, what else she would like, or things she really doesn't care for much and could change or get rid of.
Then she said, "What I would really like is for us to get our own home so that we aren't all squished together and you'd have more room to put your things and me to put my toys."
So I thoughts about it feeling guilty and kind of sad and responded, "Mommy's working towards that but it costs a lot of money to do that right now. Mommy works but she doesn't make that much money right now. She's finishing school to make more money."
So she responded, "Well, then what if you just brought me to the park and that's it? You don't have to take me to a whole bunch of other places.. just the park and that's it. Then that way, you could save some money and we could get that house?"
Willing to sacrifice all the things that we do that requires money. Even though she really enjoys them. If we could all just remember what it's like to be a child again.
Lailah was sleeping in the car when all of a sudden in her sleep she said, "I'm behind the phone." I asked Justin what she said and he repeated it.
Then she woke up and I asked her if she knew what she said.. she said
"I was behind the phone.. taking pictures."
I asked her, "where?"
She replied, "In my sleep." LOL !!!!
Lai : Why are you watching this again?
Me : Cuz I miss Bennett.
Lai : I want to watch it too with you ! *watching and we see the first ultrasound pic of Bennett*
Lai : Pause it !!! *I pause the video on the ultrasound photo*
Lai : Now tell me.. where is his head and everything?
Me : Well, this is his head and his belly, then his little hands, he doesn't really have feet yet or much developed at this point..
Lai : WHAT !!! That means you have to ALWAYS hold him, if he doesn't have feets !
Me : Well, he was in my belly still, he was only this big *uses fingers to show a couple inches*.
Lai : WHAT? Well, where did his feet come from?
Me : I made them... in my belly, I helped them grow, inside of me.
Lai : WHAT?!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF YOU!!
Me : yeah, I do... where do you think you came from? Daddy and I made you a long time ago and I let you grow in my belly.
Lai : NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT ! You can NOT make babies inside of your belly ! Nobody does that.....
Way back:
Brian- I'm your uncle. Lailah - No you're not. Brian - yeah I am, I'm your mommy's brother so that makes me your uncle. Lailah - No ! Brian - Yeah-huh, ask mommy. Lailah - Mommy, Brian says he's my uncle ! Me - He is your uncle, Uncle Brian. Brian - See Lailah. Lailah - No ! No ! ... hahaha Brian Mommy said you're uncleee ! You're unclee.
I have the most adorable daughter, I could ever possibly have. She just gathered her friends up and said, "make a circle!!!" and she held their hands and basically did a ring a round the rosy, but she said "circle circle, we all fall down !" and they call fell down ! hahahha. awhh
Sweetest little girl.
Today Lailah went to a car wash for a foundation she is in called, "Follow your dreams". It's to help children with anything they need to get somewhere in life. School clothes or supplies, sports, extra curricular activities, etc.
Later today when I asked her how it went she told me it went well and that she washed 3 cars. She then told me, "And mommy we really are following our dreams!"
I said, "Oh yeah? What is your dream?"
She responded, "I was helping people! :D" - all really happy. :)
I have the sweetest little girl!
Then later today I came across a "ear piercing" controversy. Some people feel it's child abuse to pierce a baby's ears. They attack other parents for making the choice to pierce their child's ears. Well, I asked Lailah what she felt and this was her response:
We didn't do much else today. I went to breakfast with Justin and brought him to work and then Lailah and I took a nap. We just ordered some pizza because that's what she wanted for dinner. <3
We were going to go to my moms house but she hasn't been answering her phone.
Later today when I asked her how it went she told me it went well and that she washed 3 cars. She then told me, "And mommy we really are following our dreams!"
I said, "Oh yeah? What is your dream?"
She responded, "I was helping people! :D" - all really happy. :)
I have the sweetest little girl!
Then later today I came across a "ear piercing" controversy. Some people feel it's child abuse to pierce a baby's ears. They attack other parents for making the choice to pierce their child's ears. Well, I asked Lailah what she felt and this was her response:
We didn't do much else today. I went to breakfast with Justin and brought him to work and then Lailah and I took a nap. We just ordered some pizza because that's what she wanted for dinner. <3
We were going to go to my moms house but she hasn't been answering her phone.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Happiness and surviving - birthmom side of triad.
Today wasn't so great. I was depressed and agitated most of the day. I kept trying to ignore it but it was becoming difficult by the end of the day. Especially when Taco Bell messed up my order then after driving back there they argued with me about it for 5 minutes before admitting they were wrong and fucked up. Then I realized I forgot my laptop at my moms and had to go the complete other way to get it, which was totally out of the way. -.- I just feel so stressed out which is making me easily bothered and such. :/
But then I texted Bennett's Amom earlier asking her if she wouldn't mind sending me some pictures. :)
How could it get any more perfect ! See that Elmo he's snuggling !!? I just sent him that. <3 I wrote, 'We love you Bennett, Love Rachael and Lailah' On the feet ! <3
He is a little piece of perfection. A little piece to the puzzle in my life. And although he isn't here with me, he is still a piece to the puzzle that makes up my life. One day I hope to reconnect with him and bond together to become complete again, that is - if he lets me. <3
I want him to know that I will never forget him. I want him to know that I think of him every single day. I want him to know that even though he's far from me he will always be a part of me and in my heart. I want him to know that every single day, I just really want what is best for him. I want him to know that I miss him more than I've ever imagined I could miss someone or something. I want him to know I love him and I can't wait til the day I can hold him in my arms again. <3
Adoption is strange - unnatural some would say. The pain... is something you never 'get over' or 'move on' from. Other who have never experienced may not truly understand this. As a coping mechanism my mind and body have sort of tried 'forgetting'. And although I know it happened, most of the time it doesn't feel real.
So every time I get pictures it feels very surreal.
I look at him and I feel so much joy and happiness at first, I smile and my heart beats really fast and I just get literally - overjoyed by seeing him. That is my initial and probably very natural response. My baby is alive and well !
Next, the longer I stare at the pictures the stranger it becomes because then it's like, Holy shit - I had a baby 2 years ago. How did I have a baby 2 years ago?! Omg I gave birth to this perfect little boy and I know this because he looks just like me. How have I lived without him? Where did these past 2 years go? Have I been 'present' since I've relinquished him or have I fallen asleep? Is this reality?
Then right after - tears brew up in the corners of my eyes and my chest feels heavy. I then know I've hit my limit and that pictures must be tucked away until next time I'm not so 'open' and memories must be shoved to the far corners of my mind. I close back up and I remember - this is how I've gotten by these past 2 years; this is the only way I survive. Without one of my children, simply surviving has got to do.
But then I texted Bennett's Amom earlier asking her if she wouldn't mind sending me some pictures. :)
How could it get any more perfect ! See that Elmo he's snuggling !!? I just sent him that. <3 I wrote, 'We love you Bennett, Love Rachael and Lailah' On the feet ! <3
He is a little piece of perfection. A little piece to the puzzle in my life. And although he isn't here with me, he is still a piece to the puzzle that makes up my life. One day I hope to reconnect with him and bond together to become complete again, that is - if he lets me. <3
I want him to know that I will never forget him. I want him to know that I think of him every single day. I want him to know that even though he's far from me he will always be a part of me and in my heart. I want him to know that every single day, I just really want what is best for him. I want him to know that I miss him more than I've ever imagined I could miss someone or something. I want him to know I love him and I can't wait til the day I can hold him in my arms again. <3
Adoption is strange - unnatural some would say. The pain... is something you never 'get over' or 'move on' from. Other who have never experienced may not truly understand this. As a coping mechanism my mind and body have sort of tried 'forgetting'. And although I know it happened, most of the time it doesn't feel real.
So every time I get pictures it feels very surreal.
I look at him and I feel so much joy and happiness at first, I smile and my heart beats really fast and I just get literally - overjoyed by seeing him. That is my initial and probably very natural response. My baby is alive and well !
Next, the longer I stare at the pictures the stranger it becomes because then it's like, Holy shit - I had a baby 2 years ago. How did I have a baby 2 years ago?! Omg I gave birth to this perfect little boy and I know this because he looks just like me. How have I lived without him? Where did these past 2 years go? Have I been 'present' since I've relinquished him or have I fallen asleep? Is this reality?
Then right after - tears brew up in the corners of my eyes and my chest feels heavy. I then know I've hit my limit and that pictures must be tucked away until next time I'm not so 'open' and memories must be shoved to the far corners of my mind. I close back up and I remember - this is how I've gotten by these past 2 years; this is the only way I survive. Without one of my children, simply surviving has got to do.
The one thing my body can't do.
Today I am feeling emotional and I miss my best friend because I've normally turned to him. Or I want my Justin but he's working until 7:30.
All the same stuff - sinking deeper into depression though. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't give up. I have to keep trying or else I will never get anywhere.
Adoption has been making me sad and I want to just close off from it all sometimes, but then I would feel as if I'm giving up on Bennett and I can't even imagine letting myself do that.
I want to cry, I want to let it all pour out. But I can't. I don't cry and even if I did it would appear that I am crying for no reason. What does crying solve anyways? Nothing. It won't change my position, it won't change anything around me at all.
Times like there I wonder why I'm even human at all. I wonder why I was brought here and why I remain here. I wonder what it would be like to leave here and if there is anything else outside of here, outside of this body we call a human.
Depressed? A little bit. But then again, I am trapped within this weak human body. I mean - I love it and all, it does it's job to keep me alive here on Earth. It has worked well, nothing seriously wrong with me and threatening my well being. Others would tell me that it's silly for me to feel this way and that at least I am alive, healthy, well - etc. But truth is - inside I feel like I am dying a little more everyday. My soul, my spirit - it's being tortured and beat from all the surrounding elements of life.
The one thing my body can't seem to do - protect it.
All the same stuff - sinking deeper into depression though. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't give up. I have to keep trying or else I will never get anywhere.
Adoption has been making me sad and I want to just close off from it all sometimes, but then I would feel as if I'm giving up on Bennett and I can't even imagine letting myself do that.
I want to cry, I want to let it all pour out. But I can't. I don't cry and even if I did it would appear that I am crying for no reason. What does crying solve anyways? Nothing. It won't change my position, it won't change anything around me at all.
Times like there I wonder why I'm even human at all. I wonder why I was brought here and why I remain here. I wonder what it would be like to leave here and if there is anything else outside of here, outside of this body we call a human.
Depressed? A little bit. But then again, I am trapped within this weak human body. I mean - I love it and all, it does it's job to keep me alive here on Earth. It has worked well, nothing seriously wrong with me and threatening my well being. Others would tell me that it's silly for me to feel this way and that at least I am alive, healthy, well - etc. But truth is - inside I feel like I am dying a little more everyday. My soul, my spirit - it's being tortured and beat from all the surrounding elements of life.
The one thing my body can't seem to do - protect it.
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