Feeling sentences - adoption related.

I don't know exactly where to start but I'm going to just pick up whatever comes first to my mind.
Probably a lot of negative emotions tonight.

I feel sad because I don't have my son with me.
I feel angry because I feel everyone lied to me about what adoption is.
I feel disappointed that the others who pushed me towards adoption didn't know much about it themselves.
I feel mad that I was lied to by Bennett's Amom.
I feel betrayed because she lied to me.
I feel sad because sometimes I miss my own mom even though I have her in my life.
I feel sad because I miss my child.
I feel frustrated that Justin seems to have 'shut' his head off.
I feel annoyed at myself for how I've been short sometimes with Lailah.
I feel scared to be having this baby.
I feel scared that Bennett won't want to know me.
I feel petrified that a reunion would be triggering and too difficult.
I feel petrified that I might closeup and not be able to handle reuniting.
I feel guilty because I felt that I would lose everything and in turn he would have nothing and he deserved better than me.
I feel guilty that I let everyone get in my head and let them convince me I couldn't keep my baby.
I feel afraid that Bennett will hate me and never forgive me.
I feel sad that he doesn't know how much I love him.
I feel sad that I can't kiss him everyday.
I feel sad that Lailah and him won't grow up knowing each other.
I feel scared that even though I'm told he's cared for and happy that I truly have no idea.
I feel sad that my mom is like an adoption agency for dogs - gets them knocked up then sells their babies for profit.
Blah - I guess I wandered off and away from here, unable to do anymore feelings for tonight.
Shower and bed for me.

Some annoyance, some excitement, some frustration - all rolled into a bunch.

Hm, haven't posted in a few days... what's new.
Well.. Lailah got head lice and I've still got to recheck her head tomorrow morning for the 3rd time. I also slept last night with my hair saturated in oil and vinegar... yuck. But it seems to have helped my hair be softer.. She apparently got it from my moms daycare.

Today we got to see baby ! Little Penguin was opening and closing his/her mouth the whole time with his/her hands up above his/her face !So cute. It was great ! <3 Little penguin was kicking around real well and looked healthy as could be. :D That makes me so happy and relieved ! Still team green ! No idea what baby is. :) Everyone has their own ideas. My moms husband's mother says boy. A few friends - Cassidy and Cecily say girl. Lailah says girl. Justin says boy.

Mouth open                                                    Mouth closed

LOL

My mom is going to teach me how to crochet ! Then I want to learn how to make things. I also want to learn how to sew eventually. :)
So far I've got the baby a carseat, a back/forth glider, some gender neutral outfits, some burp cloths, a couple knitted hats, and a highchair.
Next on my list is the co-sleeper, baby carrier - I'm thinking Maya wrap Ring Sling and an Infantino Mei Tai wrap, then start my collection of cloth diapers!


I went to play cards tonight and got 4th place - not bad. Got lucky a few times. While there there was this woman who I've known from there previously. I had her on facebook at one point... until she messaged me saying, "I gather you're keeping this one." About my pregnancy - you know, instead of a simple- "congratulations." I sort of went off on her. Then she had the audacity to tell me she knew how I felt since she has had an abortion. HA. Not even close to the same ! How dare she ! I ended up blocking her.
What am I? A goddamned baby factory for infertiles? Place once and now it's my fucking job?! How DARE I want to keep and parent MY OWN child, right?! And for the record - YES I wanted to keep Bennett. But adoption was a pushed topic during my pregnancy and everything I was told about it and led to believe about it was a LIE ! I just wanted what was BEST for my son , even if it meant not being what was best for ME. And that's still what this is about. I just want him to not feel angry at me or resentment because that would mean he feels pain. I want him to not feel empty or 'lost' or abandoned. Because that would mean he feels pain. And that's the last thing I want for him. I just want him to feel love, put very simply.
 I placed to PROTECT him and adoption is what I was told would safely do just that, they lied.

Healing

Today I had my monthly check up. I've gained 6 lbs in the past month - doctor said it was a bit much but that it's good for me.. I've gained 15 lbs since finding out. Baby's heartbeat was in 140's as it's been for a while now. Everything else looks good. She checked me for dilation due to the braxton hicks but that looks good too. I have an U/s scheduled for Friday to check the measurements of my cervix. Hoping to get a picture!

Now... I feel what's coming next is very important for me AND Justin before baby comes...

I found an adoption healing group the other day and decided to post. I was then invited to join a healing chatroom that takes place at night. The owner of the groups name is Joe and he seems to have dedicated his life to adoption healing. He is an adoptee and he has also worked with natural mothers. He has written books on adoption healing for the adoptee and natural mothers who have loss from adoption. He is also a psychotherapist. So today I entered. A lot of the time I switched back and forth between 3 emotions - Anger, Sadness, and Numb.
Maybe numb isn't an emotion, is it?
I felt anger at adoption. I felt anger at feeling loss of control.
I felt sadness for everyone involved. I felt sadness for the relationships broken. I felt sad for the hurting of others. I felt sad for my own loss. I felt sad for my son. I felt sad that I felt I had no choices.
I felt numb because I felt like I was every adoptees mother. I felt numb because feeling would have tortured me. I felt numb because Bennett is one of them.
I felt like I was and am at fault - even though I'm told it's not my fault.


I wrote this in chat about emotions:
 I see it as building a wall... the emotions are just a river that you could handle a little at a time even though it feels overwhelming and frightening because rivers are big... but the taller you build the wall to prevent against the river water coming in... the more the water builds up until it becomes an ocean you're attempting to prevent against drowning in... if you let the wall down a little at a time you can work on handling the water - each emotion slowly while pacing yourself... but letting the whole wall down feels impossible to do and it's frightening to even imagine working on letting any in in fear the whole thing will break down.

He also invited me to an Adoption BBQ on the 31st of this month - the location is 3 hours away. I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it or someone that may possibly be able to watch Lailah and have Justin take it off work and go up there. It could be helpful, who knows.

Adoption loss

Today I got caught up in the adoption world and found myself feeling trapped there. I chatted with quite a few adoptees and got their points of views Not that I really enjoyed it.. but maybe it was necessary. It wasn't too bad... just made me hurt inside over my loss of Bennett. I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could hear his laugh everyday, I wish I could kiss away his tears, I wish I could teach him more words to say, I wish I could teach him how to do the jungle gyms at the parks and how to do front rolls and cartwheels. I wish I knew he was safe and protected just by seeing it for myself. But I can't. I can't do any of that.
Adoptees seem to feel like just because a woman gave birth and lost her child to adoption that she has an obligation to that child for the rest of her life - no matter the emotions or feelings it gives her. No matter if it eats away at her and makes her become or feel suicidal. She has that obligation to her child no matter what, not the aparents, the natural parents - especially the mother.
That really got to me and it hurt... why? Because I did what was best for my son or what I felt and was told was best for him... and now I have to constantly stay broken inside, injured, hurt - I can't heal this wound because healing would mean 'closing' and closing could create ignoring and forgetting... which I can't do. I have to remember and I have to be here for him for if he ever decides to reunite. I guess its not too much different than how I feel about Lailah but the big thing is is that, she is here with me - he is not. And I know, I know - it wasn't his choices. But he has his aparents and Lailah only has ME.
Imagine if you cut your skin open and deep. You must get stitches to heal. for weeks, months - the pain is still raw and fresh. Nothing you can do will shield you from the pain of the wound healing. But then eventually it heals and you start forgetting. You start living normally and you can pretend it never happened. Every day goes by and you don't waste a thought on the wound you acquired months/years ago. You've healed.
I fear that if I heal that this is what will happen - I will start living normally and pretend that it never happened. That I won't have any more thoughts about it or him. It scares me to death - I don't want to become one of those moms, so I feel that I can't heal. That I must continue this pain - for him.

I get thoughts like:
What if he feels abandoned? What if he feels sad? What if he feels left out? What if he feels lost? What if he feels as if he doesn't belong where he is? What if he feels like he doesn't know who he is? What if things happen to him in his life that I could have prevented otherwise?
It will be all my fault.

Alone.

Not too much going on over here. Just relaxing, helping mom with her daycare, and caring for Lailah. The usual. Justin had yesterday and today off work so that made me very happy.<3 I loved being able to spend more time with him. Plus he spoils me :p He's walking to the ice cream shop down the street to get me and baby a milkshake! He's bringing Lai too since she loves going on little adventures. :)

Something else playing in my mind... I sent this to Tom a couple weeks ago:
I don't know if you're ignoring my texts or if your phone is off. But I want to apologize for freaking out and distancing from you. I wish I could explain so that you could understand what has been going on for me but I can't. And I wish I could know what it's all been like for you, but I guess I can't do that either. I am sorry for everything I've put you through and the pain I've caused you. I know that you hate feeling as if someone holds expectations towards you and I got into the habit of doing that and I'm sorry I made you feel hurt and/or uncomfortable. Bringing you pain was never my intention, you were always my best friend and meant the world to me. I never wanted anything but for you to always be in my life and for us to have each other through this journey of lifelong experiences. I have been missing you, I wouldn't be human if I didn't. You were in my life almost every day for 4 years and I grew attached to you. If we can somehow talk about things I am more receptive to it now that my initial hurt isn't overflowing. But overall, I'd just like to know you're okay.
Then I sent this poem: I wish you’d just tell me
by teradanielle
If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was 
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?  
Would you think less of me then?
All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you

He saw it last Weds but completely ignored my attempts. When I first noticed he seen it I was on my way to physical therapy and wanted to break down crying, but I didn't. I wanted to drown in the pain I was feeling but I felt I couldn't. I felt so sad and abandoned. I know that he probably felt abandoned by me but I told him that I would always come back, Always. He told me he would always be there, Always. He lied, I held up my side of the deal. I was truthful, he was not. And because of that - I am hurt. I am angry too but mostly hurt. I feel that the past 4 years have been a lie. I don't know what his motive was but I just feel lied to and hurt like I never meant anything to him, that our friendship was nothing. I wish I could just know but he won't talk to me. I feel like my whole life everyone has left me. And that the only people who have stayed and are still here are people who have always been deemed unhealthy for me. How are they so unhealthy if they're the only people still standing around me when I feel so alone? I fear the day Justin will leave me, that he will realize that I'm worthless and pathetic and that he can have and deserves so much more than me and what I could offer him as a person. I fear that one day he'll wake up just as Scott did and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and that I mean nothing. I fear that one day I'll get upset and push him away as I do with my stupid defense mechanism, when I need him the most - and he'll walk away and won't even care to look back. I fear the day I am alone. Alone, with nobody around me but the voices in my head. Alone, with nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, filled with people who have a life that involves other people. Alone. On my own. People may remind me I have Lailah and this new baby and that maybe they will be there or maybe they will visit. But I am hoping that if I do a good enough job as their mother that they will embark into life on a journey to be the best people they can be. College, Peace Corps, getting the hell out of this small state, - whatever. That they will create families of their own and make something of themselves. That they won't be held down by pains of their pasts and they'll be free - free to take flight and leave the nest, which is home with me. I can't hold them back because of my selfishness or my own self-pity. I need them to be free and to be happy, even if that's not with me. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death and I want them in my life - but I also want them to be happy and free within their own lives and able to make their own choices.

Zoo and face painting

Yesterday was a good day. :) I was at my moms during the day but she was there too so it wasn't too stressful and then I brought Lailah to a doctors apt then we went to the zoo !

Lailah hated her apt. She had to have blood drawn and she screamed, 'I'm scared, it's going to hurt!' for like 10 mins, not even letting me bring her in. But eventually she did and she hated it, my poor little girl.

But later last night we met up with a girl I met in HS and her children at the zoo for the Breastfeeding awareness special occasion thingy. It was nice. :) Lailah and her oldest daughter had their faces painted. Lailah got a tiger and her daughter got a puppy. :) It was cute!

Lovely waiting room chat, no?

Today I went to the triage to receive my progesterone injection to prevent preterm labor. While in the waiting room a woman sat down next to me and started asking me questions about my pregnancy and my other children. I ended up telling her that I had placed my son at birth with a family (Which I rarely do but I can't handle people thinking I raise him when I don't). She then proceeded to passively attack me. She was saying, "How can you keep some kids but get rid of him." "He's going to grow up and hate you." "Don't you get depressed and want to commit suicide?" "What drove you to contact the agency? You should have never called." "You should have gone to a homeless shelter - you don't know that they exist everywhere?!" "This is going to mess your head up over the years and you'll feel a lot of guilt." "I had a friend who had a child she gave up, she eventually committed suicide." "A 'real mother' would do anything she needs to to keep her kids with her." "Don't you hate yourself? I would hate myself if I were you." "I hope you have a boy so that you can experience what you've been missing out on raising your son." "I hope you have a boy so that your son you got rid of doesn't feel like you didn't want him just because he was the boy." "You kept your firstborn at 18, you should have been able to keep him as well but you didn't try." "You could have told your doctor and your doctor would have helped you." "God is going to judge you." Why thank you, thank you for helping me feel pathetic. Thank you for even trying to understand a little bit that it was never a walk in the park and that it's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through. Thanks for the reminder of all my fears. Thanks for being my entire subconscious over the past 2 years rolled into a single half hour.