The cut of adoption.

Imagine getting a cut.
A deep cut.
Really deep and long.
It hurts bad.
Now if you treat it and it heals,
you won't truly ever forget,
but you can ignore it to the point where it feels as if you've forgotten.
You don't feel the pain anymore,
you can barely notice it now.
But the scar is there,
constantly overlooked.
Right?
But imagine knowing that in 15-20 years,
something will RIP and TEAR that scar wide open.
It will hurt so much more being torn open again after that thick scar tissue was used to heal it up.
This time it will take a lot longer to heal.
Even if it does heal, it'll probably hurt often.
So instead... you keep the wound open and bleeding,
tending to the blood a little at a time, making sure you're clotting right.
Making sure you still have enough blood.
But you can't let it heal.
Right now, you feel pain, but nothing like having it ripped open all over again.
Keeping it open and not letting it heal not only prevents against future pain though.
This way - you can't forget.
It will always be there.
You will never overlook it.
You will never take advantage of what you once had again.
You will have a constant reminder right there on you of who you now are,
who you've become, and who you will always be.
You have right there on you -
the fight you hold inside you and the motivation to protect others from the same fate.
Everyday, it hurts and it brings you pain.
Every time you look at it, it makes it worse.
But you're alive.
So you just keep tending to it a little at a time, and not allowing it to heal shut.

Ramblings in the middle of the night. Trapped.

I feel trapped with no way out.
Adoption is a lifelong sentence with no escape route.
It's like I have a responsibility now, to speak out and prevent others from joining this fate,
to prevent babies from being taken from everything they know.
It's like I have no other life outside of adoption.
I live everyday the pain of adoption. I live with my grief. I live with my healing.
I heal with my internal confusion and I could shut it off but shutting it off wouldn't heal me.
It would make things worse in 10-20 years.
The pain and grief would come back with a vengeance
like it has for all those natural mothers living in denial and a facade of sunshine and rainbows.
Suffering, thats what adoption is.
And we do it for one reason, in hopes that we can reconnect with our child.
If they come back to us.
Because from others experience, if i ignore the pain, ignore what's happened,
go on with life - and in 15 years Bennett comes to find me.
Or his parents contact me, whatever.
I will crash and I will burn, I won't want to see him because it'll hurt. It'll be like losing him all over again.
It's tempting to take that route, but not at that price.
I don't suffer 24-7 but its always there.
The fact I don't have my son. That I created a human being and hes not with me like he should be.
Can you imagine what thats like for a mother?
People get attached to their pets for gods sake. This is my child.
He's my blood. I made him for almost a year.
Every breath I took I transferred to him.
I was careful what I ate. I altered my diet. I stopped smoking bud completely. I ate healthy.
I didn't have even a sip of alcohol.
I went through the worst physical pain of my life to bring him into this world.
Then by losing him I endured the worst emotional pain of my life.
My head is all sorts of fucked up.
Granted mentally I feel better than I have in a long long time,
but I also think the pregnancy hormones are helping me there.
It's so weird because even though I feel mentally/emotionally well I've felt ....
completely insane sometimes.
The anxiety attacks feel like I'm dying.
Like an intense fear that something bad is happening, or that something will happen to me.
I get feelings where I don't feel present, as in - human.
I get feelings where I am PETRIFIED of myself.
I am extremely afraid that I will go unconscious
- do something wrong, then wake up and be forced to deal w the consequences.
I have been super afraid of the dark all over again.
I am AFRAID of my thoughts whenever I start thinking and they're not 100% under my control.
I feel like I am being possessed or that I'm hearing voices.
I get afraid that something is happening to me.
Something I can't control yet.
Even though I have all of this - I don't feel angry anymore.
I feel sad often but not depressed. No more suicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt myself.
I feel like a really great parent to Lailah. I feel happy in my relationship with Justin.
I feel oddly calm even though I'm struggling and about to have another baby,
who btw is kicking away inside of me like I'm a punching bag atm.
But also I've been putting off asking for pics of Bennett.
I want to ask for a Facetime visit but I've been putting that off as well.
It scares me to see him. I don't know why.
Maybe it should soothe me, comfort me, help me feel hes safe and happy.
But it doesn't, it hurts.

Good things.

Hm... haven't posted in a few days. Let's go over what's been missed.

Tom came back to me. :) So far things have sort of taken back up exactly where they left off and that makes me very happy. I like having him back in my life. I don't know really what to expect with that but hey, at least he's here, back in my life. He's still my best friend and I hope that I never ever truly lose that from him.

A few days ago I didn't get much sleep. I woke up at 7am brought Lai to school then went to my moms house to help her w daycare. Then I got Lai from school and I was busy all day - then at night I couldn't sleep and didn't fall asleep til about 4am..... Around midnight I started getting really cranky - like a child who seriously needed a nap. My "inner child" seemed to be out. I was trying to crochet but my yarn got knotted and then I was getting frustrated that I couldn't get the knot out. It was awful because I couldn't and it just really hurt my feelings. LOL ! Yeah, the yarn hurt my feelings. So I ended up slamming doors and going in the shower and stubbornly ignoring Justin while he tried to figure out what was wrong and sooth me. I kept whining and pulling away from him. In my head I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to tell him how I felt. But my inner child had different plans evidently and she wouldn't let me open my mouth. Eventually, I broke down and I cried. I kept saying, "I'm mad." And, "It's not fair". Yeah, over yarn. -.-

I went to a rich person's house the other day - my mom is friends w her and my mom bought some baby stuff off her for cheap to help me out with this pregnancy. We got a bassinet from her, that is super super cute ! Also got 3 huge bags of baby clothing - some gender neutral - most boy. But if I have a girl I'll just get rid of the boy clothes, no big deal. My moms friend has two sons of her own. Her house is gigantic, the tv is gigantic, they have huge amounts of toys and a train track that takes up a large portion of their gigantic living room and I was thinking - if she were infertile she'd have adopted. I watched how she was with her own children and she was no better than I am with my daughter. Yes, they had a shitton of things, but her children were no more advanced than mine at her children's ages, they were not treated any better, the only thing she provided more of was possessions that cost a lot of money to keep them entertained. Then I thought about it and I felt sort of happy I wasn't rich because instead of sticking my daughter in front of a huge tv or a gigantic play set or thousands of toys - I brought her to the park and taught her how to use her body strength, I spent time with her - got to know all her likes and dislikes, I bring her to the zoo all the time and teach her about animals, we do activities together, she knows most of her letters and numbers and she can do simple math already, she's understanding and compassionate - but that's because I spent time with her teaching her about others and the world and the fact that we don't have much but we have more than what others have. Then I felt sad because I know in my heart that there is NOTHING that Liz and Nate provide Bennett that I couldn't have.

In lighter news lol, my mom invited me to go to Foxwoods Casino with her last Saturday. We went to play bingo ! She got me Panera bread, we chatted, played bingo, she got the baby some little moccasins and she also got me a really nice indian style beaded bracelet. I really enjoyed spending time with her because even though I hate her sometime she's my mom and I love her. My grandmother also came who I also enjoyed being around and spending time with - I really miss my grandma... she was around a LOT when I was a baby and when I was little but slowly over time she exited my life which really hurt inside of my heart quite a bit. My grandma practically raised me when my mom couldn't and didn't know how. But idk, she didn't seem as interested - she sort of just seemed like she wanted me to leave her alone. Even though I really wanted to talk to her and catch up. The only time she showed interest in talking to me was when she was asking if I got new pictures of Bennett - which really breaks my heart and I feel like she feels that's the only "accomplishment" I've ever made. And it isn't even an accomplishment at all, more like a complete failure on my part actually. Oh and my aunt Bev came.... I really don't like her. At one point I did but over the past few years I've really come to dislike her. She's full of petty drama and she stole from me. She also talks about me behind my back and spreads rumors about me. It's quite immature and pathetic in my opinion.
Anyways... a pretty nice night all around. I did enjoy it and I would love to be able to do it again.
For once my mom treated me like an adult and not a child, she spoke to me as an equal, she cared about me. And my whole life that's what I've fought for. <3

Not much else to mention at the moment I guess. Until next time...

Adoption Education

Just found another "considering adoption" post on the site I frequent. Wrote this up:

I placed my son 2 years ago and I would never ever place again. From personal experience I would suggest against it because I do not feel it is what is best for the child or the mother mentally and emotionally. Financially - sure ! Adoption is wonderful. But that is not what a child needs.

Adoption CAN be a good thing - There ARE good adoption stories and there are some natural mothers who are okay with their decisions and adoptees who are okay with being adopted. With that being said.... keep in mind that the pain after placement isn't something I would wish even on my worst enemy.

In most states Open adoption is legally enforceable BUT you will need enough money to afford a lawyer and court costs if the aparents ever decide to cut contact. They could also limit contact - to once or twice a year or once every few years or whatever they want really and courts usually don't have a problem with that as long as they're keep minimal contact. I have been in the online adoption community for 2 years now and I have heard MANY more stories about adoptions getting closed rather than staying open and most moms can not afford bringing the rich adoptive couple to court.

Adoption won't only affect you though. Adoption does affect the newborn baby. Think about it like this: You have favorite things - maybe the scent of your husband, the sound of the ocean, the feel of a nice warm bath, etc. Well, baby's favorites are simple - the scent of his or her mother, the sound of his or her mothers voice, the sway of the way his or her mother walks, the sound of his or hers mothers heartbeat - everything that your baby knows and comes to love over 9 months - is you. A baby doesn't understand adoption but they do know they are taken from everything they know and they do suffer long term trauma for it.

Nightly I attend a chat group full of adoptees who have lost their mother and I listen to the traumas and grief that they are still dealing with due to losing their mothers at birth. They feel like they are missing a part of themselves. One adoptee explained it to me like she had a phantom arm - and that it was in pain and she couldn't do anything to handle it or to help it. Many of them also feel abandoned and as if they were unwanted and it is something that has constantly played over in their heads their entire lives, making it difficult for many of them to form natural relationships with people. Many would have rather grown up poor and with their mother than in the family they were raised in or are being raised by.

Many adoptees grow up and become diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder and other mental health disorders.
http://tfj.sagepub.com/content/20/4/355.abstract
"A disruption in the initial attachment formed between an infant and a primary caregiver often leads to some type of disordered or disorganized attachment. While research has been conducted on the etiology, symptoms, and effective forms of therapy regarding this disorder, much definitive information remains unknown or unclear. With the increasing use of foster care in America and the frequency of adoption, it is becoming obvious that more attention is needed in the area of how to best appropriately approach a diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder. "


http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/adoptee-view/adoptee-view-what-can-a-tiny-baby-know/#.UikTWcY3uCc
An adoptee who did a lot of research over the years writes in his blog: "A 2001 study shows that of teens in grades 7 through 12, 7.6% of adopted teens had attempted suicide compared with 3% among their non-adopted peers."

http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoptee-suicide-risk-4-time-higher-research/
Another study shows that adoptees have a 4x higher risk of attempting suicide compared to non adoptees:

Don't forget that their identity becomes sealed. Their birth certificates can not be accessed in 41 states. They can never see that you are on their birth certificates, never learn who their father is, never know the name you gave to them at birth before being renamed by their adoptive families and it in my personal opinion lowers them to second class citizens because our birth certificates should be our legal right. We should know who our true parent are and where we were born - as people.
http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoptee-rights/
You can also add Rhode Island now - which adoptees can access their OBC's at age 25.


For you - what could follow is severe suicidal postpartum depression, engorgement for weeks/months, PTSD, severe nightmares, trauma, definitely grief, anxiety disorders and even a high chance of secondary infertility - meaning that you can't conceive again post placement.


http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07351690903200184#.UikYH8Y3uCc
"I discovered that between 13–20% of birth mothers do not go on to have other children. For a few, this is a conscious decision; however, for the majority there was either no known reason for infertility or their life circumstances foisted it on them, i.e., lack of suitable partner. Relinquishing their child has meant losing their only opportunity to parent a birth child, and that has bought tremendous anguish. Women considering relinquishing a child need to be made aware that secondary infertility is a real and present possibility."

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/adoption-trauma-the-damage-to-relinquishing-mothers/


Adoption isn't a walk in the park. You LOSE your baby.

A quote from an adoptee who is also a psychotherapist and has worked with mothers who have lost to adoption and fellow adoptees writes in his book - written with a "birth mom" that -

"In her heart and mind her baby had died. But she could find no resolution or closure, because her baby was still out there - somewhere. There was no consolation as there would have been for a legitimate, "deserving" mother who lost a baby to death..... Her loss, her great sadness and pain, was invalid to everyone else. Essentially her baby was dead by adoption."
Joe Sall, Adoption Healing ... A path to recovery for mothers who have lost children to adoption.

And that 100% is how it feels. It's not like you just hand your baby over and everything is peaches and cream.

Also I'd like to add that babies are not "gifts" to be giving away. They are human beings. Babies are not commodities that should be bought or sold. And unfortunately, that's what is happening. It costs different prices for different colored or gendered children.
Even non-profit agencies DO profit - the head of the agency making over a million dollars annually. The adoptive parents pay the agency and you hand over your baby, for them to profit. The agencies profits in monetary gain and the adoptive parents in receiving your baby.
Babies are not possessions, they are not created to be given to strangers who hardly know you and definitely don't know them. They are created to be with their mothers.

Feel like I'm failing.

Just woke up when I received a call about cancelling my psych appt on Fri because I need to take Lailah to school at that time. Now... getting hit with a lot of thoughts.

I have about 13-15 weeks before baby gets here and s/he could actually come sooner! It's unbelievable. Scott is now only sending me $300 monthly so that just about covers my cell phone and my car insurance. My mom told me she would help me but now since Brittany (sisters) friend is still living with her and she's going to let me move in, she's putting walls up and making rooms in the basement or whatever - to create our own spaces. I understand it will cost her a good chunk of money but I feel hopeless in the meantime. She told me she would pay me to help her with her daycare and now she's not. I am petrified that my bank account is going to sink into the negatives and then I won't be able to pay either my car insurance or cell bill and I will have my cell turned off and my car insurance lapse. And if my car insurance lapses it will cost more than the $200 to pay next time I get it again and in the meantime I can't drive my car. I need a job but where is going to hire me at 6 months pregnant? I'm probably a liability.

Justin doesn't make enough to support us and MY bills either. I feel guilty asking him for so much help.

I have been feeling pretty down lately, some sort of depression kicking in early - but then again - my life situation has been falling apart and nothing is as it was. Before, I had a job and I had extra money, I was also getting more from Scott. Now I feel like I'm failing. I'm failing myself, Justin, Lailah, and this new baby.

What else can I do?

Lailah's first day of Kindergarten!

Today was Lailah's first day of Kindergarten! She was so excited! I woke her up this morning, we had some cereal together, got ready, and off we went! When her teacher came out she hugged me, kissed me, told me she loved me, and then got in line! Then right before going in she turned around, gave me that big bright smile of hers and waved excitedly at me! That's exactly when I teared up and it hit me that she wasn't going to my moms, or with a family member, my dad, or her other grandparents! My little girl was starting school! I smiled back and waved enthusiastically, partially wishing my little girl was a baby still in my arms again where I could protect her and keep her safe all the time. <3
At 2pm I stood at the door waiting for her. :) When her teacher released her she ran up to me as I scooped her up in a big bear hug! Her face was lit up as she told me she missed me and then started telling me all about her day at school ! She explained about the green light, red light system they use for bad behavior and if they get on red they don't get to go out for recess.  She was telling me about recess and about how her teacher told the girls in the class they can't wear dresses or skirts (which I will be asking about). She was so proud of herself that she stayed there all day without me, "all on her own"! :D I told her she did excellent and she was such a big big girl!
Later on I laid down to take a nap, after many more hugs and her telling me how much she missed me <3 (I'm going to miss this when she's older!), and she started watching Netflix but I guess she decided to nap too. My phone started ringing so I reached to silent it and in Lailah's sleep she said, "And then we get to stop working, right?!" LOL. I'm guessing school did take a lot more out of her than she let on! But I'm glad she's still seemingly excited and happy about going. :)

1st day of Kindergarten ! Mrs. Jarrett's class! <3

Asking her about her day :)

Dear Lailah,

I am so proud of you! You have grown up to be such an amazing little girl and I feel so blessed to call you my own. I have no idea how I got so lucky for your little soul to find me in this great big universe. Raising you for the past 5 years and growing you within my tummy has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Becoming your mother has changed me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. You created a better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, and loving person out of me! All of that - just by being you. Everyday I talk with you, hang out with you, and laugh with you - I also learn from you. I know, I know ! I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to teach you! And I do. :) To the very best of my ability! But you also teach me and I love learning from you. You are the most loving and compassionate soul I have ever met. Within only 5 short years you have grown into such a grown up little human that displays great understanding of others and kindness to all. You are the love of my life. Watching you grow up makes me extremely proud and happy inside but it also makes me a little sad, don't worry! Not a bad sad. A mommy type good sad. :) My baby girl isn't a baby anymore and that is no small feat! She has grown up and she will continue growing up. And I am secretly dreading the day you gain your wings and you take flight from home on me! <3 I love you Lailah and I will be here every day that I possibly can be for you. Keep learning and growing, keep being the kindest soul I know, keep being exactly who you are and who you want to be. I have faith in you, always.

Love, Mommy. <3

A path to recovery.

I've been reading Joe's book - Adoption Healing ... a path to recovery for mothers who lost children to adoption
I need to get this out somewhere, these thoughts on my mind.

A lot of what Joe mentions in his book is exactly how I feel but part of me feels that I shouldn't feel the same way, that I shouldn't feel how the women of the past who have suffered adoption feel. Why? Because I wasn't exiled. I wasn't told I wasn't a mother. I wasn't abandoned by my parents - I chose to leave them. I wasn't told that being pregnant was a sin and that I was evil. I wasn't forced out to live somewhere that treated me poorly. Then why do I still feel these things? Why does how they all felt still fit in with how I feel as well? Because we all lost our child to what is called adoption. It makes me sad that the book is written about the past of adoption and not just adoption as a whole. I am wishing there was a book like that because even as I read this book and I understand how they all feel - I feel alone.

"Unresolvable grief, or disenfranchised grief, is grief that is not acknowledged by society as real. Mothers who were discarded by adoption were not considered normal mourners, legitimately sad mothers who suffered immeasurable, grievous loss. They are invisible. Normal grief is recognized, accepted and validated. Theirs is not."

"The mothers were not permitted to speak of their experience,much less the loss of their children - children who are not dead - children we were, and still are, very real. They did not lose them to death. They lose them to adoption, a man-made institution, not through natural causes. Because these mothers were not allowed to experience their children as their own, their children soon became illusory, ghost-like figures."

"How could they mourn their babies when they weren't even allowed to be real to them? But they were real. Their mothers labored to give them life, some held them, some fed them. Many were told to physically hand their baby over to social workers or to the "more worthy" people -- the married couples who stood ready to adopt."

"After all, social workers and society believed that mothers who "gave up" babies did not have feelings like normal mothers."

"For the mother of loss, anger and grief didn't decrease over time; those feelings actually increased. The grief they experience is completely unique. Their grief was not socially acceptable, recognized or supported. They were not allowed to express their feelings, and they felt alienated from everyone as they understood that their feelings made others uncomfortable. They had no solid footing in their own families or in society. There was nowhere to focus their pain, rage, loss, and sadness. As a result, they turned those feelings in on themselves. They didn't fit anywhere. They weren't as good as other people, other women, other mothers. In fact, society approved and supported the silence mothers were forced to honor. Their grief became chronic as they endured more and more difficulty in their lives."

I am feeling sad because I don't have the emotional support that I would like to have.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to anymore, nobody to work these things out with that are in my mind. I feel alone. Why? I do have friends and I have friends who are also natural mothers. Because I feel that I make friends uncomfortable - and I more than likely do, I can read it all over them, I can practically feel it seeping out of their pores. And with other natural mothers I can feel  the pain I force them to relive and I can feel how uncomfortable that makes them as well. The people who can understand me the best don't want to because that would mean having to face the pain themselves as well. So here I am, feeling alone on this journey of attempting to heal.

I posted this quote from Joe's book on my facebook -
"In her heart and mind her baby had died. But she could find no resolution or closure, because her baby was still out there - somewhere. There was no consolation as there would have been for a legitimate, "deserving" mother who lost a baby to death..... Her loss, her great sadness and pain, was invalid to everyone else. Essentially her baby was dead by adoption."

A cousin of mine posted this in response:
"Just a question.... If it was the persons decision to put the baby up for adoption how is it they lost the child? It was their choice no? Not passing judgement just dont get it"

I answered in return:
"Many mothers don't make the "choice". A choice is when you have options - and with each option you feel safe in that option. With pregnancy there is parenting, abortion, and adoption. Those are the foreseen "choices". Most women obviously will choose to parent - no other choice enters their mind because being with their child is what is the most safe of all - it's maternal instinct. When an expectant mother is raped or loses family support, a job, the babys father, her home - etc.... she often gets looked down upon, people talk about her, they pity the child she is carrying - she hears their whispers and she sees the looks. She feels as if she is unworthy to parent, what kind of mother could she be? Adoption is then mentioned as a "perfect solution" to this issue that the expectant mother is now dealing with - instead of support. She is already low and disregards herself as capable because if everyone else is thinking it - how could it not be true? She may take the step to call an agency (as one may say that is her choice - but she is petrified), the agency worker tells her they can help her, that she's strong and brave and that there is a couple who needs her, that if she were to place her baby that she would be putting the babys interests above her own that she would LOVE her baby more. That she would be the 'perfect mother' to chose adoption because she's putting the childs needs above the love she holds for her own child. She is made to feel like adoption is her only choice, the best choice for her child. The entire rest of her pregnancy the agency quickly introduces a family who may call or visit often - telling the expectant mother how grateful they are - and the prospective adoptive family and the agency tell the expectant mother that she can not let them down. She becomes trapped in this "choice" and she is made to feel as if she can not back down and parent her child at all at this point. She may even be threatened with legal force or physical force by either the prospective couple or the agency. Feeling like you NEED or HAVE to do something is NOT a choice. A choice is something you make when you're comfortable with it. I may choose to eat poptarts or popcorn - I feel comfortable with either. You may choose to wear shorts or wear a skirt and feel comfortable with either. No, expectant mothers may not have a gun to their head - but they have hormones swarming around and people in their heads (you may say - well, that woman allowed them to get there), but did she really? She needed support and guidance - not to feel forced to give her child to strangers because they have more wealth than her. - Also many adopted children grow up with severe problems - many are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, they feel empty and void, they feel they don't belong, suicide rates are higher than children/people who have not been adopted, etc. Which proves adoption is not what is in the best interest of the child.