Peaceful parenting win

This is why I love peaceful parenting.
The situation : Lailah had her nail polish out and had already finished painting her nails but didn't put them away yet. Noel was throwing the nail polish out of the bag. Lailah wanted Noel to stop because he was throwing them and hitting her with them.
First she alerted me what was going on.
 Me: It appears that you would like your brother to stop throwing them, is that correct?
 Her: yes.
Me: what do you think you can do to help the situation to get that outcome?
Her: I don't know.
Me: well, let's work together on it.
Lailah then got down at eye level with her brother and asked him a few times "Noel please stop throwing them. Noel can you stop throwing them" "Noel don't throw please".
Me: I stepped in - "that doesn't look like its getting through to him, what's next that you can try?" Lailah: she thought for a couple seconds then got the idea I was hoping she would. "I can put them away!"
Me: I think that's a very good idea.
Lailah: "ok Noel I have to put these away now okay." Then she cleaned them up.
Then to my surprise when she was finished she got back down on eye level with Noel and said, "Noel, you were throwing the nail polish. When you threw them you hit sissy with them and that hurt me *signed hurt to him and Noel signed hurt back*. Yeah, it hurt. Next time can you try not to throw the nail polish? I'm going to have to put them away now, ok?" Then she happily put them away and moved on to something else.
I'm not perfect at all but I must be doing something right. <3

Busy busy busy.

Oh wow, I haven't noticed that I haven't written in over a month until just now. I've been meaning to write but I've recently been very busy. Mostly with the kids, work, and planning Justin and my wedding.
Work is going ok - just recently had my hours limited to about 6 a week so it's not helping much financially. I was on two cases but my first case had a child that I was working with that was just wayy too aggressive - they took me off that case when I got a metal toy truck thrown at my face and it busted my lip open. Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, that could have turned out really awful. My second case they dropped it down to only 6 hours a week from 12 and I'm actually off this case next week. I have another case which I'm waiting for an interview with the parents. Hopefully the parents will be able to meet sometime next week and I can start working that case ASAP. That case wI ill be 15 hours a week. I might also add another short houred case for extra hours to get as close to 20 as possible - over if I can really..
I've been planning Justin and my wedding which is scheduled for August 22nd. I have a lot of emotions about it which vary from very excited and happy to very nervous and doubtful. I'm hoping the doubt that I feel is due to my struggle in my past relationships and doesn't truly have anything to do with Justin himself. Although, recently I've really been hating the way he talks to Lailah. He talks to her like she's supposed to be some adult who knows everything. He seems to talk down on her like she's stupid for not knowing how to cook or put something in the fridge correctly (which I see as grown up tasks - not 7 year old tasks). He says he's working on it though and I know personally how hard it is to recover from our pasts - I struggle too. But I feel like I'm trying harder and that he only tries when he's around me and not when he's in the other room with her. I hope when I finish the parenting book I'm reading though that he too will be able to read it and understand it and then work towards implementing what is taught in it into our lives with our children.
I've been very stressed out lately. So much so that I've been having episodes of derealization and depersonalization. Which are basically fancy words for feeling as if I don't truly exist - nothing does - the world around me doesn't truly exist, and feeling as though I am not me and that my thoughts don't always belong to me - I forget who I am. These episodes include me losing the past 5 mins of my time and not remembering what I was doing (thankfully I've only noticed them lasting very short periods of time).  It's very scary and frightening for me. I have this fear of losing myself - who I know myself to be. I fear losing control of myself and my actions. I don't really know how else to explain it even though it feels as if there is so much more to it.
I'm also working hard on myself. I've been talking and comforting myself and my inner child a lot often and working on my parenting to the best of my daily ability. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling very agitated and frustrated and I couldn't really pin a trigger or reason. I am assuming it was due to a nightmare I experienced the night before. I've been getting a lot of nightmares recently - some I remember and others I only remember briefly before forgetting. My higher self has told me that I've forgotten them for a reason - because I can't handle the things my brain is trying to process, I'm apt to believe her. But yeah - back on track here, yesterday was hard.... I was so on edge and I noticed it. That's a huge step for me. I noticed it. Not only did I notice it but I recognized what I should do and what I shouldn't do. Included in what I shouldn't do was yell at my kids at all due to my own internal struggle, take it out on Justin due to my own internal struggle, or be reactive due to my own internal struggle. I wanted to avoid doing those things. So what I did instead was that - first I alert Justin. I told him how I was feeling simply. "I am really struggling today. I'm feeling very frustrated." and then I told him what I needed and why, "I need space and as little pressure on me as possible because I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to yell or get upset, I'm just trying to ride this out." By telling him I think it really helped the situation - he's really helpful during times like this for me. Then I did my best throughout the day to remain "present" and to not become reactive. Justin did his best to entertain the kids. I still nursed Noel and I played with him a bit. When Lailah would become a bit too overwhelming I let her know as well that mommy needed some space and I didn't want to lose my patience so I needed her help. She too is really awesome and so helpful during times like that for me. I am so entirely lucky to have them in my life. Noel can't understand but he's a really intelligent baby and he doesn't cry or tantrum all that much so that is also helpful for me.

Another huge thing that happened lately is that Liz and I seemed to have and hold an actual conversation. She was friendly, we talked about the kids, we just chatted and it was nice. I got photos and a video too.

 
 

 

 

I sent Bennett a pack of chalk, a green lantern pillow that I crocheted, and a monkey game. :) With a card of course. - The card was a belated birthday card because I was late sending out his gifts.

I also got Liz a necklace:

On another note : I really want to learn how to sew stuffed animals. That's my next goal.

I'll be somewhere better - one day.

I haven't written in a while I've sort of started working. I've started training. I am starting one of my shifts alone tomorrow.
Today was a rough shift for me because I really feel so deeply for the child. I hurt for him. And the treatment the clinician set up I don't feel will be as useful to the child as the ideas I have but there's nothing I can do. I have to follow the treatment plan, that's my job. :(
I'm trying to tell myself that it'll just be a year or so that I'll be working and that after a year we should have enough money to get our own house. If we can get our own house - or should I say WHEN we do, then I will open up my own home daycare. If my mom can do it, I certainly can.
That's my plan anyway. And I'm sticking to it. I will get through this.
Tomorrow I am working from 1-3 then 3:45-5:45 probably.
I sort of really hate it because I have to 1. Leave Noel with my mom while I'm gone and 2. I don't get to see Lailah very much at all and she's told me she really misses me.
Last night she cried and told me she misses me and wants me and I cuddled up to her and told her I really miss her too. :(
This next year will be very hard. Probably the hardest I've had in a long time. But I will get through it, I have no choice. I must for my kids. This is just a new obstacle I must face.
I've also recently really started working on my parenting. I'm really delving deep into peaceful parenting and doing my own inner child work. I am reading a book called Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids; How to stop yelling and start connecting. By Dr. Laura Markham. She is also the creator and writer for Aha! Parenting blog. I really like her stuff. I truly want to be the best mom and person that I can be for not just my kids but for myself as well. I need to be healthy for them.
I've been feeling sad and depressed but sitting around isn't going to accomplish anything. It's not going to get us any steps ahead or moving forward towards a better future. So, here I am. I'm getting up and I'm doing what I must even when I don't want to. <3 I'll be somewhere better - one day.

I don't want to be part of the human species anymore.

I'm massively depressed. Like, I think I've hit the end of my rope. It doesn't even matter what got me to this point. What does matter is that I've lost pretty much all hope for humanity. Every shred of hope I've had has disappeared when it comes to humanity. I do not want to be part of this species. I do not want to live amongst all these hateful and hurtful people.
So many people have this idea that only things considered "bad" are harmful but they're wrong. There are so many harmful things in the world and people don't care about fighting them all. There is no compassion, no understanding, no perspective. All there is is judgment and hatred. Then there's name calling, personal attacks, threats, and mental/emotional abuse.
Everyone is out for themselves, nobody caring about anyone else. People acting like friends, people telling you you can trust them - but you can't. Can't trust anybody because it seems to be everybody's motive to collect info and date on others to use as ammo, to use against them, to harass, to betray them with. Nobody there to be compassionate towards one another, helpful, peaceful, and understanding. Everything man created in this world is evil. People are evil.
I used to always want to believe that people aren't inheritently evil or bad that they've been made that way but now I'm starting to believe that I'm wrong. People literally CHOOSE to be evil, cruel, mean, heartless, and harmful. They CHOOSE it. It's not something that was created within them - it's not an error in their programming. They truly are out to hurt and spite other people.
There is so much BAD and EVIL everywhere I turn.
In the people who abuse their kids in public.
In the animals lying dead upon the side of the road.
In the people who fist fight outside at midnight until police come.
In the lack of food in homes across the nation.
In the amount of people homeless living in tents with no way to get a home.
In the lack of help out there for those who actively search and require it.
In the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the make up we put on to hide our depressed faces.
In the daycare providers that shame and humiliate children.
In the school teachers who yell at and harm children.
In the people who live in domestic violence.
In the people walking down the street yanking their pet by the throat with the leash.
In the people who scream threats angrily out their car windows at others.
In the people who start conflict with others at the poker table.
In the messages that go unanswered by people who claim to be "friends".
In all the orphanages and foster care systems around the world where kids are treated as second class citizens.
In all the murders and abuse cases on television.
In the hunger for power and money.
It's in the strangers who attack others for different views and opinions when they don't even hurt anybody,
It's in the struggle of parents to provide good care for their children.
It's in the wars all over the world where innocent people are dying.
It's in the big corporations who only care about the big money and not the effects it has on humans as a species.

It's everywhere. The evil and sadness is everywhere. And I don't think it's ever leaving. As a species humans are getting more and more defective. More mentally ill. More unstable. More harmful to themselves and others. They're not a progressive species. They see bad and wrong and they continue doing it themselves. They see bad and wrong and they choose to use other methods of bad and wrong to suit their beliefs. They don't ever choose compassion or the will to understand. They never choose love.
I feel like an alien sent here to make progress and take notes to pass on to tell others that there is hope after all but there isn't. I want to return home to tell them it's no use and that humans are going to self corrupt and eventually self corrode.

Bennett's birthday struggle

I haven't posted in quite a while. A lot has been going on. I've been in the process of getting that job that I mentioned in previous posts. I have met with the families and last week or so I turned in all my hiring paperwork. Now I just need to do finger printing at the police station tomorrow and then meet with the Clinicians for the cases I will be working on. Orientation will be in June but I can start work before that. I'm going to be taking on two cases, my hours will be 12:30-3:00 , 3:30-6:30. So that's what is going on with that. I'm hoping that this job will really help us get on our feet and get our own place, finally. Here's to hoping.
Emotionally and mentally I haven't been doing so great. Bennett's birthday just passed not even a full week ago yet and as much as I tried very hard to get through it well, I feel I haven't been succeeding. I've gotten drunk twice in attempt to numb and ignore the pain I feel inside. I want to say "I don't know why" I've been feeling so hurt inside about Bennett and the adoption but at the same time I do know - I don't believe you could ever get over the loss of your child no matter the way in which they're not there. People have told me that it would get easier to handle over the years that pass but I've yet to feel that to be true as it has actually seemed harder and worse each year. I have been trying so hard to handle it well and get through it but it seems so far out of my control. Even if on the outside I display that I'm fine and well, I'm not at all. Inside I am so far gone in pain. I know it'll get better and easier the farther from his birthday we get but I do need to figure out some way to handle birthdays for the future. Because the way I'm handling it now is not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad all the time, even if I don't show it at all, I am. I constantly think about how Lailah and Noel deserve better and more than me. I think about all the things Bennett will have, the chances, and opportunities that he will have in life that Lailah and Noel won't because I'll never be as well off as Liz and Nate. I'm so hurt inside that it boils over into everything else in my life - things that I otherwise can handle well, I haven't been able to as well. I get frustrated and upset easier and for the first time ever I've been facing nursing aversion at night. I know it all ties into my emotions and feelings due to the adoption of Bennett. Everything feels like a trigger when I feel so overwhelmingly sad with it. I yell more often, I isolate myself away from Justin and the kids, I've been going out more frequently, I've been getting into more arguments with Justin, I sometimes don't want to be around Noel, and I just feel like I'm not who I want to be and it's so very difficult to control. Due to all of those things it makes me feel like a bad mom who doesn't deserve her children anyhow - it's a vicious cycle. The pain makes me not able to function the way I regularly would. I explained it to Justin like this: It feels like inside of me I'm a cup and all of my feelings are brimming at the top so every little trigger that I deal with forces my cup to bubble over and spill - otherwise I would be able to handle them really well if the cup wasn't so full. I feel so weak and out of control that I can't just handle these emotions and thoughts better. I feel I should be able to get through this easier by now. He's 4 now and the adoption is the best it's ever been. Liz has told me that I may be able to have visits within a few years and she's been so much nicer than she ever previously has. I feel like that since she's had the twins that she has a better idea of what I went through in regards to the adoption of Bennett. She has a higher level of respect for me, I guess. Idk, but she has been better with talking to me. I feel like she finally talks to me and interacts with me like I'm a person and not just like a nuisance.

Oh and as for that CAL - I'm on the last hint, the blanket is almost completed. I don't LOVE it but I don't hate it either. It's been an interesting learning experience, I haven't been perfect lol, but it's been fun and I am excited to do more in the future.

Well, there you have it. That's all that's going on in my life so far. Waiting on this job to get going and trying to get through this rough time in my life while crocheting.

Where I'm at now.

lolllll - Just checked my last post to see where I was at. Well - didn't win powerball :P
But I'm not doing so bad. I am still waiting on that job. I called yesterday and I was told that they've sent a reference paper to the company I had the same position at 4 years ago. Not sure what that means but I'm guessing maybe they can't get in touch with the woman who was previously my supervisor. So - I'm still waiting. But it's not so bad because we got our income tax returns in and so we're not financially drowning. It takes some of the pressure off.
Recently I've just been going out to play cards a couple times a week at night, crocheting, and really working hard on my parenting. I'm doing a "crochet along" online which is pretty fun. They give "clues" each Tuesday and everyone who is participating crochets what the clues are. So far I'm working on clue 3. As for my parenting. I'm working REALLY hard on two things - NOT yelling, ALLOWING Lailah to express her emotion in safe manners, AND actively helping her through her emotions letting her know that emotions are normal and actually healthy to get out in appropriate manners. The yelling thing has been a bit difficult for me; especially when I'm feeling very stressed out - but I'm getting there. The allowing emotions thing was an extremely HUGE trigger for me before I started this and it's still a trigger but just not as big anymore. I LIKE being able to help her through her emotions and I can feel her trusting me more and bonding with me more and I LOVE that. It's well worth the discomfort it triggers in me at first. When I break through it and I sit with her on my lap and stroke her hair and listen to her emotions and struggle and work with her through them I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to become the parent I've always truly wanted to be. I'm working on it really hard for the sake of my children. So that they can turn out to be healthy and amazing adults one day and not an individual like me who struggles with who she is. I want them to be able to access their highest potential easier than I ever could. <3
We went to the Museum of Science in Boston last week. It was quite the adventure. We got almost to the train station when my car got a flat tire. My road side assistance couldn't find our location so we had to call the state police. Then Lailah, Noel, and myself had to ride in the back of a police cruiser to get off the highway - we got dropped off at a gas station. Justin rode with another officer and also got dropped off at the gas station. And my dad got a ride with the tow truck and he went with the tow guy to go get another tire to put on my car. That took about 3 hours. -.- After that we finally got to the train station only to find out that the tracks were iced over on the line we needed and so the trains weren't running and we had to catch two buses to get to another train line which brought us to the Museum. By the time we got there it was already 4:30pm and they closed at 7pm. But the kids had a lot of fun anyhow. Noel loved running around and exploring all the neat things they had there and Lailah just loves being there anyhow. It was a lot of fun even though we didn't get to spend a lot of time there. We then had to catch the buses back and after we got back to my car I drove to a restaurant because we were all starving since we hadn't eaten all day (besides Noel lol who still nurses off me).

Oh and we went and got Justin's wedding band ordered yesterday at the mall! I think we will tie the knot this year in August. :) Our relationship is doing really really well and I can't imagine being with anyone else - ever.

On another note - I miss Bennett. I've recently read an article and watched some videos about toddler that can remember being in their mothers womb. The tots describe hearing their parents voices, seeing light being shone on the belly, hearing their mothers heartbeat, and the swushing noises made by the placenta. I found that so incredible but at the same time completely heartbreaking for me. Bennett more than likely remembered me too and didn't know where I went and if I would ever be back and that tortures me inside. If I could go back in time I would have figured something else out and have taken a different path; if I knew everything I know now. I often feel stupid and pathetic and incredibly weak because I listened to what everyone told me about adoption. Because I believed them when they told me that it was what was best for him. I only ever wanted to protect him and I felt like that was the only way that I could show that I honestly wanted what was best for him. At the time I wasn't capable of thinking, "Maybe what's best for him is ME." "Maybe he wouldn't want this". I was so bombarded with others telling me what it would be like and how to think and feel. It's no excuse. I was weak. I should have figured something out.

So yeah - that's where I stand right now. Just waiting to get this job hopefully and then see where things will go from there.

Power ball! It would be a dream come true

So far - no jobs still yet. But we're making due. I went to a job interview on Jan 29th, the interviewer - Holly, said to give it 2 weeks for a call back. It's been 1 week so far so I'm still waiting an hoping to get this job. The position is HBTS - working with children and their families. I've done this job in the past and I enjoyed it; plus it's good pay. I really hope I can get this position. 

That is, of course, unless I win power ball tonight. Last night I bought 3 powerball tickets - the drawing is tonight around 11pm. Last night I was day dreaming about what I would do with the powerball money if I were to win. My biggest goal I would want to meet using the money would be to help as many people as I possibly could. I would want to help keep families intact and prevent financially struggling mothers from placing their child to be adopted. I would want to help people who are homeless get on their feet (the ones who are really serious about it). I say really serious about it because I would want to help people who truly want to be helped and not just given handouts. I'm okay with giving the foot up to create positive results in other peoples lives - that's exactly what I would want to do. I would help my parents and the people who've been there for me in my life the most. I would buy a house, a new car, and put money aside for college - the kids and my own and Justin's if he would like. I would go back to school to become a neurologist. There is so much I would want to do, accomplish, and help others do and accomplish too! 

I know it's a long shot but the way I look at it is - I have the same chances as everyone else in the world. We all have equal footing. Right? :P

It would be a dream come true and not only for me but for many other people too. I would make sure of that!

I've really been working hard on my peaceful parenting with Lailah. I didn't yell in days - until today. I yelled after Lailah was yelling at me and I just snapped. I HATE being yelled at and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but I did. It's in the past now. I'm sort of over it because in the past I've always yelled and while yelling I've shamed out of impulse due to how my mother always talked to me as a child. But today I didn't shame. I just yelled at her to stop yelling at me and that I wouldn't want to help her if she yelled at me. So, I feel that I've come a long way with that. I've also been actively working with Justin on his parenting as well. For him he struggles with setting firm, loving, clear boundaries. He gets upset and feels like Lailah is being mean to him and he shuts down and doesn't know how to respond. For me I am working on not impulse responding and instead empathizing, validating emotions, offering assistance through emotions, and then offering solutions and problem solving so that she could learn through her learning moment which happens right after a situation occurs. We're not perfect but we're doing our best. 

Ohhh and back to the whole powerball wishes. I was fantasizing about what I would do with the money and I had a couple thoughts of which people wouldn't probably like. I had the thought that I would want to give Liz and Nate two options:
1. Accept me into their family. Let me move close by. Let me be around Bennett, babysit him, spend time with him, spend Christmas and other holidays together, allow me to go to his Birthday Parties. 

OR

2. I would bring them to court to fight to get custody back of him - I would bring proof that it would be in his best interest as adoptees have a higher risk of suicide and suicide attempts, that adoptees struggle with the primal wound, that he would have his original birth certificate back, that he would have his true identity back, and that he would have his family intact. I would explain the mental and emotional coercion that I experienced during my pregnancy with him due to my financial situation and what I had recently gone through at that time. I would fight tooth and nail to restore our family
And if all else failed at least he would know that I fought for him. That I truly did the best I could to get him back into my life/or family. 

I also had the thought to go to my ex therapists place of work and offer the hospital money to fire him and not rehire him. Because he's such a jackass therapist. I called the hospital and spoke to the man in charge of the therapists and told him why I was leaving and not returning to see my therapist and then my therapist went out of his way to send me mail saying that I have been thrown out of the practice. Definition of asshole. 

These are the two "evil" things I would probably do with the money. Otherwise, it would all be what I feel are "good".  

Also, I had a dream about Bennett the other day. I was with him, spending time with him. His amom and adad were divorced and his adad was with another woman. They let me have visits and spend time with him. But the woman wasn't a very kind woman and she had very naughty children due to her lack of parenting skills and I feared for Bennett. When I woke up I wondered if my brain was trying to comfort me in a very odd way by letting me know that at least he is loved and cared for, even if I can't be there for him. </3