I got MARRIED!!

Bad first then good.

I am still struggling with depression - so much so that I've been dreaming about smoking some weed for that happy relaxed feeling again. I feel sad often for what feels like no reason at all. Lately, I have NO reason at all to feel sad (besides the past). 

I got married this weekend !!!!

Justin and I tied the knot on Saturday 08/22/15. <3










It was a beautiful wedding, although not all fancy and top dollar but nice nonetheless. I had a gorgeous gown, he was dressed so handsome, my best friend came up and stayed with us for 4 days to attend our wedding, I had so many wonderful close family members also attend, and my kids are amazing. I loved it but it was also a bit stressful and disappointing as well. I loved that my best friend Tom was there and I had just married my other best friend ever. It was lovely. We had it at Colt State Park - at their chapel then we went over to sites for music and dancing etc.





 At one point it was hilarious because Justin was trying to put cake on my face and I wouldn't let him - I was trying to eat the cake off his finger instead and our best friend Tom came up and said, "You both suck at this!" and then he caked Justin and I both right in the face. It was so much fun!

Lailah and Noel looked fabulous of course. :) Lailah was the flower girl and Noel was the ring barer - with Tom's help. :) Lailah was acting very shy during the whole ceremony and reception - she wouldn't accept Justin's vows to her and she didn't want to dance with me. But overall she liked it and had fun.

I was disappointed that a lot of family members that Justin and I considered close didn't call or show up at all. It was stressful that Noel was freaking out and I could hardly get time away from him where he wasn't wanting me to hold him, nurse, or freaking out for me every 5 mins. I had finally gotten everyone to get up and dance with me when Noel decided to freak out so bad that I had to sit down to comfort him and everyone danced without me. When Noel was calm a while later I tried to get up and get everyone dancing again and nobody wanted to dance with me. And when I asked my dad to dance he protested yet got up to dance anyway - only to complain the entire time (which was about a minute because he complained so much I just let him go sit back down and not dance with me - which really really hurt my feelings actually.) Apparently, I'm not worth a dance with his daughter on her wedding day. But whatever -- I made the best of the day. My best friend was there, there was good food, and well, I got married! Also, my friend Cassidy who helped me with pretty much ALL my wedding decorations and setting up and everything took all my wedding photos! She edited and is still editing more of them and they're incredible! They're perfect. I feel so thankful that she is a friend of mine - she's so generous and kind hearted. She wanted to do all that for me for free! But I couldn't let her, I gave her - lol well forced her to accept $100 from me which I got from someone else who gifted it to Justin and I in a card.

Guests who attended: My mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, both my aunts Bubbles and Aunt Sheryl, Uncle Jack and his wife Janice and step daughter Brianna, Chelsea, my kids, Justin's dad Calvin and his wife Maria, Justin's sisters Sarafina, Tiffany as well and her fiance Miguel and baby, My Aunt Cindy and Uncle Mike, My friends Tom, Lucy and her son Bryce, and Cassidy, My aunt Linda and Uncle John. 

That's it. 

Anyway... I also started a new job today. That's good and bad. Good because I need the money so we can save for our own home. Bad because it is difficult demanding busy work. My thumb is all blistered and cut up from popping fabric papers on these little metal pegs that were on this big machine assembly line type thing. It hurts a lot. But it's a job and necessary. No pain no gain I guess, Eh?

That's all that is really new new. Noel is growing and getting smarter and bigger every day. Lailah is adjusting to Justin and I being married and preparing to go back to school - 2nd grade!! I am going to try to contact the school department so that I can switch her to another school instead of Curtis because of all the problems I've had with them the past 2 years, so we'll see what goes on with that. 

Business before my big day

A lot of new stuff to unload..

Good or bad first? I'll say the good first....

Well - I'm getting married in about 2.5 days. It's Weds night and I am getting married Saturday morning to Justin. I am excited but also overwhelmed by it all. I have a lot of things to do within the next two days... Tomorrow alone I have to get a radio, bring Justin for a hair cut, trim my bangs, get our marriage license, call a potential employer company to go fill out an application and potentially have an interview, meet my mom at the store and to get a new phone hopefully, bring Justin to his dads to burn music for our wedding, and pick Tom up from the train station. A LOT to do. The day will fly by quickly.

Friday I am meeting with my friend Cassidy- she's going to be meeting me at my moms house where we will be finishing odds and ends for my wedding, cooking some food, and making my cake. My friend Tom will also be hanging out with us. I hope it'll be a fun day.

I'm really excited and happy that my best friend Tom is coming up for my wedding. I couldn't feel more grateful towards him for making it an important enough time to take time out of his life for me. He's truly an amazing friend. 

Justin had an interview at Target today and he got hired. not quite sure about it yet since we don't know what his hours will be or if he'll have a good amount or not.

Bad news is that I left my job - that case also became abusive and the child was just far too aggressive for me - I put in my two week notice but my co workers felt like it was too unsafe for me to return before then so I left about a week ago. I applied and interviewed at Target just as Justin has but I didn't get the position - if I had to guess I would assume it has to do with my tiny size, they just don't feel like I could lift the necessary boxes to stock and such. 

But tomorrow I am going to be calling a place to see if I could potentially go in and fill out an application and have an interview. My mom gave me a business card that a mom from her daycare gave her that she recently got hired at so if all goes as well as it had for her then I will have a job soon as well. I can only hope. 

I have been feeling very depressed lately and overwhelmed. My mom hasn't helped me at all with my wedding and the only cash she's given me is if I help her with groceries she gives me 1/3 of it in cash. Which profits her, not me. She hasn't helped me with anything else yet she's helped her God daughter with her wedding that is approaching next month - even went as far as to pay for half of her honey moon that'll be at some resort on some gorgeous island somewhere. I'm really hurt and feel that she means more to her than I do - her own daughter. My dad has been being a jackass recently toward me- constantly putting me down for every choice I try to make and insulting my goals and beliefs. He was attacking my attempt to go back to school which clearly didn't work out. Now he's always attacking me trying to get a new job, my goal to own my own home one day, my goal to open my own home daycare, and at Justin and I getting married. He says backhand comments and then scoffs at my potential ability or optimism. He truly makes me feel like shit. Oh and to top it all off I've been blown off 5 times by 4 different friends over the past couple weeks alone. Every time I scheduled meets with them they cancelled last moment on me and never even rescheduled. It really hurts to have so many people show me, in a way, that I just am not important in their lives at all - including my parents. I've been feeling worthless and like I don't even want to continue life and living... and I SHOULD feel happy. I mean, one of my best friend is coming here and I'm marrying my other best friend, and I have amazing children that love me and treat me like I'm their entire world.. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know why I have been letting so much effect me... I just feel like I can't help it. I get up every day and I push forward, I live my life and each day that comes. I have been taking good care of my face and my acne has cleared up so much, I set schedules and get things done... but all the happiness and smiles I put on my face feel fake. They're just an act to get through the day without ruining others days or provoking questions about my life and feelings other just can't understand. I don't know what to do about it anymore besides keep pretending. I'm becoming a very good actress - unfortunately, it's not something I could add to a resume. 

I'm going to go watch Dexter with Justin and put Noel down for bed so we can be well rested for our busy day tomorrow. 

Exhausting.

Life has been stressful. I feel like I'm running in place never to actually GO anywhere.
It's like NOTHING ever goes right. Besides my children's health - thankfully that's good *knock on wood*.
Last week I went to the doctor with bladder pain to find out that I have blood in my urine. My doctor doesn't know why and I was negative for a UTI or infection, showed no signs of it. I also have a yeast infection but can't take any medication because I'm breastfeeding - but I'm going to try probiotics.
I've put in my 2 weeks notice at work. It's just not working out for SO many reasons. The number 1 reason is because I don't feel it's safe for my health physically, mentally, or emotionally. I guess it takes a much stronger person than me. I go into work and I get pushed, liquids thrown at me, hit, shoved, spit at, screamed at inches from my face, threatened, and sworn at. All by an 11 yr old obese child. I can't handle it. 2. Financially it's just not even worth it. I don't get paid enough for what I do; never mind the fact that I don't get any gas reimbursement yet I have to travel him around to different community outings. The gas is outrageous compared to what I'm bringing home. It's just not worth it at all.
I've applied at target and I'm hoping to get that job even though it's a boring ass bottom end job.
I had a therapist - last time I went and seen her she told me her computer was down and she would call me with an appointment - yet over a month later and she hasn't. Never mind the fact that she refused to listen to my emotions anyhow. No point in even trying again with that.
I feel like I'm so depressed. I'm good at pretending I'm not. I'm excellent at putting on a fake smile and doing whatever it is that needs to be done in life so that I appear just as normal as everyone else. Most of the time, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to keep pretending. It is EXHAUSTING.

Suffering inside.

A lot has been going on inside of me recently. Like a whirlwind of battering emotions and thoughts.
I've been battling inside with really bad anxiety that has been extremely overwhelming. I've been recognizing these episodes that happen to me where I get overwhelmed with thoughts that I dislike which causes me to feel panic and fear and I'm not quite sure why.
It seems to get worse the more I try to control my thoughts or put them "in their place" so to speak. For example my therapist has told me to start noticing when I have judgmental thoughts towards myself - I've been trying to say to myself, "there goes my judging mind again." but that seems to cause more awareness and more anxiety and more fear within me. I've found that I don't really like my unconscious thoughts very much and that I fear them. I am not who I was raised to be - somewhere along the line I changed and I became a person that I fought hard to become - I'm not just who my parents raised. But now because of that - many of my conscious thoughts are who I am today and who I strive to be and my unconscious thoughts seem to still be that of my past. I struggle with my emotions and sometimes my behaviors due to these unconscious thoughts that sometimes drive me. I hate it. :(
I've also been experiencing these episodes that happen where I feel as if my perception on something is changing too quickly - as if I am viewing and experiencing something as someone else and not as myself. That really frightens me and makes me question reality and who I am and what is truly going on around me. It makes me unsure of everything - since I'm not sure of even just myself. I hate that as well.

Recently I've really been struggling with being fully in control of my actions and with being who I truly want to be. I've been being more reactive and my triggers have seemed to have doubled. I am feeling frustrated and aggravated often. My physical body is in a lot of pain - specifically my lower back, my hips, and my shoulders. They hurt pretty bad. :( And at nights when I start feeling tired my body starts giving out on me or something - I start feeling very sick, nauseous, my stomach starts hurting extremely bad with pressure and this bursting pain, my head hurts, and I feel very hot. I can't even function during that time - all I can do is sleep it off.

I've also been really struggling hard with depression. Last Weds, I think it was, I was massively depressed. I locked myself in the bathroom and heavily considered suicide for this upcoming November. If I were to kill myself I would do it on my birthday - Poetic, right? There's something peaceful to me about living exactly a certain number of years - 26, 27, 30, 35, etc. No more, no less. Exactly that many years I survived through until I couldn't handle anymore. Why was I thinking of suicide? Well, pick the reason yourself. My past trauma haunting me, poverty, the lack of relationships I have, the fact that I can barely care for my children - and I certainly can't the way I want to or the way they truly deserve. We are living at my dads house in a single bedroom - which definitely puts a strain on my relationship with Justin ontop of everything else. We hardly have sex, we barely kiss, we're nearly never affectionate with one another because we always have little eyes watching our every move. It's overwhelming and idk the word - it makes me feel claustrophobic in a way.

My parenting has been at an all time low. I am very disappointed in myself and sad to admit that. I have been yelling and sometimes shaming or threatening Lailah. Telling her that I am overwhelmed and that she's not helping and that she could go live with her father if she's going to continue begging me to buy her things and not listening to anything else I say. My relationship with her I feel has been dwindling away again. I want to be there for her and love her and care for her and everything (which I do do; part of me just feels like I don't want to) - but she makes it difficult when I feel like she doesn't care about anything I have to say or anything that I feel. I know I'm taking it personally but I can't help it in the state I am in recently with all this anxiety and depression.

Times like this I miss the marijuana - then I remember the panic attacks that I sometimes got and I don't want to go through them again.

I feel like there's just not much else I can do anymore - that I'm always going to be fucked up no matter how hard I try to heal or no matter the help I reach out for or no matter the work I do on myself to be a better person. A large part of me just wants to give up and stop this suffering I feel inside.

Peaceful parenting win

This is why I love peaceful parenting.
The situation : Lailah had her nail polish out and had already finished painting her nails but didn't put them away yet. Noel was throwing the nail polish out of the bag. Lailah wanted Noel to stop because he was throwing them and hitting her with them.
First she alerted me what was going on.
 Me: It appears that you would like your brother to stop throwing them, is that correct?
 Her: yes.
Me: what do you think you can do to help the situation to get that outcome?
Her: I don't know.
Me: well, let's work together on it.
Lailah then got down at eye level with her brother and asked him a few times "Noel please stop throwing them. Noel can you stop throwing them" "Noel don't throw please".
Me: I stepped in - "that doesn't look like its getting through to him, what's next that you can try?" Lailah: she thought for a couple seconds then got the idea I was hoping she would. "I can put them away!"
Me: I think that's a very good idea.
Lailah: "ok Noel I have to put these away now okay." Then she cleaned them up.
Then to my surprise when she was finished she got back down on eye level with Noel and said, "Noel, you were throwing the nail polish. When you threw them you hit sissy with them and that hurt me *signed hurt to him and Noel signed hurt back*. Yeah, it hurt. Next time can you try not to throw the nail polish? I'm going to have to put them away now, ok?" Then she happily put them away and moved on to something else.
I'm not perfect at all but I must be doing something right. <3

Busy busy busy.

Oh wow, I haven't noticed that I haven't written in over a month until just now. I've been meaning to write but I've recently been very busy. Mostly with the kids, work, and planning Justin and my wedding.
Work is going ok - just recently had my hours limited to about 6 a week so it's not helping much financially. I was on two cases but my first case had a child that I was working with that was just wayy too aggressive - they took me off that case when I got a metal toy truck thrown at my face and it busted my lip open. Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, that could have turned out really awful. My second case they dropped it down to only 6 hours a week from 12 and I'm actually off this case next week. I have another case which I'm waiting for an interview with the parents. Hopefully the parents will be able to meet sometime next week and I can start working that case ASAP. That case wI ill be 15 hours a week. I might also add another short houred case for extra hours to get as close to 20 as possible - over if I can really..
I've been planning Justin and my wedding which is scheduled for August 22nd. I have a lot of emotions about it which vary from very excited and happy to very nervous and doubtful. I'm hoping the doubt that I feel is due to my struggle in my past relationships and doesn't truly have anything to do with Justin himself. Although, recently I've really been hating the way he talks to Lailah. He talks to her like she's supposed to be some adult who knows everything. He seems to talk down on her like she's stupid for not knowing how to cook or put something in the fridge correctly (which I see as grown up tasks - not 7 year old tasks). He says he's working on it though and I know personally how hard it is to recover from our pasts - I struggle too. But I feel like I'm trying harder and that he only tries when he's around me and not when he's in the other room with her. I hope when I finish the parenting book I'm reading though that he too will be able to read it and understand it and then work towards implementing what is taught in it into our lives with our children.
I've been very stressed out lately. So much so that I've been having episodes of derealization and depersonalization. Which are basically fancy words for feeling as if I don't truly exist - nothing does - the world around me doesn't truly exist, and feeling as though I am not me and that my thoughts don't always belong to me - I forget who I am. These episodes include me losing the past 5 mins of my time and not remembering what I was doing (thankfully I've only noticed them lasting very short periods of time).  It's very scary and frightening for me. I have this fear of losing myself - who I know myself to be. I fear losing control of myself and my actions. I don't really know how else to explain it even though it feels as if there is so much more to it.
I'm also working hard on myself. I've been talking and comforting myself and my inner child a lot often and working on my parenting to the best of my daily ability. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling very agitated and frustrated and I couldn't really pin a trigger or reason. I am assuming it was due to a nightmare I experienced the night before. I've been getting a lot of nightmares recently - some I remember and others I only remember briefly before forgetting. My higher self has told me that I've forgotten them for a reason - because I can't handle the things my brain is trying to process, I'm apt to believe her. But yeah - back on track here, yesterday was hard.... I was so on edge and I noticed it. That's a huge step for me. I noticed it. Not only did I notice it but I recognized what I should do and what I shouldn't do. Included in what I shouldn't do was yell at my kids at all due to my own internal struggle, take it out on Justin due to my own internal struggle, or be reactive due to my own internal struggle. I wanted to avoid doing those things. So what I did instead was that - first I alert Justin. I told him how I was feeling simply. "I am really struggling today. I'm feeling very frustrated." and then I told him what I needed and why, "I need space and as little pressure on me as possible because I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to yell or get upset, I'm just trying to ride this out." By telling him I think it really helped the situation - he's really helpful during times like this for me. Then I did my best throughout the day to remain "present" and to not become reactive. Justin did his best to entertain the kids. I still nursed Noel and I played with him a bit. When Lailah would become a bit too overwhelming I let her know as well that mommy needed some space and I didn't want to lose my patience so I needed her help. She too is really awesome and so helpful during times like that for me. I am so entirely lucky to have them in my life. Noel can't understand but he's a really intelligent baby and he doesn't cry or tantrum all that much so that is also helpful for me.

Another huge thing that happened lately is that Liz and I seemed to have and hold an actual conversation. She was friendly, we talked about the kids, we just chatted and it was nice. I got photos and a video too.

 
 

 

 

I sent Bennett a pack of chalk, a green lantern pillow that I crocheted, and a monkey game. :) With a card of course. - The card was a belated birthday card because I was late sending out his gifts.

I also got Liz a necklace:

On another note : I really want to learn how to sew stuffed animals. That's my next goal.

I'll be somewhere better - one day.

I haven't written in a while I've sort of started working. I've started training. I am starting one of my shifts alone tomorrow.
Today was a rough shift for me because I really feel so deeply for the child. I hurt for him. And the treatment the clinician set up I don't feel will be as useful to the child as the ideas I have but there's nothing I can do. I have to follow the treatment plan, that's my job. :(
I'm trying to tell myself that it'll just be a year or so that I'll be working and that after a year we should have enough money to get our own house. If we can get our own house - or should I say WHEN we do, then I will open up my own home daycare. If my mom can do it, I certainly can.
That's my plan anyway. And I'm sticking to it. I will get through this.
Tomorrow I am working from 1-3 then 3:45-5:45 probably.
I sort of really hate it because I have to 1. Leave Noel with my mom while I'm gone and 2. I don't get to see Lailah very much at all and she's told me she really misses me.
Last night she cried and told me she misses me and wants me and I cuddled up to her and told her I really miss her too. :(
This next year will be very hard. Probably the hardest I've had in a long time. But I will get through it, I have no choice. I must for my kids. This is just a new obstacle I must face.
I've also recently really started working on my parenting. I'm really delving deep into peaceful parenting and doing my own inner child work. I am reading a book called Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids; How to stop yelling and start connecting. By Dr. Laura Markham. She is also the creator and writer for Aha! Parenting blog. I really like her stuff. I truly want to be the best mom and person that I can be for not just my kids but for myself as well. I need to be healthy for them.
I've been feeling sad and depressed but sitting around isn't going to accomplish anything. It's not going to get us any steps ahead or moving forward towards a better future. So, here I am. I'm getting up and I'm doing what I must even when I don't want to. <3 I'll be somewhere better - one day.