I have a lot of work to do.

Man, things have been tough.
Thankfully, our landlord has been understanding and she's allowing us to pay her back slowly, a little extra rent each month until we're caught up. Justin still hasn't found a job yet. We have very little cash, our bank is in the negatives, and we're struggling.
Silver lining - our relationship is in a much much better place. Justin finally understands completely how hard it is for me here at home caring for the kids, household, bills, and everything else. He's been being open, honest, and communicating well with me lately - I appreciate it a lot. I really do love him but I don't want secrets or lying by omission anymore. I want us together fully knowing and accepting one another. Sex has been great. Intimacy is wonderful. He's been so loving and caring. He's helped me so much the past month and a half. He's really trying hard to understand my mental and emotional health too, and that's important to me, so I really appreciate it.

In other news, I believe that adoption trauma came up the past week or so. I'm just starting to feel like I can function again. I felt wiped tf out for like a week or two. I felt like crying every day but couldn't get it out, I felt down and depressed, it felt so hard to just get out of bed and function. My house fell apart again. But keep in mind that we also don't have oil, our house is freezing, and the cold hurts my body really bad. :( We also have a lot going on... so maybe it's situational... but I really do think that my adoption trauma stuff has made it harder because once I labeled it, it felt like it resonated and I started processing it. This is around the same time 8 years ago when I had given up on myself and contacted the adoption agency and started the process of losing Bennett. The memories have also been flashing into my head berating me lately. I've tried blocking them out but I think that I have to meet them and just sit with them, they're obviously coming up because I've blocked them out and shoved them down for so long, right??

Today is Lailah's birthday, she's 11. I can not believe I have an 11 year old. Time seems to be speeding up the older I get. Lately, I've really been trying to invest more time into my littles, spend as much time with them as I can, make memories with them, get to know them, figure out their likes, dislikes, triggers, and coping skills that work with them best. This is what I want to do with my life. I am here to help raise the next generation and I have a lot of work to do.

Speaking of what I'm here to do. I've also scheduled a training in March to become a suicide prevention peer worker. I'll be going to events, schools and meetings, telling my personal story about my life and battle with mental health, as well as helping to problem solve to help fix our system and save more people. I feel like this is perfect for me, part of exactly what I'm here to do, and again - I have a lot of work to do.

Well, it's 8:30 am, I'm still tired so I'm going to head back to bed snuggling my babies up tight until we head to my moms later for Lailah's birthday. <3

Having faith.

I'm writing again, it's healthy for me to write and recently I'm feeling really stressed and emotionally overwhelmed. I'm trying to focus on keeping my mind in a healthier state so that I don't make anything worse.
It's been super helpful for me lately though that Tom has been back in my life and connected to me. I missed him so much and I finally feel loved and appreciated again. It took a while for us to get back to this place and he seems to really enjoy it too. He sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had a dream where I died and that it made dream him cry and cry and cry. He said that dream him couldn't handle the existence without dream me in it, it was a crushing feeling. He then said.

"I know it was just a dream but I want you to know that I really love who you are and I'm super grateful you're a (mostly) daily occurrence in my life and I treasure our friendship and connection. Idk if I'd feel the exact same way I did in my dream but you're really important to me and I don't want to ever lose you."

I love him so much. I really think we're soul mates or something and that we're just not meant to be together intimately this life cycle or something. But I'm so extremely glad he is in my life. He loves me, cares about me, and emotionally/mentally is encouraging and supportive. I don't ever want to lose him either. I don't ever want to imagine what my life would be like without him.

SO anyway, currently in life gah. I'm trying to remain calm and not panic. Other than Tom, I've been smoking bud frequently, and taking time to use coping skills (paint, shower, journal, scroll facebook, play a game, watch a show, etc).
We only have $300 in the bank and Justin lost his job yesterday. :( He got fired for forgetting a fridge on the work truck. :( His ADD is really really severe, he has a lot of trouble with his memory, especially if he's under stress. I'm trying really hard to get him to see a psychiatrist and try medication but he's had to reschedule a couple times already. But I see that he's trying and that's what matters.
We've been working on our marriage and I really want things to improve between us because I do love him and we fit together well when we are both actively trying. He's an incredible dad and he's so patient and loving. He has triggers and struggles but I do too. He's an amazing guy otherwise.

I have to go down and apply for WIC and Food stamps on Monday or something.
Justin called the landlord and explained to her our situation, thankfully she seemed understanding about it and asked us to just keep her updated if there were any changes and to call again next week if not. That was a relief.

Idk, I think the meds I'm on are really helping me just have faith and trust the universe, the ultimate consciousness, or whatever ultimate God there is out there. I've been putting time into thinking about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I'm not sure what I believe exactly. But I do believe there's spiritual realms, angels, and reincarnation. That's based on my own personal experiences though and outside of that, I really have no idea. I have trouble believing the bible because it was written by men and if the bible were written in modern times nobody would believe it.

Anyways, I'm coping. I'm managing. Worse comes to worse we have to move back in with my dad... that's something at least, and we would pick ourselves back up soon enough.

Holidays came and went.

The holidays came and went - the holidays themselves went pretty well, thankfully.  But man, the rest of the days have been sort of tough for me. I got triggered pretty strongly a couple days before Christmas. :( I went to Walmart to get the kids their gifts for each other and a few more other gifts and my card declined. I ended up finding out that the oil company apparently thought Justin meant give us 250 GALLONS of oil when he said we could only afford $250 DOLLARS worth of oil. So they charged our bank us almost $600. Our account was in the negatives.
Now we have to ask to pay rent late which we've never had to do since we've been living here. I feel terrible about it.
I was having a lot of flash backs of holding Bennett this past week too, him being here with us, unwrapping presents and having time with him.
It's been a tough week  holidays aside. I'm not 100% sure as to why... other than missing Bennett and getting slammed financially. But I know we will get back on track financially, it'll all work out.
Back in September I closed Bennett's adoption so I've been struggling with that as well to be honest. I'm doing my best coping through the grief and I'm doing alright, it's just really rough to experience still and to sit with.

Thanksgiving

Today was Thanksgiving Day and it went really well. I enjoyed my time with my family a lot. My sister and I smoked, we hung out, ate food, laughed, and we all had a really great time.
Lailah had a bit of a struggle because she wanted to be able to see her dad and Mrs. Polion - a teacher at her school who is also Kelsey's - my sisters gf's mom. So she told her dad to go pick her up but then was disappointed that she might not be able to see Mrs. Polion too but her dad and I worked it out with her. I spent time talking to her about it and she was crying because she was afraid that her dad would cancel future plans on her like he "usually does" - her words, not mine. I understand where she's coming from. Her dad came in and thankfully helped soothe her by letting her know he would try hard to make time for her whenever she wanted or felt she needed more time with her. Thankfully, he's become quite a good dad to her, but she still fears his actions from the past. Understandably so.
Noel had a pretty good day today too playing with my step brothers on video games.
Thea was passed around between family members and also seemed to have a pleasant time.
I did miss having my gramma there though and my uncle Jack, but that's life, right?
For what I had today, I'm thankful and happy. <3

Doing alright

I'm doing alright but about a week ago or so my gramma had a heart attack and had to have a double bypass surgery, then she ended up having a stroke, and it was one thing after another from there. She's apparently, according to my mom, started going blind and unable to see well at all, she's stopped feeling when she has to use the bathroom so she just goes before realizing it... and she has an internal bleed somewhere and so far they can't find it so they've had her swallow a camera to try to find where it is so they can fix it. On top of all of that Don, her ex bf of like 15 years, passed away. I feel pretty bad for her, she's going through some shit right now. I'm really worried about her and scared of losing her, I love her so much, and I just started feeling close to her again. I don't want to lose her again when I'm just getting her "back".
Otherwise, surprisingly, I'm doing alright. This med I'm on really is helping I think. I've been staying ontop of keeping my house clean and also working diligently on my parenting with Noel and Lailah. I've been trying to figure out ways to work with them and also create more of an expected environment. For example: I've started locking up toys, in order to take another toy or activity out the one they had has to go back away. This helps both my kids because they do best when they fully know what to expect.
I've been smoking a lot of weed though too lately, which impo also really helps me get up and live each day, as well as helps give me insight into my parenting and how to better work with my kids. I worry a little about it but I'll do what I have to do to survive and get through this the best I can and right now, that's the best I feel I can. It helps me. It literally helps enhance my life and keep me calm and able to think about and work out situations I'm dealing with or going through.

I'm actually, surprisingly, okay.

Okay, so. I know my last post I said things have been disastrous, and as true as that's been, I've been doing pretty decently. I mean - obviously, I am struggling, but at the end of the day I'm not self harming, I'm not suicidal, I'm not harming my children, I am not cheating on my husband (hiding and lying to him), I am decently stable through all this shit. I'm actually really proud of myself. The past few years have been hell. Like, literally hell for me. I'm sure things could be worse, they could always be worse. I still have my babies, I have my family, I have amazing friends who I love and that love me, I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach (and my babies), and I'm dealing.

That doesn't mean anything has been easy - especially emotionally and psychologically. I battle with thoughts of self harm, I struggle with always making the choices I want to make, and I'm overwhelmed a lot of the time. BUT I am getting as much help as I can and giving myself as much grace as I can. I've started a new med a few weeks ago but I stopped because I was getting night sweats so I am starting a couple new meds tonight that will hopefully help. I'm addressing my depression and my sensory overload with the meds and hoping they will help those issues out. I'm doing what I can.

I'm really proud of all my work and I'm going to keep at it. 

It's been disastrous.

I've stopped writing for a while.... you know what that means right? I've been having a hard time.

I've found that when I go periods without writing, it usually means I'm going through some shit. And shit it's been.

Justin and I have gone completely downhill. It's like 95% that we're getting divorced. I'm sure at this point he believes it's 100%. It all started when a few months ago, shortly after Thea's birth, I decided that I just didn't feel loved, supported, or cared about by Justin - and I hadn't for a while. I kept warning him, I could feel the disconnection happening each time I felt unloved, uncared about, and unsupported. But still, he seemingly did nothing. 

Our anniversary came and went, not a card, not a flower, not even just something hand made. He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner, we went to Friendly's. But, I had thought he had talked to my mom about babysitting the kids while we went out and he didn't. He didn't schedule or plan he just asked my mom and my sister ended up watching them. My sister then texted me only an hour after we had left asking when we would be back and implied that she didn't want to watch the kids any longer. It made me feel so upset and frustrated. I was upset at Justin for not planning and frustrated by my sister because she knew we were out for our anniversary. Also - Friendly's fucked up my meal twice and I left without eating. :(

Fast forward - I started driving like 2 hours away to go meet this guy named Kyle. He was an asshole but he was night to me - temporarily. I talked to him non-stop for about 3 weeks, every day, all day long. But then we met one day and grabbed dinner, then I left after hanging out with him for a bit. Then we met again a few days later and we played some Cards Against Humanity and had some drinks. I drank too much and we ended up having sex. I slept over then the next day we hung out and had sex again. I then went home and then on my drive back home he texted me and told me we wouldn't work out, but still wanted to see me and be friends. I kind of started getting weird - this "whatever, *push people away*, wait no - come back" thing that I do when I start feeling super unstable and fear abandon. He then disappeared for 2 weeks. By that time I had met another guy, Mathew, who lives an hour away, and started seeing him. The first day we grabbed dinner then I went home after we sat in the car and talked for a few hours. Then a few days later I saw him again, we had sex, I stayed the night, then went home. When I got home he was still talking to me and showing interest. A few days later I went over again and we had a lot of sex. Then a few days later he was like, "we wouldn't work, I just want to be friends" - almost exactly like Kyle did. 

But Mathew still talks to me daily and we've hung out - without sex a few times, although, I did spend the night a couple more times. Idk if I can handle just being friends with him though, because I have been missing and craving intimacy and support. But he is a good friend to me and a good person. It would be unwise of me to not be friends with him just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Because, I crave friendship too. It just sucks because I am attracted to him a lot. I think he's fucking gorgeous. And I'm not typically physically attracted to men. 

Then a little over a month ago, I had previously texted Liz twice asking for an update on the - is she going to tell Bennett and open the adoption - situation and she ignored both. I then texted her about the hurricane that was hitting down there and she responded to that one saying they were fine but that was it. So, I ended up texting her again and closing the adoption until whenever she's ready to tell him he's adopted and let him know me. AND THEN about a month ago now Steve - the guy who caused everything with Bennett, made a new meetme account and had found me and messaged me. He was all like "hey, hope everything is less complicated than it was last time we talked". I went off on him before blocking him and of course he denied everything. I had a really really rough day that day, I cried literally all day, it was tough. 

It's been disastrous - I've been a disaster.