Tons of emotions in me

I'm back to writing. I feel so alone. I was sitting in my bed alone and crying. I'm so depressed. I did the adoption. I had him Friday morning April 15 at 12:24 am. He's beautiful. Mark came, he was at Donkey Dodgers poker and he won, then came to the hospital for me. He's amazing and I truly love him. He was there for me last night too when I broke down. He held me, kissed me, held me and just let me cry. He was there for me more than anyone. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm upset. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, but I'm blessed.

I'm upset because I feel like everyone around me besides Mark and Lailah and Megan (who I text) are completely fake.
I'm angry because I feel like after people are done getting what they want from me, that I'm thrown away.
I'm sad because while Mark is working, I feel like I have nobody.
No friends, no support.
I'm frustrated because I can't have sex with Mark.
I don't feel desire to have sex right now. I feel disgusting and gross.
I just want my body back.
I'm in so much pain. My contracting uterus hurts. My breasts hurt more than imaginable. My belly is flabby and not tight.

I'm blessed because I have the most beautiful 3 year old daughter ever and because I found the most amazing guy I ever could have possibly found and I'm glad I stayed talking to him.

Always a slave

Mom said go home to be home with Moe so she could go to the gym.
Kids were napping. Moe was on computer. I couldn't go do what I had to (my glucose test).
Mom said I had to make dinner or go grocery shopping I said I didn't want to go out. I had to make rice, chicken, and broccoli. Mom didn't even go grocery shopping. Moe did with Jazzy. Mom laid in bed. I used to get bitched at about using the car but I've always driven it sober. moe and her friends were out all day and smoking weed with the car. Mom said I had to fold all the laundry because she folded a (1) basket of mine. I washed my own, she just folded them without me knowing. But I had to fold 3 baskets of Brian's, Moe's and her clothing for her.

I don't want to live.

I. Hate. This. Life. Chosen. For me.
I'm in love with a guy who doesn't want a relationship with me.
I have a daughter I apparently can't provide for.
I have a mother who bitches about me living with her and eating her food.
I have a sister who is a major bitch and only cares about herself.
I have no friends what-so-ever.
And I hate it all.
Oh and a baby I can't even keep. Fantastic.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
I have no emotional support. No body to listen to me. I don't even feel worth it anymore.
Sometimes I honestly feel like giving Lailah to Scott's family and killing myself.
I'd write her letters for the entire future.
I don't wanna be here.
I hold on hoping things will get better but I still feel worthless.
I get bitched at for eating and having a room to sleep in.
God forbid.
I should just die.
Please let me die.

What I have to do for mom:
Weds - Pick up moe at 12am, bring dad drs 6am, bring jaz to work 4pm.
Friday - pick up Melissa, Lexi, and Chelsea
Tuesday - Be home with Moe to watch daycare so mom can go to the gym 11:30am
Mon- Get Melissa 1:40pm, bring dad to drs 9am

Fuck this

Why can't I just be happy without people telling me I'm a horrible shitty person? Why can't I be happy without people bringing me down?
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live to never be allowed to be happy. I just want to feel loved and once I do then it's like I'm a horrible person for wanting that. Maybe I shoulda done adoption with Lailah. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my hose, I hate it here.
I hate my mom and the people around me. I just want to die and do everyone a goddamned favor. I don't want to keep trying so hard. It's pointless.
I was finally feeling happy. But apparently happiness is a sin. I want to just cu myself again and it won't even matter since I can't see Mark anymore. My mom says I can't use her car and I'm not allowed to go out anymore.
I give up. I quit.
Fuck this.

Why me?

I get paranoid and anxious. I don't feel good enough. Why does Mark continue seeing me? Me? Of all girls. I'm pregnant. Wtf? Not that I don't want him to, cuz I definitely do. But I'm so scared of losing him now. What if it's too much? I know I should live in each moment but I'm not prepared for heartbreak right now.

Stupid Valentines day

Oh goodness. I think I'm in love. I been bit by the love bug or struck by an arrow. I don't want to lose him. The way he smiles at me. The way he makes me laugh and smile. The way he holds my hand in his. The way he makes it all alright. The way we cuddle together. The way he looks at me. The way he always knows what to say.
We still aren't in a relationship but I'm okay with that now. I know he's not seeing anyone else. And right now, that's all that matters to me.
God. The way he's silly with me. The way he looks into my eyes and kisses my lips.

Stupid Valentines day.

You got to me.

Nothing but a liar.

Today was kindah hard on me. I'm sick of being bossed around. Go do this. Do that, Do this. Yet no one does anything to help me. Ever. I didn't get to see Mark today and I didn't get to go to poker and Lai went to her Papa John's house. I miss her. Tonight Mark was strange, like pushing me away. Idk why. My mom went to Foxwoods tonight. She promised me that for my birthday she would take me to Foxwoods and she never did. Yet she went tonight. She says she's "broke" but she just got a new tattoo too.

Idk, I'm tired. Gnight.