Never ending battle.

Why can things never work out as planned? It has to be one thing after the other, and it's never good things. I thought a couple weeks ago that everything was looking up, good things were falling into place, but I guess I was wrong.
After my wonderful u/s I ended up getting bhc all the time and having to go to ER. And after that interview - I never got contacted back. Every month my bank falls into the negatives and I get charged over $30 more for it and every month that money goes into my account it's less than the month before so then every month my bank falls deeper and deeper as well.
We have a baby coming and even though I want to be happy too much is making that feel impossible - also add into the fact I get flashback after flashback of Bennett's pregnancy, the placement, the after effects, and the nightmares.

Right now I just don't even FEEL like being happy. I feel like being happy takes a certain amount of energy which I don't even have and if I did have it I wouldn't want to use it all up in a short burst and then tumble back down to my pit of depression that I'm in tonight. I instinctively want to feel angry because I've always seemed to cover up my sadness, struggles, pain - etc, with anger and frustration. Not that it's been better that way but I don't feel as weak. Being pregnant makes me not want to be angry, mad, or frustrated though - it just makes me want to cry and cry and cry all the time. I could get angry and mad but it won't change anything and it also requires energy - at least without the tumbling back down afterwards though. I just want to cry and sleep forever to forget all of this. I feel it's a never ending battle that I will never get out of.
Sleep please.

Stupid mind - what ifs?

Today I went to breakfast at my favorite restaurant with my dad and Lai, yumyumyum.

We then went to my moms before meeting just about my whole immediate family and add ons (steps and what nots) at the beach. I love the beach but I had to leave because I have very very sensitive ears which truly hurt from the wind. But it was alright being there.

We then came home and I filled out the parental visitation agreement - since Scott "doesn't have the time" to. Basically he will get her every other weekend and every Weds from 4-7. Then I also worked out holidays and such. My mom made dinner for us all - ham, potatoes, and green beans. It was yumyumyum too.

Later on in the night I started getting mentally/emotionally worked up and just plain agitated. This baby is coming fast and I am worried out of my mind. I feel like I NEED this job - but what if I don't get it? What if I don't get a job at all? My dad wants me out of this house and I want out of this house. I need out of this house. Especially with the baby going to be here soon. But we just can't afford it right now. So then I start panicking - I CAN NOT and WILL NOT do adoption, EVER again. I emotionally and mentally would break down and I can't see myself coming back from it. I don't care if it's selfish of me to keep MY OWN CHILD. I don't care what anyone else thinks! But then what? The only other thing I can think of is some type of temporary custody but I am not close enough to anyone to do that. So then that means DCYF placing my child temporarily but what if then they take Lailah too? What if I have to deal with that the rest of my life? I feel like it's my adoption all over again.
Then on the other end of the spectrum there is - what if I DO get that job? What if I get that job and I start working full time and it proves to be too much to my already contracting body? What if I go into preterm labor and LOSE my baby or something happens to him/her for being born far too early? Would I be able to come out of that? I have no idea.

The best case scenario is I get this job and everything goes well with it and the pregnancy. We get an apartment and everything in order and it all works out well.

I'm stressed out, I'm scared, and I just want to be with my babies.

A "Real father" rant.

Complete rant !
I just saw that Scott's mother posted a photo/icon which says,

"A real father takes care of his children without the law telling him he has to."

LOL !!

Scott didn't send child support or anything for the first 2-3 years of his daughters life and ONLY does because I called his commanding officer about him not helping out with his child - who then ordered military child support! Scott also abandoned us THREE TIMES in the span of 2.5 years! First when I was pregnant with us and he decided he wanted to be off with some other female, the second time when he dropped us off at an airport with nothing but a pair of tickets ! Knowing damn well the flight wasn't until 11pm, with no cash or card or any way to feed our 2 year old. The third time was when he left us in a hotel room and told me we had 2 days to leave and my father had to rent a car and drive down 17 hours to pick us up to take us home!!!!
He doesn't send her birthday presents or even a card! Last Christmas he spent 60 bucks on her and that was like pulling teeth! He normally doesn't send her anything for holidays at all!
He comes home once a year and only sees her maybe 3 times out of the time he is here and if I keep her he doesn't even ASK to see her, I have to call HIM, I have to text HIM, I have to initiate it. "Hey, so... are you going to come see your daughter?" "Hey, are you going to see her this weekend?"
Oh and since we are finally going through our divorce, I went to a lawyer. She told me we need to come up with a written schedule which we both agree on, for when we each will have her when he has some custody of her - since he is leaving the military. I called him and explained this to him. He said he was "too busy" to figure it out and that I should just do it. He must not care about when or if he gets his daughter, right? Am I wrong to assume that? If someone really wants something - they find the time, no?!?

Yet, she considers her son a "real father". Bullshit!

Justin is more of a "real father" to Lailah then Scott has ever been !! HE plays games with her, HE encourages good behavior, HE teaches her letters and numbers, HE listens to her, HE reads to her, HE jokes around with her, HE piggybacks her around or carries her on his shoulders, HE thinks of her and gets her little surprises like candy or icecream, HE laughs with her and enjoys being around her ! Is THAT not how a "real father" is? Is that not actually being a pretty damn good dad?

Ugh !


How I want to respond,
"You are SO right. A real father would send his child a birthday card at least. A real father would ask to see his daughter when he's home without having to be contacted first or at least call her via phone or even skype while he's away and she/he is with their mother. A real father wouldn't have a military enforced child support agreement set up by force by his commanding officer because he didn't help out at all for the first 3 years. And a real father certainly would not abandon his child and his/her mother in random places in states 17 hours away from home. But oh, that would mean that your son isn't a 'real father'. Well, fuck."

Imagine, hope, assume - forgive me?

Today I haven't done much of anything at all and I loved it, especially since my little girl is here. :) Never a boring moment with her here.
We woke up, ate, showered, did some kindergarten workbooks, watched a movie, then we took a nap. Now we are eating and waiting for Justin to get home. Pretty dull day but that's okay. :)

Just something on my mind - it really bothers me when firstmoms say "I know I did what was best for my child, I know s/he will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life!" And the answer in my head is - "You know nothing."
Being on the firstmom side of the adoption triad - we can't have any idea what it is like to grow up an adoptee, unless of course we were adopted ourselves.
I can imagine/hope/or even assume - that Bennett will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life but I would only be imagining/hoping/assuming for my own benefit - not his. I would be feeling that way to ease my own pain and guilt of placing him. I have NO idea how his life will be, how he will grow up, if his personality will fit in with his family, if he will or will not feel empty/incomplete/ or completely out of place. He went home with people who were strangers to him. People whose voices he never even heard before. A mother whose heartbeat he never knew to get comforted by. I can not just sit back and assume that any of that was easy for him or that he will simply forget. Assuming any of that again would only be trying to soothe myself from the choice I felt I had to make. He may grow up having everything he needs, getting good grades, getting along perfectly with his family, going to college and making something great of himself one day - and I truly, TRULY hope he does. But then again on the other side of things adoption can and usually DOES, whether we like it or not, affect adopted children. He may have all of that but still feel the empty/incomplete/ or out of place I previously described - and is that living a truly an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life?? I wouldn't think so. I would see that more as trying to pretend and ignoring his own pain from the separation he was forced to endure because of my choice. Whether I felt coerced or not doesn't matter. In the end, I was the one who wasn't strong enough to get on my feet and scream at the world "NO ! I will NOT let you do this to us! I will not let you separate us!" I was weak. I feel I should have been stronger for him, for his sister, and for myself. I should have figured something out. I signed those papers. It was my hand making its way across those pages. My hand, that ink, and those papers - signed his life away from who he truly was. And I want him to forgive me? Ha.

Action packed, emergency filled day!

Last night was a long night. I was getting braxton hicks contractions every 40mins - 1hr1/2. I was a bit worried about that.. I called the doctor and she said to just rest and take in fluids and that if I were in labor there is "nothing" they could do. That really bothered me because I know there are things they can do! Well later on that night going into morning I went to go into the shower like I do every night before bed. I peed, wiped well... stood, everything was fine, I walked over the the shower and opened the curtain when WHOOSH, this fluid came out all down my legs and even reached my feet! I panicked. I went to triage where I sat for 4 hours without being seen by anyone. Then a doctor came in and did some type of pap smear looking for pooling of fluid (which probably dried up within those 4 hours of waiting) and said she couldn't find anything. They said it seemed my water was still intact and they sent me home at 7am this morning. I came home, ate some food, then passed out cuddled up with my little Lailah.

I woke up with Justin around 1:30, he made Lai and I pancakes, then we headed to my moms. I watched the kids for her for a little while then came home to rest before physical therapy.
Physical therapy went okay - my hips seem to be getting a little better already. We mostly just worked on strengthening the surrounding muscles today. I think that last guy literally popping my hips into place last Tuesday did the trick!

On the last note of the day but certaining one of the most important - my little Lailah got her first double ear infection ! :( I had to take her to the walk-in clinic tonight. My poor little baby! I feel so bad, I know how bad ear pain sucks. I have to administer her Acetaminophen every 6 hours for fever and pain relief and the antibiotics 3x a day to kill the infection in her ears. :/ She is not liking this at all! The only good thing for me is lots and lots of cuddles with mommy. :) She's actually lying down and putting herself to bed early, that's when you know she really doesn't feel good! <3

Can my dreams become reality?

This morning I was dreaming about that job. I dreamed that I got an email saying, "Dear Rachael, You've got the job!! This position is open for you, when can you start?!"
Geeze, I really want this job.
I have no idea what I have planned yet today - it's only 10:40 am and I am normally sleeping. I might hang out with my cousin April today after going to my moms to help her either watch the kids so she can take my brother to his senior pics or take my brother to his senior pics. I'll update later.

Okay so today I went to my moms to help her out again. She took my brother to get his Senior pictures done. The daycare time drove me nuts and I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home to take a nap. I'm not going to talk about it! I eventually came home and got Lai to take a nap with me. :) We just woke up and I feel like I'm in a much better mood than I was before. My cousin April yesterday said that we should hang out but I texted her and got nothing back in return so... whatever.

Earlier today driving to my moms I was thinking of this little one inside of me, which flashed me back to my last pregnancy with Bennett. Then obviously the flashbacks of the placement. I then felt very sad and angry. I thought of the guy who got me pregnant and I was mad. I was mad that it ever happened and I was mad that I'm the one who has to feel the pain everyday. I felt like I wanted him to feel this loss and this pain as well. I want him to miss him too - but that is obviously the very farthest thing from what will ever happen. A guy like that? A guy who did that to me? He doesn't give a fuck, not a single care in the world for anyone but himself - not even a little innocent child who he partially created whether I like it or not. Am I alone in feeling this way? I don't want to be the only one who misses him, thinks of him, feels all the pain and torment that I do due to the relinquishment. I didn't want to get pregnant but once I was I wanted him because I knew it wasn't his fault at all, he was innocent in all of it. It just wasn't fair and I feel robbed, none of it was fair.

I've been getting Braxton hicks since 15 weeks. I am now 19 weeks and recently at night I've been getting them pretty frequently - every 40 mins to 2 hours. I told my nurse and she said to keep timing them and make sure they don't get closer together.
I drink a lot of water so I don't believe that's what could be causing it. I do have my history of early labor and I'm really hoping this isn't the start. I'm kind of really worried.
Tonight I was timing them and this is where they were: 8:05, 8:51, 10:27, and 11:19.
I called the on-call doctor out of my concern and she called and said that even if I were in labor there would be 'nothing' they could do about it. So just relax and hope for the best... she said only be concerned if they're every 5-10 mins. I'm really not liking that answer and it really scares me !

I just want our baby to be okay. :/ I can not handle another loss. If I lose this baby I don't know what I will do. :(

Physically in pain, emotionally well.

Not much went on today. Justin had today off but I didn't really get to spend it with him much. We woke up and went to my appt where the nurse administered my injection. It was okay but the after effect (a few hours) was pretty bad and it really hurt. I also talked to her about these braxton hicks contractions that I've been getting every 40 mins to an hour. She seemed a little concerned and asked about my cervical mucus (CM). I told her how it's been different but no blood or color or anything. So she just told me to keep timing them and if they get closer or I get blood or color in my CM then to call them and maybe go to triage to make sure everything is okay. She said that baby moving is a really good sign ! :)

Then we went to my moms house (Justin, Lai, and I). We went over so I could help my mom out with some of her daycare kids. It went fine.. watched them, made them lunch, changed the baby, and put her down for a nap. Easy stuff.

My mom came back around 4pm and I had physical therapy coming up at 5:30. I then went home and took a short hour nap before going to physical therapy. This therapist said my hips keep going back to being unaligned and he actually popped my hips into place! Then we just worked on tightening the muscles in my back again.

I then came home :p then Justin Honey made us spaghetti ! Nomnomnom. lol ! It was yummy.  After eating I helped Lailah practice writing her letters.
Now a quick shower, read Lai her bedtime story, then putting her down for bed.
To end the night I'm gonna watch something on Netflix with Justin before passing out ourselves.