Update - a new stepping stone.

I haven't been posting lately. Mostly because I don't have the time to get around to it. I almost constantly have Noel - 24-7 and he's getting a lot more active now. He is awake a lot more often and seeking my attention. But let's get down to a new entry.
I've been so stressed out and 'struggling' I guess I would say, lately. I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I want to cry often. I get agitated often and I find myself just wanted to escape and run away. Most of the time I take Noel and I nurse him to sleep as we cuddle and nap. It's my only escape. Right now he's playing with his daddy as I - thankfully, have some time to myself to create this entry and maybe get some emotions out of me and into here.
With Bennett's birthday approaching I find myself sad and grieving all over again. It feels like just a couple weeks ago I had lost him. Having Noel here now also shows me everything I missed out on with him. I catch myself thinking things like - I could never have another child. I could never have more than Lailah, Bennett, and Noel. I can't be the mom they deserve. I can barely get myself to function with them alone while I'm down and struggling. I want what is best for them. I try to get up and be everything they need me to be but it's a strain on me. But I guess that's what being a mommy is. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Having Lailah and Noel here with me is a blessing, a complete blessing. Not having Bennett has proved that to me more than anything - that they are my angels.
I don't know what my problem is recently. I don't want to and don't like how I've been feeling. I have an amazing boyfriend, a gorgeous - smart - amazing little girl, an extremely good - happy baby boy, and a family that is becoming more and more supportive over time of my choices and being there for me. I have been forming a new relationship with my little brother and my mom has been a lot more supportive than she's ever been before.
I haven't even been thinking much lately. I remember back when I was outpatient at Butler hospital taking DBT and mindfulness awareness that they mentioned that feelings come from thoughts. I can't understand that because oftentimes I don't hear my thoughts but I still feel uncontrollably down, overwhelmed, and worn out. Sometimes I just want to smoke again so that I can feel how I WANT to feel. I was still a good mom back when I smoked. I actually was probably a better mom.. time didn't exist and all that mattered was spending time with my little Lailah and my boyfriend and being happy. Well, I lie - I also got through Medical Assisting school with a 3.77 GPA out of a 4.0 ! And I successfully completely an externship. So, I accomplished a lot while I was smoking.

Oh speaking of school. I applied to Johnson and Wales University! I am thinking of taking their Counseling Psychology major to get my Masters degree !! Can you imagine that? I would feel so accomplished and proud of myself if I graduated that program and college! I think psychology would be something I would really enjoy learning and eventually doing with my life. Especially knowing that I would be helping others and actually actively making a difference in their lives. My transcripts from my hs were sent over - which were so crappy, a 2.3 GPA... yikes ! But thankfully I have a 3.77 GPA from Sanford Brown that they will hopefully see and approve!! We will see... I really hope I get into this program. It will be about 5 years until I graduate but it will be SO worth it to do. Fingers crossed that I get in and that I get the financially aid and support I need to complete the program.

Midnight rambling

I feel like I haven't wrote in a pretty long time. It's midnight and I should probably be trying to sleep. I have a lot I want to get done tomorrow.
I have a meeting at Lailah's school tomorrow with the Principal because she hasn't been feeling safe in her classroom since the beginning of the year. I got a note home the other day saying a kid but his hands around her neck. WHAT?! Yeah. So, we're going in to talk about that stuff and to ensure that Lailah will NOT be getting hurt in her classroom by other kids anymore. This isn't the first time but I will be pulling her out of that school so fast if it is not the last.
I then have my therapy appointment.... I really don't know how it's been going to tell the truth. I feel like he just says the same fucking thing over and over and over and I want to shout - Yeah, I get it already - I'm not a fucking idiot. -.- It gets really obnoxious for me to feel as if someone is insulting my intellect.
I also want to contact the school board or whereever it is that I need to contact so I can get my transcripts from Sanford Brown since the school closed down. I also want to phone my hs to get my transcripts from there as well or have my brother pick them up for me since he attends there.
Oh, I haven't been on in so long. I want to get the transcripts because I applied to Johnson and Wales University ! I am thinking of taking counseling psychology.

Bullshit.

It's been a few days and I've been increasingly more upset everyday. I want to be able to control how I feel but I just feel as if that's impossible at the moment. I even have suicidal thoughts rolling around in there. But what can I do about it? How can I get them to stop? Everything pretty much sucks. Sure, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. But nobody in this house respects me or even cares about how I feel or what I think.
I could go back to the mental health hospital but that wouldn't do much except get me away from the environment which would be nice but I'd also be away from my kids which would not be nice at all - especially being away from Noel and knowing he's with these people.
I could go back on Meds but then I'd have to end my breastfeeding journey and my heart would be broken and that would probably make me feel more depressed than anything else right now. Because I feel like it's one of the only bonds I have with anybody.
Well what about Justin? I can hear readers thoughts now. Justin has been working pretty long hours. From 11am-8pm but he takes the bus. So really, he leaves at 9am and he doesn't get home til around 11pm. Recently, with the baby, I have been going to bed around 9pm -10 the absolute latest. I wake up at 7 to get Lailah ready for school and I take a nap with Noel from about 8-10 if at all possible. If I don't then I get to see Justin for a half hour before he gets himself ready for work and leaves.
And I love Lailah to death but she's 6. And she can get rather annoying pretty quickly. Especially when she sees me trying to do something. It's like she purposely interrupts me - everything is about her all the time. I know that's not how it really is. I know she doesn't want to upset me. But it does upset me and I've been snapping lately. I hate that I do but I feel like I am under immense amounts of stress and I don't know how to handle it.
Normally I would try to talk to the person or people that I have an issue with and that person would work with me to come to a solution and I wouldn't have too much of an issue. But with my mom - that's not an option. She flips out and gets angry at absolutely anything I say. ANYTHING. I can not try to bargain with her or come to a mutual understanding. She just loses it. She will toss things in my face and she'll threaten me. It doesn't turn out well. I honestly fear that that Lailah's been getting her, "It's all about ME." issue from her. Because in my moms world it is all about her or she will fuck you over and she will not give a fuck. Even with her own children. The only person she seems to really care the most about is my little brother. She pretends to care about and love her husband but she really must not with the amount they fight. She claims she didn't love my dad yet they never fought even half the amount her and her current husband do. Not even close.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I shouldn't have my kids and I shouldn't be putting them through this bullshit. I feel like there's no way out.

What triggered all this? The fact that I receive zero respect from my mom or her husband. Ex: I got cloth diapers and I was prepping them. I had the bamboo inserts in the washer and my moms husband took them out sopping wet and left them ontop of the dryer. My mom claims that he tried to dry them but they wouldn't dry. Yet I washed and dried all my other inserts and diapers and had no issues whatsoever with drying. He didn't try and he didn't give a fuck to either. I told my mom that someone could have told me. She said back, well you weren't home. Yeah and she must have forgotten the fact that I had a cell phone too? Oh except to tell me to put gas in her car and to make sure I do shit for her.

Life sentence

I've apparently suffered more from the adoption of my first son than I even let myself know. Inside of me I feel oddly conflicted in a way. I miss him, of course I do. I love him a lot as well. But in my head I guess I've convinced myself that the child that Liz and Nate have - is not mine. Instead I feel like their child is a clone of my baby and my baby died at birth. Which may be fucked up, but it's how I've somehow mentally protected myself.
I'm mentioning all of this though because of what I've had happen since having Noel. First was the nightmares during my pregnancy where TPR papers were hidden in my discharge papers and then I had my baby torn from my arms and wisped away to 'better suited parents'. Then 6 weeks ago when Noel had to go to the hospital for his bladder/kidney infection, I hallucinated that the paramedics in the ambulance were trying to drug me and take my baby away from me.
But the most recent was today. Today I had to go to court for a ticket - my front plate had fallen off and I got an $85 ticket. I brought my sister with me to watch Noel since I couldn't take him into the courtroom with me but I'm his food source. The courthouse was just right upstairs from where my sister and Noel were but I still managed to have multiple anxiety/panic attacks. They were not pleasant at all, let me tell you. I kept thinking about him and if he was okay. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It was mentally and emotionally hard being away from him. I was in the courtroom for about a half hour or so. The entire time I kept thinking, "What if he's screaming right now? What if he needs me? Would Moe alert the lady at the check in so that she could try to find me to alert me? What if Moe gets frustrated with him, would she get frustrated? Would she shake him? Would she ignore his screaming cries? Would she let him feel abandoned? What would happen if he feels I abandoned him? What if he doesn't cry at all. She's going to keep him in his carseat. OMG if he stays in his carseat it could constrict his breathing. What if he stops breathing? What if he dies in his carseat? What would I do? How would I survive losing him?"
It felt like torture the entire time. I just wanted to run and be with him. When we got home we had some much needed cuddles while he nursed.

Inside of me my common sense is screaming, "This is what adoption has done to you. You now have these fears of losing your child. You will always feel paranoid and have anxiety and there's nothing you can ever do. In adoption there is no healing, no moving forward, and no closure. Life sentence ,without parole."

Who am I really?

How do people get over the past? How does one heal and move forward?
I don't mean ignore or go into denial either. Many believe that that is "moving forward". But it's not. It's more like freezing emotions and storing them away while time ticks forward. Those emotions are never dealt with or acknowledge... at least not until a trigger happens at some point.
How does one learn to live happily? I know that a way to live happily is to live in the moment - in each and every precious moment. But if we all did that we would be living blindly - asking to be harmed, no?
Just remembered a thought that I had once before when I was high - One would need to reach the same place mentally and emotionally, view the past memory, and then consciously shift the perspective. After allowing that to happen one may be able to see it differently enough to accept it and heal.

I really miss being high right now. I miss living in the moment. I miss being able to objectively relive my past and work through it. I miss my brain slowing down enough to the point where I could be WHO I WANT TO BE and not who my past has made me.

I don't want to be some of the things I am but it's really hard to change. And changing also makes me feel depressed and lost - like I have no idea who I am anymore.
I don't want to be reactive and angry but I am sometimes and I don't know how to stop myself from it happening and even if I could - who wants to spend their whole life attempting to prevent themselves from being who they apparently truly are? How fucked up is that?!
I don't want to feel like I need some sort of mental stimulation all the time. I don't know why I feel I need it but I get very agitated without some sort of mental stimulation - reading, the laptop, talking to others, watching videos, you know - things like that.
I want to be able to spend more time with my kids and enjoy playing games with Lailah, reading to her, laughing with her. But I don't. I make myself spend time with her and I make myself do things for her that I wanted done for me as a kid - but the entire time I can't stop wanting to go back to my laptop or reading or even just sleeping my whole life away. What kind of mother does that make me? I can tell you, I feel quite sad myself admitting this.
I don't enjoy life. I feel like I've created my own little world - surrounded myself with stimulation that would help me avoid real life, avoid the emotions and pain that real life suffocates me with. It's so overwhelming - I feel so much anxiety when I try to deal with 'the real life'. I feel so much safer in my own bubble - in my own safe haven. But I WANT to enjoy my life - real life. I want to enjoy my kids, enjoy my justin, and enjoy what my future could hold for me. But I don't. Back when I was getting high - I loved every single day, I loved my life, I loved my kids, I loved spending time with Lailah, and life was quite pleasant.
When I woud get high - Lailah was the greatest most amazing thing I could have ever wanted to be around. This little human who was so full of life, spunky, funny, and extremely entertaining. Stuck in my own world - avoiding life, and then trying to join her little world - becomes very overwhelming and triggers such bad anxiety for me. And I hate it. I hate who I am. I want to be who I WANT to be. Who I created myself to be when I smoked. And I miss it. When I smoked I feel like I was ME. I was my TRUE me - with all guards down - able to live in the real world and function like a proper human being.
Apparently though - that's not the real me. The real me is the woman who has a child still stuck inside her, a woman who is afraid of the real world the surrounds her, a woman who has her guards up so hard that she can't even function properly with her own children and not even for her own self.

I feel sad about who I am and I have no idea how to make these feeling that prevent me from being who I want to be - go away. I've been in therapy my whole life, I've tried so many different mediations, and I aim everyday. But my aim is just a facade and behind it - I'm miserable.

Lonely

I haven't written in a few days. Not really much to talk about I guess. I'm going to be getting my income tax in hopefully around the middle of next week. That's exciting because the money will be extremely helpful. I have some bills that need to be paid off and I need to have my car fixed and inspected. I also need to get some things for the kids and new clothes for myself since I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was would be wonderful. But we will see. Oh, I recently (Tuesday I think it was) chopped all my hair off.
Justin should be getting his return as well. He's going to get me a ring.  :) But idk. I love him to death and I'm so extremely happy with him but it scares me. I want to be with him but I don't want the next steps to change our relationship and certainly don't want it effecting our happiness. I don't want it to feel like we HAVE to be together instead of wanting to be together. Recently he's been staying up late before falling asleep and then getting up early for work. I fall asleep early and then when he gets home he stays up but around the time he's going to sleep- I'm waking up. And it make me feel really sad. The past couple days I've started to feel pretty lonely. I miss him and I feel like him and the kids are all I really have. I know he works all day and he needs sleep but at the same time, I don't want him to get sleep. I want him to spend time with me. I NEED him to spend time with me. And I shouldn't need anything from him. But I do because I feel like I have nothing else. I feel alone and it ultimately makes me sink farther into this depression that I feel is fogged around me daily.  I don't really have friends and my family isn't too much of a family at all.
I should clean the room tomorrow. Wrap Noel to me, clean this room up, and do some laundry. I just haven't really been up to it lately - it feels overwhelming. But if I don't do it, who will? -.-

BPD.

Well, I went and saw that therapist again. I think I'll stick with him for a while. We decided that I need to work on my emotions towards my childhood, how I feel towards my parents, and my borderline personality disorder. I don't really know what I'm expecting - I don't really know the goals for all of this or anything. I just know that I want to feel better and a step towards feeling better is getting the right mental health care.
Yesterday was Lailah's birthday and she is 6 years old!! It's unbelievable. I feel like so much time has passed but at the same time I feel like I just had her not too long ago. I have a 6 year old child. How did that happen!? How did she grow up so fast?! She is amazing. She's a great little person. She's smart, funny, sarcastic, bright, silly, compassionate, understanding, and she strives to be the best person she can be. What more can I ask from her? I love her so much and I can't imagine it being any other way. She's everything to me. I mean, I love Noel too. But the reason I'm still here today and how I was even here to bring Noel here, is because of  her. Because she gave me strength and courage as not only a parent but as a person as well.

In other news, I am pissed off this morning. Why, you ask? Well - last year my dad GAVE my sister and her girlfriend his car. GAVE IT TO THEM. I WORKED for my first car. I worked, I searched for one, and I spent all my money on it. Two years later it broke down and I was pregnant with Bennett and I didn't have a car or even family support. Well, supposedly the car my dad gave to my sister broke down..... my mom GAVE her car to my sister - her BRAND NEW CAR. Last year one of my sisters friends got into an accident in my moms car totaling it. So my mom got a brand new one. She's now GIVING it to my sister and buying a new one. She claims she is not "giving it" to her but that my sister is "working" for it by helping her with her daycare. But my sister is RARELY here helping with the daycare. Definitely not working enough to buy a $20,000+ new car from her. Plus I LIVE HERE, I am ALWAYS here and my mom COULD - well, idk - ASK ME maybe?! But she doesn't. She'd rather give and care more about Moranda and Brian before ever giving a damn about me.

I just WISH I could FEEL that my parents love me even the slightest bit. I wish I could feel like I am cared about and that I mean something to them. I wish I felt that the people that brought me here would feel SOMETHING if I were to be gone from here. But I don't. I don't feel love and I certainly don't feel cared about. I feel like I was a complete unwanted accident that was never wanted to begin with. I feel like I am not supposed to and never was supposed to exist here with them. But I do - and I hate that I do. I wish I didn't. I wish they protected themselves better.
My mom makes me feel like everything is my fault pretty often. She got pregnant with ME and THAT'S why she supposedly got married. Not because she was in love or anything. But because of me. And if it weren't for me then maybe she wouldn't have had to spend her life with a man she really didn't want to and only did for the "sake" of her kids. I wish she had gotten an abortion like her sisters did when they weren't ready for a baby. My mom also tries to tell me bad and negative things about my dad often - which really hurts me because I am A LOT like my dad. But then again, she must know that it hurts me. If I say anything negative about how I feel or whatever she says, "You got that from your father, not from me." She has tried telling me that my dad never loved or cared about me - that he was never around to help her care for us. But I believe that is bullshit. Because I REMEMBER my dad. I don't remember my mom. I remember when my dad taught me to read and write, when he took the time to help me with my homework, when he taught me how to swim, and ride a bike, when he would lay on the grass with me and teach me about the sky and rainbows. I remember when he would sit me up on his lap and do puzzles with me or teach me crosswords and Sudoku. I remember when my dad would play video games with me, laugh with me, and read me a bedtime story every night. I remember that when I was really little he would come over and take the time to try to understand me and accept me. And yeah - as a teenager all that changed and our relationship fell to pieces. But my dad DID love me. He DID care about me. Ask me what I remember about my mom. NOTHING. I don't remember my mom in my life very much at all. I remember her bringing me places - dance, cheerleading, modeling, the hospital, therapists - anywhere she could pawn me off on others with as little communication towards me as possible - at least, that's how it has turned out to feel to me. The only times I remember feeling like my mom really loved me is when I was really hurt and she was concerned about me. And idk if she acted concerned because she really was or if it was to portray to others that she was a good mom. But I don't even care I guess. - Or maybe I do. :( Idk, all I do know is that I'm broken inside due to all this shit. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I didn't ask to be born to parents that didn't want me. I didn't ask to be the child I was. I didn't ask to struggle the way I do. If it were up to me, I'd never had been born and I wouldn't be here today. But unfortunately - I can't go back and miscarry myself.

Borderline personality disorder: Impulsive actions, unstable moods, chaotic relationships.
Intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that lasts a few hours- a day.
Impulsive aggression, self injury, and drug or alcohol abuse.
Feeling: bad, unworthy, unfairly misunderstood/mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are.
Worse when feeling isolate or lacking social support - may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. (video)