Where is my baby?
My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.
There's a version of him somewhere else,
far away I can not cope.
I mourn and grieve through these spells,
To be with him is all I hope.
My baby I had left behind,
A couple strangers as my compromise.
It's not as nature had designed,
One fit for all was not the size.
Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
Lost in time, maybe?
This was their ploy.
My baby is lost but not here or there -
Nor with me or in the skies.
This pain is torture - I just can't bare,
The girl within just waits and cries.
A couple happy as can be,
a baby boy is all they need.
He blossoms and grows for them to see,
a few updates I get for me to read.
This child though is not my own,
a copy of my genes for them to grow.
This crazy situation I undergo.
Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
I can't beg 'save me',
when he's their joy.
My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.
Where is my baby?
I can not cope...
To be with him is my only hope.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Short post
Where are we?
Well, we got food stamps which is extremely helpful. Although, I really hate getting help. It makes me feel weak and I feel judged whenever I take out the card. I wish I didn't need help or any sort of assistance.
I can't wait to start school. I'm so excited. I really just want to pretend like this is my new start and a fresh new chapter for me and my family. By family I mean Justin, Lailah, and Noel. :)
Not much else has really been happening. Recently I made Lailah's teacher Miss B, A blanket. I felt really proud of myself, it came out really well. I loved it. But that's what I spent my time doing.
I don't really know how I'm going to spend my time this summer. All I know is that I want to spend more time being interactive with my kids. Maybe take Lailah and some cards to the beach or the park. Bring Lailah to my moms pool for short visits. I don't know but I'll figure something out. I also need to get this room in order and get all our laundry sorted - it's a disaster. Blah.
I've sort of shut off from a lot of people. I talk to Tom, my family, my parents - sort of, and Tiffany sometimes. Other than that I don't do much. I deleted a ton of people off FB and I left a lot of groups.
Well, we got food stamps which is extremely helpful. Although, I really hate getting help. It makes me feel weak and I feel judged whenever I take out the card. I wish I didn't need help or any sort of assistance.
I can't wait to start school. I'm so excited. I really just want to pretend like this is my new start and a fresh new chapter for me and my family. By family I mean Justin, Lailah, and Noel. :)
Not much else has really been happening. Recently I made Lailah's teacher Miss B, A blanket. I felt really proud of myself, it came out really well. I loved it. But that's what I spent my time doing.
I don't really know how I'm going to spend my time this summer. All I know is that I want to spend more time being interactive with my kids. Maybe take Lailah and some cards to the beach or the park. Bring Lailah to my moms pool for short visits. I don't know but I'll figure something out. I also need to get this room in order and get all our laundry sorted - it's a disaster. Blah.
I've sort of shut off from a lot of people. I talk to Tom, my family, my parents - sort of, and Tiffany sometimes. Other than that I don't do much. I deleted a ton of people off FB and I left a lot of groups.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Where we are at now.
A little bit of catch up shall we...
I applied for some jobs and I got a call back last Weds for a job as an HBTS. I was really excited at first and was thrilled to receive the call. The woman was going to schedule me for an interview but then hesitated and said she had to speak to the scheduling supervisor first and that she would email me. But she never emailed me. She said to me that if the supervisor approved the interview would be on this Tuesday - today. Over the next few days and weekend I didn't get my hopes up about the job.
Yesterday I got a call from Johnson and Wales - the college I want to attend. It was the financial advisor.. She told me that I have a full financial aid package and that I don't have to pay anything. So, I got really excited and thrilled to hear that. That means that school can be my way into a brighter future. Yeah, it'll be 5 years for me to get my Masters degree, but the past 6 years since I've had Lailah have FLOWN by. So I know I can do this. Then last night around 3-3:30 the interview woman called me and left me a message saying she didn't have my resume or anything but that she was going to confirm the interview for today at 9am.
My head started spinning with thoughts like this:
How am I going to go to school full time, go to work part time, and see my babies? How am I going to get any homework done? How am I going to pump that much milk while being gone all day? Is money worth not seeing my children?
I started having major anxiety. I decided to call two people that I trust the most besides Justin. First I called and talked to Tom and heard what he thoughts, then I called my Aunt Cindy and heard what she had to say, and I decided that I was going to make school my priority.
So here we are. We're living at my dads and I'm hoping Justin gets a better job or he gets promoted to manager at McDonalds. They did raise his pay to $8.35 supposedly. But that's not really helpful at all.
My dad let us use his food stamps for food, so I went shopping and grabbed a bunch of things for the whole house.
I like being here at my dads a whoolllleee lot more than being at my moms. Although, I've always liked my dad more than my mom. My dad has hurt me in the past but he's not as emotionally or mentally or verbally abusive as my mom is. He doesn't make me feel suicidal or like hurting myself to cope with the pain.
Summer is here and I am hoping to get out of the house a lot more. Although, Lailah doesn't get out of school until the 19th. Maybe I can talk my dad into a lot of beach trips - that way I'm not wasting gas.
In lighter news, my baby girl is almost out of kindergarten. I am so proud of her. I can't believe how big she's gotten and how intelligent she is. She is literally the most perfect child I could ask for. She's a great big sister and she's an amazing listener, she has a huge heart and an intelligent mind. She's an awesome little person. I can't wait to see the person she grows into one day and everyday I am to steer her in the right direction to be the best person she can become. Noel is wonderful. He's growing so fast. He's pretty advanced I think, for his age. He's doing so much. For more on them you can check out the blogs I have for them.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
In other news - Amazing littles and ENGAGED !!
In other news. Lailah is almost done with Kindergarten ! She's done so extremely well and I am so proud of her! She is also losing her first tooth, although, it's not wiggly enough to come out yet.
Noel has learned to sit up all on his own already! At 5 months old! He also has his very first tooth coming in! Lol, out with one tooth, in with the other! So funny!
Justin and I are doing great. Really solid relationship I believe. We communicate well and he's just perfect for me. He proposed !! We are engaged and I couldn't be any happier ! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody else. He's my light in the tunnel that gives me hope and courage to keep moving forward. He's my rock who keeps me grounded and safe. He's so much to me and I love him so much.
I've survived.
I've survived.
These past two months have felt like I've been living in Hell on Earth. Seriously. It has been emotional and mental hell.
Hit over and over again.
My sister being an asshole. Wham.
Bennett's birthday. Wham.
My family going on the cruise and everything that happened with that. Wham, wham, wham.
Mothers day. Wham!
My mother being a cunt. Double wham!
Leaving my mothers house, bouncing around others homes, and finally landing back at my dads house. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAMWHAMWHAM.
Jeeze, you'd think I'd be able to catch a break but nope.
So, in my last post I ended off with talking about the cruise and the daycare. Mothers day was approaching the following day. So here goes:
The sad thing about Mothers day - besides not having Bennett with me, was that I went to get my mom a card and unfortunately I couldn't find anything that wouldn't have made me a liar to buy. She was never there for me, never listened to me, never hugged me, never cared for me, nor has she ever been supportive or kind to me. She's everything I aim not to be as a mother. So, that really sucked because I felt obligated to get her a card or something or else I'd have had to hear it nonstop from her. I'd have been attacked by her, my sister, and my brother. I didn't want to deal with it.
Fast forward to the Monday after Mother's day - almost 2 weeks ago. I had an appointment to go to and my mom was supposed to watch Noel for me as I attended my appointment that was only a half hour long. But she wasn't home. Moe was home but I didn't feel comfortable leaving Noel with her so I didn't go. When my mom got home I attempted to talk to her about it but she claimed that she told me she had a doctors appt which she did not tell me it was at the same time as mine - and that she felt Moe could just watch him anyhow. I told her I did not feel comfortable with Moe watching him since I didn't like the way she was with children at all. She overheard me from the other room - which I didn't even know she was in. She texted my mom threatening her that if I didn't go downstairs then she was leaving and no longer helping her with the daycare because I wasn't supposed to be there during daycare hours. So my mom started freaking out - mostly on me. I was hungry and I had gone upstairs to eat which is when I caught my mom for the conversation.
So, I ended up calling 211 and got us put on the family shelter list.
So - fast forward to the next Thursday I got a call from a shelter that is 25 minutes away. I told her I would have to talk to my family and call her back (Justin and Lailah).
Fast forward to Saturday - My mom came downstairs "asking" (demanding) that I go and watch a daycare kid because she "emotionally don't feel well". I asked her why, she told me that she got caught by the state withholding abuse information about her husbands ex which placed his kids in a dangerous situation. So they stripped her of her daycare license since she is required by law to report any and all abusive situations immediately. Which she failed to do until it was convenient for her (she wanted to take custody of her husbands other 2 kids to spite the mother).
Anyways...
So noon passed and 1pm, 2pm, 3pm - Lailah went upstairs multiple times knocking on the door telling my mom she's hungry and thirsty and to let her in but my mom would not let her in, even though she was sitting right inside the kitchen on the other side of the door.
So I decided that was the final straw and I packed up our things and we left. I had no idea where we were going but we left. My dad came over and he helped us pack our things into the car and then he took us for lunch/dinner because we were starving!
I ended up driving an hour away to go stay at my aunt Cindy and uncle Mikes house. They are the nicest people I know. I love my aunt Cindy more than she knows, I think. She really listens to me, gets me, understands me - you know? I feel like she really is the only person (besides Justin) who truly tries to understand me and cares for me. It means the world to me. I really hope she knows that. I keep telling her but I don't know how much she really believes me. I appreciate it and I appreciate her.
So we stayed with them for one night and then we moved on into Justin's Adads house.
We stayed there the past week.
We called back the shelter on Monday in attempt to go there but they told us we had to get Background checks done. So we went and got them but Justin's pat court shit was on his record even though he was found Not Guilty. So we were told we had to get it expunged. We went to the courthouse to do that and he got a court date to go to and it's $100 to get it cleared. WTF.
Now we are at my dads house, moved back in.
The next steps are for me to get a job and work towards getting the necessary scholarships for school in fall. I HAVE to do this.
I really want to attempt to get the job back that I had 3 years ago as a home based therapist working with children who have behavioral and mental health struggles. It pays well. The only problem with that is that they only have 15 hour a week cases, which would mean that I would need to take on 2 cases and I don't know if they do that. Because daycare assistance requires 20 hours of work a week. And we wouldn't be able to afford to pay someone for daycare when it would be more than half the money that I'm making. It would be pointless.
So, I guess we'll see..... I'll report back when I know more.
These past two months have felt like I've been living in Hell on Earth. Seriously. It has been emotional and mental hell.
Hit over and over again.
My sister being an asshole. Wham.
Bennett's birthday. Wham.
My family going on the cruise and everything that happened with that. Wham, wham, wham.
Mothers day. Wham!
My mother being a cunt. Double wham!
Leaving my mothers house, bouncing around others homes, and finally landing back at my dads house. WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAMWHAMWHAM.
Jeeze, you'd think I'd be able to catch a break but nope.
So, in my last post I ended off with talking about the cruise and the daycare. Mothers day was approaching the following day. So here goes:
The sad thing about Mothers day - besides not having Bennett with me, was that I went to get my mom a card and unfortunately I couldn't find anything that wouldn't have made me a liar to buy. She was never there for me, never listened to me, never hugged me, never cared for me, nor has she ever been supportive or kind to me. She's everything I aim not to be as a mother. So, that really sucked because I felt obligated to get her a card or something or else I'd have had to hear it nonstop from her. I'd have been attacked by her, my sister, and my brother. I didn't want to deal with it.
Fast forward to the Monday after Mother's day - almost 2 weeks ago. I had an appointment to go to and my mom was supposed to watch Noel for me as I attended my appointment that was only a half hour long. But she wasn't home. Moe was home but I didn't feel comfortable leaving Noel with her so I didn't go. When my mom got home I attempted to talk to her about it but she claimed that she told me she had a doctors appt which she did not tell me it was at the same time as mine - and that she felt Moe could just watch him anyhow. I told her I did not feel comfortable with Moe watching him since I didn't like the way she was with children at all. She overheard me from the other room - which I didn't even know she was in. She texted my mom threatening her that if I didn't go downstairs then she was leaving and no longer helping her with the daycare because I wasn't supposed to be there during daycare hours. So my mom started freaking out - mostly on me. I was hungry and I had gone upstairs to eat which is when I caught my mom for the conversation.
So, I ended up calling 211 and got us put on the family shelter list.
So - fast forward to the next Thursday I got a call from a shelter that is 25 minutes away. I told her I would have to talk to my family and call her back (Justin and Lailah).
Fast forward to Saturday - My mom came downstairs "asking" (demanding) that I go and watch a daycare kid because she "emotionally don't feel well". I asked her why, she told me that she got caught by the state withholding abuse information about her husbands ex which placed his kids in a dangerous situation. So they stripped her of her daycare license since she is required by law to report any and all abusive situations immediately. Which she failed to do until it was convenient for her (she wanted to take custody of her husbands other 2 kids to spite the mother).
Anyways...
So, I said, "Welcome to my world."
and she said, "I wish I had your life, it's so EASY!"
And I said, "You have no idea what my life is like or how I feel because you don't care to. You don't care to know me or talk to me or understand me. I struggle a lot emotionally and mentally and you don't even care."
So she went off like a firecracker! Screaming, "Nevermind! I don't want your help! You only ever care about yourself! Everything is always about you! Who cares about anyone else because you're selfish! You only care about you! You won't even help or care about your own mother!"As she ran upstairs and locked all of the doors. -.-
So noon passed and 1pm, 2pm, 3pm - Lailah went upstairs multiple times knocking on the door telling my mom she's hungry and thirsty and to let her in but my mom would not let her in, even though she was sitting right inside the kitchen on the other side of the door.
So I decided that was the final straw and I packed up our things and we left. I had no idea where we were going but we left. My dad came over and he helped us pack our things into the car and then he took us for lunch/dinner because we were starving!
I ended up driving an hour away to go stay at my aunt Cindy and uncle Mikes house. They are the nicest people I know. I love my aunt Cindy more than she knows, I think. She really listens to me, gets me, understands me - you know? I feel like she really is the only person (besides Justin) who truly tries to understand me and cares for me. It means the world to me. I really hope she knows that. I keep telling her but I don't know how much she really believes me. I appreciate it and I appreciate her.
So we stayed with them for one night and then we moved on into Justin's Adads house.
We stayed there the past week.
We called back the shelter on Monday in attempt to go there but they told us we had to get Background checks done. So we went and got them but Justin's pat court shit was on his record even though he was found Not Guilty. So we were told we had to get it expunged. We went to the courthouse to do that and he got a court date to go to and it's $100 to get it cleared. WTF.
Now we are at my dads house, moved back in.
The next steps are for me to get a job and work towards getting the necessary scholarships for school in fall. I HAVE to do this.
I really want to attempt to get the job back that I had 3 years ago as a home based therapist working with children who have behavioral and mental health struggles. It pays well. The only problem with that is that they only have 15 hour a week cases, which would mean that I would need to take on 2 cases and I don't know if they do that. Because daycare assistance requires 20 hours of work a week. And we wouldn't be able to afford to pay someone for daycare when it would be more than half the money that I'm making. It would be pointless.
So, I guess we'll see..... I'll report back when I know more.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I need a boat
I've built up this wall. This wall that surrounds everything internal and precious to me - my sanity, my humanity, my existence, my life. I built up this wall in the center of my little island in which I live on, knowing about the harsh storms and rising tides on the outer edges of my floating rock of land. Over the past decade the storms have been very harsh, threatening - and the tide has closed in. I just built my walls higher and thicker. Things seemed to have settled down and worry faded away. Happiness and joy was all that flooded in until I recently checked out of my watchtower and noticed that my island is smaller than ever and only my wall and the water outside it exist. My walls are being threatened in the worst way. The water could continue rising and the inevitable will be the result - I will drown. I don't have any boats - I never prepared for this, I never knew how bad this was going to get. I thought I took all necessary precautions within reason. I call out -- I just need someone to help me build a boat. I need hope and guidance. Where do I go from here?
Saturday, May 10, 2014
I crumbled.
Tomorrow is mothers day. I should feel happy and blessed and all that wonderful stuff. But all I can think of is about how I don't have all my children with me. Bennett is with his aparents and I just wish I could see him and hug him again. But I can't.
I've really been struggling recently. Last Friday was awful. I was in complete breakdown mode. I had these thoughts that just wouldn't let up on attacking me and emotions that overwhelmed me more than I could handle in one day. I was texting Justin and just completely broke down. I wasn't feeling very safe at all. I was even about to go sign myself into Butler (mental) hospital for some assistance with coping. Justin left work and came home to get me through the day.
I ended up smoking a couple times over the past couple days. I needed something to help me through all these emotions and struggles. I even had a couple drinks on Friday night while I went out to play cards.
I still am struggling. I feel so down.
When I first smoked I felt a bit paranoid. I went and sat in my moms bed (because for some reason I relate safety to my mom) with Justin and Noel, then Lailah came up and she cuddled me and I stroked her hair and Noel was laying on his belly looking up at me babbling away and I just broke down crying. I felt so entirely blessed to have them in my life. I felt like having them was complete and pure happiness and in that moment I got to just live and breathe them with everything else feeling non-existent. It didn't matter where we were or who else was around. It was as if they were all I could see, breathe, and know. And in that moment I felt like I was in heaven as complete happiness overwhelmed me. I just smiled and cried and cried while holding my little ones. If that makes me a bad mother, so be it.
Tonight Liz sent me a mothers day video with pictures of Bennett. It was sweet. It literally made me cry. I tried to have an open conversation with her but I guess I overwhelmed her because she stopped responding. I really wish I could ask to meet him. To fly down there and be able to spend a day with him, laughing and hugging him. I wish I could be around him again. But I know he doesn't know me and it would problem be weird and frightening for him. Blah. Why is this so difficult and stupid?
I have so much more to say but the baby is getting fussy so I have to cut this short to tend to him. But next time, hopefully I'll be able to get more out.
Here's the video. And here's our convo:
I've really been struggling recently. Last Friday was awful. I was in complete breakdown mode. I had these thoughts that just wouldn't let up on attacking me and emotions that overwhelmed me more than I could handle in one day. I was texting Justin and just completely broke down. I wasn't feeling very safe at all. I was even about to go sign myself into Butler (mental) hospital for some assistance with coping. Justin left work and came home to get me through the day.
I ended up smoking a couple times over the past couple days. I needed something to help me through all these emotions and struggles. I even had a couple drinks on Friday night while I went out to play cards.
I still am struggling. I feel so down.
When I first smoked I felt a bit paranoid. I went and sat in my moms bed (because for some reason I relate safety to my mom) with Justin and Noel, then Lailah came up and she cuddled me and I stroked her hair and Noel was laying on his belly looking up at me babbling away and I just broke down crying. I felt so entirely blessed to have them in my life. I felt like having them was complete and pure happiness and in that moment I got to just live and breathe them with everything else feeling non-existent. It didn't matter where we were or who else was around. It was as if they were all I could see, breathe, and know. And in that moment I felt like I was in heaven as complete happiness overwhelmed me. I just smiled and cried and cried while holding my little ones. If that makes me a bad mother, so be it.
Tonight Liz sent me a mothers day video with pictures of Bennett. It was sweet. It literally made me cry. I tried to have an open conversation with her but I guess I overwhelmed her because she stopped responding. I really wish I could ask to meet him. To fly down there and be able to spend a day with him, laughing and hugging him. I wish I could be around him again. But I know he doesn't know me and it would problem be weird and frightening for him. Blah. Why is this so difficult and stupid?
I have so much more to say but the baby is getting fussy so I have to cut this short to tend to him. But next time, hopefully I'll be able to get more out.
Here's the video. And here's our convo:
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