Where I'm at now.

lolllll - Just checked my last post to see where I was at. Well - didn't win powerball :P
But I'm not doing so bad. I am still waiting on that job. I called yesterday and I was told that they've sent a reference paper to the company I had the same position at 4 years ago. Not sure what that means but I'm guessing maybe they can't get in touch with the woman who was previously my supervisor. So - I'm still waiting. But it's not so bad because we got our income tax returns in and so we're not financially drowning. It takes some of the pressure off.
Recently I've just been going out to play cards a couple times a week at night, crocheting, and really working hard on my parenting. I'm doing a "crochet along" online which is pretty fun. They give "clues" each Tuesday and everyone who is participating crochets what the clues are. So far I'm working on clue 3. As for my parenting. I'm working REALLY hard on two things - NOT yelling, ALLOWING Lailah to express her emotion in safe manners, AND actively helping her through her emotions letting her know that emotions are normal and actually healthy to get out in appropriate manners. The yelling thing has been a bit difficult for me; especially when I'm feeling very stressed out - but I'm getting there. The allowing emotions thing was an extremely HUGE trigger for me before I started this and it's still a trigger but just not as big anymore. I LIKE being able to help her through her emotions and I can feel her trusting me more and bonding with me more and I LOVE that. It's well worth the discomfort it triggers in me at first. When I break through it and I sit with her on my lap and stroke her hair and listen to her emotions and struggle and work with her through them I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to become the parent I've always truly wanted to be. I'm working on it really hard for the sake of my children. So that they can turn out to be healthy and amazing adults one day and not an individual like me who struggles with who she is. I want them to be able to access their highest potential easier than I ever could. <3
We went to the Museum of Science in Boston last week. It was quite the adventure. We got almost to the train station when my car got a flat tire. My road side assistance couldn't find our location so we had to call the state police. Then Lailah, Noel, and myself had to ride in the back of a police cruiser to get off the highway - we got dropped off at a gas station. Justin rode with another officer and also got dropped off at the gas station. And my dad got a ride with the tow truck and he went with the tow guy to go get another tire to put on my car. That took about 3 hours. -.- After that we finally got to the train station only to find out that the tracks were iced over on the line we needed and so the trains weren't running and we had to catch two buses to get to another train line which brought us to the Museum. By the time we got there it was already 4:30pm and they closed at 7pm. But the kids had a lot of fun anyhow. Noel loved running around and exploring all the neat things they had there and Lailah just loves being there anyhow. It was a lot of fun even though we didn't get to spend a lot of time there. We then had to catch the buses back and after we got back to my car I drove to a restaurant because we were all starving since we hadn't eaten all day (besides Noel lol who still nurses off me).

Oh and we went and got Justin's wedding band ordered yesterday at the mall! I think we will tie the knot this year in August. :) Our relationship is doing really really well and I can't imagine being with anyone else - ever.

On another note - I miss Bennett. I've recently read an article and watched some videos about toddler that can remember being in their mothers womb. The tots describe hearing their parents voices, seeing light being shone on the belly, hearing their mothers heartbeat, and the swushing noises made by the placenta. I found that so incredible but at the same time completely heartbreaking for me. Bennett more than likely remembered me too and didn't know where I went and if I would ever be back and that tortures me inside. If I could go back in time I would have figured something else out and have taken a different path; if I knew everything I know now. I often feel stupid and pathetic and incredibly weak because I listened to what everyone told me about adoption. Because I believed them when they told me that it was what was best for him. I only ever wanted to protect him and I felt like that was the only way that I could show that I honestly wanted what was best for him. At the time I wasn't capable of thinking, "Maybe what's best for him is ME." "Maybe he wouldn't want this". I was so bombarded with others telling me what it would be like and how to think and feel. It's no excuse. I was weak. I should have figured something out.

So yeah - that's where I stand right now. Just waiting to get this job hopefully and then see where things will go from there.

Power ball! It would be a dream come true

So far - no jobs still yet. But we're making due. I went to a job interview on Jan 29th, the interviewer - Holly, said to give it 2 weeks for a call back. It's been 1 week so far so I'm still waiting an hoping to get this job. The position is HBTS - working with children and their families. I've done this job in the past and I enjoyed it; plus it's good pay. I really hope I can get this position. 

That is, of course, unless I win power ball tonight. Last night I bought 3 powerball tickets - the drawing is tonight around 11pm. Last night I was day dreaming about what I would do with the powerball money if I were to win. My biggest goal I would want to meet using the money would be to help as many people as I possibly could. I would want to help keep families intact and prevent financially struggling mothers from placing their child to be adopted. I would want to help people who are homeless get on their feet (the ones who are really serious about it). I say really serious about it because I would want to help people who truly want to be helped and not just given handouts. I'm okay with giving the foot up to create positive results in other peoples lives - that's exactly what I would want to do. I would help my parents and the people who've been there for me in my life the most. I would buy a house, a new car, and put money aside for college - the kids and my own and Justin's if he would like. I would go back to school to become a neurologist. There is so much I would want to do, accomplish, and help others do and accomplish too! 

I know it's a long shot but the way I look at it is - I have the same chances as everyone else in the world. We all have equal footing. Right? :P

It would be a dream come true and not only for me but for many other people too. I would make sure of that!

I've really been working hard on my peaceful parenting with Lailah. I didn't yell in days - until today. I yelled after Lailah was yelling at me and I just snapped. I HATE being yelled at and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but I did. It's in the past now. I'm sort of over it because in the past I've always yelled and while yelling I've shamed out of impulse due to how my mother always talked to me as a child. But today I didn't shame. I just yelled at her to stop yelling at me and that I wouldn't want to help her if she yelled at me. So, I feel that I've come a long way with that. I've also been actively working with Justin on his parenting as well. For him he struggles with setting firm, loving, clear boundaries. He gets upset and feels like Lailah is being mean to him and he shuts down and doesn't know how to respond. For me I am working on not impulse responding and instead empathizing, validating emotions, offering assistance through emotions, and then offering solutions and problem solving so that she could learn through her learning moment which happens right after a situation occurs. We're not perfect but we're doing our best. 

Ohhh and back to the whole powerball wishes. I was fantasizing about what I would do with the money and I had a couple thoughts of which people wouldn't probably like. I had the thought that I would want to give Liz and Nate two options:
1. Accept me into their family. Let me move close by. Let me be around Bennett, babysit him, spend time with him, spend Christmas and other holidays together, allow me to go to his Birthday Parties. 

OR

2. I would bring them to court to fight to get custody back of him - I would bring proof that it would be in his best interest as adoptees have a higher risk of suicide and suicide attempts, that adoptees struggle with the primal wound, that he would have his original birth certificate back, that he would have his true identity back, and that he would have his family intact. I would explain the mental and emotional coercion that I experienced during my pregnancy with him due to my financial situation and what I had recently gone through at that time. I would fight tooth and nail to restore our family
And if all else failed at least he would know that I fought for him. That I truly did the best I could to get him back into my life/or family. 

I also had the thought to go to my ex therapists place of work and offer the hospital money to fire him and not rehire him. Because he's such a jackass therapist. I called the hospital and spoke to the man in charge of the therapists and told him why I was leaving and not returning to see my therapist and then my therapist went out of his way to send me mail saying that I have been thrown out of the practice. Definition of asshole. 

These are the two "evil" things I would probably do with the money. Otherwise, it would all be what I feel are "good".  

Also, I had a dream about Bennett the other day. I was with him, spending time with him. His amom and adad were divorced and his adad was with another woman. They let me have visits and spend time with him. But the woman wasn't a very kind woman and she had very naughty children due to her lack of parenting skills and I feared for Bennett. When I woke up I wondered if my brain was trying to comfort me in a very odd way by letting me know that at least he is loved and cared for, even if I can't be there for him. </3 

One day, one step, one moment at a time.

Where am I standing at now?

Well currently Justin and I don't have a job. He was laid off after Christmas from UPS.
But I have applied at a couple places for HBTS positions. My moms step sons have a therapist who was talking to me and gave me the references of the places he works for and put in good words with me with the hiring managers. Today he told my mom that I should call the hr for one of the companies on Tuesday and that she had said she wants to give me an interview. If I get this job it would be so awesome and such a relief! It's good pay and if Justin would be able to get a job too we would be golden. We would be able to save money and hopefully get our own place next year.

My plan is to save money for a year until next years income tax return then use the money for a deposit on a house and for the first few months of rent so that I could open up a home daycare. :D That would be awesome if I could do that.
I want to take the classes I need to take throughout this year if I can and take my CPR course at my moms. Get everything I need.

I'm trying so hard to keep my head up, try to be positive, and just keep trucking forward everyday with what I have. I thankfully have my father who has been amazing lately and has helped us out tremendously. He's given us a place to live and has helped me with my car insurance the past few months. He's been a savior. Literally. My dad has not been the best person in my life growing up but he's certainly done everything he could in my adult years to make up for who he was and how he treated me. He's really turned himself around and I really respect that about him. He's been able to say he's sorry and ask for forgiveness and be there for me when I need him. Although, not so much emotionally - he really sucks at that. But he's been there to make sure we don't go homeless, without a vehicle, or without food. He's really been a huge help.

I've fought myself out of the pit of depression and despair that I was in. I've won that battle against the overwhelming sadness and suicidal thoughts. I've been talking with my higher self a lot more lately and I feel so happy that I can hear her and talk with her. She is so helpful to me. She is pretty withdrawn and due to talking with her so often I've been more withdrawn as well but I'm not suicidal so I'll take it.

I'm doing the best I can with what I have every day.

I do want to be a better mom to Lailah. Her attitude lately is a huge trigger for me. I don't even know how to handle it to be honest. I know it's probably common for her age but it really drives me nuts.

So, I just asked the Peaceful Parenting group I'm a part of for advice and they gave me a super amazing link with suggestions that I'm going to try out and see how it goes. This will be difficult but well worth it in the long run. <3

What is driving me?

So, the holidays came and went. Christmas actually went well this year and I felt "happy". It was short lived, but I felt it nonetheless. I have so much going on within myself. I feel like I still just don't know about anything ever.
I feel like my relationship with Justin is on the rocks. I can't help but to feel so annoyed with him the majority of the time. He seems to always think about and put himself first and it's starting to get to me. He's a great guy in general, don't get me wrong. He is an amazing father, he's caring, understanding, and compassionate. He really is great. But this is something I just can't keep ignoring. He's lost my wallet at a store and I'm lucky it wasn't stolen. He's put a coat full of oil in our laundry and ruined shirts of mine and clothes of the kids. I cold go on and on. And sure, these seem like small problems - that is until they happen ALL THE TIME. Then they drive me fucking nuts.
Tom and I - I don't even know. Since a while back where he cut off contact for me for about a month things have never been the same. We talked the other day though and hopefully will continue communication to keep our friendship healthy. Although, I really doubt we will be moving to where he or or him move here. I just feel that it will never actually happen, even though he keeps telling me it will. I've stopped hoping for it and I will just have to accept that he will always just be on "online friend". Which I hate. But, whatever.
Let's rewind to last Friday when Justin got a call from UPS where he got a seasonal job at this year - they told him to meet the driver he had been working with at the same time and location he always did to pick up his check. Except the driver never showed. We were there for a half hour and nothing. Now fast forward to today and UPS hasn't called him at all and they haven't answered or responded back to his calls to receive his check - OH and the fact apparently he's already been laid off after telling him he would be working well into January. Awesome. -.-
Now he's jobless - but for the very first time he actually was ontop of his situation without me hoarding ontop of him telling him what to do and he got himself an interview for Monday at Olive Garden - so we will see where he/we stand/s then.
I feel so stressed out and sad nearly all the time. And I would go back to work if I felt I could trust anyone with Noel but I truly feel I can't. Especially since he's currently hitting and headbutting - I can just imagine daycare providers locking him into highchairs and making him sit there all day long like my mother does to kids she deems "bad". Hitting and headbutting are not "good" behaviors. But it's the growth period he is in right now. All children hit and use their bodies to display their emotions - it's completely normal and they just need redirection - not punishment. I would rather be in poverty than to risk his mental, emotional, and psychological health.

As for me: I'm just trying not to commit suicide and say "Fuck all of this".
I've been trying my hardest to imagine what those actions of mine would do to the kids. If I am afraid to even leave them with a daycare for a short period of time - what would a fostercare or fosterfamily do to him potentially? Maybe if I knew mostly good stories from fostercare or about fosterfamilies - but I don't. All the ones I know are shitty ones. People fucking suck.

I've thought hard about what to do and I'm just hoping that Justin is able to get a job in which we could at least rent a house or a bottom floor where a landlord would let me open a home daycare. If we could do that I feel we would then be able to own our own home one day and save money for our children and live a decent life. It's a hope and it's the only thing driving me forward right now.

Life wasn't made for people like me.

I don't know what to do. I feel like this is always what I have to say - I have no fucking clue what to do or where to go or how to get by in life.
How do we even remotely try to rent a place or buy our own home without a good income and how do we get a good income to be able to do that?!
I apparently can't go to school.... so out goes the possibility of a decent income for me.
Justin may be able to get a job with my dads friend John as an apprentice plasterer at the beginning of next year but that is still up in the air and it would start at around 10$ hr my dad said but that's still not enough to really live off of.
If only we could get a home then I could potentially open up a home daycare and then we would have things taken care of. But how can we do that without having an income first?
I feel like I'm drowning under water and that we will never be able to get on our feet.

I would work at the webcam modeling like I had started but I have "no one" to watch Noel. And I put it like that because technically I have my mom but I don't trust her anymore. I had brought Noel over there and she left him for an hour; in the highchair; in the kitchen, alone, to cry until he fell asleep. No way. I would rather be in poverty than to put my sons psychological health in harms way. My friend Sara offered to watch him for me but then I attempted to work and she was calling and messaging me not even an hour later asking me to go get him because he was crying and wouldn't stop. So that isn't even a possibility.
Justin is currently working for UPS but it's only a temp seasonal position.

Idk, I feel like giving up most days. I feel like life is impossible. I'm poor and broke - life wasn't made for people like me. I can't even sell crochet stuff without jumping through hoops to get licensed and everything.. you need to be able to spend money to attempt to make any money.. how do you do that if you don't have money to begin with?

Extremely depressed.

I haven't written in a while.
I've been so extremely stressed out lately and also pretty depressed. I feel like I'm suffocating nearly all the time. I can't get enough air in my lungs to even function... to even WANT to function.
I started the webcam job - I made a bit over $300 my first 2 weeks of working which was about 12 hours of work. Which wasn't even much "work" at all. I want to continue this job but I have nobody to care for Noel as I do. I at first was taking him to my moms but I don't trust her with him anymore. The last time I brought him over there and picked him up she told me she wouldn't let him play in the dog water so she locked him in the highchair and let him cry in the kitchen alone until he fell asleep. Clearly, I don't feel this is acceptable - nobody should. So, now I don't have anyone.
I also attempted my 'friend' Sara but as soon as Noel started crying she asked me to go pick him up. So I had to ditch my room which had about 10 tippers in it. :( I could have potentially made SO much money that day.
Justin recently started working at night with UPS but it's only a seasonal job. So.. temporarily he has a job but I don't think it will pay all of our bills.
We're so poor our cell phones have been shut off for the past month or so.

I also am not going to school because of the whole financial aid issue. Apparently, I can't be covered for the full years that I need to attend to get licensed as a professional. So, that idea flew right out the window.

My next idea is possibly opening a home daycare... no idea how that would go though. But my thought is that if my mother could do it I certainly can..

I want to move too. Move out of RI - even if it's just for a while. I REALLY want to move closer to Bennett but I don't think his parents would like that at all... I would probably ask before ever moving closer to him... well meaning - his state. I also want to be closer to Tom... he's my best friend and I feel like I could really use him around me. Use meaning being around him could help me emotionally and mentally.

I've been feeling so unstable lately. So many suicide idealizations. I just feel like giving up a lot lately. I think about it all the time. I think about how I would go about it all to get to the point where I could kill myself. If I were to take away all the things that give me reason to live it would be easy to also rid of myself. If I left Justin, if I found better suited homes to care for the kids, if I broke off my friendship with Tom - then I would be able to go quite easily. And some days I feel so tempted to start this plan because I feel things will never get better. Things will never change.

I can't care for my kids. I brought them here selfishly and I can't even care for them. I can't even take care of myself. We don't have a home, we don't have a lot of stuff. I can't even function the way I want to on most days. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I don't even want to be a mom anymore half the time. I just want to give up. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I want to have hope - I want to believe that things can get better. But I have no reason to believe that.

Small update on life.

Things have been rough lately. I've been in and out of depression. I keep trying my hardest to not allow myself to fall into that pit of despair but it happens anyway. I want to be strong but some days I just don't know how. The feelings overwhelm me and I just don't know what to do. How can I release the emotion and pain in a healthy way before I blow up and can't handle it anymore?
Right now the biggest issue is that we are struggling so bad financially. Justin has been applying to different jobs - he has an interview on Monday at a call center type job, I hope it pays well and I hope he gets hired... that would help us out tremendously.
So, I've run into an issue with school. Apparently, financial aid won't cover the full years of schooling that is required in order for me to get a job after graduating. I NEED my masters in the field of Psychology... but financial aid will only cover MAYBE up to my bachelors. I looked at other career options at the school but the only one I'm even remotely interested in is Criminal Justice which I'm completely unsure if I want to do that at all. Also, I was told that financial aid will only cover night classes.. if I take night classes then I will just about never see Lailah and I don't believe I can handle that.
I think I should just do like my dad said and get a full time job along with Justin and just get our own apartment - maybe Tom will move here to move in with us and that could help us out. Who knows..
Idk anymore... I just don't know.