Life resuming back to normal

 I haven’t updated in a while. 

Things have been good. Life is pretty much back to normal, although covid is still present and there’s a new strain called delta. I have been able to resume back to playing poker though so that’s been fun! I won the other night. Justin and my relationship has been great- I feel like we’re closest that we’ve been in years. Our baby was born - he’s 10 months old and we did end up naming him Emrys Phoenix. We (the kids and I) got through distance learning and the return to school wearing masks. Noel had a rough time with one of his teachers though, I filed a complaint against her and moved his classroom to another teacher. He also started seeing a therapist - through FaceTime (virtual appointments). 

I’ve spent a lot of my time lately crocheting, caring for the kids, and attending poker with my mom. But otherwise, I still haven’t gotten out of the house too much.

I currently have a head cold but I was tested for covid and it came back negative, thankfully. 

Not much else to report in on. Until next time… 

Pandemic continues, no response from Liz, and life is a nightmare

We’re getting into the thick of it, this pandemic that is - SARS-COV-2, the disease brings COVID -19.  277 new cases today since yesterday in my state of R.I. alone. 8 new deaths and one guy was in his 20s. It’s getting really scary. I haven’t left my house, except to go grocery shopping twice, in about a month now. It’s projected that the cases will continue to get worse and won’t hit its peak until mid May - a whole month + from now. Scary scary virus and scary scary times. The grocery stores are nearly empty especially the ice cream and frozen breakfast section for some reason, completely empty.
I tried to text Liz, telling her that I cared about them and hope they’re staying safe and healthy but I got no response back. Go figure, right?

I’m just barely hanging on. We’ve (the kids and I) been doing distant learning online for about 3 weeks, going on 4 weeks soon. It’s been going... I’ve been overwhelmed. 

I did make the baby a blanket. We paid for something called “sneak peak” which tells gender results based on a home finger pricked blood test. Supposedly if they pick up the Y chromosome in the blood you’re having a boy and if it’s not detected then you’re having a girl. The chromosome was detected in my boy so I got the BOY result! Justin and I decided on naming him Emrys Phoenix. He’s started moving to where I can feel it the past couple weeks  💕 

My pregnancy so far is going well but we’re in the middle of this pandemic which is really causing a lot of fear and anxiety. I have my anatomy ultrasound in 3 weeks and I have to go in alone to it, no visitors or guests are allowed due to the virus. I can’t even convey how scared I am. 85% of the time I wish I could hit my vape to handle the amount of fear and panic I consistently feel but I know it’s not the healthiest choice for the baby so I’ve been avoiding. 

Today was a very stressful day so I wish I could today really bad, but I haven’t. The landlord tested blowing up our phones being a bitch about the mattresses outside our house telling us they need to go ASAP - even though the state isn’t taking them due to the virus... where does she expect they go?! Ugh. And then Sara - Justin’s sister who is living with us temporarily and for the past month refuses to pay rent as long as she’s bringing Justin to work. That’s $400 she’s refusing to pay us that we should be getting. I lowered it to $200 to take off what she’s paying in rent and she said it was unfair and if she had to pay it then she no longer was bringing or picking up Justin from work. Fucking bitch. So I’m angry and feeling used about that. And the only reason she’s even taking him to work and home is because our engine and transmission went on our van about a week ago and my cousin who was taking Justin to work and home moved to ct. I feel like it’s the LEAST she could do - is take him to work while she stays here, alongside paying rent. But clearly she thinks differently so I’m gonna draft a contract that she needs to pay us $500 a month and my mom is going to help with Justin’s rides until we can get the van fixed which will take a couple of weeks. 

Life feels like a nightmare right now but the good news is is that my med is working so I don’t feel like dying, and I got approved for disability. It’ll be helpful a lot. 

Tomorrow I plan on doing a fun activity with the kids - blowing colored bubbles onto paper, once Noel finishes his schoolwork online. I hope and believe they will enjoy it. 

Well, it’s getting late and I’ve got to get these littles in bed. Til another time ... 

Coronavirus pandemic

Since I’ve last posted we’ve had to go into self isolation/quarantine as part of a country wide social distancing practice. We are in the middle of a pandemic - The Coronavirus -aka- Covid-19. It’s very scary to leave our homes to do anything, even grocery shop. All of the schools are closed so we are doing distant learning, aka homeschooling with teacher directive through online programs such as google classroom and google hangouts. There’s not much on the shelves at the grocery stores because people have already gone out and panic bought everything they could off the shelves - especially toilet paper and bread.
I’ve survived the first day of distant learning here at home with the older two littles, Lailah and Noel. Noel learned all day about the Savanna, the animals, the ecosystem, and he did some math as well. Lailah learned a variety of subjects that are typical for 6th grade. Thea was a bit stressful because she wanted them to play and wanted my attention often and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t have either of what she wanted as much as she wanted it.
Otherwise, so far - things are going alright. Sara, Justin’s sister moved in last week but then quickly became ill with something so she’s out at the hospital trapped there without visitors, as the hospitals aren’t allowing any and they’re pretty much on lockdown.
My pregnancy is progressing well, I’m 14 weeks. I’ve been cramping the last couple of days but I think it’s because I went grocery shopping the other day. Otherwise I’m feeling alright. We don’t have many boy names but I think we’ve agreed on the name Auralea for a girl. The only boy name that’s on my mind currently is Leander so we will see. I was very disappointed and sad yesterday since I had to cancel our 4D gender ultrasound. But it’s not worth it to potentially get this pretty severe virus that’s going around.
The only really good news is that the new Animal Crossing game came out for the Switch and I was able to get it. Now during any spare time I have I’ll have something to do.

Haven't posted in a long while.

Wow, I haven't written in a long while.
You know what that means right... I've been struggling.
I ended up getting scammed by Sujai Johnson of the Gentle Parents Unite group for a lot of money which really hurt me and caused me to lose a lot of faith in others and in myself. I pulled away from the internet a lot since then and I've been mostly just battling with my depression and taking care of my home and family. I broke up with my other partner, Brad, which I am not having any issues with, I'm glad I did, it wasn't a good fit.
Justin and I started trying for our last baby soon after Christmas last year and we got pregnant very first try so we are expecting our last little baby, I am currently about 9 weeks pregnant.
Other than that I don't have too much to add. I am still hoping to return to school after this baby is born and ages a bit to the age I feel safe enough to leave him or her. Unless I take night classes I guess because I would always feel comfortable leaving baby at home with Justin.
Not much else to add... I really just came on here to add a note to Bennett and maybe update Althea's blog as well.
Ah, I'll also add that I have finally finished applying for disability, for my depression/anxiety/etc. I'll know if I get approved within the next 4 months or so... only time will tell..
I feel so completely useless and worthless "needing" disability for us to get by. But I know working right now is not good for my mental or emotional health whatsoever. I will one day feel better, I know I will, but for now, I'm just trying to care for my children and stay alive at the same time.

I have a vision for the future.

I've been up and I've been down.
Things have been all over the place. A couple weeks ago Althea had a seizure, it was very scary, but thankfully she's ok because it was just a febrile seizure. But that really brought about a lot of anxiety within me.
I had a dream last week where I had gone to see Bennett, I was driving down to SC to see him - unapproved. People were trying to stop me but I didn't care, I just wanted to see him, watch him, and know that he was healthy and safe from afar. Creepily. I couldn't help it. I needed to see him with my own eyes, which I haven't in almost 8 years. :(
Since then, I've been battling days where it's really hard to leave bed, my body is just so extremely heavy, and I'm beyond exhausted. But I'm doing what I can.
I also started training for a new job called The Nan Project. It's a suicide prevention agency - non profit organization that has peer mentorship in high schools throughout MA, as well as other meetings about suicide awareness and bringing mental health awareness to others. I feel that this is an important part of my journey.

Recently, I've been finding my purpose. I believe I'm here to help my generation and the newer generations access more adequate information on raising children. Information on brain development, parenting strategies that benefit the actively growing brain, beneficial therapeutic interaction that helps parents teach coping skills, emotional recognition, and emotional regulation to their children. As well as implementing programs that bring more resources to parents from the moment they find they're expecting to 18 years of age. The programs I have in mind focus on baby items, clothing items, and toys that are in a donate/ borrow type system, as well as doula partnerships, midwifery partnerships, gentle parenting coaching partnerships, postnatal mother support services - cleaning, childcare, food planning, grocery shopping, all for no cost to the new parents in low income communities. This is my vision that I will begin to work towards and hopefully the proper avenues will continue to open for me. The Nan Project as well as work with the Gentle Parenting group owner on FB Sujai, who is a parenting coach, are my starting point at this time. I hope to be able to find and use all the resources they are able to offer me on bringing my vision to fruition.

I have a lot of work to do.

Man, things have been tough.
Thankfully, our landlord has been understanding and she's allowing us to pay her back slowly, a little extra rent each month until we're caught up. Justin still hasn't found a job yet. We have very little cash, our bank is in the negatives, and we're struggling.
Silver lining - our relationship is in a much much better place. Justin finally understands completely how hard it is for me here at home caring for the kids, household, bills, and everything else. He's been being open, honest, and communicating well with me lately - I appreciate it a lot. I really do love him but I don't want secrets or lying by omission anymore. I want us together fully knowing and accepting one another. Sex has been great. Intimacy is wonderful. He's been so loving and caring. He's helped me so much the past month and a half. He's really trying hard to understand my mental and emotional health too, and that's important to me, so I really appreciate it.

In other news, I believe that adoption trauma came up the past week or so. I'm just starting to feel like I can function again. I felt wiped tf out for like a week or two. I felt like crying every day but couldn't get it out, I felt down and depressed, it felt so hard to just get out of bed and function. My house fell apart again. But keep in mind that we also don't have oil, our house is freezing, and the cold hurts my body really bad. :( We also have a lot going on... so maybe it's situational... but I really do think that my adoption trauma stuff has made it harder because once I labeled it, it felt like it resonated and I started processing it. This is around the same time 8 years ago when I had given up on myself and contacted the adoption agency and started the process of losing Bennett. The memories have also been flashing into my head berating me lately. I've tried blocking them out but I think that I have to meet them and just sit with them, they're obviously coming up because I've blocked them out and shoved them down for so long, right??

Today is Lailah's birthday, she's 11. I can not believe I have an 11 year old. Time seems to be speeding up the older I get. Lately, I've really been trying to invest more time into my littles, spend as much time with them as I can, make memories with them, get to know them, figure out their likes, dislikes, triggers, and coping skills that work with them best. This is what I want to do with my life. I am here to help raise the next generation and I have a lot of work to do.

Speaking of what I'm here to do. I've also scheduled a training in March to become a suicide prevention peer worker. I'll be going to events, schools and meetings, telling my personal story about my life and battle with mental health, as well as helping to problem solve to help fix our system and save more people. I feel like this is perfect for me, part of exactly what I'm here to do, and again - I have a lot of work to do.

Well, it's 8:30 am, I'm still tired so I'm going to head back to bed snuggling my babies up tight until we head to my moms later for Lailah's birthday. <3

Having faith.

I'm writing again, it's healthy for me to write and recently I'm feeling really stressed and emotionally overwhelmed. I'm trying to focus on keeping my mind in a healthier state so that I don't make anything worse.
It's been super helpful for me lately though that Tom has been back in my life and connected to me. I missed him so much and I finally feel loved and appreciated again. It took a while for us to get back to this place and he seems to really enjoy it too. He sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had a dream where I died and that it made dream him cry and cry and cry. He said that dream him couldn't handle the existence without dream me in it, it was a crushing feeling. He then said.

"I know it was just a dream but I want you to know that I really love who you are and I'm super grateful you're a (mostly) daily occurrence in my life and I treasure our friendship and connection. Idk if I'd feel the exact same way I did in my dream but you're really important to me and I don't want to ever lose you."

I love him so much. I really think we're soul mates or something and that we're just not meant to be together intimately this life cycle or something. But I'm so extremely glad he is in my life. He loves me, cares about me, and emotionally/mentally is encouraging and supportive. I don't ever want to lose him either. I don't ever want to imagine what my life would be like without him.

SO anyway, currently in life gah. I'm trying to remain calm and not panic. Other than Tom, I've been smoking bud frequently, and taking time to use coping skills (paint, shower, journal, scroll facebook, play a game, watch a show, etc).
We only have $300 in the bank and Justin lost his job yesterday. :( He got fired for forgetting a fridge on the work truck. :( His ADD is really really severe, he has a lot of trouble with his memory, especially if he's under stress. I'm trying really hard to get him to see a psychiatrist and try medication but he's had to reschedule a couple times already. But I see that he's trying and that's what matters.
We've been working on our marriage and I really want things to improve between us because I do love him and we fit together well when we are both actively trying. He's an incredible dad and he's so patient and loving. He has triggers and struggles but I do too. He's an amazing guy otherwise.

I have to go down and apply for WIC and Food stamps on Monday or something.
Justin called the landlord and explained to her our situation, thankfully she seemed understanding about it and asked us to just keep her updated if there were any changes and to call again next week if not. That was a relief.

Idk, I think the meds I'm on are really helping me just have faith and trust the universe, the ultimate consciousness, or whatever ultimate God there is out there. I've been putting time into thinking about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I'm not sure what I believe exactly. But I do believe there's spiritual realms, angels, and reincarnation. That's based on my own personal experiences though and outside of that, I really have no idea. I have trouble believing the bible because it was written by men and if the bible were written in modern times nobody would believe it.

Anyways, I'm coping. I'm managing. Worse comes to worse we have to move back in with my dad... that's something at least, and we would pick ourselves back up soon enough.