Today I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Today, I am having a rough day... really I've been having a tough time for a couple months now. And yet, I've been avoiding.
I've been avoiding so well that I can pull on a smile, function decently throughout the day, and convince others that I'm doing "well."
Yet, at the same time I am panicking inside. I am worried about my mental health and I'm worried about my baby that I'm pregnant with.
Some days are really hard for me emotionally and mentally.
Some days I just want to be allowed to be "not okay".
I don't want others to try to "fix" me, remind me what I should feel grateful for, or tell me it'll get better.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, but right now it's not, right now I'm not.
I am struggling and I wish I just had the support that it's okay to struggle, that I have that support to keep me safe in the meantime - while I'm allowed to feel, while I'm allowed to break down, and while I'm okay to feel sad. To watch over me so that I know that although in this state I don't feel safe, that others will help keep me safe and while I can't trust me, at least I can trust them.

I miss Bennett a lot today. I'm not sure why, but it's hit me out of nowhere. I've been avoiding Liz and although, it sort of helps me stay stable to avoid her, I can't do it for too long without becoming unstable because I don't know how he is. Although, I believe he's just fine and he's doing well with them still, I think about him, I feel immense guilt, shame, and I miss him so incredibly much.
I'm angry that everything in my life happened the way they did regarding him. I'm angry that he's not here.
I think this pregnancy is triggering a lot of this, because this baby is due the day before he was born and that feels so hard. I keep hoping and praying for a girl because idk what I will do if this baby is a boy... it's too much. I'm scared and it hurts. None of this is this baby's fault but sometimes it's so overwhelming that I find myself thinking that I don't want this baby at all - which isn't true, because I do and I already love this baby but I can't help associate Bennett with this baby and I don't know how to disconnect it.
I tell everyone that I don't want ultrasounds or doppler because it's safest for the baby to avoid them, but that's half truth. I can't bare accepting this baby.
Really, what's happening is that I'm still grieving Bennett.
over 6 years has passed and I'm still not okay. Sure, my grieving isn't daily, but it still comes in waves and it still makes me feel like I'm drowning, like the waves keep slamming into me and I worry that I might not survive. This time, I think I will, but it still hurts. My lungs are raw, my heart is heavy, I feel weak and I just want it to be okay that I am not okay. I miss him, I miss him so much. And I'm angry. I am angry at myself, I'm angry at my assaulter, I'm angry at everyone who wasn't there for me and didn't help me, I'm angry at my mom for making me feel so worthless as a human and as a mother, I'm angry that I was so vulnerable and weak. I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm still hurting.

Grief comes in waves and today I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let it suck me under.

Inner Demons

They say don't let them in, close your eyes and clear your thoughts again.
But when I'm all alone, they show up on their own.
Cuz inner demons fight their battles with fire, inner demons don't play by the rules.
They say just push them down, just fight them harder... why would you give up on it so soon?
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting.
Angels, don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons they are there, they just keep fighting.
Cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So angels, please, hear my prayer, life is pain, life's not fair.
So angels, please, please stay here, take the pain, take the fear.
They say it won't be hard.
But they can't see the battles in my heart.
But when I turn away, the demons seem to stay.
Cuz inner demons don't play well with angels, they cheat and lie, and steal and break and bruise.
Angels, please protect me from these rebels, this is a battle I don't want to lose.
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting, angels don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons they are there, they just keep fighting.
Cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting, angels don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons, they are there, they just keep fighting, cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So, angels please, hear my prayer, life is pain, life's not fair, so angels please, please stay here, take the pain, take the fear. <3

-Julia Brennan

Honestly how I feel such a large majority of the time in my life.