I have an incredible little girl

Last night I was in a mood from hell. I was cranky, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I needed to fall apart. I took a bath, which didn’t help. I then decided I would sleep in the kids room alone (they sleep in my room and everyone bed shares).

Once Lailah (10) realized that I wasn’t sleeping in my room she began to panic and cry. Which upset me (wrongfully so, but emotions can be so irrational) because I was already in a tough mood. I was in their room and tears just started flowing and my nose got stuffed and ran everywhere, I needed some tissues. So I went in my room to grab the box of tissues and Lailah was still freaking out. I ended up yelling out that not everything is about her and that I have the right to have a hard time and take care of myself when I need to, then I slammed the door. I obviously was acting like a child - impulsive, emotional, out of control, self centered, etc. I went back in their room and cried some more. And of course reflected on my behavior.

 I fought back and forth in my mind on which way to go - how to handle this - what is the “best” way. But I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. Some people would say that leaving it like that isn’t right, that my child would feel disconnected, at fault, guilt and shame, etc - and I knew she was crying alone, having a hard time too. Others would say that calling her in to me, telling her - explaining to her what was going on would cause my child to feel as if “fixing me” was her responsibility, that her feelings didn’t matter and mine did, that she would feel insignificant or as if she had to fulfill the “parental role”. I reflected on this for some time. Feeling like these were my only two options.

 I ended up deciding that her crying alone was worse for her so I called her in to lay with me. Snuggled up in her twin sized bed together she asked me what was wrong. The tears started flowing again and I told her, “I really miss your brother and I’m having a hard time with his birthday coming up and your sister isn’t born yet and it’s hard.”
She responded, “That must be horrible for you, because you love him and you want to be in his life and know him and you can’t.”
I said back, “I wish I could know him, I miss him so much.”
She started stroking my arm and saying, “I know mommy, sometimes in life, things happen that we don’t like and sometimes things come up that are hard and we wish they wouldn’t but there’s nothing we can do about them but deal with them.”
I said, “I wish I knew how to deal with them.”
She responded, “You are, you’re crying and it’s ok to cry. Everyone cries sometimes, and you’re allowed to cry mommy, it’s ok, you can cry.”
After a pause and more contemplating, I told her that I asked Liz to know Bennett and that she ignored me. Lailah responded by continuing to be loving, empathetic, kind, and supportive.
“I know that must be difficult. You want to know him and be in his life, you love him and miss him and that’s hard.”
I told her, “I love all of you, all my babies, and its really hard for me not having one of you here with me.”
Still stroking my arm she said, “I know mommy, I know, it’s going to be ok”
I continued falling apart, “I wish I was stronger, that I somehow found a way to keep him with us, that none of this ever happened.”
She responded back “Mommy, you did the best you could do, what you felt you could do, and that’s all you could do. You do your best in the situation you’re in and that’s what you did. And it’s ok to feel sad about that.”
I continued crying and she continued rubbing my arm and snuggling up to me until we fell asleep.

 Now - most would probably see that she felt obligated to “parent” me. But I see this as my amazing, incredible little girl being who she is. Kind, loving, caring, supportive. And this isn’t just a “parenting” technique. She will use these qualities and traits throughout her life - with friends, with partners, and hopefully with herself as well. She held space for me, she supported me, and through it she loved me. And to be honest I don’t think anyone else could have been as supportive toward me as she was. Maybe I was wrong, but leaving her alone in the other room crying, feeling at fault for how I felt, feeling ignored, feeling disconnected and cast aside - wasn’t right either.

Struggling with mood, feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

I’m struggling with my mood lately.
I’m so cranky and angry at the world. It feels like depression is trying so hard to creep in and set up a tent in my subconscious mind. I’m trying hard not to let. But in the process I feel so angry.
Maybe the depression has set up camp- and the anger is my defense mechanism to prevent me from hating myself and feeling incredibly sad all the time.
All I know is that I’m feeling so extremely moody. I want to scream and cry and I’m avoiding the horrible thoughts for now - but I’m not too proud of the thoughts I get in the meantime but they’re better than the alternative.
Mostly they’re about hating other humans, hating the world, feeling cast out, feeling excluded, feeling disconnected- etc.
I *should* be feeling certain ways - excited, proud, whatever else - for the birth of my new daughter soon. But I’m not. I dread it. I’m feeling defeated, I’m feeling neglected, I’m feeling hurt, I’m feeling as if I mean nothing more than the baby and giving birth. All too familiar feelings.
I know I will love this baby with all I am. Nothing could ever change that. I’ll be the best mother I can be and I’ll continuously aim to be better - to do better, to evolve as a mother and person. My kids are my whole life. And honestly - they’re all I am. They love and care about me more than anyone else ever possibly could.
What I know and how I feel are completely different things.
And what I feel is quite overwhelming.