I've been up and I've been down.
Things have been all over the place. A couple weeks ago Althea had a seizure, it was very scary, but thankfully she's ok because it was just a febrile seizure. But that really brought about a lot of anxiety within me.
I had a dream last week where I had gone to see Bennett, I was driving down to SC to see him - unapproved. People were trying to stop me but I didn't care, I just wanted to see him, watch him, and know that he was healthy and safe from afar. Creepily. I couldn't help it. I needed to see him with my own eyes, which I haven't in almost 8 years. :(
Since then, I've been battling days where it's really hard to leave bed, my body is just so extremely heavy, and I'm beyond exhausted. But I'm doing what I can.
I also started training for a new job called The Nan Project. It's a suicide prevention agency - non profit organization that has peer mentorship in high schools throughout MA, as well as other meetings about suicide awareness and bringing mental health awareness to others. I feel that this is an important part of my journey.
Recently, I've been finding my purpose. I believe I'm here to help my generation and the newer generations access more adequate information on raising children. Information on brain development, parenting strategies that benefit the actively growing brain, beneficial therapeutic interaction that helps parents teach coping skills, emotional recognition, and emotional regulation to their children. As well as implementing programs that bring more resources to parents from the moment they find they're expecting to 18 years of age. The programs I have in mind focus on baby items, clothing items, and toys that are in a donate/ borrow type system, as well as doula partnerships, midwifery partnerships, gentle parenting coaching partnerships, postnatal mother support services - cleaning, childcare, food planning, grocery shopping, all for no cost to the new parents in low income communities. This is my vision that I will begin to work towards and hopefully the proper avenues will continue to open for me. The Nan Project as well as work with the Gentle Parenting group owner on FB Sujai, who is a parenting coach, are my starting point at this time. I hope to be able to find and use all the resources they are able to offer me on bringing my vision to fruition.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Sunday, February 10, 2019
I have a lot of work to do.
Man, things have been tough.
Thankfully, our landlord has been understanding and she's allowing us to pay her back slowly, a little extra rent each month until we're caught up. Justin still hasn't found a job yet. We have very little cash, our bank is in the negatives, and we're struggling.
Silver lining - our relationship is in a much much better place. Justin finally understands completely how hard it is for me here at home caring for the kids, household, bills, and everything else. He's been being open, honest, and communicating well with me lately - I appreciate it a lot. I really do love him but I don't want secrets or lying by omission anymore. I want us together fully knowing and accepting one another. Sex has been great. Intimacy is wonderful. He's been so loving and caring. He's helped me so much the past month and a half. He's really trying hard to understand my mental and emotional health too, and that's important to me, so I really appreciate it.
In other news, I believe that adoption trauma came up the past week or so. I'm just starting to feel like I can function again. I felt wiped tf out for like a week or two. I felt like crying every day but couldn't get it out, I felt down and depressed, it felt so hard to just get out of bed and function. My house fell apart again. But keep in mind that we also don't have oil, our house is freezing, and the cold hurts my body really bad. :( We also have a lot going on... so maybe it's situational... but I really do think that my adoption trauma stuff has made it harder because once I labeled it, it felt like it resonated and I started processing it. This is around the same time 8 years ago when I had given up on myself and contacted the adoption agency and started the process of losing Bennett. The memories have also been flashing into my head berating me lately. I've tried blocking them out but I think that I have to meet them and just sit with them, they're obviously coming up because I've blocked them out and shoved them down for so long, right??
Today is Lailah's birthday, she's 11. I can not believe I have an 11 year old. Time seems to be speeding up the older I get. Lately, I've really been trying to invest more time into my littles, spend as much time with them as I can, make memories with them, get to know them, figure out their likes, dislikes, triggers, and coping skills that work with them best. This is what I want to do with my life. I am here to help raise the next generation and I have a lot of work to do.
Speaking of what I'm here to do. I've also scheduled a training in March to become a suicide prevention peer worker. I'll be going to events, schools and meetings, telling my personal story about my life and battle with mental health, as well as helping to problem solve to help fix our system and save more people. I feel like this is perfect for me, part of exactly what I'm here to do, and again - I have a lot of work to do.
Well, it's 8:30 am, I'm still tired so I'm going to head back to bed snuggling my babies up tight until we head to my moms later for Lailah's birthday. <3
Thankfully, our landlord has been understanding and she's allowing us to pay her back slowly, a little extra rent each month until we're caught up. Justin still hasn't found a job yet. We have very little cash, our bank is in the negatives, and we're struggling.
Silver lining - our relationship is in a much much better place. Justin finally understands completely how hard it is for me here at home caring for the kids, household, bills, and everything else. He's been being open, honest, and communicating well with me lately - I appreciate it a lot. I really do love him but I don't want secrets or lying by omission anymore. I want us together fully knowing and accepting one another. Sex has been great. Intimacy is wonderful. He's been so loving and caring. He's helped me so much the past month and a half. He's really trying hard to understand my mental and emotional health too, and that's important to me, so I really appreciate it.
In other news, I believe that adoption trauma came up the past week or so. I'm just starting to feel like I can function again. I felt wiped tf out for like a week or two. I felt like crying every day but couldn't get it out, I felt down and depressed, it felt so hard to just get out of bed and function. My house fell apart again. But keep in mind that we also don't have oil, our house is freezing, and the cold hurts my body really bad. :( We also have a lot going on... so maybe it's situational... but I really do think that my adoption trauma stuff has made it harder because once I labeled it, it felt like it resonated and I started processing it. This is around the same time 8 years ago when I had given up on myself and contacted the adoption agency and started the process of losing Bennett. The memories have also been flashing into my head berating me lately. I've tried blocking them out but I think that I have to meet them and just sit with them, they're obviously coming up because I've blocked them out and shoved them down for so long, right??
Today is Lailah's birthday, she's 11. I can not believe I have an 11 year old. Time seems to be speeding up the older I get. Lately, I've really been trying to invest more time into my littles, spend as much time with them as I can, make memories with them, get to know them, figure out their likes, dislikes, triggers, and coping skills that work with them best. This is what I want to do with my life. I am here to help raise the next generation and I have a lot of work to do.
Speaking of what I'm here to do. I've also scheduled a training in March to become a suicide prevention peer worker. I'll be going to events, schools and meetings, telling my personal story about my life and battle with mental health, as well as helping to problem solve to help fix our system and save more people. I feel like this is perfect for me, part of exactly what I'm here to do, and again - I have a lot of work to do.
Well, it's 8:30 am, I'm still tired so I'm going to head back to bed snuggling my babies up tight until we head to my moms later for Lailah's birthday. <3
Friday, January 4, 2019
Having faith.
I'm writing again, it's healthy for me to write and recently I'm feeling really stressed and emotionally overwhelmed. I'm trying to focus on keeping my mind in a healthier state so that I don't make anything worse.
It's been super helpful for me lately though that Tom has been back in my life and connected to me. I missed him so much and I finally feel loved and appreciated again. It took a while for us to get back to this place and he seems to really enjoy it too. He sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had a dream where I died and that it made dream him cry and cry and cry. He said that dream him couldn't handle the existence without dream me in it, it was a crushing feeling. He then said.
SO anyway, currently in life gah. I'm trying to remain calm and not panic. Other than Tom, I've been smoking bud frequently, and taking time to use coping skills (paint, shower, journal, scroll facebook, play a game, watch a show, etc).
We only have $300 in the bank and Justin lost his job yesterday. :( He got fired for forgetting a fridge on the work truck. :( His ADD is really really severe, he has a lot of trouble with his memory, especially if he's under stress. I'm trying really hard to get him to see a psychiatrist and try medication but he's had to reschedule a couple times already. But I see that he's trying and that's what matters.
We've been working on our marriage and I really want things to improve between us because I do love him and we fit together well when we are both actively trying. He's an incredible dad and he's so patient and loving. He has triggers and struggles but I do too. He's an amazing guy otherwise.
I have to go down and apply for WIC and Food stamps on Monday or something.
Justin called the landlord and explained to her our situation, thankfully she seemed understanding about it and asked us to just keep her updated if there were any changes and to call again next week if not. That was a relief.
Idk, I think the meds I'm on are really helping me just have faith and trust the universe, the ultimate consciousness, or whatever ultimate God there is out there. I've been putting time into thinking about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I'm not sure what I believe exactly. But I do believe there's spiritual realms, angels, and reincarnation. That's based on my own personal experiences though and outside of that, I really have no idea. I have trouble believing the bible because it was written by men and if the bible were written in modern times nobody would believe it.
Anyways, I'm coping. I'm managing. Worse comes to worse we have to move back in with my dad... that's something at least, and we would pick ourselves back up soon enough.
It's been super helpful for me lately though that Tom has been back in my life and connected to me. I missed him so much and I finally feel loved and appreciated again. It took a while for us to get back to this place and he seems to really enjoy it too. He sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had a dream where I died and that it made dream him cry and cry and cry. He said that dream him couldn't handle the existence without dream me in it, it was a crushing feeling. He then said.
"I know it was just a dream but I want you to know that I really love who you are and I'm super grateful you're a (mostly) daily occurrence in my life and I treasure our friendship and connection. Idk if I'd feel the exact same way I did in my dream but you're really important to me and I don't want to ever lose you."I love him so much. I really think we're soul mates or something and that we're just not meant to be together intimately this life cycle or something. But I'm so extremely glad he is in my life. He loves me, cares about me, and emotionally/mentally is encouraging and supportive. I don't ever want to lose him either. I don't ever want to imagine what my life would be like without him.
SO anyway, currently in life gah. I'm trying to remain calm and not panic. Other than Tom, I've been smoking bud frequently, and taking time to use coping skills (paint, shower, journal, scroll facebook, play a game, watch a show, etc).
We only have $300 in the bank and Justin lost his job yesterday. :( He got fired for forgetting a fridge on the work truck. :( His ADD is really really severe, he has a lot of trouble with his memory, especially if he's under stress. I'm trying really hard to get him to see a psychiatrist and try medication but he's had to reschedule a couple times already. But I see that he's trying and that's what matters.
We've been working on our marriage and I really want things to improve between us because I do love him and we fit together well when we are both actively trying. He's an incredible dad and he's so patient and loving. He has triggers and struggles but I do too. He's an amazing guy otherwise.
I have to go down and apply for WIC and Food stamps on Monday or something.
Justin called the landlord and explained to her our situation, thankfully she seemed understanding about it and asked us to just keep her updated if there were any changes and to call again next week if not. That was a relief.
Idk, I think the meds I'm on are really helping me just have faith and trust the universe, the ultimate consciousness, or whatever ultimate God there is out there. I've been putting time into thinking about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I'm not sure what I believe exactly. But I do believe there's spiritual realms, angels, and reincarnation. That's based on my own personal experiences though and outside of that, I really have no idea. I have trouble believing the bible because it was written by men and if the bible were written in modern times nobody would believe it.
Anyways, I'm coping. I'm managing. Worse comes to worse we have to move back in with my dad... that's something at least, and we would pick ourselves back up soon enough.
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