It's been super helpful for me lately though that Tom has been back in my life and connected to me. I missed him so much and I finally feel loved and appreciated again. It took a while for us to get back to this place and he seems to really enjoy it too. He sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had a dream where I died and that it made dream him cry and cry and cry. He said that dream him couldn't handle the existence without dream me in it, it was a crushing feeling. He then said.
"I know it was just a dream but I want you to know that I really love who you are and I'm super grateful you're a (mostly) daily occurrence in my life and I treasure our friendship and connection. Idk if I'd feel the exact same way I did in my dream but you're really important to me and I don't want to ever lose you."I love him so much. I really think we're soul mates or something and that we're just not meant to be together intimately this life cycle or something. But I'm so extremely glad he is in my life. He loves me, cares about me, and emotionally/mentally is encouraging and supportive. I don't ever want to lose him either. I don't ever want to imagine what my life would be like without him.
SO anyway, currently in life gah. I'm trying to remain calm and not panic. Other than Tom, I've been smoking bud frequently, and taking time to use coping skills (paint, shower, journal, scroll facebook, play a game, watch a show, etc).
We only have $300 in the bank and Justin lost his job yesterday. :( He got fired for forgetting a fridge on the work truck. :( His ADD is really really severe, he has a lot of trouble with his memory, especially if he's under stress. I'm trying really hard to get him to see a psychiatrist and try medication but he's had to reschedule a couple times already. But I see that he's trying and that's what matters.
We've been working on our marriage and I really want things to improve between us because I do love him and we fit together well when we are both actively trying. He's an incredible dad and he's so patient and loving. He has triggers and struggles but I do too. He's an amazing guy otherwise.
I have to go down and apply for WIC and Food stamps on Monday or something.
Justin called the landlord and explained to her our situation, thankfully she seemed understanding about it and asked us to just keep her updated if there were any changes and to call again next week if not. That was a relief.
Idk, I think the meds I'm on are really helping me just have faith and trust the universe, the ultimate consciousness, or whatever ultimate God there is out there. I've been putting time into thinking about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I'm not sure what I believe exactly. But I do believe there's spiritual realms, angels, and reincarnation. That's based on my own personal experiences though and outside of that, I really have no idea. I have trouble believing the bible because it was written by men and if the bible were written in modern times nobody would believe it.
Anyways, I'm coping. I'm managing. Worse comes to worse we have to move back in with my dad... that's something at least, and we would pick ourselves back up soon enough.