Man, things have been tough.
Thankfully, our landlord has been understanding and she's allowing us to pay her back slowly, a little extra rent each month until we're caught up. Justin still hasn't found a job yet. We have very little cash, our bank is in the negatives, and we're struggling.
Silver lining - our relationship is in a much much better place. Justin finally understands completely how hard it is for me here at home caring for the kids, household, bills, and everything else. He's been being open, honest, and communicating well with me lately - I appreciate it a lot. I really do love him but I don't want secrets or lying by omission anymore. I want us together fully knowing and accepting one another. Sex has been great. Intimacy is wonderful. He's been so loving and caring. He's helped me so much the past month and a half. He's really trying hard to understand my mental and emotional health too, and that's important to me, so I really appreciate it.
In other news, I believe that adoption trauma came up the past week or so. I'm just starting to feel like I can function again. I felt wiped tf out for like a week or two. I felt like crying every day but couldn't get it out, I felt down and depressed, it felt so hard to just get out of bed and function. My house fell apart again. But keep in mind that we also don't have oil, our house is freezing, and the cold hurts my body really bad. :( We also have a lot going on... so maybe it's situational... but I really do think that my adoption trauma stuff has made it harder because once I labeled it, it felt like it resonated and I started processing it. This is around the same time 8 years ago when I had given up on myself and contacted the adoption agency and started the process of losing Bennett. The memories have also been flashing into my head berating me lately. I've tried blocking them out but I think that I have to meet them and just sit with them, they're obviously coming up because I've blocked them out and shoved them down for so long, right??
Today is Lailah's birthday, she's 11. I can not believe I have an 11 year old. Time seems to be speeding up the older I get. Lately, I've really been trying to invest more time into my littles, spend as much time with them as I can, make memories with them, get to know them, figure out their likes, dislikes, triggers, and coping skills that work with them best. This is what I want to do with my life. I am here to help raise the next generation and I have a lot of work to do.
Speaking of what I'm here to do. I've also scheduled a training in March to become a suicide prevention peer worker. I'll be going to events, schools and meetings, telling my personal story about my life and battle with mental health, as well as helping to problem solve to help fix our system and save more people. I feel like this is perfect for me, part of exactly what I'm here to do, and again - I have a lot of work to do.
Well, it's 8:30 am, I'm still tired so I'm going to head back to bed snuggling my babies up tight until we head to my moms later for Lailah's birthday. <3