Fuck this

Why can't I just be happy without people telling me I'm a horrible shitty person? Why can't I be happy without people bringing me down?
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live to never be allowed to be happy. I just want to feel loved and once I do then it's like I'm a horrible person for wanting that. Maybe I shoulda done adoption with Lailah. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my hose, I hate it here.
I hate my mom and the people around me. I just want to die and do everyone a goddamned favor. I don't want to keep trying so hard. It's pointless.
I was finally feeling happy. But apparently happiness is a sin. I want to just cu myself again and it won't even matter since I can't see Mark anymore. My mom says I can't use her car and I'm not allowed to go out anymore.
I give up. I quit.
Fuck this.

Why me?

I get paranoid and anxious. I don't feel good enough. Why does Mark continue seeing me? Me? Of all girls. I'm pregnant. Wtf? Not that I don't want him to, cuz I definitely do. But I'm so scared of losing him now. What if it's too much? I know I should live in each moment but I'm not prepared for heartbreak right now.

Stupid Valentines day

Oh goodness. I think I'm in love. I been bit by the love bug or struck by an arrow. I don't want to lose him. The way he smiles at me. The way he makes me laugh and smile. The way he holds my hand in his. The way he makes it all alright. The way we cuddle together. The way he looks at me. The way he always knows what to say.
We still aren't in a relationship but I'm okay with that now. I know he's not seeing anyone else. And right now, that's all that matters to me.
God. The way he's silly with me. The way he looks into my eyes and kisses my lips.

Stupid Valentines day.

You got to me.

Nothing but a liar.

Today was kindah hard on me. I'm sick of being bossed around. Go do this. Do that, Do this. Yet no one does anything to help me. Ever. I didn't get to see Mark today and I didn't get to go to poker and Lai went to her Papa John's house. I miss her. Tonight Mark was strange, like pushing me away. Idk why. My mom went to Foxwoods tonight. She promised me that for my birthday she would take me to Foxwoods and she never did. Yet she went tonight. She says she's "broke" but she just got a new tattoo too.

Idk, I'm tired. Gnight.

Love is in the air!

Happy Birthday to my most precious baby girl! She's 3 today at 12:55pm! Time went by so fast! I love her more than anything.
Things have been better. Mark - being with him makes me happy. And I won't leave that.
Having my kids makes me happy and I won't end that either.
Mark is getting used to the idea of my kids. I'm happy he is. He accepts my pregnancy more and Lailah. It's been 2.5 months.
This whole, no friend this is going alright. I can't wait to get my income tax!

• car
• insurance
• 3D 4D ultrasound
• pics of Lailah
• things for baby

Hopefully all of those!

I'm glad I'm feeling better. But maybe that's cuz Love is in the air :D !

<3 <3 <3 <3

My daughter is brilliant

Yesterday I started getting Braxton hicks contractions. Today I felt him hiccup for the first time. He got them twice. I'm 24 weeks.

Lailah is brilliant. She's about to be 3 and she knows so much!
She learned, by herself, how to open up child proof lids so we now have to put meds mad high up. And the oher day I told her to get dressed cuz Papa John is coming to get her.
I said, "Lai, get dressed, Papa John is coming to get you".
She said, "No mommy, I only have ONE Papa John. Not two Papa John's. ONE. Papa John come get me. Not two!"
haha. How bright is that?!

I'm getting a car with my income tax. I'm so excited! I can't wait. Then school in Fall. I hope it all works out.

On another note.
Mark <3
I'm falling.
     I'm getting afraid of losing him.
But I can't let him go.

We get along so well. I feel like we fit together but idk how long it'll last but I don't want it to fade.
Living day by day and I'm hoping that everything will be okay.

<3