Catching up with my pathetic life

I've been sad. Really fucking sad. But I just keep on truckin along. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just sleep my life away. I've been hoping that I could somehow just die.  Hoping that maybe that wish could come true. People tell me, "You have your kids and others to live for." And that's true, I guess. But it doesn't change how I feel or the things I go through or my circumstance. It doesn't help Justin to find a better job, it doesn't get me a good job, it doesn't get us a home to raise our kids in, it doesn't make us money to clothe and feed them either. Them being alive doesn't help me help them at all. I often feel they'd be much better off without me just as Bennett is. Lailah would go live with her dad and I bet it'd be a hell of a lot more nicer than sitting here in my moms basement cluttered together with her baby brother, moms bf, and her mom. And it especially would beat listening to Laurence scream at his kid and others all the time above us. And Noel would go stay with Justin and I'm sure his family would help him - they're decent people. Both would do fine without me and so would Justin.

This past month has been the fucking month from hell. First my sister got married. Awesome, except I was the ONLY family member NOT invited. Not invited whatsoever. Yet Lailah was invited, not me though. My aunts and grandmother and whole family invited. But fuck me. Then my sister came over the day before Bennett's bday, the 14th. And we were sitting in the kitchen and I was staying silent when my mom, brother, and sister were all joking around with each other. Also this daycare kid that has low functioning autism was also in the room sitting in a chair at the table. So, then my brother started telling me about how one of his teachers at school called him a retard and my sister went and said, 

"That's not a nice word to say especially since there is one in the room!" 

and laughed her ass off. I was very taken aback at that and I shook my head and said, 

"That's not right, not right at all." 

And she quickly adds, "I was talking about you! You're a fucking retard!"

That really hurt and I reacted and threw the water I was drinking at her, soaking her. I don't feel bad whatsoever.
I went down to my room and I cried for hours. Why? Why did it hurt so bad? Well, all of that day all I could see were flashbacks. Flashbacks of going into labor, going to the hospital alone, laboring alone for hours until my mom and Mark came, delivered a baby I couldn't hold, and then got abandoned by everyone. My mom, Mark, the doctors, the nurses - everyone left me. Everyone left me crying and alone, hurting and scared. Nobody came in to talk to me or help me through the emotional pain I was experiencing. I had just given birth to my first son who I was about to leave and never see again, but nobody cared. Nobody cared about me at all. The way everyone saw it was that I didn't deserve my son anyhow and nobody thought to stop and ask me if it was truly what I WANTED to do and not what I felt I HAD to do. My sister calling me a fucking retard just sent me right over the edge. I did NOT need that on that day. I did not need it at all. Oh, and my brother and mom flipped shit on ME because I was "immature" and threw the water at her. I was the bad guy, OF COURSE.
So then Bennett's birthday came and went and I continued hurting. The 15th, his bday, was very hard for me and I asked Justin - How did I get through this day the following years? The answer was shitty. The 1st birthday I got crossfaded, completely fucked up, and he had to carry me to a bed to sleep as I passed out on the street. The 2nd birthday I just smoked weed the entire day to get myself through it. And this year I just struggled through the pain I felt, it was awful. I wish others could even imagine what I feel each year but truth is is that they truly don't care to. In their head, adoption is just wonderful and that's the bottom line.
 A couple days later my entire family left. They all went to go on a cruise and I stayed home. My mom, dad, brother, sister, even my uncle and his wife etc - they all went on a cruise and I stayed home to watch my moms daycare kids. I started on Friday and watched a shitton of kids - none of which I got paid for. Saturday I watched a 1 yr old little boy who I also didn't get paid for. Oh also from Friday through today I cared for my moms husbands kid 24-7 and didn't get paid a cent. On Monday I was watching some kids when a state worker (no idea who she was or anything) came to my house banging on my door, then welcomed herself into my home, demanded the names of kids at my house, and was very very very mean to me. She told me I was stupid and irresponsible because I wouldn't give her information about the kids that she wanted. She wouldn't tell me who she was or exactly who it was that she worked for. She demanded info from me and I kept telling her I didn't know so that she would leave. She threatened me that she would get me in a lot of trouble, along with my mom. I got really scared of her. I told all the kids parents that they couldn't come back and that I wasn't watching their kids that week. But I did end up taking my kids and Isaiah to 2 of the kids home to watch them for their parents for the week. It went okay but it was stressful to say the least.
My mom and family just got back today, my mom got me some cheap jewelry. Maybe if she ever paid attention to me she would know that I'm allergic to fake jewelry. But whatever. Maybe I should feel, "At least she thought about me." Then again I cared for kids in HER daycare, cared for HER step son for the whole 11 days she was gone, fed HER dogs and cats, cleaned up after them, and kept HER house clean for the whole time. But yeah, I guess fake jewelry is a wonderful "thank you" gesture... whatever.

Then today. I'm so disappointed. Two Mondays ago Justin called about the engagement ring he got me. They told him they would have it in exactly two weeks from that Monday - leading us to today, this Monday. We called 3 times but no answer so we just decided to drive there to pick it up, only to be told we need to wait another 3 weeks to get it because they're "backed up". We've been waiting 7 weeks already.... now we have to wait 3 more. 10 weeks to get a ring. Two and a half months to get a ring. I'm really disappointed and I wanted to seriously cry because I thought maybe I would finally be able to have a happy day. I'd get engaged to the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life and we would go out and do something for the day. But nope. Instead I just wanted to cry and I came home and just laid in bed all morning. Now I just don't even want to tolerate life at all. The baby is crying with Justin and atm I don't even want to soothe him I'm so fucking stressed out and depressed about my life.

Not a clue.

Finally the night has come. Lailah is in bed watching Frozen and Noel is sleeping on my lap. I was crocheting but crocheting got me thinking and now I am trying not to feel as hurt as my feelings want me to feel. I'm trying to block it out but I can't.
I feel as if 3 years ago I was thrown up in the air - and I know that what goes up must come down. I am falling but I have no clue how far I was thrown and when I will hit the ground. Every month around the 15th when I text Liz and get a text back - I'm thrown further back into the air an unknown amount. I need to know when the crash will occur so that I can somehow prepare. I can't just enjoy the flight and be happy I haven't hit the ground yet - it's inevitable and it could happen at any time. Much like death, the difference is, is that I will survive this fall but it'll leave me in very bad shape -not soaring in a heaven happily looking down on my loved ones.
I want to know what the next at least 5 years looks to her. I want to know if he's going to be told he's adopted or if he's not. If I would be able to meet him or if I'll be waiting for a reunion. If we will have a better relationship and more open contact or if it'll remain a short interaction once a month every 30 or so days as it is right now. Who I will be to him if anyone at all. What will happen when/if he starts asking questions. It's not just I want to know, I feel like I NEED to know. I need to be prepared for what she assumes will happen. I feel as if I can't keep living this way - I feel that the way it is, is bound to unravel at some point. We have no relationship and I do not feel like family the way I was promised I would. I feel like a creepy stranger who loves and cares about someone elses child.
With each year that passes this feels more and more difficult to me. So many internal battles. I wish I felt safe/comfortable enough to talk to her. To say "Hey, we need to talk." To tell her how I feel and listen to how she feels so we could come to a mutual understanding. I want to ask her about the future - those questions I need to know.
If I say anything to her though I run the risk of her slamming the adoption shut. Not getting any pictures or communication and there's nothing I would be able to do. Would that be better? Easier? Would it be best for me to just save my blog to him, write to him, and wait until he's 18+ for a reunion? I have no idea anymore. Not a single clue.

April fools day

This was a long weekend - sort of anyway for me and definitely for Lailah. My little Lai came down with something a couple days ago. I actually took her to the hospital last night because she was so sick. Her lips looked purpleish and she had a cough, she was not very active, and she wasn't eating or drinking anything. I freaked out when I took her temp and she was too hot to read. The hospital said it just looks like a bad cold and a stomach bug. But idk :/

She slept in until 12:30 pm today and even still she had Justin carry her around - who was home from work today :). We went to breakfast - gave Lai food off of our plates which I'm happy we did because she didn't really eat at all. She kept gagging when she put food in her mouth :/. Then we stopped at a few stores to pick up some things. When we got home Lai and I put googly eyes on everything in the refrigerator haha, it was so funny! We also put a food dye tablet in the sink faucet so when you turned the water on it came out blue! Ahaha. She enjoyed it :). Happy April fools day!

She drank a bit more today but still didn't eat too much. I'm going to keep her home tomorrow too. 

Noel is doing well, he's so big it's insane. I can't believe how big he is already. I can't believe he's already 3months old and trying to sit up and he holds his head up already - they grow up too quick! <3 

Oh and this, this happened today - *melts

Daddy with Noel at 15 weeks <3