Not a clue.

Finally the night has come. Lailah is in bed watching Frozen and Noel is sleeping on my lap. I was crocheting but crocheting got me thinking and now I am trying not to feel as hurt as my feelings want me to feel. I'm trying to block it out but I can't.
I feel as if 3 years ago I was thrown up in the air - and I know that what goes up must come down. I am falling but I have no clue how far I was thrown and when I will hit the ground. Every month around the 15th when I text Liz and get a text back - I'm thrown further back into the air an unknown amount. I need to know when the crash will occur so that I can somehow prepare. I can't just enjoy the flight and be happy I haven't hit the ground yet - it's inevitable and it could happen at any time. Much like death, the difference is, is that I will survive this fall but it'll leave me in very bad shape -not soaring in a heaven happily looking down on my loved ones.
I want to know what the next at least 5 years looks to her. I want to know if he's going to be told he's adopted or if he's not. If I would be able to meet him or if I'll be waiting for a reunion. If we will have a better relationship and more open contact or if it'll remain a short interaction once a month every 30 or so days as it is right now. Who I will be to him if anyone at all. What will happen when/if he starts asking questions. It's not just I want to know, I feel like I NEED to know. I need to be prepared for what she assumes will happen. I feel as if I can't keep living this way - I feel that the way it is, is bound to unravel at some point. We have no relationship and I do not feel like family the way I was promised I would. I feel like a creepy stranger who loves and cares about someone elses child.
With each year that passes this feels more and more difficult to me. So many internal battles. I wish I felt safe/comfortable enough to talk to her. To say "Hey, we need to talk." To tell her how I feel and listen to how she feels so we could come to a mutual understanding. I want to ask her about the future - those questions I need to know.
If I say anything to her though I run the risk of her slamming the adoption shut. Not getting any pictures or communication and there's nothing I would be able to do. Would that be better? Easier? Would it be best for me to just save my blog to him, write to him, and wait until he's 18+ for a reunion? I have no idea anymore. Not a single clue.