Where I'm at now.

lolllll - Just checked my last post to see where I was at. Well - didn't win powerball :P
But I'm not doing so bad. I am still waiting on that job. I called yesterday and I was told that they've sent a reference paper to the company I had the same position at 4 years ago. Not sure what that means but I'm guessing maybe they can't get in touch with the woman who was previously my supervisor. So - I'm still waiting. But it's not so bad because we got our income tax returns in and so we're not financially drowning. It takes some of the pressure off.
Recently I've just been going out to play cards a couple times a week at night, crocheting, and really working hard on my parenting. I'm doing a "crochet along" online which is pretty fun. They give "clues" each Tuesday and everyone who is participating crochets what the clues are. So far I'm working on clue 3. As for my parenting. I'm working REALLY hard on two things - NOT yelling, ALLOWING Lailah to express her emotion in safe manners, AND actively helping her through her emotions letting her know that emotions are normal and actually healthy to get out in appropriate manners. The yelling thing has been a bit difficult for me; especially when I'm feeling very stressed out - but I'm getting there. The allowing emotions thing was an extremely HUGE trigger for me before I started this and it's still a trigger but just not as big anymore. I LIKE being able to help her through her emotions and I can feel her trusting me more and bonding with me more and I LOVE that. It's well worth the discomfort it triggers in me at first. When I break through it and I sit with her on my lap and stroke her hair and listen to her emotions and struggle and work with her through them I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to become the parent I've always truly wanted to be. I'm working on it really hard for the sake of my children. So that they can turn out to be healthy and amazing adults one day and not an individual like me who struggles with who she is. I want them to be able to access their highest potential easier than I ever could. <3
We went to the Museum of Science in Boston last week. It was quite the adventure. We got almost to the train station when my car got a flat tire. My road side assistance couldn't find our location so we had to call the state police. Then Lailah, Noel, and myself had to ride in the back of a police cruiser to get off the highway - we got dropped off at a gas station. Justin rode with another officer and also got dropped off at the gas station. And my dad got a ride with the tow truck and he went with the tow guy to go get another tire to put on my car. That took about 3 hours. -.- After that we finally got to the train station only to find out that the tracks were iced over on the line we needed and so the trains weren't running and we had to catch two buses to get to another train line which brought us to the Museum. By the time we got there it was already 4:30pm and they closed at 7pm. But the kids had a lot of fun anyhow. Noel loved running around and exploring all the neat things they had there and Lailah just loves being there anyhow. It was a lot of fun even though we didn't get to spend a lot of time there. We then had to catch the buses back and after we got back to my car I drove to a restaurant because we were all starving since we hadn't eaten all day (besides Noel lol who still nurses off me).

Oh and we went and got Justin's wedding band ordered yesterday at the mall! I think we will tie the knot this year in August. :) Our relationship is doing really really well and I can't imagine being with anyone else - ever.

On another note - I miss Bennett. I've recently read an article and watched some videos about toddler that can remember being in their mothers womb. The tots describe hearing their parents voices, seeing light being shone on the belly, hearing their mothers heartbeat, and the swushing noises made by the placenta. I found that so incredible but at the same time completely heartbreaking for me. Bennett more than likely remembered me too and didn't know where I went and if I would ever be back and that tortures me inside. If I could go back in time I would have figured something else out and have taken a different path; if I knew everything I know now. I often feel stupid and pathetic and incredibly weak because I listened to what everyone told me about adoption. Because I believed them when they told me that it was what was best for him. I only ever wanted to protect him and I felt like that was the only way that I could show that I honestly wanted what was best for him. At the time I wasn't capable of thinking, "Maybe what's best for him is ME." "Maybe he wouldn't want this". I was so bombarded with others telling me what it would be like and how to think and feel. It's no excuse. I was weak. I should have figured something out.

So yeah - that's where I stand right now. Just waiting to get this job hopefully and then see where things will go from there.

Power ball! It would be a dream come true

So far - no jobs still yet. But we're making due. I went to a job interview on Jan 29th, the interviewer - Holly, said to give it 2 weeks for a call back. It's been 1 week so far so I'm still waiting an hoping to get this job. The position is HBTS - working with children and their families. I've done this job in the past and I enjoyed it; plus it's good pay. I really hope I can get this position. 

That is, of course, unless I win power ball tonight. Last night I bought 3 powerball tickets - the drawing is tonight around 11pm. Last night I was day dreaming about what I would do with the powerball money if I were to win. My biggest goal I would want to meet using the money would be to help as many people as I possibly could. I would want to help keep families intact and prevent financially struggling mothers from placing their child to be adopted. I would want to help people who are homeless get on their feet (the ones who are really serious about it). I say really serious about it because I would want to help people who truly want to be helped and not just given handouts. I'm okay with giving the foot up to create positive results in other peoples lives - that's exactly what I would want to do. I would help my parents and the people who've been there for me in my life the most. I would buy a house, a new car, and put money aside for college - the kids and my own and Justin's if he would like. I would go back to school to become a neurologist. There is so much I would want to do, accomplish, and help others do and accomplish too! 

I know it's a long shot but the way I look at it is - I have the same chances as everyone else in the world. We all have equal footing. Right? :P

It would be a dream come true and not only for me but for many other people too. I would make sure of that!

I've really been working hard on my peaceful parenting with Lailah. I didn't yell in days - until today. I yelled after Lailah was yelling at me and I just snapped. I HATE being yelled at and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but I did. It's in the past now. I'm sort of over it because in the past I've always yelled and while yelling I've shamed out of impulse due to how my mother always talked to me as a child. But today I didn't shame. I just yelled at her to stop yelling at me and that I wouldn't want to help her if she yelled at me. So, I feel that I've come a long way with that. I've also been actively working with Justin on his parenting as well. For him he struggles with setting firm, loving, clear boundaries. He gets upset and feels like Lailah is being mean to him and he shuts down and doesn't know how to respond. For me I am working on not impulse responding and instead empathizing, validating emotions, offering assistance through emotions, and then offering solutions and problem solving so that she could learn through her learning moment which happens right after a situation occurs. We're not perfect but we're doing our best. 

Ohhh and back to the whole powerball wishes. I was fantasizing about what I would do with the money and I had a couple thoughts of which people wouldn't probably like. I had the thought that I would want to give Liz and Nate two options:
1. Accept me into their family. Let me move close by. Let me be around Bennett, babysit him, spend time with him, spend Christmas and other holidays together, allow me to go to his Birthday Parties. 

OR

2. I would bring them to court to fight to get custody back of him - I would bring proof that it would be in his best interest as adoptees have a higher risk of suicide and suicide attempts, that adoptees struggle with the primal wound, that he would have his original birth certificate back, that he would have his true identity back, and that he would have his family intact. I would explain the mental and emotional coercion that I experienced during my pregnancy with him due to my financial situation and what I had recently gone through at that time. I would fight tooth and nail to restore our family
And if all else failed at least he would know that I fought for him. That I truly did the best I could to get him back into my life/or family. 

I also had the thought to go to my ex therapists place of work and offer the hospital money to fire him and not rehire him. Because he's such a jackass therapist. I called the hospital and spoke to the man in charge of the therapists and told him why I was leaving and not returning to see my therapist and then my therapist went out of his way to send me mail saying that I have been thrown out of the practice. Definition of asshole. 

These are the two "evil" things I would probably do with the money. Otherwise, it would all be what I feel are "good".  

Also, I had a dream about Bennett the other day. I was with him, spending time with him. His amom and adad were divorced and his adad was with another woman. They let me have visits and spend time with him. But the woman wasn't a very kind woman and she had very naughty children due to her lack of parenting skills and I feared for Bennett. When I woke up I wondered if my brain was trying to comfort me in a very odd way by letting me know that at least he is loved and cared for, even if I can't be there for him. </3