lolllll - Just checked my last post to see where I was at. Well - didn't win powerball :P
But I'm not doing so bad. I am still waiting on that job. I called yesterday and I was told that they've sent a reference paper to the company I had the same position at 4 years ago. Not sure what that means but I'm guessing maybe they can't get in touch with the woman who was previously my supervisor. So - I'm still waiting. But it's not so bad because we got our income tax returns in and so we're not financially drowning. It takes some of the pressure off.
Recently I've just been going out to play cards a couple times a week at night, crocheting, and really working hard on my parenting. I'm doing a "crochet along" online which is pretty fun. They give "clues" each Tuesday and everyone who is participating crochets what the clues are. So far I'm working on clue 3. As for my parenting. I'm working REALLY hard on two things - NOT yelling, ALLOWING Lailah to express her emotion in safe manners, AND actively helping her through her emotions letting her know that emotions are normal and actually healthy to get out in appropriate manners. The yelling thing has been a bit difficult for me; especially when I'm feeling very stressed out - but I'm getting there. The allowing emotions thing was an extremely HUGE trigger for me before I started this and it's still a trigger but just not as big anymore. I LIKE being able to help her through her emotions and I can feel her trusting me more and bonding with me more and I LOVE that. It's well worth the discomfort it triggers in me at first. When I break through it and I sit with her on my lap and stroke her hair and listen to her emotions and struggle and work with her through them I can't imagine anything else I'd rather be doing. I am so proud of how far I've come and I am excited to become the parent I've always truly wanted to be. I'm working on it really hard for the sake of my children. So that they can turn out to be healthy and amazing adults one day and not an individual like me who struggles with who she is. I want them to be able to access their highest potential easier than I ever could. <3
We went to the Museum of Science in Boston last week. It was quite the adventure. We got almost to the train station when my car got a flat tire. My road side assistance couldn't find our location so we had to call the state police. Then Lailah, Noel, and myself had to ride in the back of a police cruiser to get off the highway - we got dropped off at a gas station. Justin rode with another officer and also got dropped off at the gas station. And my dad got a ride with the tow truck and he went with the tow guy to go get another tire to put on my car. That took about 3 hours. -.- After that we finally got to the train station only to find out that the tracks were iced over on the line we needed and so the trains weren't running and we had to catch two buses to get to another train line which brought us to the Museum. By the time we got there it was already 4:30pm and they closed at 7pm. But the kids had a lot of fun anyhow. Noel loved running around and exploring all the neat things they had there and Lailah just loves being there anyhow. It was a lot of fun even though we didn't get to spend a lot of time there. We then had to catch the buses back and after we got back to my car I drove to a restaurant because we were all starving since we hadn't eaten all day (besides Noel lol who still nurses off me).
Oh and we went and got Justin's wedding band ordered yesterday at the mall! I think we will tie the knot this year in August. :) Our relationship is doing really really well and I can't imagine being with anyone else - ever.
On another note - I miss Bennett. I've recently read an article and watched some videos about toddler that can remember being in their mothers womb. The tots describe hearing their parents voices, seeing light being shone on the belly, hearing their mothers heartbeat, and the swushing noises made by the placenta. I found that so incredible but at the same time completely heartbreaking for me. Bennett more than likely remembered me too and didn't know where I went and if I would ever be back and that tortures me inside. If I could go back in time I would have figured something else out and have taken a different path; if I knew everything I know now. I often feel stupid and pathetic and incredibly weak because I listened to what everyone told me about adoption. Because I believed them when they told me that it was what was best for him. I only ever wanted to protect him and I felt like that was the only way that I could show that I honestly wanted what was best for him. At the time I wasn't capable of thinking, "Maybe what's best for him is ME." "Maybe he wouldn't want this". I was so bombarded with others telling me what it would be like and how to think and feel. It's no excuse. I was weak. I should have figured something out.
So yeah - that's where I stand right now. Just waiting to get this job hopefully and then see where things will go from there.
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