I haven't posted in quite a while. A lot has been going on. I've been in the process of getting that job that I mentioned in previous posts. I have met with the families and last week or so I turned in all my hiring paperwork. Now I just need to do finger printing at the police station tomorrow and then meet with the Clinicians for the cases I will be working on. Orientation will be in June but I can start work before that. I'm going to be taking on two cases, my hours will be 12:30-3:00 , 3:30-6:30. So that's what is going on with that. I'm hoping that this job will really help us get on our feet and get our own place, finally. Here's to hoping.
Emotionally and mentally I haven't been doing so great. Bennett's birthday just passed not even a full week ago yet and as much as I tried very hard to get through it well, I feel I haven't been succeeding. I've gotten drunk twice in attempt to numb and ignore the pain I feel inside. I want to say "I don't know why" I've been feeling so hurt inside about Bennett and the adoption but at the same time I do know - I don't believe you could ever get over the loss of your child no matter the way in which they're not there. People have told me that it would get easier to handle over the years that pass but I've yet to feel that to be true as it has actually seemed harder and worse each year. I have been trying so hard to handle it well and get through it but it seems so far out of my control. Even if on the outside I display that I'm fine and well, I'm not at all. Inside I am so far gone in pain. I know it'll get better and easier the farther from his birthday we get but I do need to figure out some way to handle birthdays for the future. Because the way I'm handling it now is not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad all the time, even if I don't show it at all, I am. I constantly think about how Lailah and Noel deserve better and more than me. I think about all the things Bennett will have, the chances, and opportunities that he will have in life that Lailah and Noel won't because I'll never be as well off as Liz and Nate. I'm so hurt inside that it boils over into everything else in my life - things that I otherwise can handle well, I haven't been able to as well. I get frustrated and upset easier and for the first time ever I've been facing nursing aversion at night. I know it all ties into my emotions and feelings due to the adoption of Bennett. Everything feels like a trigger when I feel so overwhelmingly sad with it. I yell more often, I isolate myself away from Justin and the kids, I've been going out more frequently, I've been getting into more arguments with Justin, I sometimes don't want to be around Noel, and I just feel like I'm not who I want to be and it's so very difficult to control. Due to all of those things it makes me feel like a bad mom who doesn't deserve her children anyhow - it's a vicious cycle. The pain makes me not able to function the way I regularly would. I explained it to Justin like this: It feels like inside of me I'm a cup and all of my feelings are brimming at the top so every little trigger that I deal with forces my cup to bubble over and spill - otherwise I would be able to handle them really well if the cup wasn't so full. I feel so weak and out of control that I can't just handle these emotions and thoughts better. I feel I should be able to get through this easier by now. He's 4 now and the adoption is the best it's ever been. Liz has told me that I may be able to have visits within a few years and she's been so much nicer than she ever previously has. I feel like that since she's had the twins that she has a better idea of what I went through in regards to the adoption of Bennett. She has a higher level of respect for me, I guess. Idk, but she has been better with talking to me. I feel like she finally talks to me and interacts with me like I'm a person and not just like a nuisance.
Oh and as for that CAL - I'm on the last hint, the blanket is almost completed. I don't LOVE it but I don't hate it either. It's been an interesting learning experience, I haven't been perfect lol, but it's been fun and I am excited to do more in the future.
Well, there you have it. That's all that's going on in my life so far. Waiting on this job to get going and trying to get through this rough time in my life while crocheting.
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