I don't want to be part of the human species anymore.

I'm massively depressed. Like, I think I've hit the end of my rope. It doesn't even matter what got me to this point. What does matter is that I've lost pretty much all hope for humanity. Every shred of hope I've had has disappeared when it comes to humanity. I do not want to be part of this species. I do not want to live amongst all these hateful and hurtful people.
So many people have this idea that only things considered "bad" are harmful but they're wrong. There are so many harmful things in the world and people don't care about fighting them all. There is no compassion, no understanding, no perspective. All there is is judgment and hatred. Then there's name calling, personal attacks, threats, and mental/emotional abuse.
Everyone is out for themselves, nobody caring about anyone else. People acting like friends, people telling you you can trust them - but you can't. Can't trust anybody because it seems to be everybody's motive to collect info and date on others to use as ammo, to use against them, to harass, to betray them with. Nobody there to be compassionate towards one another, helpful, peaceful, and understanding. Everything man created in this world is evil. People are evil.
I used to always want to believe that people aren't inheritently evil or bad that they've been made that way but now I'm starting to believe that I'm wrong. People literally CHOOSE to be evil, cruel, mean, heartless, and harmful. They CHOOSE it. It's not something that was created within them - it's not an error in their programming. They truly are out to hurt and spite other people.
There is so much BAD and EVIL everywhere I turn.
In the people who abuse their kids in public.
In the animals lying dead upon the side of the road.
In the people who fist fight outside at midnight until police come.
In the lack of food in homes across the nation.
In the amount of people homeless living in tents with no way to get a home.
In the lack of help out there for those who actively search and require it.
In the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the make up we put on to hide our depressed faces.
In the daycare providers that shame and humiliate children.
In the school teachers who yell at and harm children.
In the people who live in domestic violence.
In the people walking down the street yanking their pet by the throat with the leash.
In the people who scream threats angrily out their car windows at others.
In the people who start conflict with others at the poker table.
In the messages that go unanswered by people who claim to be "friends".
In all the orphanages and foster care systems around the world where kids are treated as second class citizens.
In all the murders and abuse cases on television.
In the hunger for power and money.
It's in the strangers who attack others for different views and opinions when they don't even hurt anybody,
It's in the struggle of parents to provide good care for their children.
It's in the wars all over the world where innocent people are dying.
It's in the big corporations who only care about the big money and not the effects it has on humans as a species.

It's everywhere. The evil and sadness is everywhere. And I don't think it's ever leaving. As a species humans are getting more and more defective. More mentally ill. More unstable. More harmful to themselves and others. They're not a progressive species. They see bad and wrong and they continue doing it themselves. They see bad and wrong and they choose to use other methods of bad and wrong to suit their beliefs. They don't ever choose compassion or the will to understand. They never choose love.
I feel like an alien sent here to make progress and take notes to pass on to tell others that there is hope after all but there isn't. I want to return home to tell them it's no use and that humans are going to self corrupt and eventually self corrode.

Bennett's birthday struggle

I haven't posted in quite a while. A lot has been going on. I've been in the process of getting that job that I mentioned in previous posts. I have met with the families and last week or so I turned in all my hiring paperwork. Now I just need to do finger printing at the police station tomorrow and then meet with the Clinicians for the cases I will be working on. Orientation will be in June but I can start work before that. I'm going to be taking on two cases, my hours will be 12:30-3:00 , 3:30-6:30. So that's what is going on with that. I'm hoping that this job will really help us get on our feet and get our own place, finally. Here's to hoping.
Emotionally and mentally I haven't been doing so great. Bennett's birthday just passed not even a full week ago yet and as much as I tried very hard to get through it well, I feel I haven't been succeeding. I've gotten drunk twice in attempt to numb and ignore the pain I feel inside. I want to say "I don't know why" I've been feeling so hurt inside about Bennett and the adoption but at the same time I do know - I don't believe you could ever get over the loss of your child no matter the way in which they're not there. People have told me that it would get easier to handle over the years that pass but I've yet to feel that to be true as it has actually seemed harder and worse each year. I have been trying so hard to handle it well and get through it but it seems so far out of my control. Even if on the outside I display that I'm fine and well, I'm not at all. Inside I am so far gone in pain. I know it'll get better and easier the farther from his birthday we get but I do need to figure out some way to handle birthdays for the future. Because the way I'm handling it now is not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad all the time, even if I don't show it at all, I am. I constantly think about how Lailah and Noel deserve better and more than me. I think about all the things Bennett will have, the chances, and opportunities that he will have in life that Lailah and Noel won't because I'll never be as well off as Liz and Nate. I'm so hurt inside that it boils over into everything else in my life - things that I otherwise can handle well, I haven't been able to as well. I get frustrated and upset easier and for the first time ever I've been facing nursing aversion at night. I know it all ties into my emotions and feelings due to the adoption of Bennett. Everything feels like a trigger when I feel so overwhelmingly sad with it. I yell more often, I isolate myself away from Justin and the kids, I've been going out more frequently, I've been getting into more arguments with Justin, I sometimes don't want to be around Noel, and I just feel like I'm not who I want to be and it's so very difficult to control. Due to all of those things it makes me feel like a bad mom who doesn't deserve her children anyhow - it's a vicious cycle. The pain makes me not able to function the way I regularly would. I explained it to Justin like this: It feels like inside of me I'm a cup and all of my feelings are brimming at the top so every little trigger that I deal with forces my cup to bubble over and spill - otherwise I would be able to handle them really well if the cup wasn't so full. I feel so weak and out of control that I can't just handle these emotions and thoughts better. I feel I should be able to get through this easier by now. He's 4 now and the adoption is the best it's ever been. Liz has told me that I may be able to have visits within a few years and she's been so much nicer than she ever previously has. I feel like that since she's had the twins that she has a better idea of what I went through in regards to the adoption of Bennett. She has a higher level of respect for me, I guess. Idk, but she has been better with talking to me. I feel like she finally talks to me and interacts with me like I'm a person and not just like a nuisance.

Oh and as for that CAL - I'm on the last hint, the blanket is almost completed. I don't LOVE it but I don't hate it either. It's been an interesting learning experience, I haven't been perfect lol, but it's been fun and I am excited to do more in the future.

Well, there you have it. That's all that's going on in my life so far. Waiting on this job to get going and trying to get through this rough time in my life while crocheting.