Crazy life

Crazy life for a crazy person.

Tom is moving here this week at some point... yeah... craziness.
Justin and my marriage seems to be falling apart - unrelated to Tom.

I'm so frustrated and angry lately because Justin doesn't take care of himself, he has no desire to better himself as a human for himself, he doesn't clean himself, he doesn't clean the house, he doesn't do anything to grow himself. He does what I ask him to do - FOR me.
I don't want to feel like I am someones God, I want them to have the motivation to care for themselves and want to improve themselves for them, not for me.


I've been struggling mentally and emotionally as Bennett's birthday approaches. Not by choice either.
It's something I've been doing my best to avoid and ignore but I still have times where I struggle. I've been posting about it more on facebook and have got a lot of backlash about it - which was to be expected.

This month is rough for me with my middle son's birthday fast approaching next month. This was the month where I really lost myself and had given up on myself and my child. I remember crying all the time, scribbling in my journal about how I wish I could be more, be better, be what my baby "deserved". I was so stuck in a negative hormonal way of thinking based on what everyone else around me had told me. I hated myself and I just wanted to prove that I did love and want what was best for my baby.

The thought of other women entering this hell that I live - this trauma that revolves yearly, without my consent... is painful. I wouldn't wish what I experience on anyone.

The nightmares don't stop.

The anxiety doesn't just disappear.

The feelings of powerlessness and weakness overwhelm.

 I know what society tells me I SHOULD feel. I should feel happy he's loved, happy he is in a "good home", at least he's not aborted or dead, at least he's "better" cared for, I should feel grateful and proud, I should I should I should....

but then there's what I DO feel, regardless of what others expect me to feel.

Hurt, pain, loss, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, instability - severe mental and emotional instability, trouble functioning, trouble sleeping, turning to inappropriate coping in attempt to get through the overwhelming storm within.

 You call me anti-adoption I call myself anti - trauma.


I'm head over heels crazy in love with Tom. I can't even help it. I've been wreaking my brain trying to figure out why I feel so deeply for him. I think the large majority of it has to do with the fact he's been so present in my life for so long.  He's ninjad his way into my brain and my psyche.