I had therapy today and my therapist seemed to be looking for insight into something about me - something I didn't have the answer for.
He was questioning how and why I decided to be different than my parents.
Why I am so against abuse, hitting children, manipulation, threats, bribery, punishments, and other forms of corporal punishment and emotional/mental control. Why I aim to be different and feel so guilty when I slip up or make mistakes.
If I knew, I would have the premise for a great parenting book - but I don't.
I just - decided.
And that's all I have to it.
I remember so vividly the pain I experienced alone, the loneliness I felt, I felt so unloved, abandoned, hated, and empty. I decided I never ever wanted my kids to experience what I did and I decided that I would do whatever it took for me to do differently. And that's all I have to it. Remembering my own pain gave me the motivation. And for some people it doesn't - they feel it was done to them so it should be done to their children as well. My parents parented that way and it didn't benefit me in any way - it only hurt me, I feel. They didn't succeed. And who I am today is in spite of them, not due to them... I am who I am because *I* made the choices and the decisions to be who I am today, *I* put in the hard work and the effort and I made very hard changes to become who I am - and I continue to, no thanks to my parents.
I'm not sure what he was looking for.. and now it's weighing on my mind, bothering me.
I was just thinking of all the reasons I gave him -
that I remember the pain and don't want it for my kids,
that I have always been rebellious and assertive and hated being told what to do or what I can do,
that I have enjoy proving myself - feeling I can do or overcome what others can't or have trouble overcoming...
Maybe my motivation is to feel worthiness... worthy of something, I'm not sure. Worthy of life, love, Idk... or feeling like I have some sort of meaning? That I matter and that I'll prove it. Idk.
I've always felt like I have to prove myself to my parents - that I was never good enough.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Making changes.
Things are going ok, I'm working on making changes in my life.
I've deleted my facebook and fb messenger app on my phone so that I spend less time on it. I've started crocheting more, connecting with my kids, listening to empowering birth podcasts, and reading parenting books and other series I believe I will enjoy.
I'm trying to fulfill my life with more than just internet addiction.
I've checked in on fb on my laptop once a day since I've started and that's it.
Today I worked on a puzzle with Lailah after putting Noel down for a nap, after she had gotten home from school. I wrote a blog post today in my adoption blog as well. I'm going to work on crocheting and finishing up this next square in the blanket that will eventually become my midwifes.
Emotionally I'm doing alright, I'm up and down but nowhere near depression which I enjoy. Pregnancy seems to help with that. My therapist recommended I have my doctors check my hormone levels after pregnancy because that would make sense... my hormones increase during pregnancy and then I feel a lot better... after pregnancy they go back down and in sinks the depression again. So, I'm assuming must be something wrong with my endocrine system. I am not sure why I didn't think of that before. But, anyway, I'm glad that I have it now.
Well, Lailah is asking me to play a game of guess who and I also want to finish up crocheting this block so I'm off.
I've deleted my facebook and fb messenger app on my phone so that I spend less time on it. I've started crocheting more, connecting with my kids, listening to empowering birth podcasts, and reading parenting books and other series I believe I will enjoy.
I'm trying to fulfill my life with more than just internet addiction.
I've checked in on fb on my laptop once a day since I've started and that's it.
Today I worked on a puzzle with Lailah after putting Noel down for a nap, after she had gotten home from school. I wrote a blog post today in my adoption blog as well. I'm going to work on crocheting and finishing up this next square in the blanket that will eventually become my midwifes.
Emotionally I'm doing alright, I'm up and down but nowhere near depression which I enjoy. Pregnancy seems to help with that. My therapist recommended I have my doctors check my hormone levels after pregnancy because that would make sense... my hormones increase during pregnancy and then I feel a lot better... after pregnancy they go back down and in sinks the depression again. So, I'm assuming must be something wrong with my endocrine system. I am not sure why I didn't think of that before. But, anyway, I'm glad that I have it now.
Well, Lailah is asking me to play a game of guess who and I also want to finish up crocheting this block so I'm off.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Pride because *I* got through it.
I actually feel proud of myself. Immensely proud.
2017 was one of my most difficult years ever.
My uncle Jack passed away, I watched him pass and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I miss him but I'm happy he is no longer in pain or suffering.
After that, I believe is when I opened my marriage and accepted Tom into my life intimately. I still miss him but it's best that we no longer talk, I think. He came here, moved in, and he became verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and even started to become physically abusive toward me. I absolutely did not allow it. I shut it down quickly - which made him angry. His arrogance and ignorance truly showed. I can't believe for 8+ years that I never saw him for who he truly was but for whoever he showed me he was based on what he knew I liked and wanted in a person. I can't believe I trusted him so deeply, loved him, and cared about him to the degree that I had. It still hurts, when I think about it. On Thursday I was extremely tempted to text him and tell him I miss him - but it wouldn't change anything. He would still be who he is and I would be who I am.. and we are very different people living very different lives. I truly just miss the person I believed was my best friend - not all of it could have been a lie. He must be that person - that I fell for, in there somewhere... but he's just incapable of being that person under certain circumstances maybe, I don't know. But it was hard and I am still learning to cope on my own without turning to him.
While he was here (the 3 weeks he was) my dog Silas got out of the house and someone took him. We haven't found him and I'm pretty sure whoever it was kept him or sold him. I miss him a lot. My mom gave me his puppies but it's not the same. I am slowly learning to love them, but I was so hurt by the loss of Silas that I didn't bond to them right away. It's been a difficult thing for me.
Then my uncle Russ passed away shortly after that and although we weren't close I have a lot of good memories of him. He was the only one of my dads brothers who I liked, who I looked up to, who was kind and gentle. I appreciated him as a person, although I don't think he ever knew that. I felt guilt when I learned of his passing. I went into my last fb messages with him and he was the ONLY person ever, to have messaged me about Bennett. He said he saw pictures of him that I had posted and that they made him smile. And I ignored him. It had nothing to do with him, I'm sure I was just way too overwhelmed in my life to talk to much of anybody. I wish I hadn't ignored him. He was the only person who showed any kind of support for me at that time or even showed me they thought of me and would show care.
Not too long after that, my cousin April (my uncle Russ's daughter) kept asking me if I had a spare room for her to stay in, claimed she was being abused by her boyfriend and that she desperately needed somewhere to stay. I took her in and it was one of the worst choices I've ever made. She was abusive toward my children, she was rude very often, she would say such harmful and callous things, I often put her in her place and she would cry and apologize. I felt like I was caring for a young teenager who was hormonal, selfish, and just downright mean sometimes. She would say things that would undermine me or judge me as a parent, she would insult me backhandedly, and the final blow was when I told her I was expecting another baby and she said "Well, hopefully you'll miscarry". I told her to get out. Well, then as she was getting her stuff out of my house she ended up stealing over $1,400 from me, stole my light from my bathroom, stole pots and pans from me, and other things around my home - including the infinity scarf that Bennett's mom had given me one year for my birthday. I was beyond furious. She is truly lucky that I have my kids and I care about and love them more than I would love to get revenge on her. She's the lowest of scum in my mind and that will never change.
A couple months after that, I was helping out my other cousin from the opposite side of the family, Mandi - I started babysitting her 13 yr old and 3 month old while she worked a VERY high paying job (she would bring home at least $300 a night) and yet she was only paying me 5-6$ an hour for 2 kids, while expecting me to clean, go grocery shopping, prepare and cook dinner etc... when I tried to discuss being paid more with her she lost her shit. She blew up my phone texting me, name calling me, insulting me, and then she texted my mom blowing up her phone til past midnight after I had blocked her number.
I clearly don't have great people always entering my life..
Soon after that my sister moved in with her girlfriend Amanda.. who was very abusive toward my sister. MY sister was very suicidal and for months I worried about her and if she would live and be ok. I had to hide her meds and monitor her intake. I was so scared for her well being. I just wanted to be there for her and be the best I could be for her but it's hard for her to let me in. Amanda is still hurting her but she no longer is living here... Amanda that is. Moe is still here and I hope that our relationship can grow deeper over time.
Then to top everything off Justin and I went through a really rough patch... I almost left him. He agreed on going to a personal therapist as well as attending couples therapy with me. So that's where we are and I can tell that he IS trying and that is all I can ask of him. This rough patch was because I had found out that he lied to me for THREE months about work. He was laid off every Tuesday and Thursday and never told me! When I asked him about the pay drop he lied to me and said it must have been a pay error! FOR MONTHS. I trusted him, I believed him, and I made it work financially by starting to work myself... because he is my husband... only to find out that he lied to me. I felt so betrayed. I found out in December that he had been lying to me since September. But we are working on it and I think we will get through it. We will be ok.
The holidays came and went and they went well. I was sad about Thanksgiving because it was typically my uncle jacks holiday but we held it at my moms instead... and Christmas was usually at my uncles house too.. but we held it at my moms.. I didn't like the change. It felt wrong. But I know that he was there with us and wanted us to celebrate it with joy and happiness so I did my best.
I gave my grandma a shawl I worked hard crocheting for her and she cried, so that made me feel really good. I also gave her pillows and a quilt that I had sewn her out of my uncle Jack's shirts.. it was my moms idea but she had me put it all together. My grandma cried a lot but she really loved it, I'm happy I could do that for her.
I had so many hard times, emotional times, I had times I wanted to self harm, I wanted to give up, I wanted to say fuck everything and just not deal with any of it. I called the suicide prevention hotline I think 3 times and they were amazing. Such a great support. But I got through it. *I* did. Nobody else. I did it. And I am so immensely proud of myself. I didn't self harm, I didn't attempt suicide, and I found my way through. I've come such a long way... and I hope that 2018 will be a year of relaxation with my new baby, my family, and happiness. <3
2017 was one of my most difficult years ever.
My uncle Jack passed away, I watched him pass and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I miss him but I'm happy he is no longer in pain or suffering.
After that, I believe is when I opened my marriage and accepted Tom into my life intimately. I still miss him but it's best that we no longer talk, I think. He came here, moved in, and he became verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and even started to become physically abusive toward me. I absolutely did not allow it. I shut it down quickly - which made him angry. His arrogance and ignorance truly showed. I can't believe for 8+ years that I never saw him for who he truly was but for whoever he showed me he was based on what he knew I liked and wanted in a person. I can't believe I trusted him so deeply, loved him, and cared about him to the degree that I had. It still hurts, when I think about it. On Thursday I was extremely tempted to text him and tell him I miss him - but it wouldn't change anything. He would still be who he is and I would be who I am.. and we are very different people living very different lives. I truly just miss the person I believed was my best friend - not all of it could have been a lie. He must be that person - that I fell for, in there somewhere... but he's just incapable of being that person under certain circumstances maybe, I don't know. But it was hard and I am still learning to cope on my own without turning to him.
While he was here (the 3 weeks he was) my dog Silas got out of the house and someone took him. We haven't found him and I'm pretty sure whoever it was kept him or sold him. I miss him a lot. My mom gave me his puppies but it's not the same. I am slowly learning to love them, but I was so hurt by the loss of Silas that I didn't bond to them right away. It's been a difficult thing for me.
Then my uncle Russ passed away shortly after that and although we weren't close I have a lot of good memories of him. He was the only one of my dads brothers who I liked, who I looked up to, who was kind and gentle. I appreciated him as a person, although I don't think he ever knew that. I felt guilt when I learned of his passing. I went into my last fb messages with him and he was the ONLY person ever, to have messaged me about Bennett. He said he saw pictures of him that I had posted and that they made him smile. And I ignored him. It had nothing to do with him, I'm sure I was just way too overwhelmed in my life to talk to much of anybody. I wish I hadn't ignored him. He was the only person who showed any kind of support for me at that time or even showed me they thought of me and would show care.
Not too long after that, my cousin April (my uncle Russ's daughter) kept asking me if I had a spare room for her to stay in, claimed she was being abused by her boyfriend and that she desperately needed somewhere to stay. I took her in and it was one of the worst choices I've ever made. She was abusive toward my children, she was rude very often, she would say such harmful and callous things, I often put her in her place and she would cry and apologize. I felt like I was caring for a young teenager who was hormonal, selfish, and just downright mean sometimes. She would say things that would undermine me or judge me as a parent, she would insult me backhandedly, and the final blow was when I told her I was expecting another baby and she said "Well, hopefully you'll miscarry". I told her to get out. Well, then as she was getting her stuff out of my house she ended up stealing over $1,400 from me, stole my light from my bathroom, stole pots and pans from me, and other things around my home - including the infinity scarf that Bennett's mom had given me one year for my birthday. I was beyond furious. She is truly lucky that I have my kids and I care about and love them more than I would love to get revenge on her. She's the lowest of scum in my mind and that will never change.
A couple months after that, I was helping out my other cousin from the opposite side of the family, Mandi - I started babysitting her 13 yr old and 3 month old while she worked a VERY high paying job (she would bring home at least $300 a night) and yet she was only paying me 5-6$ an hour for 2 kids, while expecting me to clean, go grocery shopping, prepare and cook dinner etc... when I tried to discuss being paid more with her she lost her shit. She blew up my phone texting me, name calling me, insulting me, and then she texted my mom blowing up her phone til past midnight after I had blocked her number.
I clearly don't have great people always entering my life..
Soon after that my sister moved in with her girlfriend Amanda.. who was very abusive toward my sister. MY sister was very suicidal and for months I worried about her and if she would live and be ok. I had to hide her meds and monitor her intake. I was so scared for her well being. I just wanted to be there for her and be the best I could be for her but it's hard for her to let me in. Amanda is still hurting her but she no longer is living here... Amanda that is. Moe is still here and I hope that our relationship can grow deeper over time.
Then to top everything off Justin and I went through a really rough patch... I almost left him. He agreed on going to a personal therapist as well as attending couples therapy with me. So that's where we are and I can tell that he IS trying and that is all I can ask of him. This rough patch was because I had found out that he lied to me for THREE months about work. He was laid off every Tuesday and Thursday and never told me! When I asked him about the pay drop he lied to me and said it must have been a pay error! FOR MONTHS. I trusted him, I believed him, and I made it work financially by starting to work myself... because he is my husband... only to find out that he lied to me. I felt so betrayed. I found out in December that he had been lying to me since September. But we are working on it and I think we will get through it. We will be ok.
The holidays came and went and they went well. I was sad about Thanksgiving because it was typically my uncle jacks holiday but we held it at my moms instead... and Christmas was usually at my uncles house too.. but we held it at my moms.. I didn't like the change. It felt wrong. But I know that he was there with us and wanted us to celebrate it with joy and happiness so I did my best.
I gave my grandma a shawl I worked hard crocheting for her and she cried, so that made me feel really good. I also gave her pillows and a quilt that I had sewn her out of my uncle Jack's shirts.. it was my moms idea but she had me put it all together. My grandma cried a lot but she really loved it, I'm happy I could do that for her.
I had so many hard times, emotional times, I had times I wanted to self harm, I wanted to give up, I wanted to say fuck everything and just not deal with any of it. I called the suicide prevention hotline I think 3 times and they were amazing. Such a great support. But I got through it. *I* did. Nobody else. I did it. And I am so immensely proud of myself. I didn't self harm, I didn't attempt suicide, and I found my way through. I've come such a long way... and I hope that 2018 will be a year of relaxation with my new baby, my family, and happiness. <3
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