Journal of Positivity - day 2

Hm, so today mark and I picked Lailah up and left to drop him off at work. Then Lai and I went to the zoo! I love the zoo, she does too! I got her a new pair of sunglasses and a zoo book. One day I'll read it to her.
We went back and got Mark and ate lunch at Chelo's. After that we hung out at the office for a bit. Lai and I played some games online and then she hugged and cuddled with me. I loved it so much!
She means everything to me. More than ever imaginable.
I love Mark so extremely much as well.
Today I heard a song by Demi Lavato and it goes:

Skies are crying, I am watching, catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper.
Like a skyscraper.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you get GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can TAKE and keep moving forward. That's how WINNING IS DONE. Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be, because of him, her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain't you! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!."
- Rocky Balboa

"Our deepest fears are not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

"It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Playing small doesn't serve the world, there is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children. Not just some of us, it's in all of us. As we let our own light shine, we are constantly giving other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from all fear."

"What self-inflicted rule says you can't, you shouldn't, or just play it safe? The outrageous life longs to live! To be unshackled, unashamed; fearless, and selfless in the pursuit of the desired.
Unimaginable joy awaits those brave souls who break from their safe perch behind a window pane to dance in the rain and scoff at the winds. There is so much more to life, with more life to live, priceless treasures longing to spill out from the broken vessel we once were. What are we holding onto anyway? Memories? Beliefs? Dreams? Regrets? Let them go. LIVE, yes, live outrageously. Do something unexpected, unrehearsed, unsafe; throw caution to the wind, bite off more than you can chew, break a rule or two, or maybe three or four even. What do we really have to lose anyway? If you were truly content you would have stopped reading by now, so let the restless discontent with the usual shake you from your slumbering safety and burst forth in newness of life.
This is the Perfect Moment."

Journal of positivity - day 1

This is part experiment, part vow. Everything that is to go in here MUST be positive. Even if my thoughts aren't at the time. I will make them.

This morning Mark and I brought Lailah out for breakfast. I am blessed to have them both in my life. They both have provided me with so much love and opportunity to grow and create a beautiful future. At breakfast Lailah played just about every game on my phone. She is so beautiful and smart. She's made it a routine to always try to blow her straw wrapper at Mark. lol She makes me so happy. I love her more than anyone could ever imagine possible and I guess that's what it's like to be a mother of such a beautiful little girl.

Then we ate our breakfast. I had my usual 222 and Lai had her usual of homefries, some of my French toast (she called them pancakes, idk why lol) and bacon. She is my life.

Then Mark and I brought her back to her grandparents, John and Melanie's. She held me so tight, hugging me. She misses me. One day we will have a home together and not have to be apart for so long anymore.

Then Mark and I went to work, we also got this new journal and a planner for me. I will become more organized. I will get my life together. I was blessed to have met my boyfriend last December. He means so much to me. I'm extremely lucky to have him. He has been there for me through so much and I'm really grateful. He's brought so much light to my life and although it's stressful I couldn't ask for more. He's provided a lot of opportunities for me and has and is continuing to help me grow as a person every single day. Not a day goes by where he isn't kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.
It's amazing.
I will start showing him how important he is to me. How much I love him too.
We now have this thing where I say, "I love you."
He says, "I love you too."
I say, "I love you more."
He says, "I love you most."
It's adorable.

Anyways, :) Lailah just called me as Mark and I were leaving work. She was giggling uncontrollably. I couldn't help but be happy knowing that she is mine. This beautiful blessing was born from myself. I couldn't help but laugh along. She asked me what I was doing. I replied that I was leaving work. She asked if I was with Mark and if he was near me. I replied, yes he is. She laughed and laughed, saying hat she was laughing at Mark. Saying that he is so funny and that I also am funny. How a 3 year olds mind works I don't know exactly but I'm happy it works as it does because there is nothing I'd rather hear than her laughter.
I never knew before what being a mother could bring. Now though, I wouldn't change it for a thing.
Tomorrow Lailah and I have a park date and probably some lunch. I'm happy and excited.

All over the place.

Het it's me again. I haven't written in a long time. So I guess I'll update. I'm still with Mark. It's been 8 months. He gave me a promise ring a couple days ago, on the 24th o July. I am so totally in love with this man. Anyways, recently I've been falling apart. I'm jealous of other girls, especially Caroline still. She's always telling Mark how much she loves him and misses him. I'm so afraid of losing him somehow. I've been feeling like a failure recently even though I got a job, working with Mark at Vector. I've sold almost 10k in sale. I've saved up almost 1k in my savings account. I don't hear much from Elizabeth and I kind of don't care to either. When Bennett was born he was 6 weeks early. I got into a small accident on the highway and started having contractions, I went directly to the hospital and had him the next day. I called Elizabeth and Nathan when I didn't have to. I let them hear Bennett be born. I let them come to RI and go to the NICU. I let them old him and have a  daily pass. None of which I had to do. Elizabeth promised that Bennett could continue on breast milk - the only thing I could do for him. But she lied. I left the hospital Sunday and on Monday she told me she wasn't going to feed it to him any longer then she said she would let me know before Bennett left the hospital to go home to SC with them. She lied again. I wanted at least one picture f Lailah and Bennett which now I'll never have. I did so much for them that I didn't have to do, then they betrayed me!
Moving on -- I feel like a worthless mom. I can't support even just Lailah cuz I'm trying to save for a life, a future.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.

What's wrong with me

• I get depressed a lot
• I don't have friends
• I can't hold myself together
• Mark and Lailah are my everythings
• I'm unmotivated
• I'm not smart
• not in college
• my car is a piece of shit
• I get an attitude because I'm upset often
• I want more than what I have.
• I get frustrated and stressed out very easily

I want to be better. I want to own my own house I want to raise my daughter. I wan to have friends I can confide in. I want everything I might not deserve.

I want to feel okay. I want to feel accepted every day.

I want to love myself.

Things that might make me happy:

• a home
• a new car
• a family
• steady good income
• savings
• a husband
• a new baby
• donating
• to be successful

Maybe I'll never feel satisfies, maybe I'm broken or missing something.

Then I feel like secluding myself and quitting. But I'll continue staying strong.
I will not give in.

I have to learn to love myself. Accept myself. Just like I love and accept Mark.

Mark is my angel sent to save me.

Like Lailah is my angel sent to protect me.

Until savior came. I'm blessed to have them both and I often forget.

One day I will love and accept myself. One day. I will be happy.

 - Now, I'm not as awesome as other people who say, "Why not today!?!"

I'm not ready.

Thankful List

• Lailah
• Mark
• My car
• Bennett is loved and safe
• I have a job making good money
• My mom has become more than before - loving
• I'm saving some money
• I have a place to stay in the mean time and food to eat
• I've met more people like myself on FB's "sisterhood"
• I'm pretty
• I'm alive
• I'm healthy

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! FUCK MY LIFE. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE MYSELF

I FORGET

EVERYTHING

I'M SO FUCKING STUPID ALL THE TIME! WHY DO I KEEP TRYING WEN I CLERLY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

Mark is much better off without me. I should go home.  suck at everything I do. Not even sometimes. ALL the time. Maybe I AM a failure.

If Mark or someone was wrong ALL the time, I wouldn't be able to stand it. But I am stuck with myself.

I hate this life.