All over the place.

Het it's me again. I haven't written in a long time. So I guess I'll update. I'm still with Mark. It's been 8 months. He gave me a promise ring a couple days ago, on the 24th o July. I am so totally in love with this man. Anyways, recently I've been falling apart. I'm jealous of other girls, especially Caroline still. She's always telling Mark how much she loves him and misses him. I'm so afraid of losing him somehow. I've been feeling like a failure recently even though I got a job, working with Mark at Vector. I've sold almost 10k in sale. I've saved up almost 1k in my savings account. I don't hear much from Elizabeth and I kind of don't care to either. When Bennett was born he was 6 weeks early. I got into a small accident on the highway and started having contractions, I went directly to the hospital and had him the next day. I called Elizabeth and Nathan when I didn't have to. I let them hear Bennett be born. I let them come to RI and go to the NICU. I let them old him and have a  daily pass. None of which I had to do. Elizabeth promised that Bennett could continue on breast milk - the only thing I could do for him. But she lied. I left the hospital Sunday and on Monday she told me she wasn't going to feed it to him any longer then she said she would let me know before Bennett left the hospital to go home to SC with them. She lied again. I wanted at least one picture f Lailah and Bennett which now I'll never have. I did so much for them that I didn't have to do, then they betrayed me!
Moving on -- I feel like a worthless mom. I can't support even just Lailah cuz I'm trying to save for a life, a future.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.

What's wrong with me

• I get depressed a lot
• I don't have friends
• I can't hold myself together
• Mark and Lailah are my everythings
• I'm unmotivated
• I'm not smart
• not in college
• my car is a piece of shit
• I get an attitude because I'm upset often
• I want more than what I have.
• I get frustrated and stressed out very easily

I want to be better. I want to own my own house I want to raise my daughter. I wan to have friends I can confide in. I want everything I might not deserve.

I want to feel okay. I want to feel accepted every day.

I want to love myself.

Things that might make me happy:

• a home
• a new car
• a family
• steady good income
• savings
• a husband
• a new baby
• donating
• to be successful

Maybe I'll never feel satisfies, maybe I'm broken or missing something.

Then I feel like secluding myself and quitting. But I'll continue staying strong.
I will not give in.

I have to learn to love myself. Accept myself. Just like I love and accept Mark.

Mark is my angel sent to save me.

Like Lailah is my angel sent to protect me.

Until savior came. I'm blessed to have them both and I often forget.

One day I will love and accept myself. One day. I will be happy.

 - Now, I'm not as awesome as other people who say, "Why not today!?!"

I'm not ready.

Thankful List

• Lailah
• Mark
• My car
• Bennett is loved and safe
• I have a job making good money
• My mom has become more than before - loving
• I'm saving some money
• I have a place to stay in the mean time and food to eat
• I've met more people like myself on FB's "sisterhood"
• I'm pretty
• I'm alive
• I'm healthy

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! FUCK MY LIFE. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE MYSELF

I FORGET

EVERYTHING

I'M SO FUCKING STUPID ALL THE TIME! WHY DO I KEEP TRYING WEN I CLERLY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

Mark is much better off without me. I should go home.  suck at everything I do. Not even sometimes. ALL the time. Maybe I AM a failure.

If Mark or someone was wrong ALL the time, I wouldn't be able to stand it. But I am stuck with myself.

I hate this life.