The start of something new....

I haven't written in a long time. I'm starting over. New me, new motivation, same mother, different guy, new friends, new life goals, and new plans.
My story:
Yesterday Bennett turned 14 months old. It's still not easy to deal with. Might not ever be. I miss him. I get pictures of him about once or twice a month. My update is that he's almost walking, he has 4 teeth, and that's about it. He's so cute though. Looks like his paternal half. He has my eyes though. I haven't really been living through my loss or my pain. I've pretty much ignored it.
I guess it's just been easier for me to get caught up in something else.
One day though I'm going to be someone he'll be proud of and he'll understand why I had to make that choice for him and he'll love me... I hope anyways.

Lailah is 4. She is so intelligent and beautiful. She loves to learn. Big blue eyes, short thin blonde hair. She looks just like me from when I was a child. It's summer and she practically never takes her bathing suit off. She loves the pool. She's bossy though, she hates not being heard. She's been getting a lot of time out recently. She's been bossy to other kids and not so nice. She's been hitting and shoving and saying mean things to other kids.
I've tried talking to her, time outs, lengthening time outs, taking her Gameboy away for a week. I feel lost sometimes but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.
She loves to play pretend and play house. She's just amazing. She is so funny! She says the most hilarious stuff, quite the personality. She's very animated. She loves to take things apart and put things back together and also for things to be near and clean. She even does the dishes, yes, at 4! lol She also puts the tv on and changes the channel to baseball and basketball to watch it. She wants to do so many things. She'll be very well rounded.
She wants to take dance, gymnastics, softball, basketball, and I'm sure more things eventually. She's interested in everything anybody does. I love her so entirely much.

Anyway, a new me. I'm finally on meds for bi-polar. I'm finally just one person. I have motivation. I'm in school for medical assisting and doing extremely well. I got straight A's last mod - 97 in student success, 96 in Medical terminology, and a 95 in Computer health care applications. This mod I'm also doing well. I got a 100 on my medical billing, coding, and reimbursement midterm. And an 87 in safety in healthcare. I'm very proud of myself, finally.

I met a bunch of great, supportive people on facebook in a birthmother support group. They are so helpful and there to pick me up when I fall down. Thank God for those ladies. (No, I still don't believe in a God). But you know what I mean.
I'm still Best friends with Tom. He is awesome. A sincere good friend. He can always make me laugh, I believe.

Random side note - Lailah has a hamster - his or her name was chipmunk, now it's name is baby bird ... LOL

Ok, back to Tom. I believe he's in love with me, poor guy. He will do anything for me. He even bought me pizza and cheese sticks the other day, from Dominos, he's so sweet.
I need him there for me and I can't ever ruin that. He's the one person I believe I can always fall back on in a time of need and he will never judge me.

So, I met a new guy, Mark and I broke up. Mark couldn't deal with how I felt about Bennett's adoption. he couldn't deal with my postpartum depression and bi-polar. I don't blame him. I was awful. I do miss him and love him for being there for me through the adoption and everything but I guess we were meant to go our separate ways. He taught me a lot and I'm glad we had that time together.  He has definitely helped me become a much better person and for that I'm thankful.

Anyways, my new guy's name is Justin. He is an amazing guy. He listens to me, we get along, he makes me laugh, we're goofy together, we like some of the same music, and we get along so well.

Long Time gone, everyday is still a new beginning.

So, I haven't posted in a long time. My new beginning was supposed to be me moving away with my boyfriend and living a happy life, but that just didn't happen. He is now my ex. It's a really long story. Basically, he moved away.. loved his "new life" better without me. Told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore and wasn't going to choose to be with me, or not with me. We eventually broke up and I went psycho. Literally. I just lost my mind.
Anyways, I guess the past is the past.. but I got back up and started another new beginning. Last night I was talking to a friend. I said, We all fall down, we just have to get back up. A child falls how many times when he/she's learning to walk? Yeah, plenty of times? They might resort back to crawling for a while too, but we always got back up and tried again ! Right? Of course, and if we didn't have to motivation, we never would have got anywhere.
Well, here we are in the future.. I'm stuck in the middle of a very complicated situation.. with a new guy I'm seeing. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should wait around for this guy, for God knows how long. I wanted to, I wanted to so so bad. I miss him, I might have even fallen for him... Or am in the process of. But, it's recently turned into a drama fest because of a member of his family.. How can I compete with people he grew up around? I don't even think I can handle it? Last night a friend of mine and myself we went over every single scenario we could possibly think of, and most of them didn't end well. Oh well, thank you life. Well, if one window closes, I just have to open another one, right?
Anyways, I guess I'm the kind of person who just likes to pretend things don't happen and once they're "over" I pretend to move on. I hate to feel "weak". I'm still working on my complaining though. WHILE things are not the way I'm happy with, I bring it up to everyone possible. I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess, reassurance.. I guess.. I don't know. I don't know why I do it. My mind just seems to run a billion thoughts a minute and whatever the problem is just stuck on my mind, replaying and replaying and I just feel more anxious and more sick. I just, I can't deal with it, I don't want to deal with it.. I guess I just try so hard to get out.
Today, I'm just trying to live in the now, no matter how stressed and anxious I feel. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and it just might bring the end to something I felt could have been a good thing.
On another note, the other night when I broke down I realize most of the pain inside that I feel, revolves around me feeling that my son was taken from me, that I'm mad at my ex for lying and taking everything I had and leaving me struggling to get back on my feet, and wondering why things always have to end so harshly. I always knew the world was a cruel place. I guess, I just didn't think it could be this cruel.