I haven't written in a long time. I'm starting over. New me, new motivation, same mother, different guy, new friends, new life goals, and new plans.
My story:
Yesterday Bennett turned 14 months old. It's still not easy to deal with. Might not ever be. I miss him. I get pictures of him about once or twice a month. My update is that he's almost walking, he has 4 teeth, and that's about it. He's so cute though. Looks like his paternal half. He has my eyes though. I haven't really been living through my loss or my pain. I've pretty much ignored it.
I guess it's just been easier for me to get caught up in something else.
One day though I'm going to be someone he'll be proud of and he'll understand why I had to make that choice for him and he'll love me... I hope anyways.
Lailah is 4. She is so intelligent and beautiful. She loves to learn. Big blue eyes, short thin blonde hair. She looks just like me from when I was a child. It's summer and she practically never takes her bathing suit off. She loves the pool. She's bossy though, she hates not being heard. She's been getting a lot of time out recently. She's been bossy to other kids and not so nice. She's been hitting and shoving and saying mean things to other kids.
I've tried talking to her, time outs, lengthening time outs, taking her Gameboy away for a week. I feel lost sometimes but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.
She loves to play pretend and play house. She's just amazing. She is so funny! She says the most hilarious stuff, quite the personality. She's very animated. She loves to take things apart and put things back together and also for things to be near and clean. She even does the dishes, yes, at 4! lol She also puts the tv on and changes the channel to baseball and basketball to watch it. She wants to do so many things. She'll be very well rounded.
She wants to take dance, gymnastics, softball, basketball, and I'm sure more things eventually. She's interested in everything anybody does. I love her so entirely much.
Anyway, a new me. I'm finally on meds for bi-polar. I'm finally just one person. I have motivation. I'm in school for medical assisting and doing extremely well. I got straight A's last mod - 97 in student success, 96 in Medical terminology, and a 95 in Computer health care applications. This mod I'm also doing well. I got a 100 on my medical billing, coding, and reimbursement midterm. And an 87 in safety in healthcare. I'm very proud of myself, finally.
I met a bunch of great, supportive people on facebook in a birthmother support group. They are so helpful and there to pick me up when I fall down. Thank God for those ladies. (No, I still don't believe in a God). But you know what I mean.
I'm still Best friends with Tom. He is awesome. A sincere good friend. He can always make me laugh, I believe.
Random side note - Lailah has a hamster - his or her name was chipmunk, now it's name is baby bird ... LOL
Ok, back to Tom. I believe he's in love with me, poor guy. He will do anything for me. He even bought me pizza and cheese sticks the other day, from Dominos, he's so sweet.
I need him there for me and I can't ever ruin that. He's the one person I believe I can always fall back on in a time of need and he will never judge me.
So, I met a new guy, Mark and I broke up. Mark couldn't deal with how I felt about Bennett's adoption. he couldn't deal with my postpartum depression and bi-polar. I don't blame him. I was awful. I do miss him and love him for being there for me through the adoption and everything but I guess we were meant to go our separate ways. He taught me a lot and I'm glad we had that time together. He has definitely helped me become a much better person and for that I'm thankful.
Anyways, my new guy's name is Justin. He is an amazing guy. He listens to me, we get along, he makes me laugh, we're goofy together, we like some of the same music, and we get along so well.
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