Fucking drama insanity

My name is Rachael, I'm 22. I have a daughter and a son. I parent my daughter and I have placed my son. When I say placed, yes, I mean adoption. I live with my mom and her "new" husband, along with my brother, sister, and daughter. My life isn't sunshine and rainbows, it's actually far from it.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.