So, I didn't end up smoking. I was going to smoke with Bennett's dad but he never showed, typical. I'm a glutton for punishment. After everything this guy did to me, after raping me, I still search for attachment to the father of a child I birthed. I'm all fucked up.
Typical, whatever.
Instead I did smething else that gave me the same effect. I signed onto facebook and hopped into the Birth mom support group. One woman posted about her nephew and his pregnant girlfriend (age 15). She said they've been asking about adoption and being a teen mom. She wanted to get advice for them. I posted and said:
I would tell them that adoption is the BEST route to go... I was 17 when I got pregnant and I know for a fact I was far far too young to take care of a baby... they can't even take care of themselves nevermind a baby.. yeah, sure... they could get help from others.. but how long would that last? A really long time probably. They should finish HS, get jobs, go to college.. FIRST. Or everything else is going to come SECOND, and that baby has to come FIRST... and that is really hard. It's been 4 years and I'm still getting help from my mom and I feel pathetic about it. I feel so weak all the time and honestly, I hate to face it. I feel she deserves so much more than me... I know in the long run I will be able to provide better for her, but I stil can't shake knowing that I can't give her everything she needs and everything I could to help her flourish into an adult. :/
A woman commented back: "Personally I would never encourage adoption as the BEST route to go for teenagers."
I asked her, "Were you a pregnant teen?"
"Yes, I was. Why?" was the response I got back.
I then answered, "Did you raise or place? I raised my daughter and I don't feel it's what I should have done, I don't fee that my parents helping me was the right thing either. Plus, grandparents get way too attached when the grandbaby is always around... it truly has fucked with me. Her dads momt rying to take custody, my mom threatening me about her."
She also said, "You know, many generations of people got married and had babies while still teenagers. If you really got into genealogy you really get a different perspective on things, how we've extended adolescence way too long."
I responded back again, "And you think we turned out well? I know for sure many of my generation and my parents generations did not turn out well.. if you can't support a baby yourself you should NOT be attempting to support a baby.. everyday I hate myself for not being able to give my daughter everything she should have. It's unfair to her."
To answer my earlier question she said, "Of course I placed, otherwise I wouldn't be in this group, lol".
I informed her that she could have had more than one child, that I do. That I placed my second, giving me perspective of being a teen mom and placing young too.
"Well don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling very differently in 30 years from now, that's all I can say!" is what I got back from her.
I told her I won't because I know myself well an that I'm mature for my age. I also said that one should keep their baby if they want to struggle all the time.
"Whatever, Rachael" lol
low blow there? so immature lady. "You're only 22."
My last and final post to her read:
"Yeah. and the past 4 years haven't changed.... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel how you feel. I'm sorry if you regret your adoption... But I do not regret mine... I do feel sorry for those with problem adoptions. My adoption isn't all peaches and cream either... But one thing that I DO KNOW I will not change my mind on is that I would never want someone to feel how I have. I should have placed my daughter and I LOVE her so much! I love her to death I would never ever do anything to hurt her or to leave her, she is my entire world, my everything, as a child should bee to their parents... but she deseerves better than me. She deserves a mom who finished college, got a good job, could pay for clothes, go on vacations, & have great birthdays that she doesn't forget! And 4 years later.... I STILL CAN'T PROVIDE THAT STUFF. I can barely put food in my own stomach, nevermind my daughters. And if I didn't have my mom... where the hell would we be? We would be starved, bouncing around, trying to figure stuff out. I would be on state care, working 2/3 jobs, paying for someone else to RAISE my child. And if I had kept my son I would be struggling 10x as much. I was a teen mom who decided to raise a child she wasn't ready for. You weren't. You can't say you know both sides of it, of the story. And I have placed my son, I know how that feels too."
I guess this bothers me so much because I know how hard it is to be a teen mom, I know what it takes and other teens shouldn't do that to the baby/child, they should be 100% ready. Okay I lie, but at least over 50-60%!
I really want another baby but I know I can't have one. It hurts inside. I really miss Bennett, nothing I can do though, right? I guess my body just craves a baby. Baby fever, ugh. I want to feel life inside me again, then I want to hold my new little one against my skin. Weird? Oh well... Welcome to life post placement. I should head off the bed, I have school tomorrow, yeah yeah, fun.
(Rereading this on 1/1/2016 - the following messages will be from that date)
Good God I was soooooooooo brainwashed into believing I couldn't parent because I was already a failure. It's so apparent that I only placed because I believed I was a shitty ass mom and I wasn't. I needed up - I STILL need help, sure. But NOW I know that my children are always better off WITH ME. We're not rich financially - NO. But we are rich in love. Both my children DID and DO deserve me.... they fucked bad with my head. They really got in there and made me so insecure as a person and as a mother (the agency that is and others who pushed adoption on me at that time). Then again, at that time I had to keep believing the brainwashing so that the loss of Bennett wouldn't overtake me.... but look at the post right before this one.... I was clearly not OKAY. I was an unstable complete mess and largely due to having lost my son to adoption. I was drinking so heavily and crossfading to deal with the pain of Bennett's first birthday approaching and all the while I was trying my damnest to ignore it all, ignore the pain and suffering I had inside. I had no idea.... I was so so so far gone in my trauma. :( They manipulated me and took advantage of me to take my son from me. Reading this hurts my heart so bad for younger me..... </3
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