So, I didn't end up smoking. I was going to smoke with Bennett's dad but he never showed, typical. I'm a glutton for punishment. After everything this guy did to me, after raping me, I still search for attachment to the father of a child I birthed. I'm all fucked up.
Typical, whatever.
Instead I did smething else that gave me the same effect. I signed onto facebook and hopped into the Birth mom support group. One woman posted about her nephew and his pregnant girlfriend (age 15). She said they've been asking about adoption and being a teen mom. She wanted to get advice for them. I posted and said:
I would tell them that adoption is the BEST route to go... I was 17 when I got pregnant and I know for a fact I was far far too young to take care of a baby... they can't even take care of themselves nevermind a baby.. yeah, sure... they could get help from others.. but how long would that last? A really long time probably. They should finish HS, get jobs, go to college.. FIRST. Or everything else is going to come SECOND, and that baby has to come FIRST... and that is really hard. It's been 4 years and I'm still getting help from my mom and I feel pathetic about it. I feel so weak all the time and honestly, I hate to face it. I feel she deserves so much more than me... I know in the long run I will be able to provide better for her, but I stil can't shake knowing that I can't give her everything she needs and everything I could to help her flourish into an adult. :/
A woman commented back: "Personally I would never encourage adoption as the BEST route to go for teenagers."
I asked her, "Were you a pregnant teen?"
"Yes, I was. Why?" was the response I got back.
I then answered, "Did you raise or place? I raised my daughter and I don't feel it's what I should have done, I don't fee that my parents helping me was the right thing either. Plus, grandparents get way too attached when the grandbaby is always around... it truly has fucked with me. Her dads momt rying to take custody, my mom threatening me about her."
She also said, "You know, many generations of people got married and had babies while still teenagers. If you really got into genealogy you really get a different perspective on things, how we've extended adolescence way too long."
I responded back again, "And you think we turned out well? I know for sure many of my generation and my parents generations did not turn out well.. if you can't support a baby yourself you should NOT be attempting to support a baby.. everyday I hate myself for not being able to give my daughter everything she should have. It's unfair to her."
To answer my earlier question she said, "Of course I placed, otherwise I wouldn't be in this group, lol".
I informed her that she could have had more than one child, that I do. That I placed my second, giving me perspective of being a teen mom and placing young too.
"Well don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling very differently in 30 years from now, that's all I can say!" is what I got back from her.
I told her I won't because I know myself well an that I'm mature for my age. I also said that one should keep their baby if they want to struggle all the time.
"Whatever, Rachael" lol
low blow there? so immature lady. "You're only 22."
My last and final post to her read:
"Yeah. and the past 4 years haven't changed.... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel how you feel. I'm sorry if you regret your adoption... But I do not regret mine... I do feel sorry for those with problem adoptions. My adoption isn't all peaches and cream either... But one thing that I DO KNOW I will not change my mind on is that I would never want someone to feel how I have. I should have placed my daughter and I LOVE her so much! I love her to death I would never ever do anything to hurt her or to leave her, she is my entire world, my everything, as a child should bee to their parents... but she deseerves better than me. She deserves a mom who finished college, got a good job, could pay for clothes, go on vacations, & have great birthdays that she doesn't forget! And 4 years later.... I STILL CAN'T PROVIDE THAT STUFF. I can barely put food in my own stomach, nevermind my daughters. And if I didn't have my mom... where the hell would we be? We would be starved, bouncing around, trying to figure stuff out. I would be on state care, working 2/3 jobs, paying for someone else to RAISE my child. And if I had kept my son I would be struggling 10x as much. I was a teen mom who decided to raise a child she wasn't ready for. You weren't. You can't say you know both sides of it, of the story. And I have placed my son, I know how that feels too."
I guess this bothers me so much because I know how hard it is to be a teen mom, I know what it takes and other teens shouldn't do that to the baby/child, they should be 100% ready. Okay I lie, but at least over 50-60%!
I really want another baby but I know I can't have one. It hurts inside. I really miss Bennett, nothing I can do though, right? I guess my body just craves a baby. Baby fever, ugh. I want to feel life inside me again, then I want to hold my new little one against my skin. Weird? Oh well... Welcome to life post placement. I should head off the bed, I have school tomorrow, yeah yeah, fun.
(Rereading this on 1/1/2016 - the following messages will be from that date)
Good God I was soooooooooo brainwashed into believing I couldn't parent because I was already a failure. It's so apparent that I only placed because I believed I was a shitty ass mom and I wasn't. I needed up - I STILL need help, sure. But NOW I know that my children are always better off WITH ME. We're not rich financially - NO. But we are rich in love. Both my children DID and DO deserve me.... they fucked bad with my head. They really got in there and made me so insecure as a person and as a mother (the agency that is and others who pushed adoption on me at that time). Then again, at that time I had to keep believing the brainwashing so that the loss of Bennett wouldn't overtake me.... but look at the post right before this one.... I was clearly not OKAY. I was an unstable complete mess and largely due to having lost my son to adoption. I was drinking so heavily and crossfading to deal with the pain of Bennett's first birthday approaching and all the while I was trying my damnest to ignore it all, ignore the pain and suffering I had inside. I had no idea.... I was so so so far gone in my trauma. :( They manipulated me and took advantage of me to take my son from me. Reading this hurts my heart so bad for younger me..... </3
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Fucking drama insanity
My name is Rachael, I'm 22. I have a daughter and a son. I parent my daughter and I have placed my son. When I say placed, yes, I mean adoption. I live with my mom and her "new" husband, along with my brother, sister, and daughter. My life isn't sunshine and rainbows, it's actually far from it.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)