In a head that doesn't make sense.

So... here we are again. Where my fingers meet the keyboard for me to rant, bitch, complain, share concerns, mishaps, and great fortunes. Ha.
Anyways... since my last post things have been pretty nuts.
I've started school back up and it's great, I love learning. It makes me nervous but it's well worth the uncomfortable-ness.

Okay okay, enough small talk, let's cut to the chase.

I'm in love with two guys. I love my boyfriend of a year and I love my best friend of 4 years. How can one simply get out of this one? I'm so torn and I don't even know what to do anymore. I call it a 'standstill'. 

My very best friend - he's like my other half. We're always on the same page. We consult with each other. It's like we share brains with each other. It's not about appearance or sex or anything. We intellectually and mentally fit together. We're so in sync it's crazy. We sometimes swear we're psychic with each other. We always know, or attempt to know, what the other is talking about and know each others personalities to a T. He has always been there, almost every single day for the past 4 years. He's been there through my manic episodes, my psychosis, my depressions (rapid cycling bipolar 1). He's been there to challenge my thinking and remind me why I should choose to keep going. He's been the light in all my darkness.

My boyfriend - It's been the opposite. I always get him, understand him, know him to a T. but I feel he can't do the same. I took him in from an old broken down house with nothing in it, no parents around and little 'family'. I bailed him out of jail for a crime he didn't commit and I helped him fight his way out of a crime he battled with for 3 years - he was found innocent after my talk with the public defender. I care for him, I give him home and food, but he can't understand me. I don't even think he could handle me. My actual self. The one I repress. I don't think he'd still love that part of me. Even though he's loving, passionate, kind, sweet... but more like a dog. He's obedient and loyal without asking questions. 

I love them both. Them and my daughter are my life. 
I just want to keep feeling like everything will work itself out. So much is going on but I feel a lot more at peace with it than ever before. I feel human. 

Tonight I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we could go on a break. I told him my thoughts and reasons. Mostly that I feel that we don't really 'mentally and intellectually' fit together. It's true. We're so different. We learned a lot from one other but I don't know if we're at the same points in our lives to start to learn together. We've already taught each other most of what we know and now we should be growing together, I feel... but he's not comfortable with that yet. Which is fine... but I don't know if it'll work for us in our relationship. 
I feel so mean though. I don't intend on hurting anybody and the fact is: is that I am. I'm hurting someone. I'm hurting my boyfriend. I didn't mean for this to happen. I could apologize my life away and I don't know if I could be forgiven. I wish life could be a bit easier... but then it wouldn't be worth it though, huh? 

A new year - A new me?

It's 2013. Forever seems to have gone by. I've come a long way but I still have my struggles. I have many topics to talk about but I think they all would be a bit much for this one post, although I may touch upon as many as I can. :p
Well, Lailah's 5th birthday is coming up and I can not believe it ! I'm teaching her to say she's "half a decade old." I'm teaching her what decade is also ! She is such a beautiful, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, understanding, loving, kind, compassionate.... little girl ! I could go on and on and on bragging about how wonderful she is. I am blessed to have her as my own little one.
I'm with that guy, from the last post. I am so so glad that I didn't let his family get in the way ! He is wonderful and I love him so much ! He's so cute and caring, he's great, really. He spoils me and he's the first guy I actually have ever felt truly loved by. We live together at my dads house, we rent a room for cheap. We're making it work... which leads me into my next topic... Child care.
Child care feels like an impossibility. I don't have near enough money to pay for child care. I work as a host at a restaurant and I make some tips - it's not bad. Definitely not enough to pay for child care though, it's so expensive ! So today I went down to DHS to see if they could help me but the woman told me that because I'm in college I can't get daycare assistance, that I can only get it for work hours and not school hours. But I work at night when I can easily get a daycare - during the day everyone that normally helps me works, because that's what normal people do daily, right? You'd think they'd understand that, but apparently not. So, I'm gonna ask my school if I can somehow switch to night classes - I don't know if I can though. Gotta ask to find out though..
I am SUPER excited !! Today my sons mom told me that we can do FaceTime on the Iphones (I got it SUPER cheap at Walmart !) this Saturday at 11am !! It's a date ! I'll get to see my baby live for the FIRST TIME since he was 3 days old !! <3 I can not wait and I bet Lailah will love it as well. :D
I'm almost finished with my school program !! 5 more weeks in class and 5 weeks in externship, today I asked Lailah's Pediatric office if they do externship and they do ! I hope I can get placed there, that would be SO great ! I'm hoping everything with the daycare thing works out... I really need it to. I hope the universe works some magic or something.. :/
On another note - I really really want another baby, except the idea that I don't ovulate pops up into my mind. I get breakthrough bleeding often and I've temped and my temps never dropped and went soaring (which indicated ovulation). Also, I get symptoms of low progesterone. I hope I'm not having secondary infertility. :( That would suck... I really want to have another baby though. I know he or she would and never could replace Bennett and I don't want that either. But I really do want to feel pregnancy again and bring home my little bundle of joy.
Well, I should get around to wrapping this up - I think I've touched upon enough for today. Now I'm going to go relax, watch Dragon Tails with my little girl, read her a bedtime story, and tuck her into bed - then night night for me as well ! Gnight people.