In a head that doesn't make sense.

So... here we are again. Where my fingers meet the keyboard for me to rant, bitch, complain, share concerns, mishaps, and great fortunes. Ha.
Anyways... since my last post things have been pretty nuts.
I've started school back up and it's great, I love learning. It makes me nervous but it's well worth the uncomfortable-ness.

Okay okay, enough small talk, let's cut to the chase.

I'm in love with two guys. I love my boyfriend of a year and I love my best friend of 4 years. How can one simply get out of this one? I'm so torn and I don't even know what to do anymore. I call it a 'standstill'. 

My very best friend - he's like my other half. We're always on the same page. We consult with each other. It's like we share brains with each other. It's not about appearance or sex or anything. We intellectually and mentally fit together. We're so in sync it's crazy. We sometimes swear we're psychic with each other. We always know, or attempt to know, what the other is talking about and know each others personalities to a T. He has always been there, almost every single day for the past 4 years. He's been there through my manic episodes, my psychosis, my depressions (rapid cycling bipolar 1). He's been there to challenge my thinking and remind me why I should choose to keep going. He's been the light in all my darkness.

My boyfriend - It's been the opposite. I always get him, understand him, know him to a T. but I feel he can't do the same. I took him in from an old broken down house with nothing in it, no parents around and little 'family'. I bailed him out of jail for a crime he didn't commit and I helped him fight his way out of a crime he battled with for 3 years - he was found innocent after my talk with the public defender. I care for him, I give him home and food, but he can't understand me. I don't even think he could handle me. My actual self. The one I repress. I don't think he'd still love that part of me. Even though he's loving, passionate, kind, sweet... but more like a dog. He's obedient and loyal without asking questions. 

I love them both. Them and my daughter are my life. 
I just want to keep feeling like everything will work itself out. So much is going on but I feel a lot more at peace with it than ever before. I feel human. 

Tonight I talked to my boyfriend and asked him if we could go on a break. I told him my thoughts and reasons. Mostly that I feel that we don't really 'mentally and intellectually' fit together. It's true. We're so different. We learned a lot from one other but I don't know if we're at the same points in our lives to start to learn together. We've already taught each other most of what we know and now we should be growing together, I feel... but he's not comfortable with that yet. Which is fine... but I don't know if it'll work for us in our relationship. 
I feel so mean though. I don't intend on hurting anybody and the fact is: is that I am. I'm hurting someone. I'm hurting my boyfriend. I didn't mean for this to happen. I could apologize my life away and I don't know if I could be forgiven. I wish life could be a bit easier... but then it wouldn't be worth it though, huh?