I haven't been posting lately. Mostly because I don't have the time to get around to it. I almost constantly have Noel - 24-7 and he's getting a lot more active now. He is awake a lot more often and seeking my attention. But let's get down to a new entry.
I've been so stressed out and 'struggling' I guess I would say, lately. I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I want to cry often. I get agitated often and I find myself just wanted to escape and run away. Most of the time I take Noel and I nurse him to sleep as we cuddle and nap. It's my only escape. Right now he's playing with his daddy as I - thankfully, have some time to myself to create this entry and maybe get some emotions out of me and into here.
With Bennett's birthday approaching I find myself sad and grieving all over again. It feels like just a couple weeks ago I had lost him. Having Noel here now also shows me everything I missed out on with him. I catch myself thinking things like - I could never have another child. I could never have more than Lailah, Bennett, and Noel. I can't be the mom they deserve. I can barely get myself to function with them alone while I'm down and struggling. I want what is best for them. I try to get up and be everything they need me to be but it's a strain on me. But I guess that's what being a mommy is. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Having Lailah and Noel here with me is a blessing, a complete blessing. Not having Bennett has proved that to me more than anything - that they are my angels.
I don't know what my problem is recently. I don't want to and don't like how I've been feeling. I have an amazing boyfriend, a gorgeous - smart - amazing little girl, an extremely good - happy baby boy, and a family that is becoming more and more supportive over time of my choices and being there for me. I have been forming a new relationship with my little brother and my mom has been a lot more supportive than she's ever been before.
I haven't even been thinking much lately. I remember back when I was outpatient at Butler hospital taking DBT and mindfulness awareness that they mentioned that feelings come from thoughts. I can't understand that because oftentimes I don't hear my thoughts but I still feel uncontrollably down, overwhelmed, and worn out. Sometimes I just want to smoke again so that I can feel how I WANT to feel. I was still a good mom back when I smoked. I actually was probably a better mom.. time didn't exist and all that mattered was spending time with my little Lailah and my boyfriend and being happy. Well, I lie - I also got through Medical Assisting school with a 3.77 GPA out of a 4.0 ! And I successfully completely an externship. So, I accomplished a lot while I was smoking.
Oh speaking of school. I applied to Johnson and Wales University! I am thinking of taking their Counseling Psychology major to get my Masters degree !! Can you imagine that? I would feel so accomplished and proud of myself if I graduated that program and college! I think psychology would be something I would really enjoy learning and eventually doing with my life. Especially knowing that I would be helping others and actually actively making a difference in their lives. My transcripts from my hs were sent over - which were so crappy, a 2.3 GPA... yikes ! But thankfully I have a 3.77 GPA from Sanford Brown that they will hopefully see and approve!! We will see... I really hope I get into this program. It will be about 5 years until I graduate but it will be SO worth it to do. Fingers crossed that I get in and that I get the financially aid and support I need to complete the program.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Midnight rambling
I feel like I haven't wrote in a pretty long time. It's midnight and I should probably be trying to sleep. I have a lot I want to get done tomorrow.
I have a meeting at Lailah's school tomorrow with the Principal because she hasn't been feeling safe in her classroom since the beginning of the year. I got a note home the other day saying a kid but his hands around her neck. WHAT?! Yeah. So, we're going in to talk about that stuff and to ensure that Lailah will NOT be getting hurt in her classroom by other kids anymore. This isn't the first time but I will be pulling her out of that school so fast if it is not the last.
I then have my therapy appointment.... I really don't know how it's been going to tell the truth. I feel like he just says the same fucking thing over and over and over and I want to shout - Yeah, I get it already - I'm not a fucking idiot. -.- It gets really obnoxious for me to feel as if someone is insulting my intellect.
I also want to contact the school board or whereever it is that I need to contact so I can get my transcripts from Sanford Brown since the school closed down. I also want to phone my hs to get my transcripts from there as well or have my brother pick them up for me since he attends there.
Oh, I haven't been on in so long. I want to get the transcripts because I applied to Johnson and Wales University ! I am thinking of taking counseling psychology.
I have a meeting at Lailah's school tomorrow with the Principal because she hasn't been feeling safe in her classroom since the beginning of the year. I got a note home the other day saying a kid but his hands around her neck. WHAT?! Yeah. So, we're going in to talk about that stuff and to ensure that Lailah will NOT be getting hurt in her classroom by other kids anymore. This isn't the first time but I will be pulling her out of that school so fast if it is not the last.
I then have my therapy appointment.... I really don't know how it's been going to tell the truth. I feel like he just says the same fucking thing over and over and over and I want to shout - Yeah, I get it already - I'm not a fucking idiot. -.- It gets really obnoxious for me to feel as if someone is insulting my intellect.
I also want to contact the school board or whereever it is that I need to contact so I can get my transcripts from Sanford Brown since the school closed down. I also want to phone my hs to get my transcripts from there as well or have my brother pick them up for me since he attends there.
Oh, I haven't been on in so long. I want to get the transcripts because I applied to Johnson and Wales University ! I am thinking of taking counseling psychology.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Bullshit.
It's been a few days and I've been increasingly more upset everyday. I want to be able to control how I feel but I just feel as if that's impossible at the moment. I even have suicidal thoughts rolling around in there. But what can I do about it? How can I get them to stop? Everything pretty much sucks. Sure, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. But nobody in this house respects me or even cares about how I feel or what I think.
I could go back to the mental health hospital but that wouldn't do much except get me away from the environment which would be nice but I'd also be away from my kids which would not be nice at all - especially being away from Noel and knowing he's with these people.
I could go back on Meds but then I'd have to end my breastfeeding journey and my heart would be broken and that would probably make me feel more depressed than anything else right now. Because I feel like it's one of the only bonds I have with anybody.
Well what about Justin? I can hear readers thoughts now. Justin has been working pretty long hours. From 11am-8pm but he takes the bus. So really, he leaves at 9am and he doesn't get home til around 11pm. Recently, with the baby, I have been going to bed around 9pm -10 the absolute latest. I wake up at 7 to get Lailah ready for school and I take a nap with Noel from about 8-10 if at all possible. If I don't then I get to see Justin for a half hour before he gets himself ready for work and leaves.
And I love Lailah to death but she's 6. And she can get rather annoying pretty quickly. Especially when she sees me trying to do something. It's like she purposely interrupts me - everything is about her all the time. I know that's not how it really is. I know she doesn't want to upset me. But it does upset me and I've been snapping lately. I hate that I do but I feel like I am under immense amounts of stress and I don't know how to handle it.
Normally I would try to talk to the person or people that I have an issue with and that person would work with me to come to a solution and I wouldn't have too much of an issue. But with my mom - that's not an option. She flips out and gets angry at absolutely anything I say. ANYTHING. I can not try to bargain with her or come to a mutual understanding. She just loses it. She will toss things in my face and she'll threaten me. It doesn't turn out well. I honestly fear that that Lailah's been getting her, "It's all about ME." issue from her. Because in my moms world it is all about her or she will fuck you over and she will not give a fuck. Even with her own children. The only person she seems to really care the most about is my little brother. She pretends to care about and love her husband but she really must not with the amount they fight. She claims she didn't love my dad yet they never fought even half the amount her and her current husband do. Not even close.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I shouldn't have my kids and I shouldn't be putting them through this bullshit. I feel like there's no way out.
What triggered all this? The fact that I receive zero respect from my mom or her husband. Ex: I got cloth diapers and I was prepping them. I had the bamboo inserts in the washer and my moms husband took them out sopping wet and left them ontop of the dryer. My mom claims that he tried to dry them but they wouldn't dry. Yet I washed and dried all my other inserts and diapers and had no issues whatsoever with drying. He didn't try and he didn't give a fuck to either. I told my mom that someone could have told me. She said back, well you weren't home. Yeah and she must have forgotten the fact that I had a cell phone too? Oh except to tell me to put gas in her car and to make sure I do shit for her.
I could go back to the mental health hospital but that wouldn't do much except get me away from the environment which would be nice but I'd also be away from my kids which would not be nice at all - especially being away from Noel and knowing he's with these people.
I could go back on Meds but then I'd have to end my breastfeeding journey and my heart would be broken and that would probably make me feel more depressed than anything else right now. Because I feel like it's one of the only bonds I have with anybody.
Well what about Justin? I can hear readers thoughts now. Justin has been working pretty long hours. From 11am-8pm but he takes the bus. So really, he leaves at 9am and he doesn't get home til around 11pm. Recently, with the baby, I have been going to bed around 9pm -10 the absolute latest. I wake up at 7 to get Lailah ready for school and I take a nap with Noel from about 8-10 if at all possible. If I don't then I get to see Justin for a half hour before he gets himself ready for work and leaves.
And I love Lailah to death but she's 6. And she can get rather annoying pretty quickly. Especially when she sees me trying to do something. It's like she purposely interrupts me - everything is about her all the time. I know that's not how it really is. I know she doesn't want to upset me. But it does upset me and I've been snapping lately. I hate that I do but I feel like I am under immense amounts of stress and I don't know how to handle it.
Normally I would try to talk to the person or people that I have an issue with and that person would work with me to come to a solution and I wouldn't have too much of an issue. But with my mom - that's not an option. She flips out and gets angry at absolutely anything I say. ANYTHING. I can not try to bargain with her or come to a mutual understanding. She just loses it. She will toss things in my face and she'll threaten me. It doesn't turn out well. I honestly fear that that Lailah's been getting her, "It's all about ME." issue from her. Because in my moms world it is all about her or she will fuck you over and she will not give a fuck. Even with her own children. The only person she seems to really care the most about is my little brother. She pretends to care about and love her husband but she really must not with the amount they fight. She claims she didn't love my dad yet they never fought even half the amount her and her current husband do. Not even close.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I shouldn't have my kids and I shouldn't be putting them through this bullshit. I feel like there's no way out.
What triggered all this? The fact that I receive zero respect from my mom or her husband. Ex: I got cloth diapers and I was prepping them. I had the bamboo inserts in the washer and my moms husband took them out sopping wet and left them ontop of the dryer. My mom claims that he tried to dry them but they wouldn't dry. Yet I washed and dried all my other inserts and diapers and had no issues whatsoever with drying. He didn't try and he didn't give a fuck to either. I told my mom that someone could have told me. She said back, well you weren't home. Yeah and she must have forgotten the fact that I had a cell phone too? Oh except to tell me to put gas in her car and to make sure I do shit for her.
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