Bullshit.

It's been a few days and I've been increasingly more upset everyday. I want to be able to control how I feel but I just feel as if that's impossible at the moment. I even have suicidal thoughts rolling around in there. But what can I do about it? How can I get them to stop? Everything pretty much sucks. Sure, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. But nobody in this house respects me or even cares about how I feel or what I think.
I could go back to the mental health hospital but that wouldn't do much except get me away from the environment which would be nice but I'd also be away from my kids which would not be nice at all - especially being away from Noel and knowing he's with these people.
I could go back on Meds but then I'd have to end my breastfeeding journey and my heart would be broken and that would probably make me feel more depressed than anything else right now. Because I feel like it's one of the only bonds I have with anybody.
Well what about Justin? I can hear readers thoughts now. Justin has been working pretty long hours. From 11am-8pm but he takes the bus. So really, he leaves at 9am and he doesn't get home til around 11pm. Recently, with the baby, I have been going to bed around 9pm -10 the absolute latest. I wake up at 7 to get Lailah ready for school and I take a nap with Noel from about 8-10 if at all possible. If I don't then I get to see Justin for a half hour before he gets himself ready for work and leaves.
And I love Lailah to death but she's 6. And she can get rather annoying pretty quickly. Especially when she sees me trying to do something. It's like she purposely interrupts me - everything is about her all the time. I know that's not how it really is. I know she doesn't want to upset me. But it does upset me and I've been snapping lately. I hate that I do but I feel like I am under immense amounts of stress and I don't know how to handle it.
Normally I would try to talk to the person or people that I have an issue with and that person would work with me to come to a solution and I wouldn't have too much of an issue. But with my mom - that's not an option. She flips out and gets angry at absolutely anything I say. ANYTHING. I can not try to bargain with her or come to a mutual understanding. She just loses it. She will toss things in my face and she'll threaten me. It doesn't turn out well. I honestly fear that that Lailah's been getting her, "It's all about ME." issue from her. Because in my moms world it is all about her or she will fuck you over and she will not give a fuck. Even with her own children. The only person she seems to really care the most about is my little brother. She pretends to care about and love her husband but she really must not with the amount they fight. She claims she didn't love my dad yet they never fought even half the amount her and her current husband do. Not even close.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I shouldn't have my kids and I shouldn't be putting them through this bullshit. I feel like there's no way out.

What triggered all this? The fact that I receive zero respect from my mom or her husband. Ex: I got cloth diapers and I was prepping them. I had the bamboo inserts in the washer and my moms husband took them out sopping wet and left them ontop of the dryer. My mom claims that he tried to dry them but they wouldn't dry. Yet I washed and dried all my other inserts and diapers and had no issues whatsoever with drying. He didn't try and he didn't give a fuck to either. I told my mom that someone could have told me. She said back, well you weren't home. Yeah and she must have forgotten the fact that I had a cell phone too? Oh except to tell me to put gas in her car and to make sure I do shit for her.