Life sentence

I've apparently suffered more from the adoption of my first son than I even let myself know. Inside of me I feel oddly conflicted in a way. I miss him, of course I do. I love him a lot as well. But in my head I guess I've convinced myself that the child that Liz and Nate have - is not mine. Instead I feel like their child is a clone of my baby and my baby died at birth. Which may be fucked up, but it's how I've somehow mentally protected myself.
I'm mentioning all of this though because of what I've had happen since having Noel. First was the nightmares during my pregnancy where TPR papers were hidden in my discharge papers and then I had my baby torn from my arms and wisped away to 'better suited parents'. Then 6 weeks ago when Noel had to go to the hospital for his bladder/kidney infection, I hallucinated that the paramedics in the ambulance were trying to drug me and take my baby away from me.
But the most recent was today. Today I had to go to court for a ticket - my front plate had fallen off and I got an $85 ticket. I brought my sister with me to watch Noel since I couldn't take him into the courtroom with me but I'm his food source. The courthouse was just right upstairs from where my sister and Noel were but I still managed to have multiple anxiety/panic attacks. They were not pleasant at all, let me tell you. I kept thinking about him and if he was okay. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It was mentally and emotionally hard being away from him. I was in the courtroom for about a half hour or so. The entire time I kept thinking, "What if he's screaming right now? What if he needs me? Would Moe alert the lady at the check in so that she could try to find me to alert me? What if Moe gets frustrated with him, would she get frustrated? Would she shake him? Would she ignore his screaming cries? Would she let him feel abandoned? What would happen if he feels I abandoned him? What if he doesn't cry at all. She's going to keep him in his carseat. OMG if he stays in his carseat it could constrict his breathing. What if he stops breathing? What if he dies in his carseat? What would I do? How would I survive losing him?"
It felt like torture the entire time. I just wanted to run and be with him. When we got home we had some much needed cuddles while he nursed.

Inside of me my common sense is screaming, "This is what adoption has done to you. You now have these fears of losing your child. You will always feel paranoid and have anxiety and there's nothing you can ever do. In adoption there is no healing, no moving forward, and no closure. Life sentence ,without parole."