Who am I really?

How do people get over the past? How does one heal and move forward?
I don't mean ignore or go into denial either. Many believe that that is "moving forward". But it's not. It's more like freezing emotions and storing them away while time ticks forward. Those emotions are never dealt with or acknowledge... at least not until a trigger happens at some point.
How does one learn to live happily? I know that a way to live happily is to live in the moment - in each and every precious moment. But if we all did that we would be living blindly - asking to be harmed, no?
Just remembered a thought that I had once before when I was high - One would need to reach the same place mentally and emotionally, view the past memory, and then consciously shift the perspective. After allowing that to happen one may be able to see it differently enough to accept it and heal.

I really miss being high right now. I miss living in the moment. I miss being able to objectively relive my past and work through it. I miss my brain slowing down enough to the point where I could be WHO I WANT TO BE and not who my past has made me.

I don't want to be some of the things I am but it's really hard to change. And changing also makes me feel depressed and lost - like I have no idea who I am anymore.
I don't want to be reactive and angry but I am sometimes and I don't know how to stop myself from it happening and even if I could - who wants to spend their whole life attempting to prevent themselves from being who they apparently truly are? How fucked up is that?!
I don't want to feel like I need some sort of mental stimulation all the time. I don't know why I feel I need it but I get very agitated without some sort of mental stimulation - reading, the laptop, talking to others, watching videos, you know - things like that.
I want to be able to spend more time with my kids and enjoy playing games with Lailah, reading to her, laughing with her. But I don't. I make myself spend time with her and I make myself do things for her that I wanted done for me as a kid - but the entire time I can't stop wanting to go back to my laptop or reading or even just sleeping my whole life away. What kind of mother does that make me? I can tell you, I feel quite sad myself admitting this.
I don't enjoy life. I feel like I've created my own little world - surrounded myself with stimulation that would help me avoid real life, avoid the emotions and pain that real life suffocates me with. It's so overwhelming - I feel so much anxiety when I try to deal with 'the real life'. I feel so much safer in my own bubble - in my own safe haven. But I WANT to enjoy my life - real life. I want to enjoy my kids, enjoy my justin, and enjoy what my future could hold for me. But I don't. Back when I was getting high - I loved every single day, I loved my life, I loved my kids, I loved spending time with Lailah, and life was quite pleasant.
When I woud get high - Lailah was the greatest most amazing thing I could have ever wanted to be around. This little human who was so full of life, spunky, funny, and extremely entertaining. Stuck in my own world - avoiding life, and then trying to join her little world - becomes very overwhelming and triggers such bad anxiety for me. And I hate it. I hate who I am. I want to be who I WANT to be. Who I created myself to be when I smoked. And I miss it. When I smoked I feel like I was ME. I was my TRUE me - with all guards down - able to live in the real world and function like a proper human being.
Apparently though - that's not the real me. The real me is the woman who has a child still stuck inside her, a woman who is afraid of the real world the surrounds her, a woman who has her guards up so hard that she can't even function properly with her own children and not even for her own self.

I feel sad about who I am and I have no idea how to make these feeling that prevent me from being who I want to be - go away. I've been in therapy my whole life, I've tried so many different mediations, and I aim everyday. But my aim is just a facade and behind it - I'm miserable.