Yesterday was Lailah's birthday and she is 6 years old!! It's unbelievable. I feel like so much time has passed but at the same time I feel like I just had her not too long ago. I have a 6 year old child. How did that happen!? How did she grow up so fast?! She is amazing. She's a great little person. She's smart, funny, sarcastic, bright, silly, compassionate, understanding, and she strives to be the best person she can be. What more can I ask from her? I love her so much and I can't imagine it being any other way. She's everything to me. I mean, I love Noel too. But the reason I'm still here today and how I was even here to bring Noel here, is because of her. Because she gave me strength and courage as not only a parent but as a person as well.
In other news, I am pissed off this morning. Why, you ask? Well - last year my dad GAVE my sister and her girlfriend his car. GAVE IT TO THEM. I WORKED for my first car. I worked, I searched for one, and I spent all my money on it. Two years later it broke down and I was pregnant with Bennett and I didn't have a car or even family support. Well, supposedly the car my dad gave to my sister broke down..... my mom GAVE her car to my sister - her BRAND NEW CAR. Last year one of my sisters friends got into an accident in my moms car totaling it. So my mom got a brand new one. She's now GIVING it to my sister and buying a new one. She claims she is not "giving it" to her but that my sister is "working" for it by helping her with her daycare. But my sister is RARELY here helping with the daycare. Definitely not working enough to buy a $20,000+ new car from her. Plus I LIVE HERE, I am ALWAYS here and my mom COULD - well, idk - ASK ME maybe?! But she doesn't. She'd rather give and care more about Moranda and Brian before ever giving a damn about me.
I just WISH I could FEEL that my parents love me even the slightest bit. I wish I could feel like I am cared about and that I mean something to them. I wish I felt that the people that brought me here would feel SOMETHING if I were to be gone from here. But I don't. I don't feel love and I certainly don't feel cared about. I feel like I was a complete unwanted accident that was never wanted to begin with. I feel like I am not supposed to and never was supposed to exist here with them. But I do - and I hate that I do. I wish I didn't. I wish they protected themselves better.
My mom makes me feel like everything is my fault pretty often. She got pregnant with ME and THAT'S why she supposedly got married. Not because she was in love or anything. But because of me. And if it weren't for me then maybe she wouldn't have had to spend her life with a man she really didn't want to and only did for the "sake" of her kids. I wish she had gotten an abortion like her sisters did when they weren't ready for a baby. My mom also tries to tell me bad and negative things about my dad often - which really hurts me because I am A LOT like my dad. But then again, she must know that it hurts me. If I say anything negative about how I feel or whatever she says, "You got that from your father, not from me." She has tried telling me that my dad never loved or cared about me - that he was never around to help her care for us. But I believe that is bullshit. Because I REMEMBER my dad. I don't remember my mom. I remember when my dad taught me to read and write, when he took the time to help me with my homework, when he taught me how to swim, and ride a bike, when he would lay on the grass with me and teach me about the sky and rainbows. I remember when he would sit me up on his lap and do puzzles with me or teach me crosswords and Sudoku. I remember when my dad would play video games with me, laugh with me, and read me a bedtime story every night. I remember that when I was really little he would come over and take the time to try to understand me and accept me. And yeah - as a teenager all that changed and our relationship fell to pieces. But my dad DID love me. He DID care about me. Ask me what I remember about my mom. NOTHING. I don't remember my mom in my life very much at all. I remember her bringing me places - dance, cheerleading, modeling, the hospital, therapists - anywhere she could pawn me off on others with as little communication towards me as possible - at least, that's how it has turned out to feel to me. The only times I remember feeling like my mom really loved me is when I was really hurt and she was concerned about me. And idk if she acted concerned because she really was or if it was to portray to others that she was a good mom. But I don't even care I guess. - Or maybe I do. :( Idk, all I do know is that I'm broken inside due to all this shit. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I didn't ask to be born to parents that didn't want me. I didn't ask to be the child I was. I didn't ask to struggle the way I do. If it were up to me, I'd never had been born and I wouldn't be here today. But unfortunately - I can't go back and miscarry myself.
Borderline personality disorder: Impulsive actions, unstable moods, chaotic relationships.
Intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that lasts a few hours- a day.
Impulsive aggression, self injury, and drug or alcohol abuse.
Feeling: bad, unworthy, unfairly misunderstood/mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are.
Worse when feeling isolate or lacking social support - may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. (video)
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