Emotions suck

Just a few things on my mind.
First is: The other day my sister pissed me right off. We were upstairs. And Justin was wearing an inappropriate shirt - although a kid wouldn't be able to know any better. It said on it, "Kiss me under the mistletoe." And had a mistletoe on the shirt. Now, all of us adults know what that insinuates. But a child hopefully wouldn't know. Now, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that my 13 yr old cousin read the shirt and my sister shouted, "That means suck my penis!" and then I stepped in and was like, "Excuse me... You can stop that." And so my sister purposely turned to my almost 6 yr old daughter and said, "Pee pee." To TELL HER WHAT IT MEANT. And I flipped!
My sister kept holding her hand up ignorantly repeating, "You'll be fine. Get over it." And I was like, "Yeah, I may be, BUT WHAT ABOUT HER! *pointing to Lailah*.
Something else also ties into this... last week we had an issue where Lailah asked my moms 5 yr old step son to "play privates". She got caught and she came downstairs to me. When I asked her she cried and cried and told me that I would be mad at her. I promised her I wouldn't. And I didn't. I just felt really sad. I explained to her that privates aren't something to be ashamed about and neither is curiosity but that she should come to ME and that privates belong to the person they are on. I stressed that she needed to keep her body clothed and that she should never ask anyone else to unclothe for her. It was pretty difficult on me and I'm sure difficult on her as well.
So now with both situations tied together - I feel worried about her. I am worried that she'll make the wrong decisions regarding this. I can't control her. I can't force her to make the right choices. I can only stress the best paths to take. And I worry so much that one day she could get in a lot of trouble. Last year I followed a case where an 18 yr old got many many years in prison due to dating a girl a couple yrs younger. In this day, people need to be careful and they need to stress to their children that they need to be careful. I shouldn't have to teach Lailah to fear everything but I need to in my attempt to protect her. I need her to be afraid to take certain actions. :( What other way is there?

I also got offered to be part of a co-op to buy cloth diapers. The diapers come out to about $150-$200 - $150 before shipping/handling and other fees. So I accepted and I asked my mom and grandmother to borrow the money. But they both bailed on me. What's new? Especially my mom - it shouldn't be news to me. The point of a co-op is extremely discounted prices by buying in bulk (many people ordering together). If I buy the diapers separately I'd be paying hundreds more. Right now I am spending over $100 a month on baby disposable diapers... so, the cloth would actually benefit us financially in the long run. But I can't afford it until I get my income tax. Luckily the woman ordering is willing to work with me and hold onto the diapers I order and pay for them, until I get my income tax and send her the money. But I HATE doing that. I feel so bad doing that. Fuck my family.

Lastly,  I saw a new therapist today. He seemed nice and I generally liked my first impression of him. He has NO clue about adoption and said the completely uneducated responses such as "You gave him a better life." And I asked him how he knew that. He said, "Well you get pictures so you can see." I responded with, "Well my mom could have easily send photos where I seemed happy to people also." He said touche and we sort of dropped the topic. Maybe I can help him understand and educate him further on it? Idk. I'm seeing him again on Monday to finish up our first assessment or whatever it's called. He also set me up to see a psychiatrist - but I told him that I do NOT want medications pushed on me. So, we will see I guess.

Recently I've been feeling sad. I should clean, I should eat more often - but I can't. I just don't even have the motivation. And the majority of my thoughts are bad thoughts like, "I don't want to be here." "I hate life." - I just try to not think at all even when the feelings are still deep within, I just don't want to allow them to bring the negative thoughts to the surface. As for now, I have some okay control. But Idk how long I can hold onto all of these feelings for feeling as unsupported and uncared about as I've been feeling lately.