I haven't been posting lately. Mostly because I don't have the time to get around to it. I almost constantly have Noel - 24-7 and he's getting a lot more active now. He is awake a lot more often and seeking my attention. But let's get down to a new entry.
I've been so stressed out and 'struggling' I guess I would say, lately. I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I want to cry often. I get agitated often and I find myself just wanted to escape and run away. Most of the time I take Noel and I nurse him to sleep as we cuddle and nap. It's my only escape. Right now he's playing with his daddy as I - thankfully, have some time to myself to create this entry and maybe get some emotions out of me and into here.
With Bennett's birthday approaching I find myself sad and grieving all over again. It feels like just a couple weeks ago I had lost him. Having Noel here now also shows me everything I missed out on with him. I catch myself thinking things like - I could never have another child. I could never have more than Lailah, Bennett, and Noel. I can't be the mom they deserve. I can barely get myself to function with them alone while I'm down and struggling. I want what is best for them. I try to get up and be everything they need me to be but it's a strain on me. But I guess that's what being a mommy is. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Having Lailah and Noel here with me is a blessing, a complete blessing. Not having Bennett has proved that to me more than anything - that they are my angels.
I don't know what my problem is recently. I don't want to and don't like how I've been feeling. I have an amazing boyfriend, a gorgeous - smart - amazing little girl, an extremely good - happy baby boy, and a family that is becoming more and more supportive over time of my choices and being there for me. I have been forming a new relationship with my little brother and my mom has been a lot more supportive than she's ever been before.
I haven't even been thinking much lately. I remember back when I was outpatient at Butler hospital taking DBT and mindfulness awareness that they mentioned that feelings come from thoughts. I can't understand that because oftentimes I don't hear my thoughts but I still feel uncontrollably down, overwhelmed, and worn out. Sometimes I just want to smoke again so that I can feel how I WANT to feel. I was still a good mom back when I smoked. I actually was probably a better mom.. time didn't exist and all that mattered was spending time with my little Lailah and my boyfriend and being happy. Well, I lie - I also got through Medical Assisting school with a 3.77 GPA out of a 4.0 ! And I successfully completely an externship. So, I accomplished a lot while I was smoking.
Oh speaking of school. I applied to Johnson and Wales University! I am thinking of taking their Counseling Psychology major to get my Masters degree !! Can you imagine that? I would feel so accomplished and proud of myself if I graduated that program and college! I think psychology would be something I would really enjoy learning and eventually doing with my life. Especially knowing that I would be helping others and actually actively making a difference in their lives. My transcripts from my hs were sent over - which were so crappy, a 2.3 GPA... yikes ! But thankfully I have a 3.77 GPA from Sanford Brown that they will hopefully see and approve!! We will see... I really hope I get into this program. It will be about 5 years until I graduate but it will be SO worth it to do. Fingers crossed that I get in and that I get the financially aid and support I need to complete the program.
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