Saturday, May 10, 2014

I crumbled.

Tomorrow is mothers day. I should feel happy and blessed and all that wonderful stuff. But all I can think of is about how I don't have all my children with me. Bennett is with his aparents and I just wish I could see him and hug him again. But I can't.
I've really been struggling recently. Last Friday was awful. I was in complete breakdown mode. I had these thoughts that just wouldn't let up on attacking me and emotions that overwhelmed me more than I could handle in one day. I was texting Justin and just completely broke down. I wasn't feeling very safe at all. I was even about to go sign myself into Butler (mental) hospital for some assistance with coping. Justin left work and came home to get me through the day.
I ended up smoking a couple times over the past couple days. I needed something to help me through all these emotions and struggles. I even had a couple drinks on Friday night while I went out to play cards.
I still am struggling. I feel so down.
When I first smoked I felt a bit paranoid. I went and sat in my moms bed (because for some reason I relate safety to my mom) with Justin and Noel, then Lailah came up and she cuddled me and I stroked her hair and Noel was laying on his belly looking up at me babbling away and I just broke down crying. I felt so entirely blessed to have them in my life. I felt like having them was complete and pure happiness and in that moment I got to just live and breathe them with everything else feeling non-existent. It didn't matter where we were or who else was around. It was as if they were all I could see, breathe, and know. And in that moment I felt like I was in heaven as complete happiness overwhelmed me. I just smiled and cried and cried while holding my little ones. If that makes me a bad mother, so be it.
Tonight Liz sent me a mothers day video with pictures of Bennett. It was sweet. It literally made me cry. I tried to have an open conversation with her but I guess I overwhelmed her because she stopped responding. I really wish I could ask to meet him. To fly down there and be able to spend a day with him, laughing and hugging him. I wish I could be around him again. But I know he doesn't know me and it would problem be weird and frightening for him. Blah. Why is this so difficult and stupid?
I have so much more to say but the baby is getting fussy so I have to cut this short to tend to him. But next time, hopefully I'll be able to get more out.


Here's the video. And here's our convo:







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