Where is my baby?

Where is my baby?

My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.

There's a version of him somewhere else,
far away I can not cope.
I mourn and grieve through these spells,
To be with him is all I hope.

My baby I had left behind,
A couple strangers as my compromise.
It's not as nature had designed,
One fit for all was not the size.

Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
Lost in time, maybe?
This was their ploy.

My baby is lost but not here or there -
Nor with me or in the skies.
This pain is torture - I just can't bare,
The girl within just waits and cries.

A couple happy as can be,
a baby boy is all they need.
He blossoms and grows for them to see,
a few updates I get for me to read.

This child though is not my own,
a copy of my genes for them to grow.
This crazy situation I undergo.

Where is my baby?
My darling boy?
I can't beg 'save me',
when he's their joy.

My baby is neither here or there - he's not with me nor in the skies
Each morning comes and after I awake I do not have him here to rise.

Where is my baby?
I can not cope...
To be with him is my only hope.

Short post

Where are we?

Well, we got food stamps which is extremely helpful. Although, I really hate getting help. It makes me feel weak and I feel judged whenever I take out the card. I wish I didn't need help or any sort of assistance.
I can't wait to start school. I'm so excited. I really just want to pretend like this is my new start and a fresh new chapter for me and my family. By family I mean Justin, Lailah, and Noel. :)
Not much else has really been happening. Recently I made Lailah's teacher Miss B, A blanket. I felt really proud of myself, it came out really well. I loved it. But that's what I spent my time doing.
I don't really know how I'm going to spend my time this summer. All I know is that I want to spend more time being interactive with my kids. Maybe take Lailah and some cards to the beach or the park. Bring Lailah to my moms pool for short visits. I don't know but I'll figure something out. I also need to get this room in order and get all our laundry sorted - it's a disaster. Blah.
I've sort of shut off from a lot of people. I talk to Tom, my family, my parents - sort of, and Tiffany sometimes. Other than that I don't do much. I deleted a ton of people off FB and I left a lot of groups.

Where we are at now.

A little bit of catch up shall we... 

I applied for some jobs and I got a call back last Weds for a job as an HBTS. I was really excited at first and was thrilled to receive the call. The woman was going to schedule me for an interview but then hesitated and said she had to speak to the scheduling supervisor first and that she would email me. But she never emailed me. She said to me that if the supervisor approved the interview would be on this Tuesday - today. Over the next few days and weekend I didn't get my hopes up about the job. 

Yesterday I got a call from Johnson and Wales - the college I want to attend. It was the financial advisor.. She told me that I have a full financial aid package and that I don't have to pay anything. So, I got really excited and thrilled to hear that. That means that school can be my way into a brighter future. Yeah, it'll be 5 years for me to get my Masters degree, but the past 6 years since I've had Lailah have FLOWN by. So I know I can do this. Then last night around 3-3:30 the interview woman called me and left me a message saying she didn't have my resume or anything but that she was going to confirm the interview for today at 9am. 

My head started spinning with thoughts like this: 

How am I going to go to school full time, go to work part time, and see my babies? How am I going to get any homework done? How am I going to pump that much milk while being gone all day? Is money worth not seeing my children?

I started having major anxiety. I decided to call two people that I trust the most besides Justin. First I called and talked to Tom and heard what he thoughts, then I called my Aunt Cindy and heard what she had to say, and I decided that I was going to make school my priority. 

So here we are. We're living at my dads and I'm hoping Justin gets a better job or he gets promoted to manager at McDonalds. They did raise his pay to $8.35 supposedly. But that's not really helpful at all. 

My dad let us use his food stamps for food, so I went shopping and grabbed a bunch of things for the whole house. 

I like being here at my dads a whoolllleee lot more than being at my moms. Although, I've always liked my dad more than my mom. My dad has hurt me in the past but he's not as emotionally or mentally or verbally abusive as my mom is. He doesn't make me feel suicidal or like hurting myself to cope with the pain. 

Summer is here and I am hoping to get out of the house a lot more. Although, Lailah doesn't get out of school until the 19th. Maybe I can talk my dad into a lot of beach trips - that way I'm not wasting gas. 

In lighter news, my baby girl is almost out of kindergarten. I am so proud of her. I can't believe how big she's gotten and how intelligent she is. She is literally the most perfect child I could ask for. She's a great big sister and she's an amazing listener, she has a huge heart and an intelligent mind. She's an awesome little person. I can't wait to see the person she grows into one day and everyday I am to steer her in the right direction to be the best person she can become. Noel is wonderful. He's growing so fast. He's pretty advanced I think, for his age. He's doing so much. For more on them you can check out the blogs I have for them.