I am overwhelmed. I am so completely overwhelmed. I feel like crying and I wish I could just have some time to myself. I feel like I'm at my edge.
Today I got into a "fight" with Lailah. I asked her to please help me with her brother and she threw a fit and then I got upset she was throwing a fit and it escalated and I yelled at her and I made her sit on her bed alone. Then when we were both calmed down I talked to her one on one. We worked it all out and I tried explaining to her that I react the way I do due to my past and that it's not her. I apologized and explained that it's NOT okay that I yell at her and get upset and that I will work on new ways to communicate with her as long as she is willing to work with me and listen to me.
I've been thinking of smoking again. I want to so bad. I don't know though. I don't know if it would help me. I don't know if it would be the same as it was before. I am hesitant mostly because I'm still nursing Noel. But I've read and heard that cannaboids are naturally produced in breastmilk and that THC does not pass through breastmilk.
I just hate how I've been recently and I need help. I need help to feel like myself again. I want to feel sane again.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Can't handle this.
In a facebook group I'm in someone asked me if I would have had an abortion with Bennett if I knew everything I know now.
This was my response:
I'm pro-CHOICE and I'm so very pro-choice because of what I've gone through. I feel EVERYONE should have the right to choose what is best for them and to do what they feel THEY can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically handle.
Without guilt or pressure from others. I can't undo the past and if I went back in time I don't know what I would have done. It's a lot trickier than saying I would have aborted. On one side there's a part of me that says, "Yes, absolutely. I would have aborted if I had the money to do so and the opportunity." I believe if there's a heaven and a God then he would accept all aborted babies to heaven - so my child would not suffer. I feel that for ME personally, aborting would hurt far less than a full pregnancy, labor, birth, and holding my living breathing son afterwards and then up and leaving him behind. It would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache and also saved my now 6 yr old from the pain, confusion, anger, and nerves she feels towards her brother being adopted. But I don't know where life would have led me then. Potentially I would have still met my ex bf Mark and maybe if I hadn't remained pregnant and given my son up for adoption we would have worked out and maybe I'd have been happy with him. But the adoption had a huge toll on our relationship and we broke it off shortly before my sons first birthday. I don't know what would have happened but sometimes I feel maybe I'd be in a better place psychologically, mentally, and emotionally.
But at the same time a part of me is like, "No, I wouldn't have aborted him at all." Because by falling into my grief I met the most amazing man I have ever known. He saved me when I was in the bottom of my grief. He now protects me, loves me, cares for me - every single day and he's loved me more than anyone I have ever known. And without meeting him I wouldn't have my son Noel. I can't regret the life I live in this moment or else I feel I would be severely depressed and suicidal. I have to love these people - my fiance, my children, and the people I've met as an outcome of the adoption because they make me live and appreciate my life.
So, I really can't say. I haven't a clue.
Today I am massively on edge. My abdominal muscles are hurting really bad. I don't want to be taking care of the kids right now. I love them so much but I'm just not in the place I want to be mentally or emotionally to care for them at this exact moment. I feel sad today - hurting. I've been feeling it creep up on me for about a week now and I've been pushing it away - ignoring it, trying to not let it suck me in and eat me alive. I don't know how to stop this or to prevent these emotions from overwhelming me. I don't know how to handle this much emotion without snapping, having less patience, and overall just wanting to be LEFT ALONE. I don't want anyone to touch me, I don't want to listen to anyone talk, I don't want to have to care for anyone at all. I want to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health. I want to be able to rest. I want to be able to physically feel better. But I feel like that will never happen. It truly doesn't matter how I feel at all. I seriously feel as if I have no meaning. Raise the kids then die. I just CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
This was my response:
I'm pro-CHOICE and I'm so very pro-choice because of what I've gone through. I feel EVERYONE should have the right to choose what is best for them and to do what they feel THEY can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically handle.
Without guilt or pressure from others. I can't undo the past and if I went back in time I don't know what I would have done. It's a lot trickier than saying I would have aborted. On one side there's a part of me that says, "Yes, absolutely. I would have aborted if I had the money to do so and the opportunity." I believe if there's a heaven and a God then he would accept all aborted babies to heaven - so my child would not suffer. I feel that for ME personally, aborting would hurt far less than a full pregnancy, labor, birth, and holding my living breathing son afterwards and then up and leaving him behind. It would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache and also saved my now 6 yr old from the pain, confusion, anger, and nerves she feels towards her brother being adopted. But I don't know where life would have led me then. Potentially I would have still met my ex bf Mark and maybe if I hadn't remained pregnant and given my son up for adoption we would have worked out and maybe I'd have been happy with him. But the adoption had a huge toll on our relationship and we broke it off shortly before my sons first birthday. I don't know what would have happened but sometimes I feel maybe I'd be in a better place psychologically, mentally, and emotionally.
But at the same time a part of me is like, "No, I wouldn't have aborted him at all." Because by falling into my grief I met the most amazing man I have ever known. He saved me when I was in the bottom of my grief. He now protects me, loves me, cares for me - every single day and he's loved me more than anyone I have ever known. And without meeting him I wouldn't have my son Noel. I can't regret the life I live in this moment or else I feel I would be severely depressed and suicidal. I have to love these people - my fiance, my children, and the people I've met as an outcome of the adoption because they make me live and appreciate my life.
So, I really can't say. I haven't a clue.
Today I am massively on edge. My abdominal muscles are hurting really bad. I don't want to be taking care of the kids right now. I love them so much but I'm just not in the place I want to be mentally or emotionally to care for them at this exact moment. I feel sad today - hurting. I've been feeling it creep up on me for about a week now and I've been pushing it away - ignoring it, trying to not let it suck me in and eat me alive. I don't know how to stop this or to prevent these emotions from overwhelming me. I don't know how to handle this much emotion without snapping, having less patience, and overall just wanting to be LEFT ALONE. I don't want anyone to touch me, I don't want to listen to anyone talk, I don't want to have to care for anyone at all. I want to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health. I want to be able to rest. I want to be able to physically feel better. But I feel like that will never happen. It truly doesn't matter how I feel at all. I seriously feel as if I have no meaning. Raise the kids then die. I just CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Another hospital trip
So much has happened in such a short amount of time.
Just to finish off the conclusion of my last post :
My dad came in around midnight and apologized. He told me he was sorry if he made me feel bad or anything and he knows times are hard and I'm doing the best I can. He told me he didn't want me to leave or anything and he wants to help with the kids until I can finish school if that's what I feel is best. Justin sent over his resume and he's actively been getting calls from the company in regards to his application and the possible hiring process.
So I had decided to go to school and attempt that route and hope Justin gets this job and that dad will be able to help until Justin can financially afford us and we can get our own place.
Plot twist. I'm back in the hospital. Maybe that's not really a plot twist. I've been in the hospital how many times since Noel's pregnancy alone? Maybe it was to be expected.
Sunday we went to my moms house and we were eating dinner over there. I started to get what I believed at the time to be gas pains so we left and I went home to take a hot shower and see if it would relax the pain. JK, it didn't help. A couple hours later I was in pretty bad pain and could barely walk, so I asked my dad to take my to the ER. He drove me in and I got a catscan while there. On the catscan they found that I had early appendicitis and I had to be prepped for an emergency appendectomy surgery in the morning starting at 8 am. I was so scared.
I ran into a problem while still in the ER before being given a room. They didn't want Justin or Noel staying with me. I broke down and started having panic attacks and I cried so hard. I didn't want to cut into the milk supply I had just pumped for school, I didn't want Noel to scream all night without me, and I didn't want to be at the hospital alone. Those were my concerns about them going home. I was so heartbroken. But they had to leave and they had to use the milk I had pumped. Noel did much better at home with Justin than expected though, so that was good to hear.
Since the surgery my bladder and intestines apparently "went to sleep" and they sort of shut down. They stopped working. Which caused me agonizing pain for a couple days. I was in the worst pain ever. They sent me home the day after my surgery, on Tuesday, but I was right back in the ER Tuesday night by ambulance because my pain was so severe. I was vomiting so badly due to the pain and I was crying, it was just awful.
It's now Friday and I am feeling much better. I was able to take a shower today and I've been walking a bit more. I can't wait to go home. I'm not allowed to eat anything except super soft, mushy, and disgusting food. Ugh. I am starting to hate being here now.
My dad has been here everyday for me but my mom has only visited a couple times. My grandmother stopped by once, my cousin April did, and so did my aunts Linda and Beverly. Oh and my aunt sent pushy bible Christians to shove God down my throat today. -.- I told them my baby had to eat and they had to leave because he was breastfed. But they didn't leave for about a half hour. I was trying so hard not to laugh at the shit they were telling me to believe in.
Scott has been taking Lailah to see me for a couple hours everyday after school. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll get more time with her since it's Saturday tomorrow.
And Justin has been taking work off recently to help with Noel since I can't.
So here I am, back in the hospital, waiting to go home!
Ohhhh and Liz texted me randomly today a picture of Bennett and said, "I hope you have a great day!" Not sure what that was all about but I'll take it.
Just to finish off the conclusion of my last post :
My dad came in around midnight and apologized. He told me he was sorry if he made me feel bad or anything and he knows times are hard and I'm doing the best I can. He told me he didn't want me to leave or anything and he wants to help with the kids until I can finish school if that's what I feel is best. Justin sent over his resume and he's actively been getting calls from the company in regards to his application and the possible hiring process.
So I had decided to go to school and attempt that route and hope Justin gets this job and that dad will be able to help until Justin can financially afford us and we can get our own place.
Plot twist. I'm back in the hospital. Maybe that's not really a plot twist. I've been in the hospital how many times since Noel's pregnancy alone? Maybe it was to be expected.
Sunday we went to my moms house and we were eating dinner over there. I started to get what I believed at the time to be gas pains so we left and I went home to take a hot shower and see if it would relax the pain. JK, it didn't help. A couple hours later I was in pretty bad pain and could barely walk, so I asked my dad to take my to the ER. He drove me in and I got a catscan while there. On the catscan they found that I had early appendicitis and I had to be prepped for an emergency appendectomy surgery in the morning starting at 8 am. I was so scared.
I ran into a problem while still in the ER before being given a room. They didn't want Justin or Noel staying with me. I broke down and started having panic attacks and I cried so hard. I didn't want to cut into the milk supply I had just pumped for school, I didn't want Noel to scream all night without me, and I didn't want to be at the hospital alone. Those were my concerns about them going home. I was so heartbroken. But they had to leave and they had to use the milk I had pumped. Noel did much better at home with Justin than expected though, so that was good to hear.
Since the surgery my bladder and intestines apparently "went to sleep" and they sort of shut down. They stopped working. Which caused me agonizing pain for a couple days. I was in the worst pain ever. They sent me home the day after my surgery, on Tuesday, but I was right back in the ER Tuesday night by ambulance because my pain was so severe. I was vomiting so badly due to the pain and I was crying, it was just awful.
It's now Friday and I am feeling much better. I was able to take a shower today and I've been walking a bit more. I can't wait to go home. I'm not allowed to eat anything except super soft, mushy, and disgusting food. Ugh. I am starting to hate being here now.
My dad has been here everyday for me but my mom has only visited a couple times. My grandmother stopped by once, my cousin April did, and so did my aunts Linda and Beverly. Oh and my aunt sent pushy bible Christians to shove God down my throat today. -.- I told them my baby had to eat and they had to leave because he was breastfed. But they didn't leave for about a half hour. I was trying so hard not to laugh at the shit they were telling me to believe in.
Scott has been taking Lailah to see me for a couple hours everyday after school. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow I'll get more time with her since it's Saturday tomorrow.
And Justin has been taking work off recently to help with Noel since I can't.
So here I am, back in the hospital, waiting to go home!
Ohhhh and Liz texted me randomly today a picture of Bennett and said, "I hope you have a great day!" Not sure what that was all about but I'll take it.
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