Can't handle this.

In a facebook group I'm in someone asked me if I would have had an abortion with Bennett if I knew everything I know now.
This was my response:

I'm pro-CHOICE and I'm so very pro-choice because of what I've gone through. I feel EVERYONE should have the right to choose what is best for them and to do what they feel THEY can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically handle.

Without guilt or pressure from others. I can't undo the past and if I went back in time I don't know what I would have done. It's a lot trickier than saying I would have aborted. On one side there's a part of me that says, "Yes, absolutely. I would have aborted if I had the money to do so and the opportunity." I believe if there's a heaven and a God then he would accept all aborted babies to heaven - so my child would not suffer. I feel that for ME personally, aborting would hurt far less than a full pregnancy, labor, birth, and holding my living breathing son afterwards and then up and leaving him behind. It would have saved me from a lot of pain and heartache and also saved my now 6 yr old from the pain, confusion, anger, and nerves she feels towards her brother being adopted. But I don't know where life would have led me then. Potentially I would have still met my ex bf Mark and maybe if I hadn't remained pregnant and given my son up for adoption we would have worked out and maybe I'd have been happy with him. But the adoption had a huge toll on our relationship and we broke it off shortly before my sons first birthday. I don't know what would have happened but sometimes I feel maybe I'd be in a better place psychologically, mentally, and emotionally.

But at the same time a part of me is like, "No, I wouldn't have aborted him at all." Because by falling into my grief I met the most amazing man I have ever known. He saved me when I was in the bottom of my grief. He now protects me, loves me, cares for me - every single day and he's loved me more than anyone I have ever known. And without meeting him I wouldn't have my son Noel. I can't regret the life I live in this moment or else I feel I would be severely depressed and suicidal. I have to love these people - my fiance, my children, and the people I've met as an outcome of the adoption because they make me live and appreciate my life.

So, I really can't say. I haven't a clue.


Today I am massively on edge. My abdominal muscles are hurting really bad. I don't want to be taking care of the kids right now. I love them so much but I'm just not in the place I want to be mentally or emotionally to care for them at this exact moment. I feel sad today - hurting. I've been feeling it creep up on me for about a week now and I've been pushing it away - ignoring it, trying to not let it suck me in and eat me alive. I don't know how to stop this or to prevent these emotions from overwhelming me. I don't know how to handle this much emotion without snapping, having less patience, and overall just wanting to be LEFT ALONE. I don't want anyone to touch me, I don't want to listen to anyone talk, I don't want to have to care for anyone at all. I want to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health. I want to be able to rest. I want to be able to physically feel better. But I feel like that will never happen. It truly doesn't matter how I feel at all. I seriously feel as if I have no meaning. Raise the kids then die. I just CAN'T HANDLE THIS.