Small update on life.

Things have been rough lately. I've been in and out of depression. I keep trying my hardest to not allow myself to fall into that pit of despair but it happens anyway. I want to be strong but some days I just don't know how. The feelings overwhelm me and I just don't know what to do. How can I release the emotion and pain in a healthy way before I blow up and can't handle it anymore?
Right now the biggest issue is that we are struggling so bad financially. Justin has been applying to different jobs - he has an interview on Monday at a call center type job, I hope it pays well and I hope he gets hired... that would help us out tremendously.
So, I've run into an issue with school. Apparently, financial aid won't cover the full years of schooling that is required in order for me to get a job after graduating. I NEED my masters in the field of Psychology... but financial aid will only cover MAYBE up to my bachelors. I looked at other career options at the school but the only one I'm even remotely interested in is Criminal Justice which I'm completely unsure if I want to do that at all. Also, I was told that financial aid will only cover night classes.. if I take night classes then I will just about never see Lailah and I don't believe I can handle that.
I think I should just do like my dad said and get a full time job along with Justin and just get our own apartment - maybe Tom will move here to move in with us and that could help us out. Who knows..
Idk anymore... I just don't know.

Broken head

I feel myself sinking into a pretty deep depression today. Our bank is -140 in the negatives. Justin was supposed to get paid today but for whatever reason his pay was never direct deposited. We can't afford to live.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I just had a complete breakdown. It crept up on me an attacked. I tried so hard to keep it away - to ignore it. But I couldn't. Noel was crying and I ignored him - that's how great of a mom I am.
I went into the other room away from the kids - Justin called me. I shouted at him about how things aren't going to change, thinks aren't going to get better, and then I hung up. I then couldn't control myself anymore and I grabbed the guitar sitting on the bed in the other room and I slammed my head into it a few times. I felt a calm rush over me as I felt the frustration leaving me through the top of my forehead. I placed my hands on my head and just stood there waiting for all of it to rush out when I realized my hands were wet - blood. I then went into the bathroom to clean it up but I didn't know what to do for the gash across my head - I called Sherry in to help me and she got the bleeding to stop.

I can't do this anymore. Everyday I think more and more about having some couple adopt Noel and have Lailah's dad or her Memere take custody of her.

I can't handle life anymore. I don't want to.