Small update.

I'm home from work today. I feel like I haven't caught a break in a really long time. Part of me is really thankful for that but the other part feels guilty about it. I'm home today because I feel sick. I feel shaky, nauseous, out of breath, and dizzy. If I didn't know any better I would think I'm pregnant. But I tested about a week or so ago and it was negative and I also just had a medium flow period. I think I'll grab another test though just to be sure I'm not. It could just be this bug that is going around or the fact that I haven't had my meds in a little bit.

I ran out of my medication a couple days ago and the pharmacy just approved it last night. I've gone over a day without taking my medication so I'm understandably depressed today. I keep thinking of Bennett - it feels overwhelming because on my meds I seem to not think about the adoption at all and I think of Bennett very rarely now. I feel very guilty for that... but at the same time the meds are the only way I function decently enough where I can live my life and parent Lailah and Noel the way I want to. My meds help me be the person I want to be. The mom I want to be. But right now - the guilt feels like I'm being eaten alive. I don't want to admit that I rarely think of Bennett anymore and that that is what it takes for me to feel any amount of happiness. I feel like an awful person attempting to move forward in my life without one of my children here with me. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy after leaving him behind and not taking him home with me to be with our family. He IS our family and yet he will never know that or experience that - at least in his childhood. It's a tough day today... until these meds kick back in.

With my meds - life feels amazing. I have a great full time job that I love. Justin may also be getting hired by my company soon - which I am truly hoping he does! It would improve our situation so much. I am actively working on my parenting and making accomplishments every single day. Yesterday I wanted to yell and I paused, took some deep breathes, and then calmly talked to Lailah. I felt to proud of myself. Things in life finally feel as if they're looking up. Like one day my future won't be so difficult or grim.

Well, off I go - until next time.